Relapse-Anxiety-Guilt

[danpeet]

Keep it up Bri! First month of the year will end soon and I look forward to your progress and I can feel that you are doing better. Congratulation. I remember my recovering days reading this thread. I also made a lot of positive changes after years. I'm glad to share I also maintain to have a sober holiday last year. My withdrawal days before had been very tough for me and I can't spend a happy holidays because I have to endure pain and temptation. I've been away from my family to avoid distractions and to start a new life I needed to seek Drug Abuse Rehabilitation Vallejo CA for treatment. I wish you well and achieve a joyful life ahead. Never forget to bring optimism and faith with you.

[treetops]

Dear Bri - just checking in to see how its all going. I don't think you need to consider a rehab in California!
Are you seeing the counsellor these days? Bit worried about you not being on MWO lately.

[GradeT]

hi bri.

i had read your post, and the other's also. I'm wondering how's everything going on?

[YouKayBee]

Hope you are doing ok, sometimes the time after Christmas can be just as difficult.

[briseus]

Hi Everyone....
I was avoiding the site for a bit because I had slipped up again....I feel like if I keep coming back and posting about my slip ups that it doesn't help anyone...I also don't need any negative comments (which I have received in the past) because that doesn't help my situation any.
To be honest...it doesn't help that I no longer work. I have all this free time...and there are days that are better then others...but then there are days where I don't feel strong enough.
I do feel myself sliding into a depression...my anxiety is through the roof and all this extra time alone doesn't help my OCD.
I also didn't hear from my counsellor for a while and ended up calling her to see where we are with the outpatient program...she completely forgot to follow-up. So...there is nothing there right now...and she told me to call and figure it out and let her know. ??? Okay...well...I am not giving up so I WILL be doing that.
I need to keep busy...start a routine. I joined a gym...and make up lists in the morning (to-do) so that my day is filled...and that I don't have any extra time. I have also gained weight...and hate Winter...see? Excuses excuses.

I know what I need to do....but it's hard to do it when you're dealing with a billion other things. No excuse. I realize. A slip up is always just an excuse to keep drinking...because for those mere moments....everything shuts up. Of course it doesn't make anything better.
I know I have disappointed a lot of people. I am quite ashamed of myself as well. I dwell on the past....am afraid of the future...and am self-sabotaging. I realize.
I know it's not healthy either to be in this negative frame of mind....

Anyways....got in touch with another counsellor....and have an appointment with a psych....and hope to get into this program soon.

I hope you all are doing better then me.
It's nowhere near as bad as it was before my 8 months sober....but it's progressive, right? It can only get worse if I don't get my shit together.

Sorry guys.

[briseus]

PS. For the newbies...there IS A LIGHT at the end of the tunnel!!! I did 8 months sober...so can you!! I am just going through a whole bunch of shit right now and I am only one person...so I hope my posts aren't discouraging YOU because they shouldn't. This is just MY journey. I have a huge desire to quit drinking....but I also need to get all my other shit together in order to do that...so....I wish everyone well....it can be done. It was done before! I am optimistic....there is still that small part of optimism in me. So no...I am NOT giving up.

[treetops]

Yes, Bri you can do this. Glad you checked in. It can be a nightmare chasing up appointments etc. If its any consolation in Feb 2012 it was clear I had serious health problems with AL and saw my GP - thought I had a recovery programme at the ready - but it took until until around July 2012 before I was starting to get sorted. I had to chase up appointments - not just with a counsellor but also with specialists for the physical stuff (months to get an appointment with a liver specialist). The process was truly abysmal (and I was prepared to pay privately) and almost seemed designed to induce excuses for not quitting and giving up. And I was working full-time in a stressful job. This was in NZ.
So what I am saying is that it can take a lot of grit to get the support you need. Hang on in there and keep us posted!

[briseus]

Thanks TT.
Yes...it definitely can be difficult to get the support and opinions that you need. I am going through my fair share of health problems at the moment...which they are unable to figure out. The thing is...I said to them they have to figure it out...I KNOW there is something not right....so they need to tell me what it is. So I am going for more tests and whatnot.

No booze in the house today. So let's hope this works out in my favor...just dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety right now. It's the worst. Haven't had it this bad in a long while. Thank you for the support TT. I appreciate it.

[treetops]

Good to hear from you Bri. Yes have those tests. I found it made me also feel that I was actively doing something. Even if it just rules things out. The frustrating thing is that drs often can't be 100 percent sure.
Take the anxiety in little steps. That is, each little bit you get through helps even if it seems. insurmountable. I am sure that not having paid work makes it all worse
Take care

[mama bear]

hang in there Bri:heartbeat:

[briseus]

Thanks TT and Mama. <3
I have more tests on Monday...and a job interview today...wish me luck. Today is a bit better. I am hoping February is a better month for me.

[treetops]

Heaps of Luck with the Job Interview. Sending a package of fairy dust all the way from the South Pole!:thumbsup:

[briseus]

Thank you TT!! I think I did well! I studied all morning for it....and I was supposed to hear back next week...but instead heard back the next hour!! I have a second interview! <3 Let's hope this goes fabulously!
I definitely don't think being at home all the time...alone...is the best for my sobriety at this point. I need to be doing something.
Will keep you posted!

[treetops]

Good luck Bri and let us know how it goes.

[briseus]

Got the job! Hopefully this will set me straight. I need a routine...and not be home alone all day with my thoughts and a liquor store across the street. :/ I am optimistic. This'll be good for me.