Husband left.... Need some help

[looking for peace]

I haven't posted in awhile but have check and read a lot. My husband left me and my autistic son on Saturday night after 22 years of marriage. He said he wasn't happy and it just wasn't working out. He used what I consider a regular fight about paying for babysitting as an excuse to tell me what a raging bitch I am and he can't take it anymore. I was totally blindsided since I thought we were doing quite well over the last 2 months. I asked him to list any other instances in he last 2 months were a was raging and screaming. It took him 3 hours to come with a benign instance about a text.

Anyway, on Saturday I started drinking and didn't stop until Sunday evening. I was so sick, devastated, shocked. Just a roller coaster of emotions. I still am. I haven't drink since then. It's just so hard to process this, I want to numb the pain so badly, but booze will just make it worse. Anyway I am so shaky now and I don't know what I do.

I'm 52 years old. A stay at home mom. Have an autistic son who will be an autistic adult and I can't even imagine what my future will be like. Crying my eyes out. Don't know how to pass the days.

[Sake123]

Husband left.... Need some help

looking for peace - I am so sorry. This just sounds like an awful, shocking situation and I don't know that I would be able to handle it. But what surprises me is that you are here...reaching out! I wish I had words of wisdom, I don't. But I am glad that you are here reaching out. I can't imagine how hard it would be to in your shoes. I do know that miraculous things have happened to many people in situations like yours. I hope that you can find some comfort on this forum. I wish you and your son health and peace.

[halfway content]

Husband left.... Need some help

So sorry. Is there a friend who can help or advise you? Maybe a therapist or even a lawyer. Do you want your marriage to work? If so, just give it some time. Hopefully, things will work out for you. Alcohol will just make it worse.

[looking for peace]

Husband left.... Need some help

Thanks for the quick response. I actually just got back from my therapist and I feel a little better. We focused on me and what I can do for myself and with myself to get my life straight. Not drinking is making things clearer that I have to focus on me no matter what happens. It's actually easier because my husband drinks (max of one or two drinks a day) so we had a stocked liquor cabinet. I took all of they liquor (4 bottles worth, 2 of which were still sealed) and spilled it down the drain. I made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow and bought a pair of shoes. It's going to still be a roller coaster, but as long as I don't drink I think I will feel better and look better...... So I'll show him.

[Chilipepper]

Husband left.... Need some help

Glad you're doing better, Looking. Looks like you did the right thing by seeing the therapist. Take care.

[looking for peace]

Husband left.... Need some help

I just want to add this.... More for my own benefit because I think it's important for me to resolve. I need to tell the story of how my drinking started.

It was about 27 years ago... Before that I was a "normal" drinker that had maybe 2 to 3 drinks a week and only when out at the clubs. I had a very serious boyfriend of a few years and we both worked as DJ's at a nightclub. It was a Saturday night and he was working. I was at the club and walked into the DJ's booth and there was a woman in there. I casually said hi and asked who she was and he said she was his new girlfriend. I was in total shock and I don't know what I said or did at that point, but I remember both of them just laughing and laughing at me. I walked straight to the bar and got a couple of drinks. It immediately helped relieve the shock and stop the thoughts. Some guy picked me up and drove me to his apartment some where far from home. He gave me quite a few more drinks and tried to put the moves on me. I left and started walking the streets. It was about 5 in the morning. I somehow found a phone (the day before cell phones), called a friend of his and he drove me back home.

The friend then told me that my boyfriend had been seeing this woman for a year behind my back. He even spent thanksgiving at my families house for an early dinner and then went to her family's house for a late dinner. I was shocked, humiliated, devastated, etc. I started drinking to numb the pain from that moment on. It was not gradual for me.

When my husband left, I went back to my way of coping, but thankfully for only 24 hours. My mind went back to that night and how I let it make me alcoholic. I am determined to not let this happen to me again. Being dumped started my drinking career and being dumped again is going to get me out of it. I'm not giving away my power.

I also realized that drinking doesn't help you get over any breakup. It just prolonged the desperation stage longer. You know the stage where you show up where he is, the phone calls to the girlfriend with hang ups, the begging, the letters, the trying to get back at him, the parking my car by his apartment. That stage lasted about 2 years, until the next boyfriend came along. You have to be willing to feel the pain and get through it. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Thanks

[Samstone]

Husband left.... Need some help

looking for peace;1555083 wrote: Thanks for the quick response. I actually just got back from my therapist and I feel a little better. We focused on me and what I can do for myself and with myself to get my life straight. Not drinking is making things clearer that I have to focus on me no matter what happens. It's actually easier because my husband drinks (max of one or two drinks a day) so we had a stocked liquor cabinet. I took all of they liquor (4 bottles worth, 2 of which were still sealed) and spilled it down the drain. I made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow and bought a pair of shoes. It's going to still be a roller coaster, but as long as I don't drink I think I will feel better and look better...... So I'll show him.

So sorry to read.... Something here struck me, I know you are devastated, and rightfully so.
Yet, don't do anything to "show him". Everything you do should be for yourself. You need to look out after number one... YOU.
Hoping for the best for you,
Sam

[oakley]

Husband left.... Need some help

I feel for you and your son. I know what it's like to be a stay at home mom with dependant children and being blindsided. My husband of 12 years left us for his girlfriend and their love-child. I had no clue until she started emailing me and phoning my home anonymously and dropping hints...I guess he wasn't leaving me and our children soon enough, in her opinion. Needless to say, our divorce was complicated.

