Ok well here it goes please don't judge me and please don't put me down I'm going through hell as it is just lookin for some advice. Over the past 4 months me and my wife have been separated and things are just starting to look up. I can't believe it to be honest she told me that she wasn't sure if marriage was for her we've been married for 13 years and have 2 kids. My world was upside down and I felt like I was going to die. I have been a loving faithful husband and good to my wife for 13 years. Well I worked on myself alot and she has come around now to my issue. Two weekends ago I went in a stag and had a blast when we got back to the hotel I got drug in a room by a girl and I was so drunk (not an excuse) I fooled around with her. I'm 99% positive we didn't have se but there was kissing and touching. I have for 2 weeks been tryin to figure out what the hell I was thinking or doing. I have never felt like that when drunk before and never acre like that in my marriage I feel horrible and guilty and don't know what to do or if I should tell my wife . Any help would be appreciated and if you want to call me a asshole or anything like that please I'm trying to be constructive and not put myself down anymore than I already have.
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Not sure what to do
Bruno, you don't mention if this episode of drinking was isolated. What type of drinker are you usually?
I doubt you'll say anything here that no one has heard before, so don't worry about being judged.
My feelings in these cases is that it does no one any good to come clean and tell the spouse. That said, it DID happen for a reason that should be addressed. Were you feeling lonely or unwanted by your wife? I would share those feelings when you feel more stable (and are sober) and see if you can come to an agreement.
If I were you I would chalk it up to a lesson and move Hell and high water to make sure it never happens again, even if this means giving up drinking.
Welcome to MWO!Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself. -
Not sure what to do
Hey siren I have had 3 times in my life I have got why I would call blackout drunk and regreted. This was the last time it will ever happen as I've made the decision to have 2 drinks max when I'm with anyone but my wife. If I'm with her I may have more. I am not a douche bag or bad guy but I wonder toy self what kind if man almost loses his wife makes numerous changes including losing 40 lbs and becomes an amazing guy and then in a moment if weakness try's to throw it all away. I am having such a hard time with it cause I want to be 100% honest with my wife I. This new relationship we are starting but don't think ill be able to put myself into it 100% knowing what I did and that obviously I could be capable of doing it again. I don't want to crush her and am still at the point of not knowing why I would be telling her so she knows and can decide if staying with menus what she wants or if I'd just be telling her to get rid of my guilt. If I don't tell her how have people been able to cope with that kind of secretComment
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Not sure what to do
I agree with siren 100%. Coming clean will only hurt her. It will undo all the hard work you have done. Do get the feelings causing this behavior out in the open and examine the reasons.
Good luck. Keep working on the relationship.No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.Comment
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Not sure what to do
I agree with the advice you've been given. I understand that you don't want to lie to your wife but, in reality, telling her will really only unburden you. You'll be handing her your guilt. Better, in my opinion, for you to take this as a very, very important lesson about over drinking and change your behavior. Build a better life for yourself and your marriage. It's a damn valuable lesson! 😊Comment
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Not sure what to do
My humble opinion? You're not ready to commit yourself to your wife right now. Maybe you need to get a grip first, give it some time and tell your wife if she's still interested when you're 6 months straight you'll let her know. You need time to search your soul and figure out what's happening inside. You aren't doing your wife any favours right now. Chase your demons out then go to her clean. As long as you know it can never happen again you don't need to tell her. But until then, stay away from a relationship with your wife, it's only fair. Hope I'm not too harsh but that's how I see it.Newbies Nest
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Not sure what to do
In the last week I have done alot of soul searching over what happened and have realized that I am so happy with my wife and that this will never happen again. I realize that I have a problem with binge drinking and am never gonna do it again I will only drink with my wife and will never drink excessively. I will move hell or high water to make sure I never get into a situation like that night again. I am dealing with the guilt on my own as its not fair to put my wife through that cause of a very stupid selfish mistake I made. I every day for the rest if my life will be the best husband I can be and definately will take this as a hard lesson learned. Thank you for your replies everybody I have never admitted to myself that I had a problem with alcohol when I drink alot but now have come to the realization that I really hate who I am when I drink alot and do things I would NEVER do if I was sober or only had a few drinks. I am interested to know how people have dealt with the guilt of doing this kind of thing when they haven't told ?Comment
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Not sure what to do
Hey Bruno
Hmmm...seeing that this is a site for helping people who don't want to drink-here goes.
