Dont Know What To Do!

[Hippyman]

Dont Know What To Do!

There is hope for her. If she wants to get well there are tools here on this site that can help her! GOOD LUCK! She is a sick person. There are treatments for that disease. She has to want help! :welcome:

stevo213;1477965 wrote: Not sure if this forum is right for this post but ive been searching the internet for answers to my problem and came across MWO.

Ive been seeing a girl now whom im very much in love with for about 6 months and recently we have moved in together! We both are professionals and i have my own business.

When we first met we were dating alot and we both like a drink (in fact we met in a club) so we were going out alot. It was clear to me that she likes to drink, and when she became drunk she became a bit feisty but funny at the same time. When my friends met her and when she was drunk they all asked me how i handle her when she was drunk, to which i just laughed it off!

However the last 2 months or so have been absolutley horrendous! When she is drunk she has a new personality compeltley and becomes very aggresive (no physical just verbal) and abusive towards me for no apparent reason at all. the things she come out with are so hurtful and personal it actually shocks me. It becoming to a point where i cant take it anymore, the following day she is completley apologetic but cant remmeber anything, and she says shes sorry, she doesnt mean it etc etc.

She had about 9 months ago came out of an abusive alcoholic relationship with her previous bf and she was beaten up by him several times for which she rcieved therapy for (not sure if it was enough) I just dont know what to do??? Its got to the point now where im nervous when i know where going out in the evening because im afraid of what will happen!

The issue i have is that when i tell her what shes been like the following morning shes so distraught with herself for what she has done and said and she relalises its the alcohol but she still continues to drink and get smashed!

Ive basically given her an ultimatum, if it happens one more time then im gone!

Were going out tonight and im so nervous its unbelieveable........any advice?

[stevo213]

Dont Know What To Do!

Where do i begin???

First of all id like to say many thanks to everyone who responded to my plea i wasnt expecting such a big response and a response that i felt people genuinley cared about my situation, thank you all soo much!

So Friday night we went out and guess what?? It all kicked of as per usual.

It started when we went to the local store before we went out and she bought some vodka, had a few drinks at home and then went out. Whilst we were out she first accused me of making her feel fat because i was staring at all the other women!!! We were the only people in there (because we got there early) apart from one or two waitresses. During the middle of the night she became more agressive and basically told me i need to f*&^% off! So i got up and left her in the club alone, i got to the end of the street and thought to myself, i cant leave her there alone because she clearly cant take care of herself, so i went back!

When we got home i tried to film the storm that i knew was coming. The storm came and she came out with all obscenities, compared me to her exbf and basically told me how bad i was and how rubbish our relationship is etc etc.

No this is where things are a little different than normal.....normally she wakes up not knowing what the hell went on the previous night and is very apologetic and cant remember anything. This time (she still couldnt remember anything but) she was still aggressive and abusive. So i got up and cleaning the apartment and i see her crying and walking out to the balcony, i go out side to comfort her. And this is where she breaks down and openly admits she has a problem with alcohol, all she is thinking about is another drink, she doenst know what to do, she fells its killing her.

I told her i would help and we would look for support, the problem is we are both from UK but we live in Asia so finding help is pretty difficult unless its a really expensive rehab clinic that costs alot of money.

My problem is its Monday again and all thats happening now for the rest of the week is im on eggshells again about what will happen this coming friday!!!!

Do i leave, do i stay, do i tell her parents (which she has begged me not to)

Thanks all for your support, i felt very heartened to read your caring replies!

Thanks!

[Blossoms]

Dont Know What To Do!

stevo213;1479232 wrote: Where do i begin???

First of all id like to say many thanks to everyone who responded to my plea i wasnt expecting such a big response and a response that i felt people genuinley cared about my situation, thank you all soo much!

So Friday night we went out and guess what?? It all kicked of as per usual.

It started when we went to the local store before we went out and she bought some vodka, had a few drinks at home and then went out. Whilst we were out she first accused me of making her feel fat because i was staring at all the other women!!! We were the only people in there (because we got there early) apart from one or two waitresses. During the middle of the night she became more agressive and basically told me i need to f*&^% off! So i got up and left her in the club alone, i got to the end of the street and thought to myself, i cant leave her there alone because she clearly cant take care of herself, so i went back!

When we got home i tried to film the storm that i knew was coming. The storm came and she came out with all obscenities, compared me to her exbf and basically told me how bad i was and how rubbish our relationship is etc etc.

No this is where things are a little different than normal.....normally she wakes up not knowing what the hell went on the previous night and is very apologetic and cant remember anything. This time (she still couldnt remember anything but) she was still aggressive and abusive. So i got up and cleaning the apartment and i see her crying and walking out to the balcony, i go out side to comfort her. And this is where she breaks down and openly admits she has a problem with alcohol, all she is thinking about is another drink, she doenst know what to do, she fells its killing her.

I told her i would help and we would look for support, the problem is we are both from UK but we live in Asia so finding help is pretty difficult unless its a really expensive rehab clinic that costs alot of money.

My problem is its Monday again and all thats happening now for the rest of the week is im on eggshells again about what will happen this coming friday!!!!

