Relapse-Anxiety-Guilt

[bkyogagurl]

Bri-

5 is WAY better than 8!! :goodjob:

I like your news goals.. I think implementing them one at a time is key.
Work on this weekend goal of not drinking til after 5pm.
Not getting shitfaced is fabulous too.. I have found working on one goal at a time have worked best for me.

I am wondering about your thrill of hiding your drinking. It almost sounds like you are rebelling in secret again something. Do have a controlling element in your life that makes you angry?

I know it's hard not to beat yourself up.. It takes a lot of practice but it's worth it.

Take care of you.

[Byrdlady]

Alcohol is alcohol, just a different wrapper. I was a vodka drinker, tried to quit, couldnt and decided it would he better if I drank wine, after all, i didnt have a problem with that....until I did. Over the course of a few weeks I was sneaking it and drinking it like there was no tomorrow. We are AL Addicts. We get that awful feeling because we need a fix. We feel better when we get the fix, until we finish it and want another one. The moral of the story is that one drink of AL, no what what carrier is in, in feeding the addiction. I've been around here longer than I would like to admit, and the only way i have ever anyone triumph over AL is to NOT consume it. AT all. Get yourself back on board! Take it from me, there is a hard way to do this and an easier one. Quit and stay quit, no matter what. Its the only way! Anything else is self inflicted torture! See you over in the nest. Byrdie

[bkyogagurl]

Your funny byrdlady... What great advice..

If it was that simple there would be no alcoholics.....


Bri- how's my friend today?

[Byrdlady]

BK, we make it harder than it has to be. I DID take the long road, I fought it tooth and nail, but at the end of the day, the result was the same.....I had to stop drinking.
I could have saved myself YEARS of despair if I had listened to others here. I thought I knew better and that I was different. Unfortunately, when it comes to addiction, we are all the same. The road we choose to get there is key. I have learned to listen to the people who are achieving what I want, I dont have to learn everything the hard way. And
THAT has been a real blessing. B

[available]

I have to add my 2 cents worth for what its worth but all i can see is the planning, the hoping not to drink that day, the having one or two and losing to three or four, not drinking during certain hours, stopping on a day ending with a Y in it, hiding it, feeling ashamed, guilty, remorseful, anxious. Everything that i felt when i was drinking or wanting to moderate. It doesnt work for an alcoholic, if we drink we feed the addiction. we can try and find good things about having the one or two drinks but who are we fooling at the end of the day? Ourselves. We are the only ones hurting ourselves, putting ourselves on a merry-go-round that wont stop unless we stop the madness.

You have had the af days Bri so who are you trying to convince that you are doing ok with the lite beers, that its not as much as before, and you arent as bad as previously. You know in your heart that its a matter of time before you get the total "fark its" and go back to what you were. Stop now. Go to the drs with your anxiety and get help. My anxiety was through the roof, i was becoming addicted to xanax for my anxiety. But i had every excuse that it was not al. he was my best friend, my confidante my everything but he was killing me also. At the end of my drinking days my life was shit, total and utter, no other words for it. Anxiety, depression, diahhorea, dry wretching, shaking, nausea, could not eat, sores that would not heal, bleeding and swollen gums, helplessness, hopelessness, no money, children backing away. That is what al gave me but i took it all back, every single fucking thing i took back and he will never ever take anything off me again.

You may think i had it easy when i gave up but i went through hell and back like everyone else on here. we are no different to each other, the amount of al one drinks is not important. the important thing is we are bonded by addiction to al and we do understand. I have gotten to where i am by the support on here, realising that i cant be the "only one" that can moderate. Accept what i am, an alcoholic and fight with every ounce of strength and will and determination daily to not drink. The first six months were a roller coaster ride but i want my life, i want my children, i want my mother, i want to love myself again, i want to respect myself again and i want to live how i should have done 20 years ago. But in the end only you can make the choice to drink or not too. I listened to the long termers and i have learnt that what they say is not full of shite but the complete and honest truth and now at 10+ months i feel i am well on the way to being totally sober for ever. I think of relapse often but i have my plans in place and my support network and i will fight every single day to win, i hope you make that decision also.

[Alky]

I'm probably going to pilloried for saying this, but relapse after stinking relapse has taught me that recovery is impossible without a strong support network. When you are having a compulsion to drink, I don't think that coming to an internet message board is a substitute for speaking with a person in real time. That's why AA gives you a list of phone numbers a mile long so that someone will pick up when you need them most. I am skeptical of people who say "MWO is my AA" for that reason. And I'm not saying AA is the end all, it's just the support network that has seemed to have worked for the largest number of people.

Unfortunately, relapse is often a part of the recovery process, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, though it is demoralizing.

