Hello, I am writing on here because I truely feel horrible for what I did and cannot explain to anybody else as I get the chills just thinking about writing it:upset:. Lets get on to what happened. About a year and a half ago I decided to go up to a friend of mines second house, with 3 guys and 3 girls. I did not think much of the girls because one of them had a boyfriend that was with us, and one of them was seeing a guy. I thought that this was no problem because the two other girls knew I had a girlfriend. I decided it was the end of school and I felt like I needed a mini vacation. So to the best of my knowledge I thought that there were four guys going up and three girls, but before we went to the second house, my so called friend who invited me told me that the fourth guy friend was not going. We arrived at the second house fairly early in the morning and started to drink to celebrate being off of school. Drinking went on throughout the day and there were no warning signs that one of the girls could be trying to make me do something that I would regret. After a long day of drinking and barely any food, the day seemed to be going well. That was until the night came around, and everyone there was beyond drunk. I had gone over the edge and drank the most that I had ever in my life.
It was my birthday the next morning and I was going crazy telling everyone that it was my birthday (stupid drunk). One of my friends was getting a lap dance from his girlfriend and me and from what I remember me and my so called guy "friends" were playing cards. Then all of the sudden my guy friend tells one of the girls that it was my birthday the next morning and that she should give me a lap dance because it was going to be my birthday the next day. Needless to say, I ended up getting a dance from this girl for one song and everybody watched.After the dance I ended up going to the bed to crash, and everyone slept in the same room. The girl was in the room and had slept beside me on the floor and everyone except for the couple that was there had slept on the floor in a row. I know for sure that I did not kiss or have sex at all with this girl, but I still felt guilty. I knew that this girl was sort of seeing a guy at the time so their were no warning signs that came up as I was going to my friends house. I tried to alleviate the pain that I felt for doing this by trying to convince myself that it was nothing and that I was super drunk and that everyone does things that they regret when they are drunk. I was really stupid and immature, and decided that I was not going to tell my girlfriend and act as if everything was fine. We talked in the morning and I think it was agreed that everything got a bit out of hand.
After that day, I tried to act as if nothing happened and wanted to forget about it, and just remember the good parts of the day. I tried to forgive my friend of suggesting the dance in the first place.
Two weeks go by and my friend decides to have a party. Stupid me. I went thinking that the girl was not going to be there and that none of this was going to reoccur. I got super drunk again and ended up going to another friends house where he said I could stay for the night. The girl ended up coming to the friends house once again. I ended up falling asleep on a bed in his basement and she slept on the other side of the bed. I have no reason to lie on this forum, so I am being serious when I say that I did not do anything with the girl that night, but I knew that I had hit rock bottom. As soon as I woke up I bolted out of the guys house and went home. This was the crushing point. What was wrong with me. Why I did not pull myself together to leave that bed I have no clue, but I did have the decency not to kiss her or have sex. I knew from that point on that I never wanted to see this girl at any parties, or anywhere for that matter.
Fast forward a couple months, I started to feel really guilty and the only way to relieve my guilt from me was to try and break up with my girlfriend who I truely did love to try and end this thing for good and protect her from what had been done. It was the stupidest mistake in my life as I could not do it, and after a few days I could not be without her and did not want to be without my girlfriend. I decided I need her in my life and wanted her to come back.
After the new school year started, I became depressed and felt horrible about myself that I did not tell my girlfriend initially. This lead me to be staying up long nights thinking about what I had done wrong. I kept saying to myself that I could not have done that and that it did not happen. This occurrence was on and off for months, until i finally tried to forgive myself in march of this year.
I subconsciously felt guilty about what I had done, but was able to get through my days and try not to have it on my mind.
That brings me to now when one of the guys who was there at the scene of the crime, reminds me of what happened. Bringing up the bad memories, has made me feel more guilty than I did ever before. Over the last week or so I have not been able to get to sleep, all I am doing is thinking about it and crying. I feel like shit and have not been eating as I should. I feel terrible that the girl I'm in love with does not know, and I feel like I cannot live with myself. I have taken into account that if I do tell her, she will have a hard time dealing with it and may break up with me, which would be the worst thing in the world, even worse would be that I disappointed her. I try to carry the guilt and except the fact that it happened, it is very hard. But somewhere in me tells me that she could forgive me and that we could go on and have a healthy relationship as this is what happened to my parents when they were in high school.
The scenarios that are running through my head are killing me, as I don't think that I would be able to go on without my girlfriend. But down the line I feel like it would only get worse f I were not to tell her. I don't think I can live with myself if I hold this in any longer as it is eating me alive knowing that I made this stupid mistake.
