Husband left.... Need some help

[mimi911]

Husband left.... Need some help

Wow, so glad to read your posts. Just what I needed.
Here's my story:
After being married for 21 years my husband had an affair. Long story short...I started drinking.
We are now about 6 weeks short of our 30th anniversary and I can't say we are going to make it.

The history of our marriage is that he is a great provider but we have no real relationship. We don't carry on the day to day conversations, we have nothing in common and live separate lives, not because I want to but because that is just him. As long as I act happy, keep the house clean, laundry done etc that is fine with him. He does not want to hear that I am unhappy because then he thinks that I am just ungrateful and nothing he does will never make me happy. What I can't get him to understand is that it is not "things" that make a person happy but a real relationship.

So a few weeks ago I drank too much and in the morning I apologized but I also shut down. He's mad and has a right to be. But somehow I stopped talking to him. I don't have the energy to put into my marriage and stay sober.

I wish I could explain what is going on because I am at a loss as to what to do and where to go from here.

[looking for peace]

Husband left.... Need some help

Thanks for your kind words... Mimi, I really feel for your situation. Its seems tougher when you are older or when a marriage is a long one.

In retrospect my husbands leaving has probably been one of the best things to happen to me at this time. Up until he left, I had been toying with abstinence and moderation for over a decade, with failing moderation winning most of the time. A few days off lead to trying to have just a couple (which only worked 1 in 100 times). Which lead to a bottle or 2 of wine a night for a week or 2 and then the whole cycle stared all over again.

Since he left over a month ago, I had 2 bad days and the rest I have been sober. I can feel the pain and it comes and goes. I learned though that I can handle it. I can take care of myself and my son through this. I have learned to do things to help myself grow, as opposed to occupying all my spare time with the obsession of drinking. That doesn't necessarily mean drinking all the time, but being preoccupied by the whole business of drinking or trying not to drink.

Maybe you can use some time apart, it may help you with the drinking as well as help you find yourself after 30 years of doing for others. I'll be sending you prayers!

[Sake123]

Husband left.... Need some help

Peace - I just had to chime in. What you wrote and how you are feeling is really amazing. You're taking a tough situation and seeing the good out of it. You are able to grow and stay sober through it and that says a lot! I'm really proud of you...I may not know you personally but over the last few weeks, it really seems that you're taking the bull by the horns, so to speak. You're taking the high road. Just remember the view from up there will be fantastic, although the hills may be tough to climb! Anyway - just wanted to say hello really quick and throw in my 2 cents.

[mimi911]

Husband left.... Need some help

The thought of never having wine again just doesn't seem possible.
My husband is going hunting next week and I can't think of any reason I souldn't get a bottle of wine. I won't hide it from him but I won't drink around him either.

You can see where my frame of mind is. I feel like the only way I won't drink is to lock myself in the house and not have a social life.

I don't know what to do. However, tonight I am not drinking and just fine with that.

[looking for peace]

Husband left.... Need some help

Thanks Sake for your kind words

Mimi, Have you ever read "Kick the Drink"? There is a whole section in it about his definition of addiction. The author says that if the thought of never being able to have "it" again, whatever "it" is puts fear in you, then you are addicted. So he knows where you are coming from.... Maybe his message will resonate. I hope that helps.

I did have a trigger moment yesterday that I got through thankfully. I took my son to our usual Tuesday after speech therapy restaurant for dinner. The bar area in this restaurant has a great atmosphere and my son loves eating there. I have avoided it for a month.

At first I noticed all the lovely wine glasses filled with red and white wines (half price happy hour drinks, by the way). It took about 2 minutes to get my water and order food and then I totally settled in and didn't miss drinking. I thought it through to the end. What would have happened if I tried to have just one chilled glass of white wine? I would have ordered one and obsessed about could I have a second glass? When is a long enough time to wait to ask for a refill so I don't seem like a lush? I would have paid very little real attention to my son or my food. I would have then obsessed about going to the liquor store next door and buying a half to full bottle of wine, drank it when I got home and passed out with a hangover, shame and regret in the morning. My wallet would have been about $25 lighter. Not worth it.

I'm glad I challenged myself. I am ready to move to the next level of being around booze and overcoming it.

Although I think the message in Kick the Drink is a good one, I don't agree with putting yourself in tempting situations right awau when quitting. I think protecting yourself from temptation at first is important. I plan to slowly take on one situation at a time.

[looking for peace]

Husband left.... Need some help

Just checking in responding to my post for accountability. I'm doing ok with not drinking, but it is Friday night. I'm pretty lonely and don't feel like doing anything to distract me from thoughts of drinking. Probably not a good idea. I usually start clearing out stuff and straightening up this time of night to distract me. I may watch a movie. The weekends can be really long. Ho hum...

[scottish lass]

Husband left.... Need some help

Hi LFP - I have just come back to MWO, and saw your thread today. I am in the process of divorce after 18 years of marriage and 24 years together and 2 fabulous girls. I ended up leaving him, but it still stinks. I left almost 3 years ago and still trying to work it all out. My girls are affected the most - one has ADHD - not the same as autism for sure, but it messed her up. I am trying hard to keep sober for their sake, but like you he does trigger me to drink....hate that he has the power to make me screw things up that way...and when I realise that I am giving him that hold over me, makes me stronger to kick this....
It is tough being lonely, and wondering what could be...
Ho hmmm indeed, let's not let them make us feel horrid in the morning!!!!:l:l

[looking for peace]

Husband left.... Need some help

I relapsed for 2 nights. The trigger was my husband. I texted him to ask him to take care of our son next weekend so that I can visit my parents. He was really angry that I texted and told me texting was just for emergencies. That made me so angry.... It lead to drinking a bottle of wine on both Saturday and Sunday..... Which lead to a series of angry emails about selling the house, losing mutual friends, etc , etc..... Ugh! 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

I'm so upset today and nervous about what my husband will do next. He has already signed a lease for an apartment. I feel like I'm ok Monday thru Friday and then the weekends are awful. I'm lonely, hopeless, feel abandoned. Drinking blots that out for a couple of hours and on Monday the devastation of what I have done as a result of drinking, is too awful to bear.

Back on day one.

[Sake123]

Husband left.... Need some help

Hi Peace - I really don't know what divorce is like...I can only imagine it being horrible, lonely and sad. But I also assume that if two people are miserable together that sometimes it's the best option. And as we know, the phoenix rises from the ashes! Change is powerful and SO HARD!!! But I know beyond reasonable doubt that you worth the effort, pain and tears!

So weekends are not a strong time for you. It sounds like (in my humble opinion) that activities and new pastimes are needed for the weekends. Maybe make your weekend plans right now. Movies you've been wanting to see. Home projects you want to complete. Visit friends...hangout..play cards, board games or whatever. Find things that you can do with your kids. Wear yourself out! Don't know what area you're in but maybe so lowland hikes. This time of year is beautiful and fresh air is highly underrated.

In any case, the good news is you're aware that weekends are a big trigger for you. Fill your empty time with plans/goals/fun activities. Anything to keep you from that empty and lonely place that leads you to the bottle.

I remember being affected by your initial posts...you strike me as a wise and grounded person. I hope that you find your strength in all of this. Tell and convince yourself that weekend slips are no longer allowed. Make it through the weekend and you'll feel stronger! We can do this!!!