I have been a HEAVY drinker for the past 4 years. Meaning not a day went by that I havent had a drink. The idea of being sober scares me because Ive only dealt with life drunk.
It started off with pot smoking in high school and then college, everyday. I stopped for a few years once I started working but would still get loaded when I went out to a party (pretty often). Then in my mid-twenties, I would have a glass or two of wine a night to "unwind" while still smoking pot to fall asleep.
By the time I was 30, I was drinking about a bottle of wine every night and then 6 drinks in one sitting while out socially.
About 2 years ago, everything around me collapsed, I lost my relationship, my career most likely because of my addiction to alcohol. So, instead of dealing with my reality, I was so depressed that I just drank more and upped my drink of choice to hard liquor. I would drink from the moment I woke up to the minute I passed out. Living off my savings from the high powered career I lost due to my careless behaviour.
Everything I did throughout the day depended on alcohol - I would walk to a bar and drink alone and pick up from the liquor store to make sure I had enough before I ran out. I went from being a social butterfly to a closet drinker with nothing. The funny thing is that nobody knew. I was drinking vodka in a water bottle all day long. Living a secret life. Even my recent boyfriend didnt know. But the joke has been on me.
For the past 5 months, it got worse, I have been drinking up 4 to 5 750 ml bottles of vodka per week, all alone. I gave up all hobbies, dont go to social gatherings anymore because I am either already too drunk or just prefer to keep drinking alone. I actually dont want people to see me drink-- talk about living a double life. These people must suspect something in my behaviour or just think Im crazy. My boyfriend just broke up with me because he couldnt take my "moodiness" and horrible temper (I never had one when I wasnt drunk) and I barely have any friends because I had managed to fight with all of them or just act selfishly by not being there for them.
Two weeks ago when I went to throw out my stash of bottles, I counted 12-- I had drank them in less than 3 weeks. The visual of me throwing away each bottle in the dumpster is what did it. I am done with living this disgusting life.
These are the changes I have made so far, last week, I tapered off the booze to 2 drinks a day and even skipped 3 days out of the week altogether. Im shaky, tired as hell, craving alcohol but getting through it. My doctor gave me some xanex (i told him it was for anxiety) so thats helping with edginess. I sent out my resume and got a number of calls back, this will be the first time I am working in a while
I didnt drink Saturday or Sunday but had 4 drinks on Monday. Not proud about that but its Wednesday and I havent drank yesterday or today. I am going to bed feeling good that I have FINALLY opened up about this secret life I have been leading for so long.
Tomorrow I have a job interview and I hope it goes well. I have to become a functioning member of society again-- I have a great education and resume and my whole life ahead of me to meet a man, get married and have a babies. I cannot be alone anymore. I am committed to doing this and through this forum I dont feel alone. You have no idea what a release this has been.
So now that you know my story, I hope you will join me in my journey in restoring my life. I plan to take it one day at a time and if you dont mind, I plan to share this experience with you. Ive never posted on a forum before, just read others' stories while sipping a drink hoping that one day I had the strength not only admit I had a problem but to speak up about it and do something about it. You have all in your own way inspired to to get on this path. I envy all of you and thank you for giving me this time to listen.
It started off with pot smoking in high school and then college, everyday. I stopped for a few years once I started working but would still get loaded when I went out to a party (pretty often). Then in my mid-twenties, I would have a glass or two of wine a night to "unwind" while still smoking pot to fall asleep.
By the time I was 30, I was drinking about a bottle of wine every night and then 6 drinks in one sitting while out socially.
About 2 years ago, everything around me collapsed, I lost my relationship, my career most likely because of my addiction to alcohol. So, instead of dealing with my reality, I was so depressed that I just drank more and upped my drink of choice to hard liquor. I would drink from the moment I woke up to the minute I passed out. Living off my savings from the high powered career I lost due to my careless behaviour.
Everything I did throughout the day depended on alcohol - I would walk to a bar and drink alone and pick up from the liquor store to make sure I had enough before I ran out. I went from being a social butterfly to a closet drinker with nothing. The funny thing is that nobody knew. I was drinking vodka in a water bottle all day long. Living a secret life. Even my recent boyfriend didnt know. But the joke has been on me.
For the past 5 months, it got worse, I have been drinking up 4 to 5 750 ml bottles of vodka per week, all alone. I gave up all hobbies, dont go to social gatherings anymore because I am either already too drunk or just prefer to keep drinking alone. I actually dont want people to see me drink-- talk about living a double life. These people must suspect something in my behaviour or just think Im crazy. My boyfriend just broke up with me because he couldnt take my "moodiness" and horrible temper (I never had one when I wasnt drunk) and I barely have any friends because I had managed to fight with all of them or just act selfishly by not being there for them.
Two weeks ago when I went to throw out my stash of bottles, I counted 12-- I had drank them in less than 3 weeks. The visual of me throwing away each bottle in the dumpster is what did it. I am done with living this disgusting life.
These are the changes I have made so far, last week, I tapered off the booze to 2 drinks a day and even skipped 3 days out of the week altogether. Im shaky, tired as hell, craving alcohol but getting through it. My doctor gave me some xanex (i told him it was for anxiety) so thats helping with edginess. I sent out my resume and got a number of calls back, this will be the first time I am working in a while
I didnt drink Saturday or Sunday but had 4 drinks on Monday. Not proud about that but its Wednesday and I havent drank yesterday or today. I am going to bed feeling good that I have FINALLY opened up about this secret life I have been leading for so long.
Tomorrow I have a job interview and I hope it goes well. I have to become a functioning member of society again-- I have a great education and resume and my whole life ahead of me to meet a man, get married and have a babies. I cannot be alone anymore. I am committed to doing this and through this forum I dont feel alone. You have no idea what a release this has been.
So now that you know my story, I hope you will join me in my journey in restoring my life. I plan to take it one day at a time and if you dont mind, I plan to share this experience with you. Ive never posted on a forum before, just read others' stories while sipping a drink hoping that one day I had the strength not only admit I had a problem but to speak up about it and do something about it. You have all in your own way inspired to to get on this path. I envy all of you and thank you for giving me this time to listen.
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