She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel like I could not live without her. I feel like I have learned from these mistakes that I made that summer and have been trying to treat my girlfriend better. I feel like our love has grown stronger and stronger and I love her more and more, as each day passes. This is the worst for me. Since that summer I have not done anything that my girlfriend would not want me to do. I can truly say that this experience has been a major eye opener to me about life in general. i have been hanging out only with the friends that I know I can trust. I know that this will not happen again. I love my girlfriend too much to let it happen again. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't stand her not knowing the truth. I try to comfort myself by saying that I never kissed or had sex with the girl, but getting a lap dance and sleeping on the same bed was bad enough. I feel guilt all the time and there is not a damn day where I don't regret doing what I did.
I think I know what I should do, but I would like advice from some people to reassure myself, that this is the right thing to do. Thank you for reading this post.
It was my birthday the next morning and I was going crazy telling everyone that it was my birthday (stupid drunk). One of my friends was getting a lap dance from his girlfriend and me and from what I remember me and my so called guy "friends" were playing cards. Then all of the sudden my guy friend tells one of the girls that it was my birthday the next morning and that she should give me a lap dance because it was going to be my birthday the next day. Needless to say, I ended up getting a dance from this girl for one song and everybody watched.After the dance I ended up going to the bed to crash, and everyone slept in the same room. The girl was in the room and had slept beside me on the floor and everyone except for the couple that was there had slept on the floor in a row. I know for sure that I did not kiss or have sex at all with this girl, but I still felt guilty. I knew that this girl was sort of seeing a guy at the time so their were no warning signs that came up as I was going to my friends house. I tried to alleviate the pain that I felt for doing this by trying to convince myself that it was nothing and that I was super drunk and that everyone does things that they regret when they are drunk. I was really stupid and immature, and decided that I was not going to tell my girlfriend and act as if everything was fine. We talked in the morning and I think it was agreed that everything got a bit out of hand.
After that day, I tried to act as if nothing happened and wanted to forget about it, and just remember the good parts of the day. I tried to forgive my friend of suggesting the dance in the first place.
Two weeks go by and my friend decides to have a party. Stupid me. I went thinking that the girl was not going to be there and that none of this was going to reoccur. I got super drunk again and ended up going to another friends house where he said I could stay for the night. The girl ended up coming to the friends house once again. I ended up falling asleep on a bed in his basement and she slept on the other side of the bed. I have no reason to lie on this forum, so I am being serious when I say that I did not do anything with the girl that night, but I knew that I had hit rock bottom. As soon as I woke up I bolted out of the guys house and went home. This was the crushing point. What was wrong with me. Why I did not pull myself together to leave that bed I have no clue, but I did have the decency not to kiss her or have sex. I knew from that point on that I never wanted to see this girl at any parties, or anywhere for that matter.
Fast forward a couple months, I started to feel really guilty and the only way to relieve my guilt from me was to try and break up with my girlfriend who I truely did love to try and end this thing for good and protect her from what had been done. It was the stupidest mistake in my life as I could not do it, and after a few days I could not be without her and did not want to be without my girlfriend. I decided I need her in my life and wanted her to come back.
After the new school year started, I became depressed and felt horrible about myself that I did not tell my girlfriend initially. This lead me to be staying up long nights thinking about what I had done wrong. I kept saying to myself that I could not have done that and that it did not happen. This occurrence was on and off for months, until i finally tried to forgive myself in march of this year.
I subconsciously felt guilty about what I had done, but was able to get through my days and try not to have it on my mind.
That brings me to now when one of the guys who was there at the scene of the crime, reminds me of what happened. Bringing up the bad memories, has made me feel more guilty than I did ever before. Over the last week or so I have not been able to get to sleep, all I am doing is thinking about it and crying. I feel like shit and have not been eating as I should. I feel terrible that the girl I'm in love with does not know, and I feel like I cannot live with myself. I have taken into account that if I do tell her, she will have a hard time dealing with it and may break up with me, which would be the worst thing in the world, even worse would be that I disappointed her. I try to carry the guilt and except the fact that it happened, it is very hard. But somewhere in me tells me that she could forgive me and that we could go on and have a healthy relationship as this is what happened to my parents when they were in high school.
The scenarios that are running through my head are killing me, as I don't think that I would be able to go on without my girlfriend. But down the line I feel like it would only get worse f I were not to tell her. I don't think I can live with myself if I hold this in any longer as it is eating me alive knowing that I made this stupid mistake.
She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel like I could not live without her. I feel like I have learned from these mistakes that I made that summer and have been trying to treat my girlfriend better. I feel like our love has grown stronger and stronger and I love her more and more, as each day passes. This is the worst for me. Since that summer I have not done anything that my girlfriend would not want me to do. I can truly say that this experience has been a major eye opener to me about life in general. i have been hanging out only with the friends that I know I can trust. I know that this will not happen again. I love my girlfriend too much to let it happen again. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't stand her not knowing the truth. I try to comfort myself by saying that I never kissed or had sex with the girl, but getting a lap dance and sleeping on the same bed was bad enough. I feel guilt all the time and there is not a damn day where I don't regret doing what I did.
I think I know what I should do, but I would like advice from some people to reassure myself, that this is the right thing to do. Thank you for reading this post.
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