Do i leave, do i stay, do i tell her parents (which she has begged me not to)

Thanks all for your support, i felt very heartened to read your caring replies!

Thanks!

Steve - I also live in Asia and there are a number of English language AA groups in my city (they mostly meet in the churches), but actually I find coming on here the most helpful.

Do you leave or stay? Only you can make that decision - but if you do stay she needs to make a plan about how she will handle not drinking and you need to be behind her 100%.

It sounds like most of your social life revolves around drinking as it does for a lot of us expats. You need to think of other activities that you can do together that don't involve drinking.... At least at first. Can you handle not drinking with her?

And don't tell her parents. She's not a child. I am glad that I am a long way from my parents and told have to tell them, at least until I am ready.

[Blossoms]

Dont Know What To Do!

Steve - if you don't mind can you let me know where you are in Asia and I'll see what I can find.
PM me if you don't feel comfortable putting it on the main board.

[stevo213]

Dont Know What To Do!

Blossoms;1479245 wrote: Steve - if you don't mind can you let me know where you are in Asia and I'll see what I can find.
PM me if you don't feel comfortable putting it on the main board.

Hi Blossoms, i have just PM you.

Thanks

[K9Lover]

Dont Know What To Do!

Hi Stevo,

Wow, I'm not sure where to begin either! I guess the "good" thing is that maybe it finally hit her that alcohol is a HUGE problem for her. You seem to really care about this person, I hope she will someday appreciate that. It won't happen until she's sober though. And there will be many more outbursts and accusations before things get better. Be prepared for that. Would she be willing to "talk" to us? We've all been there. I was a bitch on wheels when I was drinking...nobody was safe when I was in my drunken state. I can totally relate to what she's going through.

Stay strong and let us know what's going on! :l

K9

[Byrdlady]

Dont Know What To Do!

A couple things stand out to me.
You went to the store before you went out and she bought vodka. This is AFTER you issued the ultimatum, right? She bought it with you there? Were you there as she drank it? Did you join her? When you were at dinner did she continue to order drinks? You went to a club? This is complicated....you may actually be enabling her and not realizing it. We alkies are also crafty when we are desperate to keep our addiction going. I had meltdowns, too and told my hubs I needed help, but that didn't stop me from drinking. Remember, this is addiction. We will tell you what you want to hear if it means we get our way.
You will never get thru to her AFTER she has started drinking...you can't reason thru AL. So these conversations need to be when she is sober...NOT the morning after. Not sober yet.
Going to a club where AL is front and center is not good. Please pick a place that isn't so AL oriented. It takes a long while to be able to handle 'a club'. A long while, really.
I would be curious how the conversations are going today. If she knows you are serious about kicking her out, she will seek help. Otherwise, she won't...well, I didn't. Remember to her, this is a hard choice as unbelievable as that seems. Show her the video of how she acted...maybe this will get thru to her that you ARE serious. Tell her about us... and that we can help. But if she thinks she can get away with this again, she will do it. Because now you have issued the ultimatum and not backed it up.
My question to you is, are you sure you want to invest the time and mental energy to stay. IS this person THE ONE? You will have to make considerable lifestyle changes too, to be with her if she is. We are not an easy lot to live with, I'm sorry to say...we come with baggage. It sounds as if she plunged right back into a relationship after just getting out of the other one. As drunk as I ever got, I never verbally bashed my husband. I never said mean things to hurt him or cut him down. So I'm worried about all these mean things she said to you.
You've got some real decisions to make. All I can say is listen to your gut. If your little voice says, RUN...then maybe it's best to move on. Like everyone says, if it is meant to be, then it will work out...even if you leave now.
I don't think I've helped at all here....I'm just sorry you are having to deal with this. All the best, and I hope you can get thru to her. Byrdie

[Wagoneer]

Dont Know What To Do!

No one deserves to be abused. Verbally or physically. Man or woman. Drunk or sober. I speak from experience. My ex husband was the drunk/drug addict years ago (ironic now, right?) and I issued ultimatum after ultimatum. Threw in in rehab three times. He tried to commit suicide after each ultimatum (half heartedly, but an attempt nonetheless)...all to guilt me in to staying which I did. I tried for eleven long years to "fix" him. My self worth plumeted. Lost friends, family, money, and seemingly, my mind. And I had kids to take care of too. He was not ready (and ended up never veing ready) to be sober. I finally left and started my own life and he continued his. He threw everything away and I wasted years of my life trying to fix this man. If your girlfriend understands she has a problem and admits it, but refuses to change or at least make an effort, it is my opinion that you need to cut your losses. I know it sounds harsh, but she has obviously not hit her rock bottom. Are you willing to give your life up to help her get back on track? If you are, understand that people only change if they want to. I hope you don't think I am being mean. I just hate to see these situations where a good person is being abused and just keeps coming back for more. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I speak from experience! I hope this all works out for you (and her). I hope she knows how much you care and gets a grip on this beast. But she needs to get a grip on herself.

[Byrdlady]

Dont Know What To Do!

Leave.
Byrdie

[Struggles 106]

Dont Know What To Do!

