A Very Difficult Two Weeks

[BlueSong]

Hello all... I went a couple weeks without reading anything on here and things got a lot worse for me. I'm very depressed. I found out two weeks ago that my husband of five years has been seeing a woman for the past year and telling her he loved her, would leave me for her, etc! I suspected something before but he covered it up so well and is a brilliant liar! On our anniversary trip last year I found a text message from her but he said she was "just a friend" and I shouldn't be so suspicious. He actually yelled at me and made me feel guilty for not trusting him. When I came across an email from her two weeks ago he still denied it until I asked her and she told me everything. He told her I was an alcoholic who couldn't have children (which is a lie, regarding having children at least). I was shocked he not only cheated but he talked bad about me. Our marriage seemed happy for the most part, and he said he was okay with my drinking as long as I do it in the open (for a long time I used to hide it) which made things better. I told him many times I am afraid for my health since I drink nearly every day and I really have the desire to change.

We took many trips this year together including London, I really had no idea something this extreme was going on. I feel so betrayed and I feel everything has been a lie. He broke it off with her but I feel very paranoid it could happen in the future, there's no more trust and I don't even feel like the same person anymore.

The first day I found out I was shaking so much that I couldn't drink, even though I had drinks in our home. I actually thought this could be my wake up call, to take control of my life. But slowly as the shock has diminished I have returned to drinking and not just in the evening anymore, I'm starting in the day and I can barely eat. I know this isn't solving any problems and this is just my crutch. I don't know how to get out of the cycle of treating my stress with drinking. I just feel for now it's the only thing that's comforting me...

[bkyogagurl]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Blue-

I almost bawled reading your post... Please stay close here even if you are drinking and post freely about your feelings. We can only help if we know what is going on...
I am also just a PM away.. But find when you post openly- there are more people to support you.

Take care of you... And remember to love yourself.

[j-vo]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such an awful time right now Blue Song. Is there anyone you can talk to about this - a sister, a close friend, or maybe even a counselor? Do you feel as though counseling would heal the wounds of your relationship?

I do think that drinking needs to be taken out of your life so you can begin to feel better about yourself. While you're still drinking, life's difficulties are magnified 1,000x. A good amount of time away from alcohol will enable to you think clearly about your situation. Thoughts your way.

[available]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Blue welcome.

I found out 5 years ago my partner was screwing around on me and nearly had a nervous breakdown and thought that drinking would help (throw in not eating also) and believe me it made me more erratic in a time i needed to be together. I went to the drs and started to see a psychologist and went on ad's. Please dont drown your sorrows in a glass, if you want to be with your husband this is going to do nothing to heal the relationship if this is what you want.

Take care and please go and see your doctor. I certainly do not recommend nervous breakdowns to anyone and I wish i had of gotten help sooner. Thank god i had my children to show me that i was heading to a dangerous place, mentally.

[Booze Blues]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Dear Blue Song,
I?m so sorry to hear about your situation. You really need to talk to someone, you need someone at your side but most of all you need a clear head. Try to not drink, get away and please try to eat something. When you get a Little distance from the situation only you can decide the best way to proceed. Emotions often cloud our thought process but mixed with booze you are completely blind. Try to get out, I like to go to the beach or the forest to find peace. Drive, Walk or run till you have found some peace. Breath, I don?t know why breathing helps but it does and then try to rest and then finally you might gain some clarity. We are here post, vent and post!

[frances]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Blue Song I am so sorry about your situation. You yourself said about your drinking

I know this isn't solving any problems and this is just my crutch.

This is so true. It certainly isn't solving your problems and isn't helping them either. What everyone has said here and more...if you don't drink you will be able to face this clearly - seeing a doctor and going to counseling as Ava said could be very helpful. Stay around and read and post - as you can see already - you are not alone!

[little beagle]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

No you are not alone. That is a terrible feeling, being betrayed and a having another woman tell you. As I have learned alcohol really does make a bad situation worse. Don't cut yourself off from friends who can help you feel better. Stay close and post your frustrations instead.

[mama bear]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Oh Blues....how horrible. I am so sorry for the agony you must be going through. You already drinking will not help.
It may aggravate depression and lead you to some very dark places.
Come join us in the "One Step at a Time" thread if you want to hang out. We are very close and are ALWAYS there for each other...texting, calling, etc

[MossRose]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Hi Blue - I just wrote a novel to you, but lost it when the site timed out, so I'll try to make it briefer this time, but no promises.

