Stuck

[Trying To Be Happy]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading this forum for a few years now, lurking and enjoying your successes, and reading stories and trying to convince myself I can beat this.

I drink 3 litres of wine easily a night. I am tall, overweight, have been depressed for some time (it is better but not great) and I don't know what to do. I know I need to stop drinking, I think probably abstain, at least for a long period of time, if not forever. I read all your good advice about eating well, exercising, looking after yourself, I think I may have a stomach ulcer, so should go to the doctor. I want to stop drinking and have children if I can (I am 37) and keep promising myself I will do this but not following through. I have a long term partner who drinks less that me, but we make deals with each other to stop and most of the time one of us pushes the other over the line. I think about equally, if I am honest (my inclination was to say him more than me, but really, we are both to blame). He is slim and a smoker, I am not either of those things.

I want to lose weight, sort out my health, have kids if possible, and live my life. I hate how alcohol stops me from being productive, healthy, and having fun. There are no obvious outward signs of a problem, but there are plenty of internal problems or symptoms caused by this. How do you find your motivation when there isn't an obvious rock bottom?

Thank you in advance for any suggestions you will undoubtedly have, and for all of you out there doing so well, congratulations. You have my utmost admiration

[Pinecone]

Stuck

Hi Trying and welcome! I want to send you some support. I really relate to a lot in your post, especially about the sense of lacking a rock bottom. At least for me, that was my hang up too because I was a great employee, and didn't have outward signs of a real drinking problem. I was very sad about my life though. The conflict between who we are drinking and who we know we are meant to be can be rock bottom of we want it to. We can just choose to give that up and search out the better life we are meant to live. This place will give you both TOOLS and SUPPORT which are crucial. If you use the help here, you can really get off alcohol. I have never, ever, ever read of a person here who regretted quitting. Glad you found us!

[mama bear]

Stuck

Well said Molly and Pinecone
Trying I did not develop a drinking problem until later in life and I already had my two precious sons.
Now they help keep me sober and focused....think on that for a little bit, ok??
Wishing you strength and support and you may want to post in the Newbie's Nest and meet some new peeps

[meshellrn]

Stuck

Hi Molly,

I was drinking a liter of wine in 2 nights myself. I have been on here and made it alomost to 21 days. then that alcholic brain tricked myself into having just a little glass. Not!!! so i have actually joined AA and come to this great website. you can do it to. Welcome

Meshellrn

[Trying To Be Happy]

Stuck

Pinecone;1660623 wrote: Hi Trying and welcome! I want to send you some support. I really relate to a lot in your post, especially about the sense of lacking a rock bottom. At least for me, that was my hang up too because I was a great employee, and didn't have outward signs of a real drinking problem. I was very sad about my life though. The conflict between who we are drinking and who we know we are meant to be can be rock bottom of we want it to. We can just choose to give that up and search out the better life we are meant to live. This place will give you both TOOLS and SUPPORT which are crucial. If you use the help here, you can really get off alcohol. I have never, ever, ever read of a person here who regretted quitting. Glad you found us!

Hi Pinecone,

You are right, rock bottom does not have to constitute outward external crisis mode, if that makes sense. It can just be that I know I am not living the life I have the potential or desire for. I very much feel that way. And if I am honest, even though I am not driving drunk or losing my job, I know people around me that care about me are concerned. I will try and think of it more in these terms. I do know I want to change and have done for a long time (hence me lurking for some time).

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[Trying To Be Happy]

Stuck

mollyka;1660629 wrote: Hiya --- and good to see you here -- your name says it all 'trying to be happy' ---- well --- I'm just wondering what constitutes a rock bottom in your world? You drink 3 litres of wine a night --- that's an astounding amount of alcohol --- the damage that that certainly will incur if it hasn't already??? The fact that you'd like children - but due to alcohol you find yourself 37 still 'thinking' about it...... - you want to be 'productive healthy and having fun' so I have to presume you are achieving none of them --- seriously -- you must look at all those facts and try and see objectively WHAT a waste of a lovely young life all down to alcohol?? That's a very rocky rock bottom in my book --- we don't need DUI's or job losses or family or home losses to hit a black place.... they will come -- undoubtedly -- but try and see how your life is just drifting past you --- and all because of a toxin in a bottle...... that's the reality -- I'm sorry if it's harsh -- but well --- from one who WOULDN'T and COULDN'T see things as they were --- I would love if you could right now ---
Molly:l