[Pavati]

Bri--

I hope you can get back on this wagon sooner rather than later. Cutting back is good, but quitting is better. No more counting, deals, sneaking, hoping, etc. It took me a lot of fighting with myself, too, but in the end just giving up and admitting I had to quit was what worked. I am wondering if all through your last long quit you kept it in your head that someday you would drink again? If so, it may have been harder than necessary. Taking that "some day" option off the table, yet taking it all one day at a time, has been key for me, too.

Alky - I don't think you'll be pilloried - all we can do is say what works for us. I have found a mix of MWO AND some numbers I can call and people in person have been enough for me. I am not brave enough yet to go to a meeting in my small community, but so far my formula has worked for me. I agree that some "real life" safety nets are key.

Good to see you, too, BK!

Pav

[briseus]

Is that what it is then? Because all throughout my time being sober I thought to myself that maybe one day I could go back to normal drinking?
My sober days weren't incredibly difficult - maybe the first couple of weeks but after the cravings went away and I knew that I couldn't drink....but I also took it one day at a time.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to write to me.

I definitely want to stop. And plan on quitting tomorrow for good.
That's my plan.
I need my support system back on board because they think that I am not an alcoholic and that its "not as bad as it once was" and I beat this - mind you they don't know how I am feeling inside nor the sneaking around. It's not as bad as before, no, but the behavioral patterns are still there.

Do I have to go in with the mentality of NEVER AGAIN?

I did string along 200+ sober days....so what is holding me back this time?
But I see what you are all saying...it's myself.
If only it were that easy.
I just feel like implementing this weekend plan will slowly get me back? I think I want to show myself that I have some self control. Probably because I just don't want to come to terms with the fact that I lost it....

On another note, BK, I did wait...usually I drink all day and I held off until late afternoon. Not 5. But 4. And I had some cider. I didn't get shitfaced and went to bed and took care of my now sick man.
Everyone is getting sick.

I hate this.
I hate waking every morning with good intentions, I hate the internal struggle, I hate my own disappointment and the feelings of hatred toward myself instead of AL. I hate feeling weak. I hate when 5 rolls around and I seemingly can't remember what it was I promised myself that morning.
I really hate this. I don't want to go on like this all my life.

I called my addictions counselor to see if she will take me in Monday. We will see.
I also bought a big tub of ice cream to get me through the cravings.

Thank you again to everyone for the advice. And allowing me to vent on here and keep coming back. Relapse is a part of recovery. And this is my first big one. But that doesn't mean it's a free for all. So I will get back up and on my little pink wagon.

Bri

[bkyogagurl]

Thanks for this Alky.. You have put a bug in my ear. I do need to find people I can call for support. I tried a few AA meetings in my area and they felt super weird and uncomfortable.
There is a womens group that isn't based on AA that I really liked. Maybe I should get back to that. I am thinking that I should get back into counseling. I feel I am so close to really being able to stop. I just think I need some extra help and tools.

Thanks again.. I love valuable advice.

I'm probably going to pilloried for saying this, but relapse after stinking relapse has taught me that recovery is impossible without a strong support network. When you are having a compulsion to drink, I don't think that coming to an internet message board is a substitute for speaking with a person in real time. That's why AA gives you a list of phone numbers a mile long so that someone will pick up when you need them most. I am skeptical of people who say "MWO is my AA" for that reason. And I'm not saying AA is the end all, it's just the support network that has seemed to have worked for the largest number of people.

Unfortunately, relapse is often a part of the recovery process, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, though it is demoralizing.

[Alky]

Do I have to go in with the mentality of NEVER AGAIN?

Bri, for whatever it's worth, in my opinion that is the least productive mentality to have in recovery. Relapse after relapse after relapse after relapse, I finally just gave in and thought, "I may never beat this, but I will never stop trying." "Never again" just gives you a club with which you can beat yourself up if you fail. Just my $.02.

[Byrdlady]

Bri, I have a question for you. It is a simple YES or No question. It doesn't require qualification of any kind, just a one word answer. Would you say you are an alcoholic?

[Stewarts]

Bri, I went through all of your posts and I can definitely relate. If you were able to go 200+ days its a good sign. I don't know enough about your history to know if you're an alcoholic, but I understand your feelings of disappointment and anxiety within yourself. I actually had them today, for what it's worth. I agree with whoever said avoiding the "NEVER AGAIN" notion, you're just setting yourself up to be disappointed then. Is there something going in you life effecting your goals? I know with me, if I "sway" away, not all the time, but a lot of times it's because of something going on in my life effecting my mood or triggering my depression.

My last big stint went about 3 weeks. I'll admit, lately I've been having a little bit too much fun. I don't drink every day and most of the time it's under control. Something from my past came into my life last night, after having a great night out, and doing something very nice for someone, and knowing they appreciated it, this thing from my past walked in and I had to deal with it...and I did. I did in a way that made myself proud....but it had me staying out later wanting to unwind and pathetically "congratulate" myself, only to feel bad today.

