Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

[broken halo]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Hi rr, it sounds like you had a lucky escape. It's entirely up to you what you take from that whole experience. I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

[free at last]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Wow, Phil, this sounds horrific. Am glad you are now physically ok. I know with the loss of your wife there must be a great deal of sadness and grief to work through -- so glad you are seeking help.

[Yourfriend6116]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

So glad you are ok!! Keep posting-everyone is here for you.

[mama bear]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Oh Phil......someone was watching over you...have you reached out to your sponsor now that you are home???
PLEASE be ok.....and keep us posted. I don't get involved in alot of threads due to past drama, but I am very concerned about you and want to help if I can

[roadrunner777]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Hi Mamabear,
Yes, I went to AA last night and talked with him for a good while. Outpatient tonight, psychiatrist appt lined up. I restart work next week, and I see my primary care doctor tomorrow.

I wanted to say a few words about alcohol tolerance and progression. Just because one can walk does not equal sobriety. When I dialed 911, I just hung up on them without saying anything. If you want a LOT of people in your house in a hurry, this will do it. I have a long driveway, one car wide. The first to arrive were 5 police/sheriff cars. Then the ambulance came at the end of the line. No way of getting a gurney through because of the snow banks, no real way for people to hold me up. So, I walked the hundred or so feet, missing 3 pints of blood and a BAC of .42 through 6" snow. Kids, don't try this at home.

Thanks everyone for the kind words. In the few good days of therapy I had mentioned to several groups that a good way to talk about addiction to people without getting TOO personal is to use forums such as this one. You have all been so encouraging. Again, thank you.

Phil

[mama bear]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Oh Phil
Thank heavens
hold on to this horrible memory if you consider drinking again
Much love and support

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Hi Phil,
Just wanted to "introduce" myself to you~ I'm Patty.
Thanks for your candor and your willingness to share your story, as horrid as it is.... your wise advice will help others that are struggling. It's amazing that you are alive and I'm glad you've got a second chance.

Hugs to you on the loss of your wife. :l
I hope that you are finding your way...:h

[roadrunner777]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Hi Patty, everybody...

Life has been pretty good... something like a month AF so far. Something about the whole aborted suicide/hospital thing changed me in positive ways.

I think the key moment was when I decided to call 911 instead of dying. I should probably explain something about that night. What I did to start the bleeding was a drunken and stupid thing; I did not start out thinking about killing myself. I basically had gone insane because my blood alcohol was so high (0.42). I passed out bleeding to death, but woke again and was faced with a decision. Dial 911 or die.

At that point, in that state of mind, it was not an easy choice. I have had a great career, an incredible marriage, and no direct children. My health was crappy, and I would have died without regret. I even typed out a brief suicide note when I first woke up.

Then, I changed my mind and dialed 911. I can't tell you why I changed my mind. I'd like to be able to say that God spoke to me, or maybe it was just the survival part of my brain waking up. I really don't know. But, I must have felt something that made me decide my time here was not done yet.

Anyway, positive things!

The main thing is that I am now solid in the acceptance phase over loosing Lynn. Not sure how, exactly when, or why.

I was seen by a mental health professional and they bumped me up to 30mg citalopram. I was taking 20mg before, but I was not real diligent about taking them. It's for depression, and I think it's working.

In fact, I have become a lot more interested in my health. I'm recording blood pressure, weight, and blood sugar daily. I have been doing this for a month and the numbers get better and better. I'm obese but have lost 30+ pounds since November. Still a lot to go but it's nice to see the progress. I stood in front of a full mirror in underwear this morning and could see the difference.

I'm back to work full-time at my job of 14 years, on a 4/10 shift Saturday through Tuesday. This is the same job and shift I had for most of my last 10 year sober stretch, and I really like the 3 days off.

I'm back to 5 hours a week of group therapy for alcoholism and really enjoying it.

I'm going to AA about once a week. I'd like to go more and I am talking to my boss to shift my schedule a little bit so I can go to AA 2 nights and church.

And, I am reviving an old hobby and building a robot, just for fun.

A fellow at an AA meeting told me something last fall. He said that one way to a better state of being is to consider life a balance of 3 things: work, play, and social/spiritual. I kind of stashed that away but really started practicing it over the last month. I like to get somewhat equal amounts daily, but certainly weekly.

Winter has been extreme here in Minnesota, mainly because of the cold. We have spent a lot of this winter below zero for lows and often below zero for a high. But it looks like we turned a corner, and it was 16 this morning... almost time for shorts! LOL

Today, I am tranquil. I am drinking coffee instead of vodka, have the day off, and will work on frozen pipes, play with making my robot, and have Lynn's parents over supper, followed by a group therapy session.

Work, play, be social. It's my new mantra, and it's working great.

[DipGal]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

I just want to chime in as a fellow Midwesterner to give you a huge hug and tell you how much I am sending you positive energy vibes from Illinois! Your story is heartbreaking, but I can feel all the positivity in your "voice" and KNOW you are going to enjoy the rest of your life. Keep up the great work Phil!!

[Dottie Belle]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

WOW RR that is some story...I am so sorry for your loss and so very proud of you too. It took a lot for you to get to this point and we are here to help...
I live in Ohio and the weather here is horrid.....4 more inches of snow tonight......boohiss..

[roadrunner777]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

A New Dawn

Greetings again!

I have a couple of great things to report...

First, and it's not really an alcohol-related thing, or maybe, but I have lost 70 pounds since I first posted on this site. Maybe it is related and I actually care about myself now without the booze. Who knows.

Second, but really more primary is that a woman and I are maddly in love. We had our first date, ended up checking our physical compatibility (it had been a long time for both of us, if you don't know, don't ask!). Then we spent the rest of the night talking about our closet of skeletons, issues, desires and aspirations.

We are both 50+ and have figured out that it is best to get all that stuff on the table and done with so we can enjoy each other without doubt or worry. I told her I was a recovering alcoholic, and all the history I have covered here. I told her that I go to therapy for it Tuesday nights and she totally supports that. In fact, she will not see me Tuesday nights until after the therapy is finished. I was going to keep going anyway of course, but... It has been a REALLY long time since I had a mate that desired and was capable of supporting me emotionally.

We take walks sometimes, two people over 50, walking down the path holding hands with goofy grins on our faces. I imagine we are a sight.

It has been a long time since I thought about taking another drink... that's the icing on the cake.

I probably should have put a kleenex box warning at the start of this, I'm near tears of joy just writing it.

I want to thank you all for your support. This site helped me over some difficult times, and I want to tell everyone here... there IS life after alcohol, and it is spectacular. You don't have to sit on your couch tortured by the thoughts of taking another drink. Just dare to do it. The rewards are beyond description.

Thanks again everyone.

~Phil

[free at last]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Dear Phil,
I am so happy for you. Lost weight, better health, love of yourself and another lady AND remaining AF. What a journey you have been on these past several months -- SO PROUD of you.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

Thank you for sharing, Phil.. :hug:

Patty

[frances]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

That's wonderful! Thank you for sharing your news!

[SKendall]

Crying... I spent the day reading these forums

:goodjob: