This better be it

[JackieM]

I first joined this site six years ago. I can't remember my old password so I have rejoined.I am 42 years old and have managed five years without drinking and various other brief stints without the sauce.
What has brought me here today is my outing last night. I went out with a co-worker and don't remember much of what went on. I have multiple bruises so I'm assuming I fell.I have flashes of doing karaoke and dancing. What else went on I'm not sure of...I could text the guy I was out with and ask but right now I just don't wanna know. Why the hell would I behave like that at my age?
This has got to stop.I have a general anxiety problem and right now I am freaking out. I keep trying to piece together what happened and I'm in that spot of not knowing if I really wanna know.
I am just disgusted with myself and my behavior.

[paulywogg]

This better be it

hi jackie,jeez your 42 you act like its ridiculous for you to cut loose! the drinking too much to remember your nite is the ridiculous part,i hate all that wasted time i dont remember,thats gotta be one of my biggest motivators to not drink anymore

[JackieM]

This better be it

I have a sick urge to have a beer right now to calm myself down and so I can stop thinking about last night. I hate the fact that alcohol is like medicine to me.

[Struggles 106]

This better be it

Hey Jackie

Just get back on track! Not to one-up you here but I was smoking crack at 55 so age is not a factor in ridiculous behavior!

Crazy behavior is so embarassing and humiliating. I have been there too many times. And remember WHY blackouts happen. Your brain cannot create and retain shirt term memories because critical resources are being used for the important stuff like BREATHING. It's scary when you think about what is going on, on a cellular level. I have experienced it many times and never want to again.
Not too far from alcohol poisoning. Your body can only take so much.
I'm no expert; I take antabuse right now. Sort of like cheating, but it works for me at the moment.

Stay strong and don'y beat ourself up too much

[JackieM]

This better be it

I am surprised I haven't killed myself from drinking.I know my body can't take much more of this abuse.

[kuya]

This better be it

JackieM;1419774 wrote: I am surprised I haven't killed myself from drinking.I know my body can't take much more of this abuse.

When we're you last sober for any length of time Jackie?

[JackieM]

This better be it

I didn't drink from August-mid October of this year.I manage to take 2 or 3 months off a year.It sucks that I go back to drinking every time.I did not drink at all from 2000-2005.I wish I never ever would've started this b.s. again.

[paulywogg]

This better be it

i wish i never woulda started thi b.s period! started off with a beer to get to sleep,ended up 7 yrs later with a beer to wake up,idiot!

[JackieM]

This better be it

Yeah Pauly-it's just sheer madness. I find it crazy that most people can have one or two and call it good. I wish I had the off switch that "normal" drinkers have.

[Alcoholic]

This better be it

JackieM: but it's a new day and let's walk forward and find a way to beat this thing! we can do it!

[JackieM]

This better be it

Alky-
Yeah.I need to stop stressing myself out about what happened. I can't change it- I can only move forward.Lord knows I've had enough practice quitting.We just need to find a way to make it stick for good. I know that I can never drink a reasonable amount of alcohol.I've proven that millions of times.
Good luck on your journey!

[kuya]

This better be it

JackieM;1420141 wrote: Yeah Pauly-it's just sheer madness. I find it crazy that most people can have one or two and call it good. I wish I had the off switch that "normal" drinkers have.

But we DON'T !

I wish I was slim
I wish I was wealthy
I wish I could sing
I wish I was fit
Etc etc

But I no longer wish I could drink alcohol moderately ....... What the feck for?.....it is poison that makes me boring, ill, fat, poor, oh yeah...... The opposite of all those wishes above.

What a blessing to be sober, I now have a chance of being ALL the things above and more JUST by accepting that I cannot drink alcohol......not a bad trade really, is it ?

[JackieM]

This better be it

Kuya-
Yes you are right. I shouldn't wish that I could drink. I guess I meant if I had the off switch I would've saved myself a lot of trouble over the years.
I did read the Jason Vale book and I am convinced that no one needs to drink. It is probably the most readily available and heavily marketed drug around (caffeine is the only other I can think of).
"If wishes were pigs, bacon would always be on sale.". Not sure who said that but I find it amusing.

[kuya]

This better be it

JackieM;1420439 wrote: Kuya-
Yes you are right. I shouldn't wish that I could drink. I guess I meant if I had the off switch I would've saved myself a lot of trouble over the years.
I did read the Jason Vale book and I am convinced that no one needs to drink. It is probably the most readily available and heavily marketed drug around (caffeine is the only other I can think of).
"If wishes were pigs, bacon would always be on sale.". Not sure who said that but I find it amusing.

:H:H:H

But seriously it means so much to get the anger and grieving for alcohol over with. There are peeps with decades of sobriety STILL envious of drinkers....they relapse.

I am as envious of drinkers as I am of heroin addicts

[JackieM]

This better be it

Kuya-
I worked catering a party tonight where alcohol was served. It was the people who had a soda or water that impressed me. I caught myself fantasizing about being the sober person who remembers the whole party and can drive home without worries.
I have been able to go long periods without alcohol. I guess I was more of a "dry drunk" and not really working on being sober though. I just didn't drink. I need to realize that actual sobriety is different from not drinking and takes a lot of work. I guess the hard part is realizing you are worth it.