Not sure what to do

[Bella]

Not sure what to do

We r all different. U must be a better person than me as i just put my guilt away in a box and concentrated on my relationship. We all make mistakes. But as i said before...there is always a reason for betrayal. Look deep...very deep into why u think it happened. Anyway..all the best. Bells xx

[Bella]

Not sure what to do

Great advice l beagle. X

[Brunocalzone]

Not sure what to do

Hey guys/girls I am still having a really hard time with the guilt of all of this. I feel like I am letting what I did run my life and the anxiety of it and the guilt is so big right now. I am so dissappointed in myself and I know looking deep inside me that I am not who I turned into and acted like that night. I realize I am so dissappointed in myself for putting myself in that position and acting on it. I really don't know how I can go on and keep this a secret as I believe in honesty with my wife. I don't want to hurt her though. We have been doing so good building our marriage back up and I don't want to ruin that. I'm still doing alot of soul searching and hope that this guilt gets less very soon I'm going crazy thinking about it all the time. I wish I could put it in a box and just lock it away but it is starting to affect my health and my sanity. Any replys that will help would be appreciated

[satz123]

Not sure what to do

Brunocalzone;1527218 wrote: Hey guys/girls I am still having a really hard time with the guilt of all of this. I feel like I am letting what I did run my life and the anxiety of it and the guilt is so big right now. I am so dissappointed in myself and I know looking deep inside me that I am not who I turned into and acted like that night. I realize I am so dissappointed in myself for putting myself in that position and acting on it. I really don't know how I can go on and keep this a secret as I believe in honesty with my wife. I don't want to hurt her though. We have been doing so good building our marriage back up and I don't want to ruin that. I'm still doing alot of soul searching and hope that this guilt gets less very soon I'm going crazy thinking about it all the time. I wish I could put it in a box and just lock it away but it is starting to affect my health and my sanity. Any replys that will help would be appreciated

Why do you continue to re-hash this B ?
The advice given here has been a resounding 'no' to telling your wife about a stupid few hours - what good will telling her now do ?
I cannot see any reason you would tell her - LET IT GO !!
That was not you while you were drunk - just think of it that way ?

[JackDanielsGirl]

Not sure what to do

Hi B,

I have been kinda in you shoes. Without going into details, I had to first forgive myself. I know without a doubt I will never be unfaithful to my husband again. We both have issues but telling him will only undo the good that has been accomplished. Forgive yourself! We all make mistakes, I too believe in honesty, but telling on myself only hurts him and our children. Its done its over and never to be repeated. Confess to God and be forgiven, then let it go. If that means you pretend like it never happened then do it. Do what ever it takes to save your sanity, sobriety, marriage, and ultimately yourself.

Hope this helps,
JDG

[satz123]

Not sure what to do

JackDanielsGirl;1527227 wrote: Hi B,

I have been kinda in you shoes. Without going into details, I had to first forgive myself. I know without a doubt I will never be unfaithful to my husband again. We both have issues but telling him will only undo the good that has been accomplished. Forgive yourself! We all make mistakes, I too believe in honesty, but telling on myself only hurts him and our children. Its done its over and never to be repeated. Confess to God and be forgiven, then let it go. If that means you pretend like it never happened then do it. Do what ever it takes to save your sanity, sobriety, marriage, and ultimately yourself.

Hope this helps,
JDG

AMEN !:goodjob:

[kronkcarr]

Not sure what to do

If you go to church or temple talk with the minister, priest or rabbi. If not, find someone you trust and talk. If still not, there is a cool thing called PostSecret (look online) and you can unburden yourself by sending this secret on a postcard to the address given online. I hope this helps.

[3June2013]

Not sure what to do

bruno are you still AF? If so celebrate that. Are you still sure you won't cheat again? Celebrate that. Turn this thing around. If it was a nasty embarrassing episode that made you quit AL then it is also a reason to celebrate. You are a caring guy or you wouldn't be so tortured over this. You love your wife. Don't tell her, if some day 50 years from now you want to admit to it go ahead but right now it's far more important to work on getting AL out of your life. One step at a time. We're here, keep posting.

