suicide thread

[coriander]

Thank you for your consideration.

[Byrdlady]

suicide thread

coriander;1679903 wrote: This thread may well be confrontational to many. If you are going to be distressed, please read no further.

After seemingly upsetting the undies with this, maybe i may do better by going out on a limb.
Don't get me wrong, they were mostly supportive. However i felt that i caused more harm to those who were already dealing with enough shit in their own lives.
So, by creating this thread, may i be so bold as to sprout out my own internal shit that i deal with. If you find me self centred, feel free to post that, i can take it.
Please don't post pissed . That's been a big thing to understand. When i feel spiteful, I'm not drunk. I meant shitful not spiteful, dawn auto suggest!

When i feel close to the cliff edge, it's mostly an internal dialogue between the cold clinical pitch and the rational side. As I'm still here, it's obvious who has won so far.
I have been lucky though. Last July i overdosed (yes,sober) on animal sedated and crashed twice in the ambulance. I've done other things too. But the thing i want people to understand is this.......do you KNOW what it's like to be facing the black hole?

If things get too curly with this, I'll delete it.

Thank you for your consideration.

Coriander,
I know you have had previous bouts with this, have you sought professional help? I know medical people make the worst patients, but I think it is time, if you haven't. NO one on this site is equipped to help you....this is an online forum for AL abuse (as you know). Please seek some help immediately....we cannot help you from out here. Wishing you all the best, Byrdie

[mama bear]

suicide thread

I DO know what the black hole is like....and I sought treatment and continue to have my meds monitored quarterly.....
please seek professional treatment
It is extremely distressing to see posts from desperate people, and knowing you can do NOTHING about it.....unless you have a phone number....................
much love and please be well....

[red67]

suicide thread

Hi Cori, I too have suffered depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager.

Most people will never understand the depths of hell you are in at the time you are crying out for help. But that is where the medical profession can help. I had a wonderful doctor in my 20's that put me on AD's and that got me thru the worst period of my life.

The depression came back strong during the last years of my drinking. I honestly didn't care if I lived or died during most of that time. Luckily I found the strength to keep going day to day and once I stopped drinking and did some Behavioural Therapy the depression for the most part went away.

You really need to seek medical help with this. Suicide devastates everyone around you (hurt, guilt, anger) and doesn't solve anything. Please go see a specialist ASAP.

Take Care!

Lori

[hart]

suicide thread

Cori I have attempted suicide many time in my teens and early twenties so yes I do know about the black hole. The only way I could deal with it when I tried twice in one week was to be committed and made safe from myself for a number of weeks. That may be your only option. Another time I was in a midst of panic attacks that wouldn't stop and I could not sleep. Again I had to be placed in the hospital, given meds to sleep, then I could cope, that time was only a 72 hour admission but it did me a world of good. That may be only what it takes. Think about it. I am thinking of you. You can IM me if you like I worked at a Crisis line for several years.........

[Guitarista]

suicide thread

Yo Cozza. How are you going there? It is none of my business, and tell me to go forth and multiply, but i am interested to know if you and counsellor have devised, written out and laminated a crisis plan/emergency plan for you when you are becoming unwell/super stressed/anxious?

This sort of plan is a simple step by step action plan you put together when you're feeling the best you can under the circumstances (with your counsellor), to be used when you're beginning to feel stressed and/or not good. It could be a simple 4-5 point plan including phone numbers of who to call, and what to do next (e.g. CBT-Breathing-relaxation-mindfulness strategies) to keep you safe. Keep it on the fridge or somewhere easy to see it.

Another essential written out (laminated) simple plan is for your triggers that may cause you to become unwell/stressed. I'd be interested to see these plans if you're comfortable pm'ing them to me? If not, no worries i know this stuff is personal, so just a suggestion. Is there any sort of face to face support group in town you could attend weekly? Your counsellor would know. e.g. is there a 'Grow' group? There are a lot of mental health/BPD support groups on facebook too, maybe you could have a look at if you haven't already? Other people who are going through very similar stuff to you who will relate immediately. Keep me posted.