I am so sorry to read your story. I totally understand how you feel. My ex-husband decided to cheat on me after almost two decades of marriage. I found out by reading an email, and then verified it with his "friend." Very painful. I know how you feel right this minute. Your universe is upside-down. Your heart feels like it's been put through a blender. You just want to escape the betrayal and the pain. We'll get to the "why you shouldn't drink" in a minute, but first I just want to validate some of what you are feeling. To those who have never been there, this may sound like I'm being negative, but Blue, if you are anything like me, I desperately wanted to talk to someone in those first few weeks who really understood my pain. I hope I'm on target here, and not making you feel worse.

First, when he yelled you for questioning him - that's called gas lighting - and in some ways it's worse than the cheating. Talking you down to her (which I know is the most painful part - your best-friend has stabbed you in the back) was his way of "villainizing" you so that he could continue doing what he was doing without feeling guilt. It's standard cheater behavior. (Compartmentalizing) I know right now, you can't wrap your mind around this. But promise me, Blue - you won't let this make you feel "less-than." That's why I dove into a bottle. After I found out, I just felt "less-than" in every possible way. Now, I don't, but back then...well, you know what I'm talking about. Please, try to resist that kind of thinking. It's unhealthy.

Please lean on us instead. Understand that you did nothing wrong (even if he says you did or tries to blame-shift this onto you. There were many other ways he could have dealt with his unhappiness.) Cheating is all about a sense of entitlement...nothing more, nothing less. You are a good person, who deserves to be treated with respect - and to TREAT YOURSELF with respect.

This is "infidelity advice" more than no-AL advice - keep eating, keep eating keep eating. I lost 25 pounds in a few months. On the infidelity boards, it is darkly known as the "infidelity diet." It's the opposite of what you need to do if you are trying to give up AL. Which I must say - it won't help if you keep drinking. You will only spiral downward. You have been hurt enough. Don't continue to hurt yourself the way I did.

Here are two links that may help: SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity. These people have all been there and can provide a great deal of support. This is a pro-reconciliation board. This is another blog I follow: Chump Lady Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life. Warning - she is extremely anti-reconciliation but has a huge following. I made a lot of friends on both sites.

Sorry to ramble, but this subject is dear to my heart. So are you! Wishing you the very best. PM any time if you want to talk.

xx
MR

[scottish lass]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

BS - I left my husband of 17 years about 4 years ago when I found a series of emails telling his high school sweetheart about his new love -not me! I also found a series of emails from previously to his HS sweetheart about loving her too - sadly I was not aware, in retrospect I should have been, and I feel there were probably more.
I am now happy, hope to be divorced by the end of the year - I am stronger and I am content - it has taken me 4 years to get to this place, and not drinking is huge. I am making my own life for me and my two girls. He is now with yet another girlfriend, and can't make anything last. I have come out the winner - and, yes it was incredibly hard. Not what I dreamed of, or ever imagined could happen to me....
It has been a long, hard journey for four years - and many things coming to light - I was the breadwinner and he managed to almost financially ruin me. Hard to head into my 50's in this way, but I am coming out of it. There is light at the end of the tunnel:l

[YouKayBee]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

You sound in a really difficult place and I have 2 questions for you, you don't have to answer them here but might be worth thinking about.

Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?
Has your relationship with alcohol gotten in the way of your other relationship?even if that only means distracting you enough that you didn't see it coming.

Whatever the answers, you need to put yourself first in a big way. Removing alcohol from the equation won't fix everything BUT it'll make it much more manageable allow you to make proper decisions.

[BlueSong]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

I really can't express all the words I wish to say after reading everyone's considerate, heartfelt messages, but thank you. I cried now reading, but it was a therapeutic cry. To answer some of the questions, I haven't seen a doctor but I hope to find someone. I did have a psychiatrist here a couple years ago to help with anxiety, but I'm living in Egypt and to be honest I couldn't express very much of what I was going through, I was just very vague (he didn't even know I drank!) I need to find someone I trust. And unfortunately I must now get tested for STDs because I found out he wasn't even using condoms. It's so humiliating. I'm going back to the states soon for a month so I may reach out to a psychologist/psychiatrist there but it will only be short term. There are good moments and bad, but lately he's been encouraging me to drink! Today I woke up and went to the bathroom crying, I tried eating breakfast but couldn't, and his reaction was to order a bunch of 8% beer for delivery (yes, there is a place nearby that delivers alcohol which makes it that much easier to drink).

My sadness seems to be an inconvenience for him, and I really can't understand his reactions. He composes music for film and tv and after he heard me in the bathroom throwing up today, he came inside to sit with me. I told him he could continue working in the other room but he said now he's "no longer in the mood." (I guess I'll try to get sick a little quieter next time....) There is a lot of love between us though in general, that's why I'm trying to stay and get past this experience.