Hi mollyka,

Thank you for being frank and honest (I don't think harsh is totally fair, you are trying to help me and you are right about all of it). The amount of alcohol: it is a crazy amount and I put that on here to be completely upfront. It is a long term tolerance that has built up over a number of years. I am also tall and overweight, hence higher tolerance, but that is not to excuse it - just to put it in context. In terms of life passing me by, yes, agree totally. I just spent a number of years stuck in a very bad work situation and trying to finish a PhD, which I finally did last year, and was in a bad place mentally for a number of years, hence me wanting but not managing to address this before now. Again, no excuses, just context. I realise I may have left it too late for kids, but a year ago I was contemplating suicide, so did not think having kids was a good plan right then.

Productive, healthy and having fun - yes, you are right, achieving little of each. Adverse affects to my health are not acute but do exist, and are not limited to being overweight which is more alcohol than food related. Productive - I get some stuff done but know I am capable of a lot more and I have been avoiding the most rewarding work, probably from fear of failure. Having fun - I think that's how I fell down this hole in the first place. I need to rediscover how to do that.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, and for your comments. That is why I wrote here - thank you.

[available]

Stuck

Hi Trying and welcome. Some very true comments above. I did not hit my rock bottom but felt my life slowly unravelling and started to back away from my children and life in general. that to me was a wake up call of what am i doing? i was hiding in a bottle and really just waiting for al to eventually kill me. 2 bottle a night drinker, 7 days a week and i thought i did not have a problem! mmm funny how logical we can be with regards to al. Only you can change your life but you can change it here with an amazing bunch of people who are dedicated to helping newbies like we were helped in our early days. We did not get to where we are without being on mwo religiously and posting and reading and being determined daily not to drink and saying no to that al brain that entices us.

Head over the newbies nest and settle in and make yourself known. We are all here to help you and not to judge you. Without mwo i would be where you are now, i was where you are now but not anymore, thank god for that.

[Trying To Be Happy]

Stuck

Hi mama bear,

Thanks for your reply. Parents like you who mention the inspiration/motivation they get from their children really resonate with me. I am glad you have your sons. This is also what motivates me now: if I am lucky enough to become a parent, I keep assuming that will keep me away from alcohol because I want to be a good parent and would not put my children in danger (I don't think I would from this vantage point) but how can I guarantee that? Obviously I can't. I need to be sure I have this under some kind of control before I go there. Hence me posting.

Thank you for your kind reply.

[NoSugar]

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Hi, Happy and Welcome!

Links to the toolbox and the Newbies Nest are given below. They are great places to get going on what really can be an excellent adventure!

[SoberSoul]

Stuck

Welcome Trying, you certainly have to be proud of the fact that you came out from the shadows and started posting. You are well ahead of most problem drinkers in that you know you have a problem. You should be congratulating yourself for having the presence of mind and the intelligence to decide that life needs to change and that you need support in order to enact that change.

I have had many stops and starts in my journey to kick alcohol to the curb and I always hope that others learn from my experience and give it up on their first try. I wish that for you.

Because of the quantity of your intake, you may want to get some advice about tapering rather than going cold turkey. I hope someone chimes in here to throw in their two cents as I am a light weight (4' 11" & 120 lbs) and drank accordingly so I didn't have to taper. Not sure what the professionals say about that.

Anyway, welcome and congratulations on the best, most rewarding decision you will ever make. It will take a lot of hard work but if you can beat this you can accomplish ANYTHING... So stick around and give it your best shot. xoxo

[j-vo]

Stuck

Your rock bottom is living a life that is not what you believe to be a happy and productive life. Take alcohol out of the equation completely and see how you feel. Give it at least a month, then see the difference in yourself and your energy levels. The difference is amazing. Check in with us at the Newbie's Nest where a lot of support is given by all.