G bloke.

[coriander]

suicide thread

Thanks for your replies people. I'm on medication, have been admitted numerous times, weirdly i did feel safe from myself in there, actually the nurses said i looked rested as adverse to stressed after a couple of days. However i don't want to use hospital as a haven, it's not realistic.
Hart, i may well take you up on the pm offer!
G, I'd never thought about Grow groups, will investigate, thank you. And no, i haven't got a plan written down. That too is a good idea.

The aim of this thread was merely to invite those who have been on the brink, to relay how they crawled out of the abyss. I'll leave it up for a bit longer, then deleted it goes nowhere.

[Guitarista]

suicide thread

Morning Cozz,

Are you able to discuss the written out crisis plan with your counsellor? For me, this needs to be done immediately and as a priority. The purpose of such a plan is to give a simple, clear step by step guide to what you have come up with as the best most effective steps to take when you're stressed and not thinking clearly. This should be laminated and put somewhere you will see it. It should be simple and realistic. If you can come up with a couple of steps you can take in a crisis and write it down that's a start.

Then if you're comfortable doing it, i highly recommend running the plan by your counsellor who can check it out and if necessary, make some suggestions (he will have experience/knowledge in putting together such plans).

At your next appointment, can you insist on creating a crisis plan with him, and have it printed out before you leave your next appointment? Part of his job is to support you in creating such a plan. A simple step by step written out plan is often the first step in crawling out of the abyss. Just a suggestion mate.

Check out some facebook groups too. Take it easy, and have a bewdy.

G bloke.

[treetops]

suicide thread

Feeling for you Coriander. I too have in the past been in a Black Hole(s) - details of which I do not wish to discuss here. In my situation anxiety and stress were not necessarily the primary triggers - neither was AL. It was a combination of probably biochemically related depression and how I dealt with sudden loss at various times in my life. For me a combination of meds plus counseling really helped. I personally needed to probe into the past of myself and my family - as this gave me some important insight. It was only then that I could address deep-rooted hurt inside me. Contrary to many I personally did not find CBT effective.
Time and other changes in my life also helped.

We can't offer any medical advice - but we can help with support and caring - as well as AL-related advice.
As you know its so important not to isolate yourself.
Very warm wishes

[little beagle]

suicide thread

I'm sorry you hurt. :l
I have been in similar situations in the past. Talking about it helped.
Going to the emergency room helped.

[coriander]

suicide thread

Thanks g and treetops.
Seeing my doc in an hr, my counsellor still away for another week. The after hrs rural crisis line is shit.....tried twice during past 6 months and they've got no bloody idea.
Will discuss a better plan with my lovely GP .
Will come back after that.

[coriander]

suicide thread

Thanks little beagle.
Unfortunately small towns aren't terribly discrete. The nurses all know my history, and I'm determined not to do some revisiting . I've got to learn some coping mechanisms.

[mama bear]

suicide thread

Cori - how close is the next nearest town?? If you are in crisis, I would say EFF them and get help.....don't let shame make you hurt yourself sweetness....

[coriander]

suicide thread

Jane, that's a WONDERFUL post. Thankyou! A very timely read. I think i get so despairing when I'm close to the edge eg needle poised, that i think no one would understand the war going on in my head. Re the mess factor, i get it. I don't want to run my car into a tree for the poor ambos to clean up. There's an undies lady whose had to clean up shotgun mess, and it's something she'll never forget.
I'm on anti depressants .....zoloft in mornings and quetiapine at night. My lovely GP has added slow release quetiapine at lunchtime as of yesterday. He's also going to make it daily collection from the pharmacy, but I'm not too keen on that. I'll be seeing him on Friday beforehe goes away again. We will discuss coping mechanisms . A good good man.

Jane, what struck me reading your post was your empathy. Thankyou.

[Guitarista]

suicide thread

:h Have a bewdy out there Corrie.