Relapse-Anxiety-Guilt

[briseus]

I feel so horrible after a relapse....it's been continuous...not an everyday thing...but bingeing like crazy on weekends. I don't know how to stop....and after a super crappy weekend....and now having the most terrible anxiety I feel like the only way to make this feeling go away is to drink some more but I know that isn't the solution. I just feel so lost. All the booze is out of my house...I just don't know how to deal with this anxiety and I know I have done it before so why does it feel so overwhelming. I am just sitting here crying at work feeling like a terrible person for having let everyone down. I just wish I never picked up in the first place and then there is a super small part of me that is glad I did because I enjoy that high....but I am just so damn miserable now. I just need some help. I will be going over to the Newbie's Nest...again. I feel so damn ashamed and guilty.

[bkyogagurl]

Bri-

I do the same thing... Binge on the weekends..

Please don't feel like you have let anyone here down... Lots have been thru it and lots are still going thru it.
It's so dang hard. I know exactly how you feel with the anxiety. I try to say to myself. " I forgive you"
It's so hard to stop.
If you need to talk you can PM me or talk here... Just write out all those feelings that you are feeling no matter
How small they may seem...
I find just acknowledging those feelings helps reduce the impact on the anxiety they produce.

Please don't be hard on yourself. Shame is a horrible thing that contributes to the spiral of drinking.

I will check back soon..

[briseus]

Thank you so much bkyogagurl - reading you post had me tear up.
I don't want to go through this for the rest of my life but for some reason it feels like it's not finished with me yet. Or rather I am not finished with it. How can you hate something so much but keep going back to it? Like a bad relationship.
Feeling this shame, guilt and anxiety really is killing me today. I just can't quit crying but then I question whether I will drink again tonight or this weekend again.
I feel like everyone is so disappointed in me and yet I know they think I am over exaggerating because it's just these feelings being amplified.
I don't know why I always want to get outside of myself. Life is good so what am I doing??
Thank you for the advice and for posting and reading what I have to say.
I will be sure to PM you.
Thanks very much.

[bkyogagurl]

Bri- checking In on you.. How are you????

I definitely understand the nature of the beast and knowing for a fact I'm not ready to give it up yet... Maybe you could give me some insight to how much your drinking and what you do when you are drinking..

I use it for an escape most of the time. Not wanting to face my underlying emotions which can be deep or on the surface... I sometimes clean while I drink because that instant sugar carb exchange gives me a lift at the end of the week.. Is it good.. no. But it's where I am right now. Sometimes I just plain like the taste of it.

I have been trying to tackle my habits by setting weekly or monthly drinking goals. Say like last month I said I would on drinking on Friday & Saturday which I achieved with a slight slip on the last Sunday where I had 2 beers. I felt it was a real success none the less.
This month I didn't set any goals but I told myself I would like to drink without getting drunk. I did well this last weekend but I did drink 4 days in row but my goal was not to get drunk & I achieved that.. I am practicing habits I would like to have.. Hope that doesn't sound weird?

Beating yourself is the first thing you could work on. Drinking does not define you girlfriend. Not by a long shot. I bet you if you made an honest list about the good things about you it would be really long...
It's easy to pick on ourselves about a hand full on shortcomings we *think* we have and put aside all the super fabulous things that we and others love about us.

Just from your post I could name three things I feel from you...
Caring
Thoughtful
Campassoinate

How are my psychic powers working???

Tell me more about what you drink and why and when.. Maybe we could set some goals together.

Remember what you did yesterday is all ready done... Can't take it back & no do overs...
Let's just focus on today and what kind of positive things we can pull from it.
All you can do is keep trying.. One of these trys is going to work I promise.
:hug:

[available]

Bri no one is disappointed in you. We all know what al does if it gets the chance, that is why we are on mwo as we need love and support and understanding. Head over to the newbies nest and say hello again. One day at a time is all we can do with al. I know i can never have that one sip or one drink or i will be back to where i dont want to be. you can do this.

[bkyogagurl]

Bri- I just want you to know I'm thinking of you no matter what you are doing.