I don't if you can empathize with any of this or not, I hope you can. If you're still feeling strung, try to get ALOT of rest. Whether you stay alone or have someone with you is up to you. I tend to like to stay alone, take a long shower, and veg it front of the TV curled up with a blanket...it just works for me....I drink chamomile tea also, and hope the TV puts me into slumber.

People here care about you. You can never disappoint here. People want to support you here.

Let everyone know how you are.

j.

[treetops]

Bri - it took me years to quit AL for good - and I can't say for certain that I will never pick up a drink again. I don't want to, don't intend to - but I am conscious of our human frailty, how the moment can appear to seize us, and the pressures we face. But my worst demons are not - not drinking - or even drinking - but pain and loss. And getting old - like really old. Things I don't want to share a lot on MWO. I can only say however that I felt such relief at some point after I quit 2 years ago - genuine relief - to get rid of the millstone of AL, the grip it had on me, the future it was planning for me - not the future I was looking towards for myself and those I love. But to get to saying NO - was for me - a long long time - with a lot of heartache and mess along the way. I can't however say however for certain that I want to reverse those years. Thats not how I see my past.
Enough of me - rabbiting on - I want to say that there is so much pain in your posts (at least my reading) and the AL is a big, not all, part of this. From my reading of your posts - you want to stop. It really messes you around. Don't think about the rest of your life or forever, but think about now and the near future. You may always be one of those people who vacilate but the odds seem to be so much saying that you want to quit. I think this will be bring you more peace. Excuse me please if I have spoken out of line - but all is said with the warmest intent - as much as one can through this medium.

[briseus]

Alky - you are totally right..this is what is stopping myself from..well, stopping...because I can't handle that feeling sometimes...but that's just it, right? It's just a feeling...it will pass. I do remember how uncomfortable I was the first week or two of sobriety...but I can't sit and thing 'never again' - I can only focus on one day at a time, that is something very important I must remember to get back on this.

Byrdie - I am pretty sure that is a yes. I would like for it to be a no...but it's not.

Stewarts - I definitely understand what you're saying and those reasons were some reasons I had relapsed in the past....I think this time, after being 8+ months sober I became utterly complacent...I thought - like a lot of people do - that I had these beat...that I was golden and could have a couple and would be fine...and you know, in the beginning I could have one beer and leave it for another week...but then it just sort of spiraled out of control - they weren't kidding when they say it's progressive...I just went right back to the way I was drinking..maybe not with my poison of choice (wine) but the obsessional thinking and analyzing and old thought patterns popped right back up. So I don't believe it was any one event...I think it was the fact that I thought I had this.....but I didn't...or rather, don't.

TreeTops - you are definitely not out of line and I appreciate your post. You are right...honestly, putting this much thought and effort into drinking is exhausting. It does bring me a lot of pain....but relief at the same time? You know? Brings me pain thinking about it and going out and getting it - I hate myself for it - and then I drink and all is okay...and then the next morning it's right back into that feeling of guilty, shame, anxiety, depression....the same old song and dance. I know I can't think about the future...and I can't think about the past either...I gotta focus on now. I was so much happier sober...there were days where I missed it, sure...but why?? I relapsed...when back to what I thought I 'missed' and wished I never took that first sip.
Alcohol is definitely the biggest culprit...it's destroying me from the inside out. But for whatever reason I can't get away....but I do desperately want to.

Do you guys believe we can have addictive personalities? I am sure that this has been brought up before...but I often ask myself why I want to get so OUTSIDE of myself..like I do or feel like when drinking.
I don't know....

I do want to say thanks for you guys allowing me to just ramble on and vent. I WILL beat this.......I really want to. I can go back to my sober ways...I did it before, right??

[frances]

Hi Bri - just checking in. YES you can do it again! You need to get a plan in place, use the tools you used before - get your substitutions in place. What will you do instead? I am at 240 days and I still don't think never. I just take it one day at a time. I know I can't drink again but never is very daunting to me. So I just don't think it- I just think, "just for today". And all those thoughts about controlling it...well, I never really wanted to control it I always wanted at least 'a few', so there is a saying I learned on here that always helps me there too "if only one, why not none". Right? I think so!

And I have never had any regrets. I might think it will be difficult in a social situation, but then that day comes and goes and I am always glad I did not drink. And I am incredibly happy each day when I am not feeling crappy because I drank too much the day before - I am so grateful for that and for not being tired and for not being constantly preoccupied with when I can have a drink, whether the event I'm going to will have drinks, etc.

Sorry I don't mean to make this all about me - hopefully it will help you think more about the benefits of not drinking and get back to being AF.

All the best to you. YES you can do it again!