The drinks are on their way now, I don't know why he put me in this position when it's still the day. He rarely drinks but today suddenly he said, "he needs a drink." To answer another question, yes I do consider myself an alcoholic, I've known for about three years. I drink at least 5 days a week, and the days I don't I can barely sleep. It has effected my marriage in some ways, but mostly in the past. Three years ago (when it finally hit me I have a problem) I felt embarrassed that I was drinking more than other people so I would hide wine bottles in my closet. At that time I would drink at a faster pace because I was afraid he'd walk in and see me. Eventually of course he figured out "my system" and we had problems. When I drink fast my mood goes very dark... BUT- I thought the past two years were much more open and healthy. He told me he didn't mind if I drank as long as I'm in a good mood (the "dark side" isn't pretty) but I found when I didn't have to hide it I could just sip it and for the most part just be myself, but with a buzz (it's very hard for me to get drunk since my tolerance is so high now).

I know living in this country has effected me- it's strange to be in the Middle East and end up drinking more but that's what happened. Years ago my husband used to play in bars a lot (and I would sing in my own band also), still he does occasionally. Back then I was more of a social drinker but now I am dependent. We met through music but in the five years we've been married his career took off and mine went absolutely nowhere. I had a lot of lonely nights at home while he's working (or as I know now, cheating) and wine became my friend.

Since I found out about all the lies, all the gifts he bought her, all the things he said to her, I just feel sick. Food doesn't taste good. I either can't sleep or I sleep too much. And I've been drinking much more and earlier than I did. I was having a bottle of wine a day, now I'm having two, sometimes even a beer as well, consistently. I have lost a few pounds but I guess I'm having my calories in drinking. The strange part about it, he complained to the other woman I was an alcoholic but he never says anything to me. He's seen me drink more the past couple weeks and he's said nothing to encourage me to stop. Even I'm worried about my health, I don't physically feel the same, I feel run down. I don't know how long I can continue like this. I agree with everyone on here, alcohol doesn't solve anything. I think I need to just do what I know is true and stop. I guess I need to find something to replace what wine does for me. Reading people's messages and coming on here helps. Thank you again.

(Sorry this was so long!)

[BlueSong]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

I wanted to mention also three years ago I was drinking up to two bottles of wine a day, that was the only time my husband had told me to stop because it was changing my personality and I began gaining weight of course. I gave myself permission because my manager had quit me via phone call on my birthday (and some other issues happened) so I had a few months of selfish self pity. Since then the past couple years I had been having one bottle a day (in the evening) so he hadn't complained about it. But I'm afraid that now this affair happened and I feel so depressed both he and I are giving me the excuse to go back to such a nasty habit. I never want to go back there, and I'm so thankful there is MWO because I didn't know about it back then. So far I didn't touch the beer that was delivered and coming on here a few times today has helped.

[YouKayBee]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

BlueSong;1664597 wrote: I wanted to mention also three years ago I was drinking up to two bottles of wine a day, that was the only time my husband had told me to stop because it was changin g my personality and I began gaining weight of course. I gave myself permission because my manager had quit me via phone call on my birthday (and some other issues happened) so I had a few months of selfish self pity. Since then the past couple years I had been having one bottle a day (in the evening) so he hadn't complained about it. But I'm afraid that now this affair happened and I feel so depressed both he and I [B]are giving me the excuse[B] to go back to such a nasty habit. I never want to go back there, and I'm so thankful there is MWO because I didn't know about it back then. So far I didn't touch the beer that was delivered and coming on here a few times today has helped.

The bits in bold.

It's in you to take away the excuses.

I'm wondering if he didn't complain because he was seeing someone else. Alcohol especially for an alcoholic does in my experience and some reading I've done affect how a person is both with themselves, other people and in relationships. Sometimes when drinking alcoholically it's really difficult to see how things are affecting you.

Keep coming here.

[BlueSong]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Yes you are right YouKayBee, alcohol certainly can distort things. Maybe I wasn't seeing things clearly, maybe he also used drinks to keep me content and to not ask too many questions. I had noticed that whenever he was "working late nights" he'd always ask if I'd like to have some wine. I thought he was being considerate because he knew I get anxiety at night. The problem was mine to begin with, but I do believe he used it somehow. Ultimately I know whether the marriage survives or not, I need to work on myself. Knowing that I wasn't in control of my life and unaware of it is so frightening.

I must confess that today after finding out more details of his relationship I had gone into the other room just catch my breathe, I really didn't want to fight. Instead of leaving me be he comes into the room and started yelling at me (saying how long are you going to be upset over this?). I'm still unable to grasp why he yells at me when he sees I'm drowning in despair and yet I was considerate enough not to yell or confront him. After he left for a session recording I immediately ordered wine without hesitation. As soon as it arrived I had a glass and regretted it. So for the past few hours I started cleaning. I just finished and came on here to get a grip on things...