A Very Difficult Two Weeks

[narilly]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Blue, my husband cheated on me after 19 years of marriage and I was devestated. It was one of the worst things that happened to me and I was heartbroken. I could not eat or concentrate on anything. I felt like I was losing my mind. We did get back together after about 6 months, the biggest reason was for the kids but now it is good.

You know from your posts it seems like your husband is using your alcohol consumption to justify his actions. "because you drink I will have an affair"
I can't believe that he knows you have a problem but orders booze for you, it seems like he wants you to stay in that alcoholic haze so he can keep hurting you.

He is yelling at you because if it is your fault then it is OK that he is seeing someone else. Of course it is not his fault in his mind. In his mind it is ALL your fault.

Please keep reading on this website. Listen to the Bubblehour.com, this is a podcast done by some women who have had the same issues with Alcohol as you (us).

I drank when my husband left and when I did I would feel SO bad because Alcohol is a depressant and it would always make me feel worse.

Please stop drinking, it is not helping you At All! Show your husband you are more than just someone that drinks too much. Whether it works out or not, the AL has to go.

xo

[MossRose]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Oh Blue - my heart hurts for you. He is yelling at you because your pain is inconvenient to him. He didn't expect you to find out, so he had no Plan B. He needs to shift this on to you....make it all your fault. IT'S NOT!! I'm not saying that your marriage is beyond salvage. But it takes two people to repair things, and quite frankly - most of that work needs to fall on him. You need to stop drinking. But that is no excuse for him to treat you disrespectfully.

Right now, you need to concentrate on you. I know how hard that is. You are sitting there, dealing with endless mind-movies, and making yourself crazy. You can't eat and you can't sleep. But that makes it all about him. Please, please, please - make it about you. All of us here who have been cheated on completely understand. So believe us when we say that drinking will only make this crappy situation much, much worse.

I agree with Narilly - show him the woman you really are. Take charge of your life, and let him know that you expect to be treated with respect. And be very, very kind to yourself, ok? We are here for you. Anytime!!

[MossRose]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Blue - I've been thinking about you and see you haven't posted in the last couple of days. Check in and let us know how you are doing, ok? Sending love and hugs. You can get through this. Lean on us.

[little beagle]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Yes. Make this about you.
My husband has the habit of turning bad events in our life around onto me. Making it somehow my fault. A real lack of accepting responsibility for his own actions.
Keep coming back. Keep talking about it. It really helps.

[BlueSong]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

narilly;1665242 wrote: Blue, my husband cheated on me after 19 years of marriage and I was devestated. It was one of the worst things that happened to me and I was heartbroken. I could not eat or concentrate on anything. I felt like I was losing my mind. We did get back together after about 6 months, the biggest reason was for the kids but now it is good.

You know from your posts it seems like your husband is using your alcohol consumption to justify his actions. "because you drink I will have an affair"
I can't believe that he knows you have a problem but orders booze for you, it seems like he wants you to stay in that alcoholic haze so he can keep hurting you.

He is yelling at you because if it is your fault then it is OK that he is seeing someone else. Of course it is not his fault in his mind. In his mind it is ALL your fault.

Please keep reading on this website. Listen to the Bubblehour.com, this is a podcast done by some women who have had the same issues with Alcohol as you (us).

I drank when my husband left and when I did I would feel SO bad because Alcohol is a depressant and it would always make me feel worse.

Please stop drinking, it is not helping you At All! Show your husband you are more than just someone that drinks too much. Whether it works out or not, the AL has to go.

xo

Thanks for sharing your story. Really I have reread everyone's posts and it really has given me strength. I had drank the past couple days even though I felt disgusted with myself for giving in. I had a friend over who enjoys drinking, for now it's especially hard to be around a drinker and not give in. I agree my husband is likely using my dependency to justify his vice (of lies and infidelity) with mine. He said something to that effect. He knew as long as I have my wine fix every evening I won't complain too much, or ask questions. I'd be content and relax at home, because I am an anxious person by nature. I will definitely check out the podcast you recommended. For over a year I was looking for a podcast but I didn't find anything other than AA. I do want to show my husband I'm not this weak woman who can't control herself. I want to show myself that too.