[Brunocalzone]

Not sure what to do

Thank you for the replies I have had a few drinks with friends when out camping but won't at bars or where there are women I don't know. I have such a strong feeling to tell her as I want to be honest with my wife and have no secrets between us. I know I was emotionally messed up that night from the previous 4 months if hell I had gone through with my wife saying she wanted to be separated. Maybe subconsciously I did it to hurt her I don't know. All I do know is it is really messing me up not telling her and the thought that she could find out one day I am trying so hard to rebuild this marriage and did this and have no clue how I could have not thought about her or my kids while I was doing what I did. I'm so glad I never actually had sex with the woman but just wish I could go back and stop it. I really don't know what to do and the guilt an shame has got worst over the last week or so. I may explode and tell her but don't want to hurt her I'm so scared right now and so lost in my life

[drinkingal]

Not sure what to do

Brunocalzone;1527259 wrote: I have such a strong feeling to tell her as I want to be honest with my wife and have no secrets between us.

The only reason you want to tell your wife is to unburden yourself and make yourself feel better, but by doing that you'll make your wife hurt and angry. That is why you shouldn't tell her because it would be completely selfish -all gain for you, all pain for her and thats the truth. You could be right that you were trying to hurt her or get back at her for the separation, so acknowledge that to yourself and use this as motivation to do better in your marriage. I especially think since sex didn't happen, the amount of hurt this may cause your wife is not worth it. Your trying to justify telling her by thinking "I want to be completely honest with her" because you see that as important, but is it really more important than hurting her deeply and making her feel betrayed? and I think if you are really honest with yourself about why your really need to tell her, it's because you feel guilty and unloading that onto your wife will be a relief but if you're expecting her to appreciate your honesty and tell you she forgives you, you could be really mistaken, she could take this very bad especially if your marriage is shaky already.

[Brunocalzone]

Not sure what to do

You are probably right about it just un burdening me. How do I start to act normal and feel normal though with the guilt. I have confessed to a pastor and he to says to not tell my wife. I pray to god every day that I can get through this I thank him for every day with my wife but I feel like I'm just waiting for it to come out and my marriage to end. I I'm feeling that way how do I begin to lol into the future with my wife and build the most amazing marriage possible.

[drinkingal]

Not sure what to do

Brunocalzone;1527281 wrote: You are probably right about it just un burdening me. How do I start to act normal and feel normal though with the guilt.

you need to stop wallowing in the guilt, and accept that you are just as flawed as anyone else, we all mess up and do things we regret and it's just part of being human. Like I said, use this as motivation to do better, because you can't undo it. You obviously feel guilty because you do love your wife so do what it takes to prove that to her, wallowing and beating yourself up does nothing for you or her or your marriage so you need to stop putting so much energy into dwelling on this for the sake of dwelling, and use that same amount of time and energy to get focused on what is wrong in your marriage and trying to fix it.

No one can tell you how to have a happy marriage, but when you feel yourself getting defensive or angry (like you probably felt when this drunken incident happened), it helps to take a step back and try to see things from the other persons perspective, because sometimes we get so blinded by our own feelings that we don't see what the other person is saying or feeling or trying to get across, but that goes both ways (for all we know your wife could be demanding and unreasonable and impossible to live with).

[Brunocalzone]

Not sure what to do

Thanks drinkingal I don't know if I will ever tell my wife as I don't want to crush her. I am asking god very hard to forgive me and I know he has. Now the hard part of forgiving myself. This is gonna be a hard journey bit I have to do it for my own sanity. I can say with 100% certainty I will NEVER put myself in a situation where I could possibly cheat again. I am working really hard on putting all this negative energy into positive energy towards my wife and family. I know I'm not a bad guy but that I just made a huge mistake that won't ever happen again I am going to keep praying every day and thank god for all the blessings in my life especially my wife and kids. This forum has helped me so much and I thank everyone that has gave me advice it is so greatly appreciated

[fruitjuice101]

Not sure what to do

Hey B,
I'm experiencing a similar situation as you right now and I'm with you. You love your wife, and I love my girlfriend. We both did terrible things when drunk. Things we will never do while fully conscious. We ponder whether or not we should tell our partners but leaned against it. I, like you, believe in honesty above all else but consequences tell us it may not always be the best policy. Now we bear the guilt and just wish we could lock the memories in a box and continue with our normal lives as the perfect partner. Just that... it's hard to let things go. I'm still searching for a way to forgive myself. You've been in the situation earlier than I have, and if you have found some ways to slowly erase the guilt and continue loving your wife, please, please tell me. Thank you.

[lucky 2.0]

Not sure what to do

I agree that I don't think you should tell your wife. I see absolutely no good that come from it.