Now flash forward to this year's Christmas party. I was not planning on attending given what happened last year, even though the co-worker I made out with no longer works with me. All of my colleagues were asking if I was going and at first I kept saying no, then got convinced that I would be fine this time since that guy wasn't going to be there and I intended on pacing myself on drinks. (Also my boyfriend doesn't attend these with me due to conflicts with his work schedule, I don't intentionally not bring him).
Anyway, I blacked out AGAIN and somehow ended up making out with and getting fingered by a guy that showed up at the party with his male friend that I work with. I vaguely know him as acquaintances but I know he is also in a committed relationship. I have absolutely no idea how we ended up alone together in the first place. All I can ask myself is WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me? This has only ever happened at these company Christmas parties. I've blacked out in other places, at bars, around attractive men and have never done anything like this. I know because in these instances I have the partial flashes of memory and also, I'm always around friends or my boyfriend and would be told if I did anything questionable.
I am riddled with overwhelming guilt but I know that person was not me! I am not sure if I should say anything to my boyfriend this time since it's the second occurrence... I don't know what telling him will benefit because he is innocent and telling him will make him feel that he did something wrong and it was all my fault. I don't want to put all the blame on alcohol because it technically was me doing it but I never would in the right mind!!! We are moving in together in about a month, obviously I love him and want to be with him. I feel bad for the guy I cheated with's girlfriend as well. I have no idea if he told her, haven't talked to him and don't want to! Alcohol caused this but I'm so upset that I just want to drink and take the edge off. I am so ashamed of my actions! :upset: I'm feeling so guilty and sick, it's taking me ages to post this after writing it, even knowing I won't be judged here.
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