Tonight after keeping my mind busy all day at 10pm ordered two bottles of wine but I quickly cancelled it. I remember the days where I'd drink just to celebrate, right now it's just filling a void. These days I just feel I can't trust anything around me. All the sweet words he'd say to me over the years she told me he said to her. The emails she sent me cannot be unread. Apart of me just wants to drown in a bottle of whiskey and erase any memory. But I'm also clinging on to the fear that if I did that, not only would it effect my health, I don't think I could control myself right now. I've been taking all this as civil as I can, trying not to yell at him or make him feel too judged. But I'm afraid if I drank the way I'm truly craving, I would end up throwing his violins out the window or anything else he values! I don't want to give into anger and alcohol would make it that much easier...

[MossRose]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Blue - so glad to see you back and posting. Good for you to realize that drinking will exacerbate this problem. However, you do have a right to be angry. Not drunken angry - but sad and hurt. Denying your right to feel these things is unhealthy.

I used to stuff those feelings way down deep - didn't want any confrontation - and then carried on like a nice girl. But it didn't work out so well. Those feelings will fester and you will seek a way to stop the pain.

So try to get these feelings out if possible - a trusted friend, counselor, even just writing here. Take care of yourself.

[Change]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

scottish lass;1664063 wrote: BS - I left my husband of 17 years about 4 years ago when I found a series of emails telling his high school sweetheart about his new love -not me! I also found a series of emails from previously to his HS sweetheart about loving her too - sadly I was not aware, in retrospect I should have been, and I feel there were probably more.
I am now happy, hope to be divorced by the end of the year - I am stronger and I am content - it has taken me 4 years to get to this place, and not drinking is huge. I am making my own life for me and my two girls. He is now with yet another girlfriend, and can't make anything last. I have come out the winner - and, yes it was incredibly hard. Not what I dreamed of, or ever imagined could happen to me....
It has been a long, hard journey for four years - and many things coming to light - I was the breadwinner and he managed to almost financially ruin me. Hard to head into my 50's in this way, but I am coming out of it. There is light at the end of the tunnel:l

That is very inspiring scottish lass, good for you.

[BlueSong]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

I'm very disappointed and ashamed to write these words, but I want to hold myself accountable. I have been coming on mywayout from time to time since this has happened trying to gather strength but I have failed this whole month. It has been one month and a few days now that I have known about my husband's affair, and for the first time in my life (I'm crying while writing this) I went every single day of that month drinking.

Only the first day when I found out I did not drink, because I was so completely shocked. I actually thought it would be my wake up call to take control of my life instead of being numb. I even wrote a positive letter to myself saying drinking won't solve your problems, you deserve better, etc. and I put positive quotes I had seen on here on my refrigerator. But after the first week I took it off because it reminded me of how I failed myself.

My husband has been faithful to me as far as I know this month and no longer locks his phone or logs out of email, he took me to many nice dinners dates but emotionally he has been borderline cruel. He is perfectly loving if I act happy but if he hears me cry in the bathroom or getting sick, he starts yelling and keeps making himself the victim. I'm "inconveniencing" him from because I can't hold in my emotion. I ended up showing him another site which MossRose recommended (thank you) about surviving infidelity and how it can take time to heal. He tells me he understands he did something wrong but am I going to keep reminding him for the rest of our lives? He says he's too stressed with work to deal with everything now.

Just to be clear, I have been reasonable with him and go out of my way to not harp on things, I try my best to mask my emotions. And there are some moments when even he is willing to talk to me about how I feel and try to comfort me. But those moments are few and far in between, and when I feel I can't take it anymore I begin to drink. Some days I almost make it, one night I lasted until midnight but then I couldn't sleep I just felt like I was having a panic attack so I opened up some red wine. Other days like today when he yells at me or makes me feel small, I have a beer instead of breakfast.

I don't even enjoy drinking anymore, I feel like I am taking medicine. When I started drinking I thought of myself as a wino, appreciating every note in the bottle, pairing it with the right cheese. Those days are long gone but I was never the "beer for breakfast" type until now. Is this who I've become? And since this has all happened I barely eat. The calories are all from alcohol. I stopped taking my vitamins because I don't have enough food in my stomach, not even when he takes me for dinner.