Interesting SteveO

I found all these posts very interesting, and I am sorry for your situation. I have several questions though-
How much do YOU drink? If drinking is the cornerstone of the relationship, then what?
If she was in an abusive relationship for longer than A LITTLE WHILE--then does she have self-worth issues? Frankly I think this is a dumb question> Clearly the answer is yes.

Maybe she is a person who is quite accustomed to dramatic nonsense in her life, her compass may be out of whack. People can get very comfortable with what they are used to. I know women who are nut magnets, just because they gravitate to crazy men since that is what they know.

I think your situation may not be hopeless, but recovery can be hard for anyone. I wish you strength and determination that you need to figure out what to do.

And I love Byrdie's clarity--LEAVE. And that's always an option. You may not have enough energy you're willing to expend for such a project.

[K9Lover]

Dont Know What To Do!

How's it going today Steve?
Just checking in on you!

[Byrdlady]

Dont Know What To Do!

Well Ann, maybe I should elaborate a little!
I don't know about you, but anytime a relationship ended and I was able to look back on it, I always was able to say, it was for the best. It broke up for a reason, and the reason is that it wasn't working anymore. So when you can give yourself the gift of distance things actually become clearer. In leaving, she would see that AL cost her another relationship, and it may be enough to get her to seek help. You have issued the ultimatum...and she chose to drink. She CHOSE to drink. She had a choice of YOU or AL, and she chose AL.
Unless you are willing to make major lifestyle changes forever....leave. This does NOT go away, unfortunately. Later down the road maybe your paths will cross again. Life is funny that way. Just my 2 cents. I wish you all the best, you sound like a wonderful man. Byrdie

[stevo213]

Dont Know What To Do!

Well......again im humbled by all the responses!

Since the weekend and when i told her i would help her etc, we sort of havent talked about it. She has started going to the gym straight after her work, but something deep down in me thinks shes drinking and not going to the gym, this is driving me crazy.

She asked me to meet her for a glass of wine after her gym session the other day and i said no way, what about what you said on the weekend blah blah and she said i wasnt being supportive etc etc. She said if i was with her she would only drink 1 glass instead of the 10 vodkas thats on her mind to drink.

I dont know what to do, do i refuse to go with her then run the risk of her drinking alone or do i go with her to keep an eye on her????

If im being honest i feel not like a real man...i should be standing up to this and not posting on a forum for strangers to tell me what to do. I have friends who wouldnt stand for any of this and would tell her to pack her bags and go....but soemthing inside me wants to help and doesnt want to loose her.....its driving me crazy.

[stevo213]

Dont Know What To Do!

Ann Carolina;1480046 wrote: I found all these posts very interesting, and I am sorry for your situation. I have several questions though-
How much do YOU drink? If drinking is the cornerstone of the relationship, then what?
If she was in an abusive relationship for longer than A LITTLE WHILE--then does she have self-worth issues? Frankly I think this is a dumb question> Clearly the answer is yes.

Maybe she is a person who is quite accustomed to dramatic nonsense in her life, her compass may be out of whack. People can get very comfortable with what they are used to. I know women who are nut magnets, just because they gravitate to crazy men since that is what they know.

I think your situation may not be hopeless, but recovery can be hard for anyone. I wish you strength and determination that you need to figure out what to do.

And I love Byrdie's clarity--LEAVE. And that's always an option. You may not have enough energy you're willing to expend for such a project.

im a social drinker, i can go weeks without a drink and it doesnt bother me. I never drink at home (i actually think it tastes different). But i do like a good night out with my friends, watching the football, but i always know my limits and when ive had enough, ive had enough!!! The problem is our social circles are very similar and if im out shes out.

She was in an abusive relationship for 7 years,how much of that time was actually abusive i have no idea but it certainly seems to me that she is deeply deeply affected by it all. My deepest concern is that she is not fully over it and we got together too quickly after it

[Cornczech]

Dont Know What To Do!

I would hate it if my husband left me...and I have thought of even leaving him as he has a drinking problem too....except he's a binge drinker and a "happy" drunk...and I am a daily drinker and not so happy.....

I mention this because I would tell you to leave.....I have been with my husband for close to 15 years...He knew me when I wasn't a daily drinker.....I have always been a bit of a drama queen...but it got SO MUCH WORSE after I became an full blown alcoholic.....I am 46 years old....it sounds like you and your gal friend are much younger.....
Something you wrote stands out to me.....you mention you want to help her....to somehow save her....and please don't take this wrong...because trust me, I wish someone could save me....(nobody can "save" an addict but the addict themselves...), but isn't it kind of being an enabler to want to save someone who is not thinking they need to be saved? I dunno...I've either been the child of an alcoholic or the alcoholic.....I have never been with an addict before....well..until I married my husband....but I never have tried to save him......
Anyhow....again, like I stated in my first post to you....ultimatums don't work and in addition....you cannot save another person....especially an addict...if they don't realize they need saving...and only an addict can save themselves.....(despite my dreaming and wishing I could be saved by the love of another...I know that only I have the power to save myself FROM myself.....)

Like others here...I wish you luck....love is a funny thing, isn't it?