As tempting as it is to drink the anger and sorrow away, you know it won't work. I applaud you for coming here and seeking support. You need a clear head right now, for your son and for your self. Please stay sober. Rather than seeking support in a bottle, reach out to your family, friends and therapist. Allow them to help you. Don't go it alone.

In the beginning, my biggest fears were financial ones. I had no clue how I was going to support 3 children alone. Worrying about finances almost drove me insane and stopped me from moving forward because I had no idea what was in store for us. I highly recommend you visit a lawyer or two (to get a couple of opinions) and find out what your and your son's rights are. You have no control over how he feels and what he does but you do have control over how you deal with this situation, so put your and your son's needs first and do what you have to do to begin this journey alone.

Blessings!

[Cinders]

Husband left.... Need some help

Looking,

I am very sorry you were blindsided like this. But you have the right attitude.

Years ago my husband went through a period where he was in love with another woman. Much younger, might I add. The pain caused me to escalate my drinking at the time. I went from 2-3 a night to 4-5 a night.

We ended up working things out and still are together but as you can see, I am here on MWO trying to stay sober.

I wish I had not responded to the pain with drinking. I may not have reached the depths of alcoholism that I did before I could sober up.

Not blaming hubby, my alcoholism worsened over time, as it does naturally.

It is good to face the good, the bad and the ugly sober. Literally billions of people do.

Glad you are here and hoping things work out for the best for you.

Cindi

[looking for peace]

Husband left.... Need some help

Thank you all for your replies. I'm sorry for everyone that has had to go through a marriage breaking up, next to my sons autism diagnosis, this is the hardest thing I have been through so far. But I got through the diagnosis and I can get through this. Still doing fine with not drinking and I'm on day 5. Although yesterday I had a crying spell in the evening that lasted about 30 minutes. I am so glad I got rid of all the booze because I could have really gone back to it.

Instead I cried, called my son, read the boards and eventually got over it enough to clean out some old makeup, creams lotions, shampoos, etc. it's amazing how much junk accumulates when you don't care enough to clean it out because you are drinking every evening. I thought that evenings would be really tough and boring without drinking (and its true, they can be). But if you just took care of unfinished chores and business after years of drinking, you could stay busy for a long, long time.

So I decided that when I'm bored and can't think of anything else to do, or if I just can't think of anything to do that I will tackle one small project at a time. Even if its just one junk drawer. It's enough to somewhat keep my mind off things and it gives me a sense of accomplishment, no matter how small.

[oakley]

Husband left.... Need some help

Good girl!
It's ok to cry. In fact, if you didn't, that would be cause for more concern.
You are doing the right thing and use whatever distractions you can to stay AF. Cleaning is a great option because it makes such a difference to our surroundings. I've been doing the same thing. It's like cleaning and purging my home is part of getting the chaos that has built up over the years under control.
Hang in there. You will get through this.

[Sake123]

Husband left.... Need some help

Looking for Peace - I just wanted to say hello and tell you that I'm proud of your decisions. Crying can really help at times (when it's not during a drunken stupor). It's good for us to let our emotions flow. I think alcohol keeps a lot of that suppressed...unless provoked and then it comes out as an ugly string of "crazy". LOL! And as someone else said, I agree that you should be doing this for YOU and your son...but not for him. The best revenge is living well. Use that as your motivation, if it helps but this is a gift to you from you. All the best!!

[3June2013]

Husband left.... Need some help

LFPeace you're doing great! I love your plan to tackle an unfinished project when bored. My worst demon is boredom so I will adopt your plan! We will be so organized in no time! Thank you!

[Lavande]

Husband left.... Need some help

Peace,
I'm glad to see you again but very sorry about your situation
It's hard to understand this right now but everything is going to be OK :l

My chronically depressed husband left our 37 year marriage without as much as a word. I had been AF over a year & was feeling pretty good & wanting to go places & do things - he didn't. I'm pretty sure he couldn't stand seeing me happy, that's sad.
Chronic depression is a bitch

I'm OK, better than OK 3 1/2 years later. I spend time with happy, positive people like my kids & grandkids. I go to the gym several times/week & stay in touch with old work friends. Things are different than I had expected but not bad.

You will be OK! Stick around so we know how you are doing!
Be well!

Lav

[MossRose]

Husband left.... Need some help

Peace - I am so sorry to hear your story. I know how badly you are hurting, and am so proud of you for staying strong. When I was 52, my ex also claimed he "just wasn't happy." Unfortunately, I learned he just wasn't happy with me. He had my replacement already lined up. That was 2 years ago, and my drinking escalated out of control after that. I almost drank myself to death before joining MWO. When I finally decided to heal my life, I did it for me. Just like you need to do this for you.

But because I have been in your shoes, I am going to share something with you. I probably shouldn't, but...

Last month I saw my ex for the first time in over a year. Last time he saw me, I was a wreck - drinking heavily, never sleeping, defeated - and it showed. Now, I'm sober, healthy and finally moving past the trauma. He told me twice how good I looked. I couldn't help but think how awful he looked. It's obvious that he's miserable in his life. It didn't make me happy to see him like that, but it sure reinforced all the reasons I am staying AF and moving forward in my life. Two years ago, I couldn't imagine a life without him in it, and I couldn't image a life without AL. Now I have both, and frankly, I am at peace. Sending hugs and love. Cry when you need to, and let us know how you are doing.

And love the junk drawer idea. Mine are overflowing.