XOXO
Bk

[briseus]

Hey guys - I am sorry for not responding sooner. I came home to my dog squirting out bloody diarrhea all over my newly cleaned carpet. :/ Ugh. Eff the carpet...I just feel terrible for her...
Anyways...BKYogaGurl - that's for the kind words that you said about me, I would like to think I am those things....I am such a negative thinker if you can't tell...
I used to drink about a litre and a half of wine a night...every night...and then I would be drinking all day on weekends...and sometimes would ditch work to just drink. Right now I am avoiding wine, so it's a few beers...I am not anywhere near to the point that I was at when I quit 7+ months ago, but I can see myself going down that road again.
I drink to get rid of those anxiety feelings and just overall feelings of shitty-ness.
Someone else said it on a thread...don't remember where....but it was me...to a T. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling HORRIBLE...and would wake up and go to work with a wicked hangover and say "I AM NOT DRINKING TONIGHT. This is day 1!! I am done!!" then five pm rolled around and I was feeling a bit better and thought 'what the heck, one won't hurt!!' but it was never one...
I think that is what I need to do, set goals...also speak with my partner because he helped me quit last time....it was hard as hell but it happened and I know I can do it again.
I am not sure I like the taste of it as much as I love that feeling....like so many have described here....like a warm blanket, like a hot bath...immerse yourself and just forget everything...like being underwater...nothing matters. I don't know why I want to be so outside myself that I do this....because I have a pretty good life! Of course I am not anywhere near where I want to be as of yet...but I was getting there without drinking...but I am back at it again.

Thanks Ava as well for your kind words. One day at a time....I am sitting here at home right now...I got home early today because I had to go to the vets...but I was going to start drinking at around 1:30pm...but didn't...I am trying to wait for as long as I can before cracking open a beer because I happened to get a gawddamn case last night and I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!

Addiction is so baffling. I don't want to be here and I want to cry for eff sakes...but I always come back to it.
How frustrating.

I will keep trying. I will never stop. I just wish it's sooner rather then later...I don't want it to get worse and then lose something because of it. I really don't.

[Blownaway]

"and then there is a super small part of me that is glad I did because I enjoy that high..."

That High is really more of a "relief/ sigh" to me. I guess it is all the same? But my body BEGS me to drink. It is really not my mind, for me. Does anyone else experience this demand from the chest/upper arms, to drink, like I do? Maybe I am a freak.

I wrap my arms around you, briseus, I oh so struggle, too.

[bkyogagurl]

Bri-

There a lot of us out there who have sworn of alcohol in the morning only to be seduced by it in the evening. I too was a fellow wine drinker but switched back to beer.
What kind of beer are you drinking? Micros or bud light/coors light?
I like it all but have recently switched to Michelob Ultra which has a bit less alcohol than bud light... I love micro brews like Belgium whites & seasonals like pumpkin.

But recently I said no more.. I would stick to MU. Something else I have been doing is drinking water either after a couple or along with with.

Could you maybe set a tiny goal tonight like just saying you will drink water with your beer? Or maybe say I will have two beers an hour? Those are things that kept me from getting wasted last weekend...

Have you wrote down the pros and cons that drinking provides you. I often just write down what I am feeling before I drink so I can reflect back on it in the morn. Even what I feel the first couple drinks.


I am so sorry your dog is sick. I sure hope he/she is feeling better. That's ruff.

I have to go for now but will check back in later.

Take care of you friend. XOXO

[Blownaway]

bky, if only there was no "morning into evening", if it was all morning/afternoons, (no booze,right) wouldn't it lovely? Ha, for me anyway - well, except for weekends!

[bkyogagurl]

How's my girlfriend today?

:love:

[briseus]

Thanks so much for your kind words BlownAway - I am right there with you - it does feel like a sigh...relief.....it does....but why?? When afterwards we just beat ourselves up. It's insane....

BK - thank you for checking on me...sorry it takes me a while to reply....baby girl (puppy dog) is doing a little better, she is on meds now....didn't have to clean the carpets today, thank goodness.

I am currently drinking...well, I don't even know, I am not a beer girl!! Well, I never was....but it's Molson Canadian...don't think that is lite beer...but I will drink bud light lime...and cider as well...
I did drink water between my beers last night....and so far my goal for tonight is to not drink that much either...
Why do we always manage to convince ourselves "oh, just start on Monday"...like with any diet or goal? Mind you I was going to start on Wednesday...then today...now I think 'heck, it's Friday tomorrow...why not?' or....that work is not going well and I need to forget...

I actually have written pros and cons down...the cons of drinking was a good two pages long while the pros were.....a couple bullets long...but yet..here I am again, eh? I won't drink tonight but it's now 8pm....
I didn't chug tonight....

Is it worth even planning on quitting on Monday? I know a lot of people say to start right now, pour it out...but I can't seem to do it...my body won't let me and if I get close to it then I begin to panic. :/ The anxiety kicks in....the anxiety kicks in anyways while drinking too but it gets worse when I feel like someone is going to pour my poison down the drain, which has happened...and I have been told I am pathetic....

But yes, BK. I am setting goals now after reading your message...and it's a little better...I really hope to have a day one on Monday. I hope you are doing well...how do you get through the week?

