can't find my way out

[MossRose]

can't find my way out

ok - crying jag is over and I'm feeling better. I know it is totally silly to care what people think online - FB and such - but let's be honest, perception is everything. My ex is a master of spin. I can't bring myself to post anything. It's not in my nature. But the whole world probably thinks right now that he's great, and I suck for not being there. He's posting an "update" every 20 minutes. aargh. And people are "liking" it. G - you are right, time to logoff.

Made the decision about half and hour ago to do something spontaneous. Leaving Thursday to see a dear friend. That will turn my world around. Thanks everyone. You are always there and I can't thank you enough.

[Guitarista]

can't find my way out

Finish off with some Mongolian throat singing action.......

[MossRose]

can't find my way out

LOL. Needed that!

[little beagle]

can't find my way out

I'm sorry you had to miss big event like that, but what a wonderful, loving mother you are.

[Rusty]

can't find my way out

Moss, so sorry it took me sooo long to get back to you. I lost my internet connection here. What Guitarista said is so true!

Even though your ex is the master of spin, you can't control what other people think, and people WILL figure your ex out.

Rusty - thought you might find this interesting. My ex managed to woo a very nice women. They lived together for a while until he screwed her over. OMG, then she called me!!! It was weird, but in some ways, it was healing. Life is strange. She's really nice. Glad she got out early on. Good for her.

:H:HI DO find it interesting, because the new woman in my ex's (we were never married...we were just dating) life CALLED ME, TOO. Ohhhh...did that feel good. Of course, he dumped her, but blamed it on her.

Good job on doing something positive and spontaneous like taking that trip to see a good friend.

Also, please stay off of Facebook, Mossy. I made the decision to stay off it, too. Too much BS on Facebook with petty jealousies and people acting like they're in junior high.

PM me anytime.

[MossRose]

can't find my way out

Rusty - I deleted that post because I felt like I was rambling, and off topic, but actually glad you responded to it. Yes, she validated a lot of things for me. He's still a liar, cheater, and abuser. I hope I helped her to understand that it's not her fault. And that he won't change!! She was smarter than me - she kicked him out the first time. Truthfully though, her call set off a new round of anxiety. Not sure why, but it did and I am having a hard time getting back to level.

Forced myself to get out of bed this morning. No more sleeping the days away. I am going to get some stuff done today to get ready for my trip. I don't know how it happened. I was doing ok and then about a week ago, the anxiety came back with a vengeance and I couldn't cope. So I didn't. Just went to work and then came home and slept. Sounds dumb even to me.

Time to make some changes. I'm falling back into extreme people-pleasing mode again, and that just won't do. Thanks for the good advice.

Facebook is deactivated. I feel better already. I'm just not suited for it.

[Samstone]

can't find my way out

Hey Mossy
was unable to get on MWO site last night, saw your thread this morning, hope you are doing better. I don't do much with FB, too much to keep up with, looks like to me. So, I'm glad you sound a little more upbeat. Anxiety something that you struggle with? When I find I'm having the blues, seems like exercise helps, be it just taking a long walk. Feel a little inadequate giving any advice in that area. Thinking of you and hope your day goes well.
Sam

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

can't find my way out

Mossy, I hope today greets you with Peace and Love. :h

I feel like I'm always competing with my daughter's mother-in-law... which logically, is silly. It is my insecurity and jealousy when I hear her talking about their positive relationship- my brain says, "Patty, you are still her mom and will always be her mom. The fact that she has a healthy, positive relationship with her mother-in-law means that you taught her well"... but the other side of my heart is jealous and sad and envious when I hear of the fun they have together (they live near each other, 1400 miles from me).

However, every now and then, I hear my daughter say, "I miss you Mom. I wish you lived closer."... and as a grown up, I gently remind her that she has her mother in law nearby. The most sweet, healing words for my soul came from my daughter's mouth: "yeah, but she's not you, mom. There's no one like you."

Whether your son says it outloud or not, Mossy, there is no one like you for him. You are his Mom. He knows your goodness and your flaws, and he knows your dedication to him. Your ex can flaunt someone in front of his family that is taller/shorter/bigger/smaller... she can have a "better" figure or prettier hair, have fancy clothes and fake boobs... but Mossy, she's not you. And from what you've said, it appears that the woman on your ex's arm will change like a revolving door.
No one will ever replace the bond that you and your son share. :h
Patty

[Rusty]

can't find my way out

Hi Moss....just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.:l:l

Time to make some changes. I'm falling back into extreme people-pleasing mode again, and that just won't do. Thanks for the good advice. Facebook is deactivated. I feel better already. I'm just not suited for it.

Great move! People-pleasing lead me to drinking-into-oblivion mode. I had to stop it, but I learned from my mother to be a people pleaser. Um....so done with that. Glad you are off FB. It is not a good fit for me either. This is just my very humble opinion....but I find FB to be an incredible time waster. I originally got on it so I could keep up with the lives of my favorite nieces and nephews. Well, not anymore. I got a friend request from my ex-cleaning lady, whom I fired 5 years ago for stealing from me. And she wants to be friends with me? Then, those damn notifications when someone wants to share a link. WTF?

