It is consuming me

[Tatahi5]

My story is no different then the next drunk's. I am a functioning Alcoholic. Everyday is a struggle. The only time I feel normal any more is when I am drunk. I have a family who is counting on me but all I want to do is go check into the hospital. My dad died from this, my mom is dying of this and I am teaching my kids this is OK as well. I am sick. I have everything in the world to be thankful for yet this is the care I give to my health....I am so scared this will kill me ....or the depression this feeds inside of me. How do I give up the only way I know how to deal with the pain? When I am sober the lights are too bright, the sound up too loud and the pain so real. I don't want to die.

[Tatahi5]

It is consuming me

I just need to know I am not alone...I am so sacred and sad....and desperate..

[available]

It is consuming me

hi Tat. Yes you have that right, your story is basically the same on here which is a good thing as if not for mwo i would not be sober today. We all seem to understand the struggles of being an alcoholic. I was a 2 bottle of wine functioning alcoholic who hit the "repeat" button daily. I didnt hit a rock bottom as such but i did not want to end up dead like my brother did from al. I had to make a decision to live my life at 50 either in a bottle or sober and i chose sober. Its not easy, some days its so very very hard but the benefits along the way are amazing. Im happy, im healthy, i dont suffer from anxiety, depression, bleeding gums, nausea, diahorrea etc etc. I dont lie to the ones i love anymore, i dont hide in a bottle. I live life as i should have 20 years ago. The only way to deal with problems is sober, i thought it would be impossible but you know what, its not impossible, its hard some days but nothing is impossible. For me i posted on here daily to be accountable, i read and read and read on here, i watched al documentaries on you tube and i made a plan and that was to not drink for that day and i would deal with tomorrow when it arrived. You will find when you give up al that problems arent so bad, the lights are bright in a better way and life is to be lived. I hope to break the cycle of al addiction in our family, it has to end somewhere. Head over to the newbies nest and say hello. There is a wealth of support on MWO, it is my AA, it is my lifeline.

[NoSugar]

It is consuming me

You aren't alone, Tatahi. Everyone in this forum is or was where you are now. It seems like there is no way to quit but it truly is possible! Many of us have done it and would love to help you if you'll let us.

Posting and reading in the Newbies Nest is a good way to get going on this: https://www.mywayout.org/community/fo...9-newbies-nest.

Everything is too much when you're sober only because you are still sick from alcohol - healthy sober is entirely different so don't be scared of that. And believed it or not, alcohol is causing, not relieving, most of your pain.

I am so sorry about your parents but you don't have to suffer the same fate. Stay close. NS

[NoSugar]

It is consuming me

X-post, Ava - same message, different words (as usual!),

[Tatahi5]

It is consuming me

Thank you guys for taking the time to write to me....I honestly and truly appreciate it. I think maybe I should just speed things along some days as of late. I am too tired to fight and my family deserves better. There is nothing I do for myself other then drink. Which makes me a very selfish person. I love my husband and my kids, they are quite brilliant actually but I am so sick they simply deserve better. I was born with this thirst and hole in my chest that I am afraid will never be filled. Irrevocably broken.

[NoSugar]

It is consuming me

I'm not sure what you mean by "speed things along" but if you are considering suicide, please get in person help right now.


You are not irrevocably broken. You have a curable disease. I just came across this tonight - it lays out very clearly what we are dealing with:


"The Myth and the Reality

Separating myth from reality is not an easy task. Myth is, in fact, reality for many people; to suggest another reality exists is to turn their world upside down. But if the truth about alcoholism is ever to be understood, the myths must be attacked and destroyed. Only facts can destroy myths; and facts are the backbone of this book.

Myth: Alcohol is predominantly a sedative or depressant drug.

Reality: Alcohol?s pharmacological effects change with the amount drunk. In small quantities, alcohol is a stimulant. In large quantities, alcohol acts as a sedative. In all amounts, however, alcohol provides a rich and potent source of calories and energy.

Myth: Alcohol has the same chemical and physiological effect on everyone who drinks.

Reality: Alcohol, like every other food we take into our bodies, affects different people in different ways.

Myth: Alcohol is an addictive drug, and everyone who drinks long and hard enough will become addicted.

Reality: Alcohol is selectively addictive drug; it is addictive for only a minority of its users, namely, alcoholics. Most people can drink occasionally, daily, even heavily, without becoming addicted to alcohol. Others (alcoholics) will become addicted no matter how much they drink."

Myth: Alcohol is harmful and poisonous to the alcoholic.

Reality: Alcohol is a normalizing agent and the best medicine for the pain it creates, giving the alcoholic energy, stimulation, and relief from the pain of withdrawal. Its harmful and poisonous aftereffects are most evident when the alcoholic stops drinking.

Myth: Addiction to alcohol is often psychological.

Reality: Addiction to alcohol is primarily physiological. Alcoholics become addicted because their bodies are physiologically incapable of processing alcohol normally.

Myth: People become alcoholics because they have psychological or emotional problems which they try to relieve by drinking.

Reality: Alcoholics have the same psychological and emotional problems as everyone else before they start drinking. These problems are aggravated, however, by their addiction to alcohol. Alcoholism undermines and weakens the alcoholic?s ability to cope with the normal problems of living. Furthermore, the alcoholic?s emotions become inflamed both when he drinks excessively and when he stops drinking. Thus, when he is drinking, and when he is abstinent, he will feel angry, fearful, and depressed in exaggerated degrees.

Myth: All sorts of social problems?marriage problems, a death in the family, job stress?may cause alcoholism.

Reality: As with psychological and emotional problems, alcoholics experience all the social pressures everyone else does, but their ability to cope is undermined by the disease and the problems get worse.

Myth: When the alcoholic is drinking, he reveals his true personality.