Do you need to drink at all? Is it not constructive to consider that drinking is doing you no good?
Maybe you are not abusing alcohol, I certainly don't know. But from what you wrote it seems that it is rather destructive.
The episode you mention is troubling. IMO any blackout drinking at all is bad news.
Maybe you are at an early point in alcohol use where you should quit while you are somewhat "ahead". As for the transgression I am not sure what I would do.
I do know that alcohol helps nothing. If you have blacked out before you will do it again. Maybe a bit of research into what is happening with your body and brain when this happens is in order-quite frightening.
Since I am no expert by any stretch, I will just say that relationships can be hard enough to negotiate without alcohol thrown in the mix.
Everyone here is here for the same reason-help, support and encouragement without judgement. To see a problem and TRY to fix it is all that one can do.
I wish you well and hope you keep coming here for all this site has to offer.Comment
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Not sure what to do
I would echo what kronkcarr said. Take your guilt and use it to reinforce your decision to stay sober.
I have not been in this situation but hope someone comes along to help you.Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.Comment
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Not sure what to do
Thank you guys I think I have decided to quit drinking. I may not quit drinking for the rest if my life but till I get all my shit figured out in my relationship and my head I am done. I will never do what I did or even think about doing it if I'm sober. My marriage is worth way more than a night out with the boys and a bunch I drinks. I am gonna spend the rest of my life being the husband that my wife deserves. I'm so glad I found this site it has helped alot. I know that night that wasn't the true me and I have to forgive myself for that and for the over drinking that is why I won't drink for a long time it's not worth my family.Comment
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Not sure what to do
I've not done this either, but I do know I've done other crap I'm not proud of. I like how you've come to the idea that drinking is an issue for you.
See here's what I think would happen for me if I were you--kinda confusing?! So if I continued to drink with my spouse after cheating there'd be a time when I'd drink too much and I'd get the brilliant idea to confess and I would. Big OOPPS! Because I was drunk I'd be sure it was a good idea. So I'd be drunk telling my spouse that I cheated only because I was drunk--DUH!
However you can make it work this is a wake up call. If you don't make it work I'm almost 100% certain you'll get another one. I got many, many before I woke up.
Rise and shine! 🌞Comment
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Not sure what to do
Believe me kronk I will not make the same mistake ever again in my life I learnt my lesson on binge drinking I'm staying sober for a while and have definately learnt alot about myself in the last couple weeks I will not let myself down again. I'm gonna do my best to make sure I don't have anymore wake up calls I realize I had some growing up to do and that I need to work harder on my relationship so I am truly happy. I'm not 100% happy at this point so I am going to talk to my wife about how I'm feeling but I'm not gonna tell her about the other girl and unload my regret and guilt onto her I know it will NEVER happen again as I have takeny drinking into my own hands and have told all my friends that I'm not drinking and to honor that. They all have and willComment
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Not sure what to do
Hi there B. Ive read yr posts and grt advice given in response. No judging frm me jst wanted to put my pennies worth in to c if it helps you. I have been married 12 yrs and i have had a drunken fumble with a stranger and again a few yrs later. Not proud...very ashamed indeed. I did not tell my husband. I knew that if i did it would cause utter misery for him. I hav kept it to myself BUT i have pondered on WHY it happened not once but twice. I know why but i wont go into that. Dealing with the guilt is hard and its v easy to blame the binge boozing but there is always another deep rooted reason for it...one of mine was loneliness and being unable to talk to my husband about my inner feelings...im shit at that and so is he. Please dont beat yrself up too much..it sounds like u r in turmoil about it. Be a bit kind to yourself...go on. Enjoy yr wifes company and hav fun together. If u can try not to pick up the bottle all the better. It always makes life soooo much harder when alcohol abuse gets involved...believe u me...i know...i really do. Hope ive helped. Bella xxComment
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Not sure what to do
Bella how we're you able to let the guilt go and move on. I am trying really hard to let it go and leave it I. The past so I can become the new me. The sober me and the faithful me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I will never do it again. I just need to get over the guilt and forgive myself for what I did.Comment
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Not sure what to do
Use the guilt as a tool. Use it to become a better husband.
Then take a deep breath and let go. You will get past this. All of us who have binged know the guilt of doing incredibly stupid things. Realize you are not alone.
Hope that helps you. Read the you know your an alcoholic when... Thread.No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.Comment
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