Anyway, Moss, hope you are better today. Please pop back in and let us know.:l

[MossRose]

can't find my way out

Hiya Rusty. Yes, much better today. I actually got quite a bit done, so I feel good. Funny, I learned to be a people pleaser from my mom too. I am so fortunate to still have her in my life, and I love her to pieces, but she will never stop trying to run my life. Now I must learn to say no with love.

Just recently, she was insistent that I move to an apartment of her choosing. I know she means well and I understand why she wants me to do it (I would be very close to her), but I really, really dislike living in an apartment, and want to find a house to rent. Plus, it would isolate me from my friends even more than I am now. Yet somehow, there I was standing in the rental office last week, talking to a very nice lady about leasing an apartment. OMG. Something snapped. I started shaking, almost had an anxiety attack right in her office, so I came home, and went to sleep. hahaha.

But at least I didn't sign anything and that's a huge step forward for me. This morning, I told my mom that I wouldn't be moving there. She was actually ok with it. Guess I just need to learn to speak my truth and quit worrying so much.

Hey Happy and Sam. Nice to see you and thanks for the kind words. I'm pretty sure this will all work out in the end if I just start being accountable for my part in this drama.

Take care all!!

ps - I texted my son twice to let him know I was with him in spirit. I have heard nothing back. Nothing! Then I just heard that he and his GF are at another event today - a very expensive one. I'm all for him having a good time, but am a bit angry that I will have trouble buying groceries this week, and they are using my money for fun-time. He told me they were flat broke and hungry. I believed him. The money was for his trip. Sheesh. I need to learn.

[Rusty]

can't find my way out

Hi Moss,

Good job on handling your mother's controlling personality! :goodjob: It's hard to break free of that people pleasing personality....I know. I had the same problem with my dad. He was awful!!!

Regarding your son...I think if you develop a coolness or detachment towards him, he is more likely to come around. My ex-beau, who was a lawyer, used to tell me that one of his tricks was to make himself a little less accessible to his clients who were really difficult and abusive, just because they were paying for his services. Once he became less available to them, they started treating him better. I have noticed this as well with my own clients, as well as a "friend" whom I've distanced myself from lately. I also know that kids of divorce tend to be manipulative out of anger....and I am sure your son is acting out. I also think that once we stop drinking and we try to make amends with people whom we've hurt with our drinking, we are overly anxious to show everyone what great, generous, unselfish people we are, so we go overboard on the gifts and the time we give other. I know it was that way with me.

Hope you had a better day today.

[Pavati]

can't find my way out

Hi, Mossy:

I have been out of town and only just saw this. I see you have gotten a lot of advice about your relationship with your son and your relationships and I don't think I have anything to add. I'm glad that you're feeling better.

My two cents have to do with the sudden anxiety. I have done a lot of reading about PAWS, and also listened to the Bubble Hour Podcast on the subject. It seems that those feelings out of nowhere are fairly common. That doesn't make the feelings any better themselves, but at least for me it made me feel better that they were "normal."

Hugs to you, dear Mossy. I hope you are feeling better..

Pav

[MossRose]

can't find my way out

Thanks for the support, Pav. I have lived with anxiety my whole life, and can usually muscle through it, but this past week or so, it got really bad. Came out of nowhere and knocked me flat. I'll listen to the podcast. Always looking for new ways to cope. Thank you.

Rusty, I think this may be some of the best advice I have gotten in a long time regarding my son. I called him tonight. He was busy and said he would call back. Still waiting. His dad gets accolades for throwing him scraps. My ex loves his sons - no doubt - but they are not his top priority. He is his top priority. Yet, they both fall all over themselves to make him happy. Makes no sense to me, but I think you are truly onto something. I'm going to leave the door open, but I'm going to quit trying to buy my son's love. It's not working, and it's making me poor. Lame joke, but true.

Thanks again everyone. A few days ago, I was in a very, very dark place. It's getting better and I owe it to all of you. At the risk of sounding sappy, I really couldn't do it without you.

[SoberSoul]

can't find my way out

Look at your by-line Moss Rose. Everything is going to be amazing. I had the same situation with my ex's treatment of my kids. Because he ignored them often, they treasured every birthday card he gave them, every moment he spent with them, etc. They took me for granted because I was always there for them. It's ok now in my books. I have finally learned to give what I want to give; not what I think I have to give. It's the first thing we learn as we become wise middle aged women. Taking care of you is of prime importance. You will notice more contact and respect from your boys if you back off in the giving department... but they will try their old tried and true methods to get what they can first. They will eventually learn to appreciate you if you consistently say no when it's appropriate. Everything takes time and Every thing will amazing!!

[MossRose]

can't find my way out

Hi SS. Always so nice to hear from you. Hope the new house is coming along well. I realize this is the wrong forum, but wanted to check back in and say everything is ok. Just had an amazingly strange, yet wonderful weekend. Life is certainly full of surprises. I took everyone's advice, and have backed away from my son. Hard, but necessary. We'll see where this leads. I am hopeful. Not really in need of "Help ASAP" anymore, so will sign off here, and post in a more appropriate forum. Was just so excited to see you SoberSoul! xx