Reality: Alcohol?s effect on the brain causes severe psychological and emotional distortions of the normal personality. Sobriety reveals the alcoholic?s true personality.

Myth: The fact that alcoholics often continue to be depressed, anxious, irritable, and unhappy after they stop drinking is evidence that their disease is caused by psychological problems.

Reality: Alcoholics who continue to be depressed, anxious, irritable, and unhappy after they stop drinking are actually suffering from a phenomenon called ?the protracted withdrawal syndrome.? The physical damage caused by years of excessive drinking has not been completely reversed; they are, in fact, still sick and in need of more effective therapy.

Myth: If people would only drink responsibly, they would not become alcoholics.

Reality: Many responsible drinkers become alcoholics. Then, because it is the nature of the disease (not the person), they begin to drink irresponsibly.

Myth: An alcoholic has to want help to be helped.

Reality: Most drinking alcoholics do not want to be helped. They are sick, unable to think rationally, and incapable of giving up alcohol by themselves. Most recovered alcoholics were forced into treatment against their will. Self-motivation usually occurs during treatment, not before.

Myth: Some alcoholics can learn to drink normally and can continue to drink with no ill effects as long as they limit the amount.

Reality: Alcoholics can never safely return to drinking because drinking in any amount will sooner or later reactivate their addiction.

Myth: Psychotherapy can help many alcoholics achieve sobriety through self-understanding.

Reality: Psychotherapy diverts attention from the physical causes of the disease, compounds the alcoholic?s guilt and shame, and aggravates rather than alleviates his problems.

Myth: Craving for alcohol can be offset by eating high-sugar foods.

Reality: Foods with a high sugar content will increase the alcoholic?s depression, irritability, and tension and intensify his desire for a drink to relieve these symptoms.

Myth: If alcoholics eat three balanced meals a day, their nutritional problems will eventually correct themselves.

Reality: Alcoholic?s nutritional needs are only partially met by a balanced diet. They also need vitamin and mineral supplements to correct any deficiencies and to maintain nutritional balances.

Myth: Tranquilizers and sedatives are sometimes useful in treating alcoholics.

Reality: Tranquilizers and sedatives are useful only during the acute withdrawal period. Beyond that, these substitute drugs are destructive and, in many cases, deadly for alcoholics.

http://www.lakesidemilam.com/alcohol...of-alcoholism/


Don't despair, Tatahi. You've already taken the step of admitting this can't go on and that you need help. It isn't easy but it can be done. NS

[Pavati]

It is consuming me

Hi, Tahiti:

If you are desperate, would you consider rehab? I know that a lot of people have found that some time away from the struggle with a guaranteed sobriety makes starting to work on the other stuff possible. There are outpatient rehabs even that you could go to after work. Or find a private counselor? A group meeting? Keep posting here? For me it was a combination of the private counselor and posting here. I felt like I had to come clean in "real life" to someone I couldn't avoid simply by not turning on the computer.

I agree with NS and Ava - we're all here for the same reason. Find what works for you, and get started today - you will never regret a day you didn't drink. I can attest to the same things Ava says - anxiety and depression are not gone, but are significantly improved.

I hope you are ok.

Pav

[Tatahi5]

It is consuming me

I wish I could go to rehab right now, this second. I am so scared, my thoughts are so wrong.

[NoSugar]

It is consuming me

Hi, Tatahi

I hope you're feeling a little better this morning and maybe ready to start to get yourself free. Like Molly says, it takes a leap of faith.

I posted that long list last night to give you something to do other than beat yourself up but realize it might have been too much to deal with when you were so upset. Maybe you could read it today - it explains that you are not an awful, immoral, selfish wife and mother. You are a woman who has become addicted to alcohol and that addiction has changed you and caused you to behave differently than you believe you should or want to do.

That truly can change, starting today.

Hope to see you over in the Newbies Nest.

[FlyAway]

It is consuming me

Tatahi5;n2513969 wrote: How do I give up the only way I know how to deal with the pain?

This is what I believe to be the essential question to getting sober. We drink to fulfill another need, usually to relieve us of stress or anxiety. We are self-medicating whether we know it or not. You need to find other ways to relieve stress and pain. Not drinking is not enough. That's why you'll always hear talk of the Toolbox and having tools to use to get sober. You can try meditation, exercise, hypnosis, relaxation CDs, yoga, spirituality, talk therapy, etc. You need to find what works for you and your lifestyle. Best wishes to you.

[See the Light]

It is consuming me

Tat- hope you are getting help. Alcoholism is a disease. Most of us here have it (I certainly do). So it makes you think things you wouldn't if you were not drinking, It is also a depressant, so its not helping you feel better, its making you feel worse. Its a vicious cycle that is hard to break by yourself. I hope you are not alone..please get around people who care and are sober. Start as so as you can so can start to feel better..there is hope once you get some help..please stay in touch here and we will do what we can


https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcohol-and-mental-health

http://www.mysanantonio.com/opinion/...on-5734267.php

[NoSugar]

It is consuming me

Great links, STL - thank you.

[AlaskanGirly]

It is consuming me

I too was a functioning alcoholic. I would binge for days, weeks, with a few days sobriety in between. Considered myself functioning, but I was doing anything. There will come a time when you can no longer function. I went on baclofen & came to an amazing realization.......just how drunk I must have been to think I was. I have never felt better. Thinking clearly, getting my life together, & doing things I was too drunk to do. Boredom was a killer for me. Keep your head up & work for today. You're not alone, we're all here to support you, while walking by your side.

[Tatahi5]

It is consuming me

I am so scared I am going to die. I do not want to hurt myself when they are in the house.I am so in the bottle it seems my only way out. He just went to bed. So should I only for good.I am just so done.