Dont Know What To Do!

[stevo213]

Not sure if this forum is right for this post but ive been searching the internet for answers to my problem and came across MWO.

Ive been seeing a girl now whom im very much in love with for about 6 months and recently we have moved in together! We both are professionals and i have my own business.

When we first met we were dating alot and we both like a drink (in fact we met in a club) so we were going out alot. It was clear to me that she likes to drink, and when she became drunk she became a bit feisty but funny at the same time. When my friends met her and when she was drunk they all asked me how i handle her when she was drunk, to which i just laughed it off!

However the last 2 months or so have been absolutley horrendous! When she is drunk she has a new personality compeltley and becomes very aggresive (no physical just verbal) and abusive towards me for no apparent reason at all. the things she come out with are so hurtful and personal it actually shocks me. It becoming to a point where i cant take it anymore, the following day she is completley apologetic but cant remmeber anything, and she says shes sorry, she doesnt mean it etc etc.

She had about 9 months ago came out of an abusive alcoholic relationship with her previous bf and she was beaten up by him several times for which she rcieved therapy for (not sure if it was enough) I just dont know what to do??? Its got to the point now where im nervous when i know where going out in the evening because im afraid of what will happen!

The issue i have is that when i tell her what shes been like the following morning shes so distraught with herself for what she has done and said and she relalises its the alcohol but she still continues to drink and get smashed!

Ive basically given her an ultimatum, if it happens one more time then im gone!

Were going out tonight and im so nervous its unbelieveable........any advice?

[Cornczech]

Dont Know What To Do!

Are you ready to leave her then? Because for an alcoholic....ultimatums don't work...(at least not for this alcoholic)

Maybe tonight, as a result of this ultimatum...she might not be so aggressive...or at least TRY....

I am one of those kinds of drunks...mostly unpredictable...I may be a fun drunk one day...depressed and crying another...then there are the terrible days when I destroy the living room in a rage....and yet....my husband is still with me. He gave me ultimatums too. I have gotten better than I was in 2008....but I still have those moments. It's rage, in my case, at least...want to make someone feel like you feel....lack of self control...LOTS of reasons.

Good luck and if you really meant what you wrote...better either pack your bags or pack hers. Sorry for the bluntness...but it's the truth.

[resrchqueen]

Dont Know What To Do!

I tend to agree with the last poster but of course you can't always paint with a broad brush either... That being said, I think that in most cases involving abusing alcohol or some other drugs or even nicotine or other things...its the person who is abusing these things that has to have the desire within them to quit...Until she does, she probably won't change...if even for you.

[columbia]

Dont Know What To Do!

i also know from experience that ultimatums dont work...........it almost made me angrier and want to drink more...............perhaps confronting the emotional issues behind the drinking needs to be address........tell her you will go with her to any support group or counselling she prefers......but again if she is not ready to take that step to change...........then move on...........

[Byrdlady]

Dont Know What To Do!

Steve, more sympathetic I could not be. Speaking as the AlK here, my hubs issued empty threats for years...I knew he wouldn't leave me, until one night he packed his clothes and did. I was flabbergasted. I knew that night, Jan 19, 2011, I had to get myself together. It was him or AL....and I must tell you this was a HARD decision for me! My husband of 24 years or AL!! That's what a grip it had on me!! I was weighing the choice!! I could resign myself to drinking and just give up everything I had worked for, or I could fight for my life back. It hasn't been easy, but I did it! Today, our lives are finally back to 'normal', but I had to choose...because you can't have it both ways...she is pretty clearly 'one of us'....If you give her an ultimatum, you gotta be willing to back it up, otherwise, we know you don't mean it, and we can get away with having our cake and eating it, too. Also, if you go out tonight, and can get her on video of how she is behaving, and THIS is why you are doing this, it might have an impact. Video of our behavior makes for a very short conversation...how can we argue with that? The truth hurts, so be prepared for every kind of denial there is...She will 'cut down', and I promise to do better, blah, blah, blah....I did all of that. Only when I knew my hubs had had enough was I able to see what I was doing to him...and us. BTW, cutting down isn't going to do it...she has to STOP drinking. It's a tough pill to swallow, but direct her here and we can help!!
I am so sorry you are in this situation, but believe me, if something isn't done, it doesn't get better, only worse. She will then start hiding her supply like I did. I hid it in my shoes and old handbags...in my file drawers. I had it in a hairspray bottle in my purse. My hubs still doesn't know the extent of it all (thank God). The only way for you to help her is to stop enabling her....(ouch, I know). I wish you all the luck in the world.. but maybe you can help her get turned around.
All the best, Byrdie

[K9Lover]

Dont Know What To Do!

Hi Stevo and Welcome!

I agree with the others, be ready to back up your words with actions. Even if she doesn't get "that bad" tonight...there will be other nights that she does. Until SHE is ready to change, she won't...not for you, not for anybody. When she is ready...maybe you can direct her here...we'd love to help if we can!

Good luck!

K9

[Snapdragon]

Dont Know What To Do!

Hi Stevo - I cringed reading your post, because that could have been written by my husband! I agree with everyone that ultimatiums don't work and you need to do something now, otherwise you will still be in the same situation in a year, two years or as long as it takes you to pack your bags and leave!

If you really love her, before giving ultimatums or packing up to leave, can I suggest you make one last attempt to see if you can help her to help herself? Go out for a walk together in the afternoon when she hasn't had a drink and broach the subject in a calm, rational way. Say to her that you love her, but can't imagine a future with someone who drinks excessively - even if they are the most amazing person in the world when sober. Ask her if she thinks she has a drink problem (she may be relieved to admit it to you) and more importantly, if she admits that she is concerned about her drinking, offer to go with her to find help.