[bkyogagurl]

Bri- I'm so glad you checked in and so glad to hear sweet puppy is feeling better.
Looked up your beer and it is a bit heavier. I have been having much success so far with lighter beer probably because I get bloated before drunk. It seems to be working and I like it and my results so far....plus it only has 2 carbs per can.. BONUS!

Ok... So here is the first thing I noticed in your post... You aren't chugging.. Better right.
So let's look at this as progress.. Even if you end up getting drunk you were conscious enough to not chug... At least for a while.

You have to be ready to make your own changes in your life and your drinking habits. It doesn't matter what people say... You and you alone have to want to stop or make changes or keep drinking.. People can tell you to stop right now but if you are not there all it will do is create shame toward yourself and that will keep you drinking and drinking to get away from the shame you feel because you aren't like someone else who could just stop..

I get thru the week because I have kids to care for & I feel I owe them a sober mom on days they have school.. Have I always been like this no f*cking way... But one of the steps or changes for a month I made was that I would not drink on school nites. Have I slipped yes but I have made a lot more AF free days than slipped days. I am now trying to *practice* drinking more moderately and not getting drunk. Not because moderation is my goal it's just I have had such shitty luck trying to be *sober* for X amount of days and every time I do get some AF days under my belt it feels like white-knuckling it... Then comes the huge ass binge..

Sooooo... I'm trying a different approach than most and doing what I call *practicing better drinking habits* I do hope some day I be able to attain more and more AF time but for now I will be doing this.

I had 2 1/2 beers tonight.. I couldn't finished the 3rd for some odd reason just didn't feel like drinking it. Here's the kicker I would normally drink over that feeling to stop but tonight I listened to it and respected it and myself.
I do a lot of self help reading and have been trying meditation the last couple of days. I don't know if it's already helping but wouldn't that be nice..
We will see how the rest of the weekend plays out..
Tonight was a complete success.

But here is one of the best pieces of advice I can give is....
Not to beat yourself up every time you drink. It does nothing but destroy your self worth.
It took me along time and a lot of practice saying to myself.....

I forgive you... You did your best today and that is enough.
You are enough today.

Bri- where ever you are and what ever you are doing feel a big hug wrapped around you
And know that you are trying and putting thoughts into your head that will felicitate change if you just keep trying...

XOXO

Ps. One more thing that is helping me I am learning to love myself just as I am today. Today. Not when I get skinnier, not when I make more money, not when one of my kids graduates Harvard, TODAY just as I am..

[bkyogagurl]

bky, if only there was no "morning into evening", if it was all morning/afternoons, (no booze,right) wouldn't it lovely? Ha, for me anyway - well, except for weekends!

Blown.... You are lucky if you don't crave AL in the morn or afternoon. Seems when I drink heavily the night before- the first thing... Right after I tell myself I'm never drinking again ... I start thinking about getting rid of the anxiety and hangover with... You guessed it..
Another drink..

And I love to drink in the early afternoons especially when vacationing.

I have been successful in NOT doing this anymore. The last time I tried drinking in the morn after a rough night I felt worse. Like death worse.
And I am glad it did because it really made me think.


Take care of you.

[briseus]

Congrats on only having a couple of beers last night...I had five...hmm...but it was better than 8.

I really liked where you wrote that you are taking the time to love yourself, read self-help books, meditate...I did a lot of that when sober...and I need to implement that into my daily routine again. I am not sure where exactly I fell off, probably with all that is going on in my day to day life, I just felt overwhelmed and wanted that moment of relaxation. The only problem is the anxiety the next day is worse.
I am going to agree with you and say that it is important to not beat yourself up - but easier said than done right? I do it every morning. But then every evening I am back at it....
Last month I was sober...then beginning October that first week I drank every day, but not a lot...then sober again for another week and now back to drinking every night. My goal is to NOT drink during the day on the weekends....especially on Sunday...as I do this starting in the morning (why I really don't know, anxiety??) and end up feeling absolutely horrible on Monday and calling in sick (and sometimes getting drunk then too).
So that is what I am going to work on. Not getting sh!tfaced this weekend....
So these are my goals.
1) Not drinking during the day this weekend - start after 5pm
2) Drink lite beer if I can
3) Start my AF journey once again starting Monday

I can't keep feeling this way. I can't keep living this way!!

I did have a question though...does anyone hide their drinking and like it? I feel like I get a thrill when I am able to drink during the day and no one knows about it. Or at least I think no one does...
I did that last weekend and felt guilty for doing it...but that was last weekend and I can't think about it anymore - as ashamed as I still feel.
I will work on these goals this weekend...what do you think BK?
Thanks for really being there for me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
-Bri
xoxo