I'm so over this

[sakimotokitty]

So, today was bad. I drank and drank and here I am with the 3am wake-up shame. I have several problems. According to my therapist I'm codependant. As such, I rented a cabin for my family. I'm the "successful" one in my family so I can afford such things. It's kinda a big deal because we've never had my father on a vacation. Of course I drink too much and find a way to mess it up before we even get there.

Here's the back story...

We have a portion of our family who are country beyond my comprehension, and I have no problem with rednecks or country folks-I am one myself. An older family member is a hoarder & when my mom went to help clean her home (the owner was hospitalized & they wouldn't let her go back to her current living conditions) - they found several dogs in cages that were alive but forgotten about. So I organized a rescue. Nothing dramatic, just myself & a friend to pick the 4 dogs up and a rescue center to follow us from there. This didn't sit well with a cousin. She promptly shut it down and the dogs are still in feces filled cages.

She was so hateful to myself and my mother that I requested that she not come to the cabin. I just can't deal with an animal abuser (one dog has been in a feces filled cage for 13 years). To put it in perspective, she's always the one to drag her kids to a free vacation where kids specifically aren't allowed. Kids are allowed on this one, so I knew she' drag her broke ass there no matter what. Her children and mother were invited, but I wanted to make it clear that she was not. I was too much of a wuss to do so sober - as was the rest of my family. So I drunk texted.

I texted this while drunk and now the shit storm has begun (surprisingly it was a very kind text). I hate myself for doing these types of things, but I still stand by my original point...I cannot accept animal abuse and she's lucky I haven't called local authorities.

The point still remains that I wouldn't have done this sober and I hate myself right now. I hate myself for drinking too much, for the hundreds of times I've tried to quit and for failing on my last 87th day. I hate that I've caused a family riff and done so not sober. I don't think what I did was wrong, but sweet Jesus - I think I've hit a bottom.

I don't think I'm wrong about the dogs. But I can't trust myself to do anything about them right now which makes me hate myself even more. I think I need to call authorities, but I can't trust my alcohol addled brain at all anymore. Any and all input will be greatly appreciated.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

I'm so over this

Welcome Sakimoto Kitty....

You are probably sleeping and if you return to this page tomorrow... welcome to My Way Out. Let's peel back the onion, so to speak, on your post:

1. You drink.
2. You are successful.
3. You love your family, craziness and all.
4. You texted your true feelings without a sobriety filter.
5. The dogs you were worried about are still trapped in cages and need medical care.

I'm a little confused about the person who was the hoarder with the dogs and her relationship with your cousin. Was the hoarder your aunt, and was she your cousin's mom? I don't think so, because you say that you invited her mom to the cabin, but I'm trying to understand why your cousin got so hissy with you about the dogs?

I do not condone your behavior. Family dynamics are uniquely insane in each family, and like it or not, everyone has to figure out how to get along. If you look at your motivation behind the texting, was it to hurt your freeloading cousin, or was it to get the dogs out of their cages and into a better environment?

Today, you do have some fences to mend, and they aren't impossible to fix. Put your big girl panties on, as my friend would tell me.
So what is on your to-do list?
1. Call your cousin and apologize.
No drama, no apologizing with a ...."but"... I'm sorry BUT.... just say you are sorry for hurting her feelings. No need to mention you were drinking or making an excuse for your drinking... that isn't the issue right now.

2. Ask her what her plan is to rescue the dogs. Tell her that it isn't an option: the dogs need medical care and you intend to get it for them. Tell her that perhaps you should have discussed it with her, but you did not see where she had the financial means to care for the dogs, so unless she has a different plan, the dogs will be removed from your relative's home today. Then stick to your guns. Call the people you had lined up and go get the dogs.

3. The cabin vacation stay... well, that's another fence that involves your entire family, Kitty.... it's not about just you or just your cousin. Everyone else that is there does not want to be in the middle of your drama.

Do you have time to change this? Rather than it being a family vacation, it will be the week where no one had fun because Kitty and Sassy got into a cat fight and no one wins. No one will remember the fun times around the camp fire, or the water activities, or the great food- no, they will simply remember the drunk fighting. If you have time to change that scenario, it is in your hands. You CAN "rise above it", and tell her to come stay with you, as long as you two set aside your swords and agree to disagree. "Fight nice", as my mom would say.