[Trying To Be Happy]

Stuck

Formulating a plan

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your kind comments. I think the suggestion of going for a month without alcohol and reevaluating is a good place to start. Trying to reduce gradually hasn't worked before and I think I need firm resolve. I do know I am a control freak, and think that if I can get through a tough patch of withdrawing I will start to enjoy the control I used to have in my life, both when I was an abstainer and when I had it much more under control (a couple of drinks every few weeks rather than every night).

I was thinking of starting today but realise that a really big part of me not staying on the wagon is my partner. I don't think he is trying to sabotage me (maybe unconsciously he is) - he is stuck in the same rut I am. We resolve over and over again and then one of us caves, and the other says, okay, tomorrow then. But really tomorrow. And it doesn't happen. I have not drunk when he has, and he has when I have not. It's not impossible. But I think I need to seize the opportunity of next week - he is away for five days for work. If he is drinking next week, he will restrain himself because of work, but regardless, that is not my priority. Last time he went away for three days I managed, and only caved when he got home and I missed him, so had a glass of wine on his return (we trigger each other). The night he gets home I have to go out to a show, and should be able to not drink (just one night, after all, and hopefully I will have some momentum going). We'll see. I'll go over the newbies nest and start reading and posting.

I guess the other thing I should reply to is the point about tapering. I agree - I know from past attempts that I end up shaky and sweaty and find it hard to sleep, but don't have DTs or heart symptoms or anything. I have started a dialogue with my doctor and will talk to her too. I have MWO supplements I bought last year and will go back to the CDs too - they made me feel more calm.

I appreciate the non-judgmental truth-telling I have seen in this forum in the past, and thank you for offering it to me while I am trying to work out how to get through this. Your support and virtual love/hugs is very welcome and I hope now I have finally got on here I can get through it like you all. Good luck to all of you xo

[Trying To Be Happy]

Stuck

correction

I have not drunk when he has, and he has not drunk when I have been drinking.

Sorry, made it sound like he drinks all the time - he does have moments of success on his own, as do I. Not enough though, obviously!

Also, I need to divorce my behaviour from his. He may never get his under control - I can't make choices for him. It will be easier for him though if I can get it under control. If I can and he can't, then we need to discuss things more seriously.

Thanks again for the non-judgmental advice and support. I know I will have shocked some of you but know nowhere else I felt safe admitting the extent of my problem :l :thanks:

Trying to be Happy

[NoSugar]

Stuck

You are approaching this in such a calm, honest, and thoughtful manner, there is no reason to think that you can't do it. Make your plan and go for it! All the best, NS

[Trying To Be Happy]

Stuck

Thank you, No Sugar, that is so kind of you to say. I do find this really hard - for years I have been rationally and logically telling myself why and how I need to change, but have still not managed it. I still think starting while my partner is away is a good step (honestly, I could start earlier because he has an early flight on Monday and is good at not indulging under those circumstances). On the one hand I think it is another excuse to postpone, but realistically, he goes away alone rarely. If I go to stay with others away from him I can moderate my drinking (appearances sake) but come home a bit desperate for the space with my non-judging partner to let loose a little, because it has become such a habit. In my own home, alone, I am a bit scared of what would happen if I went to bed passed out and then had a home invasion, fire etc. without someone to wake me (my partner struggles to wake me, as you can imagine). It feels dangerous to me to drink like this alone - it is dangerous to drink like I do with him here but somehow feels safer?

Anyway, I will work with this plan. I am also giving myself a couple of days to organise supplements, CDs onto my iPod and do some work. I had to appeal to a relative in my field to meet with me to give me an external work deadline - I am currently underemployed. I work as a tutor and research assistant when I have worked before as a full academic - a reason I need to get my publishing going to hopefully get a job in an increasingly tough higher education job market. My relative is an excellent mentor and I moved with my partner to be near him to help me deal with my issues. We have worked well together before, and if I can't meet him sober and with some work in the next few days, I need to seek more help. I am not ruling out counselling. I am also drinking less this evening so I can get the work together for him. Off to bed very soon. Thank you! xoxo