This is working for me (I can't say it HAS worked completely yet - but we're getting there). My husband told me that he 'couldn't do this anymore' and said that he would find help and come with me and support me - but he wasn't staying put as things were anymore. It was the first time we really talked and i admitted to him that my drinking was out of control (we both knew it had been a problem for years - it was like an elephant in the room). I felt so relieved to talk about it with him and am so glad that he supported me to find the help I needed.

I am a work in progress - I haven't stopped drinking completely, but I'm getting there and although we don't talk about it much my husband knows I am having councelling and am proactively working to reduce and eventually stop drinking altogether. If I don't stop drinking then I know I will have to say goodbye to him - but I am eternally grateful that he gave me this last chance.

If you do broach the subject with your girlfriend and she denies there is a problem - then I truly believe you have no option but to leave her and move on with your life. Best of luck to you and let us know how you get on.

[Kradle123]

Dont Know What To Do!

Hi Steveo,

I've spent some time thinking about your post. I thought of responding with elaborate analogies...(the titanic came to mind..) personal experiences and scary stories...aversion therapy...

But all the advice in the world comes down to this single truth:

No matter how beautiful, loving, funny smart and madly in love & invested you are with your girlfriend or she is with you, staying with her means your life will slowly become a living hell. One you can't even imagine yet... Bring Children into that mix and you will want to shoot yourself in the head...and get ready to spend everything you have on lawyers to save your kids....

Tonight's dinner is meaningless. Tell her it's you or AL period. She can't drink anymore. People without an AL problem WILL NOT have a problem with this. They will choose the love of their lives every time...unless the real love of their lives at this point in time is a glass of wine... Chances are almost 100% you are not first on the list...it just looks that way..
if she walks away tonight consider yourself incredibly lucky. If you walk away tonight consider yourself smarter and stronger than you ever thought you could be...

How can I say all this, awful and ugly as it sounds?? Because Steveo, I am/was your girlfriend ... I made my husbands life miserable for many years.. His life and mine...years wasted, money wasted, relationships destroyed.

Now look up at my Avatar..those are the three reasons he stayed and the three reasons I left ( AL that is)

I may have just inched out of complete disaster because of MWO. I'm really glad you found us, truly truly. :l. This place will support you no matter what...and so will I. Please stay close. :l

[mama bear]

Dont Know What To Do!

ditto to everything all my friends have said, plus one more question.......
can you stop drinking??
I f you want this to work you will have to.
Good luck.....

[Persephone1]

Dont Know What To Do!

Hello Stevo,

Bet you weren't planning on all this when you stumbled onto MWO! Lots of passionate and intelligent folks on this site, indeed. Wow, what amazing and deeply sincere posts by everyone. Impressive and brutally, painful honesty. And I agree completely.

I have been on BOTH sides of this scenario. I presume the sex is mind-blowing and the connection seems beyond your greatest fantasies, right? It's all an illusion. I'm sorry, this must suck to hear all this, from strangers no less. I totally empathize with you, you must be really saddened that she's not all that she appeared to be. She's got a lot of work ahead of her and the fact that she came out of an abusive relationship means that THIS is what she does. Her role in relationships is abusive: giver and receiver. Sounds like she's got a 'few' problems. But since you see this craziness early on is a really good sign FOR YOU. It means that your 'crazy meter' is working. PLEASE, PLEASE do yourself a favor and listen to it and then ACT accordingly. You can stick around, she may try to strop drinking, work on her issues, etc...but you are in for a major roller coaster ride and the odds aren't good that it will end well. You may come out wiser for the ware, but there will be tremendous ware! My two cents...RUN while you still can. Some people need to be loved from afar, if you need to protect yourself from them, that needs to be weighed in and is a considerable factor. This is not the best scenario for the beginnings of a great relationship. If you are invested in a long term, committed relationship I think that's a different situation, but this is just the beginning man! If you decide to stay, buckle up and try not to lose yourself in the process. You are in for one helluva ride!

Ask yourself this: If someone you loved came to you with this 'problem', what would you tell them to do? Perhaps that is your answer?

All the best, P. :l

[Kradle123]

Dont Know What To Do!

Awesome post Persephone.

Wanted to add to the end piece by asking Steveo:

If your daughter came to you and said, "Dad. Im in a relationship with this great guy but he verbally abuses me but I love him." ...I bet dollars to donuts you'd be giving that gentleman his walking papers...

Treat yourself as you would your precious daughter. :l

[Byrdlady]

Dont Know What To Do!

Kradle, I just hope Stevo comes back after all this!!! B

[Persephone1]

Dont Know What To Do!

Ha! Byrdie, me too! Love, love your ending Kradle...spot on!

[mama bear]

Dont Know What To Do!

stevo
how did it go??

[Nelz]

Dont Know What To Do!

K9Lover;1478106 wrote: Hi Stevo and Welcome!

I agree with the others, be ready to back up your words with actions. Even if she doesn't get "that bad" tonight...there will be other nights that she does. Until SHE is ready to change, she won't...not for you, not for anybody. When she is ready...maybe you can direct her here...we'd love to help if we can!

Good luck!

K9

This is EXACTLY what I would have said as well. When she has the "ah-ha or the rock bottom" moment, she will be more equiped to stop.

Wishing you luck with your situation, I can empathize with what you are going thruogh