I don't want to be the one who dies over something that could have been prevented. Then other moments I simply don't care, I'm drowning in pain right now so why not? Even though my husband is somewhat concerned I don't think he realizes, just because I act fairly sober when I drink, I'm still consuming poison. And I know it's not up to him to stop me, I know it is something I must do. Intellectually I get that, and yet every day this month I have gone against myself and keep drinking. I'm afraid not only can I not trust him anymore, I can't trust myself.

[NoSugar]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Hi, BlueSong

I'm amazed by how calmly and clearly you see the situation you're in. You also understand how your husband is trying to twist this around so you are the perpetrator and he is the victim. That isn't at all fair to you.

Is there any way you could be out of the home situation for awhile - hopefully in a place where you'd have someone supporting you? I'm not suggesting a formal separation (unless you think that is what you want and need) and all that entails but maybe a little space for you to figure out how you really feel and how you want to move forward. Maybe without the constant pressure, you could develop a plan for not drinking, eating right, and taking better care of yourself.

We can help with the not drinking part :l. You could write to Narilly and MossRose privately about the betrayal. They are lovely ladies who have experienced something like what you have and come out the other side.

Thinking of you, NS

[BlueSong]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Yes NS, by coincidence I'm going back to the states tomorrow. I go back home every year in June so the ticket was booked before I knew this all happened. I'm nervous that he will have the ability to cheat again if he really wants, but I'm also thankful to have time to clear my head and hopefully take care of myself more.

[NoSugar]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

That is great timing! I hope you have a good trip and are coming to a part of the US that is having nice summer weather.

If you can, don't think about your husband and what he is or isn't doing. You can't control that, whether you are with him or here in the US. Focus on YOU for now and later you can decide if and how he fits into your life.

All the best to you, NS

[treetops]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Try to use your time in the States to get out of your drinking patterns and distance yourself from the situation. You need to concentrate on your health and sanity. It might also be a good idea to see a doctor and see how your physical state is doing with the recent escalation of drinking.
Please take care and don't let someone control you like this. Many of us have been in such relationships with the love of our life. And many of us let ourselves go under in the process. Now is your chance to take control. Very best wishes.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Blue Song,
Safe travels today. :l

I went through college on a ROTC scholarship and joined the US Army, with a commitment of 4 years of active duty. I was young, freshly married with a young baby, and we moved to Germany. In short, while I was deployed in Saudi Arabia/Iraq... my husband had an affair with a colonel's wife (I didn't know). We had two children in 1990 (3 years and 7 months old)... I was in a war zone.... and he was telling me that when I returned from Desert Storm, he was going to leave me because, "I was too controlling". He was drinking too much because of me being controlling. I bought it hook, line, and sinker, until the Colonel came to my home to ask me if I knew (after my husband had moved back to the States, and the wife coincidentally left for vacation at the same time). My marriage ended, I was a single mom working full time in Germany... my "happily ever after" was shattered, and I didn't think I would survive. BUT. I did. For my children, primarily, I was on auto pilot. Nine months later I move back to the States. Found a new job. Surrounded myself with my family, and eventually found a man that I could trust and we married, had 2 more kids, and while my belief in "happily ever after" is definitely marred, it is still there.

Marriage counselors would look at your situation and at my situation and they could probably do a "Root Cause Failure Analysis" to understand why you and your husband made certain choices.... both of you can point fingers, but the unequivocal facts are:
1. You are living in a country where you have limited family to support you.
2. He cheated.
3. You drink too much.

Blue Song, it takes two to make a relationship work, and in my situation, I was willing to try, but my husband wasn't. So I had to move on, unwillingly, to a new life. Take your time apart to decide if you will truly ever forgive your husband, or if his infidelity will always be in your heart.

As for your drinking, only you can change it. No, it's not easy, but it is achievable. There are many people here that have walked on the same path... they are further down the road, but they can help you... but it is your feet. Your path. Your way.

You don't have to live overseas. You don't have to be married. You don't have to drink.
You can live overseas. You can be married. You can drink.

Easier said than done. Hugs to you, and if you need help, I'm here.
:l Patty

[wWryJOl]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

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[Booze Blues]

A Very Difficult Two Weeks

Rahul is that you?