Good luck today. As for your drinking, well, it is something you can work on once these big burdens are lifted off your shoulders.

:l Patty

[Byrdlady]

I'm so over this

Welcome aboard, Saki!
That is an adorable fellow in your avatar! Many of us here on the site an animal advocates. I think it's the PEOPLE relationships that are the problem! To boil it down further....FAMILY WILL DRIVE YOU NUTS! There were so many things in my life that I could control, but when it came to AL and my family, all bets were off....both were out of control.
In order for the tail not to wag the dog, I had to get things into perspective. Before I could possibly help anyone else, I had to help myself. Like on an airplane when they tell you to secure your own mask first before assisting others. Unless and until I addressed my OWN problems, I was not equipped to help anyone else.
If we look at it in those terms, then let's concentrate on you for a change. Once I got sober, it was as if I were operating with more information (because I WAS). I was better able to prioritize and sort thru things. My problem solving abilities improved and I was making decisions based on all the facts, not a shoot from the hip reaction.
Have you checked out the Tool Box on this site? (link in my signature line below). It's full of tips and skills to help you make a PLAN. We can't just HOPE our way out of this one, it takes a plan of attack. Please join us in the Newbie's Nest for ongoing support and guidance as you navigate these new waters. We can help!!

If the dogs are in imminent danger, please get them some help (call authorities).

I'm so glad you are here.
P.S. My family still drives me nuts but I don't EAT or DRINK at them anymore (I'll show THEM!) All I became was a fat drunk.
Byrdie

[mama bear]

I'm so over this

Welcome Saki.
Well, you do have a bit of a mess on your hands, but it's not irreparable.
Call the authorities and have those poor animals removed. They are helpless creatures.
As far as your cousin, apologize to what extent you can. I am not I sure I could even speak to her myself, but it's always better to be the bigger person.
IMHO, hitting rock bottom is not always a bad thing. Hold onto this remorse and guilt and try to do something about it. One Day at a Time!!
We are all here for you....

[spiritwolf333]

I'm so over this

Hi Sak -Sounds like you might be one of us. The alcohol train is hell -as you well know. I hope you are able to get some huge relief from the firewater burden. Those dogs need you and I appreciate you trying to help them. And as you said, an alcohol free state of mind will greatly help your cause.

[sammynorm]

I'm so over this

Hi Saki,

Thanks for your post. I sigh because you sound a lot like me. I'm codependent too, and see a therapist every 2 weeks to work on that problem.

I used to try and plan family get-togethers and then call my mother when I was drunk and yell at her when she wasn't behaving according to the plan. I also have a Aunt who lives with about 7 little dogs, who are in various states of abuse/disrepair (the aunt included).

Anyway, when I finally had to get sober due to a 2nd DUI 3 years ago, and started going to therapy all the codependent stuff came up (still working on it 3 years later). I've since stepped out of planning family get-togethers......I got sick of planning things and people changing plans at the last minute, also I got sick of all the drama and manipulation that goes along with the planning. I've since handed the job back to my Mother (since I could never do the job right anyway) and I attend the things I want to attend. Sometimes I actually say NO and miss an event here and there.

Hope the vacation goes OK, it is probably a good idea to tell your cousin you are sorry you hurt her feelings, don't allow your cousin to blame you for all the drama. They have an equal (if more than equal part in it). Also, I've learned it's OK to cancel family vacations. My Mom and I had a trip we were planning at the end of September, I found the planning taking a turn I didn't like, plus I've had a really stressful year and I said 'No, not this year, maybe another year'.

Good Luck with it all and thanks for your story, I can certainly relate.

[maryjo]

I'm so over this

In vino veritas. Sweetie, we shouldn't text or drink while drunk. BUT our true heart and true nature does come out. So good on you for trying to save these poor animals from a life in Gitmo. They are enslaved and tortured. This isn't a recommendation to keep on drinkin' but don't beat yourself over the fact that you had to take a few to write your true feelings about his animal abuse. These people should be locked up - sorry that they are family to you but they should be doing time for what they have inflicted on these poor creatures.