rehab next week or something else?

[Louis]

Hi,

I’m struggling with addiction since i was 18 or so. I’m 26 now. To make a very long story short. I drink and smoke pot every evening, I never use during the day. I tried to quit drinking and smoking for many times but it never worked longer than a couple of days. I tried baclofen 2 times, it worked perfectly for cravings, I was very lucky that I had no cravings at all anymore at only 40 mg, but I couldn’t handle the extreme tiredness that it gave me. I couldn’t even do something after dinner in the evening or go sporting because I felt so tired and weird.

But now for the first time I realize that I have to work on deeper emotional issues instead of just trying to quit using. I just came back from a 3 month travel in Asia, i thought traveling alone and going on a spiritual path could help me. I learned meditation there, I did a 10 day vipasanna also. But the whole trip was 1 struggle again, I smoked pot almost every evening, I wanted to quit, I cried almost every day because I felt so poor inside. I couldn't enjoy nature, nothing, i felt unhappy all the time.

Now 2 weeks after the trip it is even worse, for the first time in my life I feel really depressed, I cry every single day, I have very negative thoughts, and I cant stop smoking pot or drinking in the evening, i try to quit everyday but the craving gets so bad in the evening i can not think abouth anything else. I listen to Eckhart Tolle every day, I try meditation everyday, but I feel I need help, its going into the wrong direction.

Can someone pleas give me any advice on what I think I can do, because I’m so bad at making decisions and follow my intuition because I don’t feel what would be the best for me.

1) I’ve been reading a lot abouth ayahuasca or other psilocybin treatments. The reason that I’m so interested in it is because I really have the feeling I’m stuck. I don’t know why I actually drink and smoke, I don’t know why I’m always so restless, I don’t know where my unhappiness comes fromes, etc. And I have the feeling that something like that can really make me see things that I can never see otherwise. So I can for example go to Peru and do a 10 day ayahuasca session. I emailed a centre there with my story and they replied that they really think it can help me so much. Maybe they want money i dont know, but the email he sended me back sounded very compassionate and he had many persons like me who came there and it totally changed there live and addiction problem. I also start to realise that i "dont really have an addiction problem", its something way more deeper. Because for example in the 10 day vipassana i didnt have a problem with not smoking pot or drinking.. But once i came out i had so much anxiety again and i dont know.

2) Second thing I consider is going to a rehab. Because at this moment I feel really really really bad, and I have to do something this week, as soon as possible, and being in an environment where I would be clean for 1 month will definitely help for me. But the problem is that I still believe my addiction is also kind off a disease, since I know the craving is totally gone when I take baclofen. And I have the feeling I will spent 10000 euros just to be clean for 1 month. Offcourse I will probably go deeper into my emotions there and so on but I don’t know if in long term view this really is a solution for me. But I informed myself and I can go to south-africa next week, to this rehab: www.akeso.co.za
Does anyone knows this rehab? I saw other rehabs to for example in thailand "dara", or the cabin in chiang mai. I just hope if i go to south-africa and spent so much money that it will be worth it.

3) And than last thing is maybe going back to India for example and stay in an ashram and be clean and talk with people and so on.

4) Or another thing is trying baclofen again, but the thing with baclofen is that than again I don’t go deeper into myself, and maybe that’s something I have to try first?
I know I sound a little bit chaotic, but I really feel lost, the last month was horrible for me and for the first time in my life I have suicidal thoughts, I ask myself questions why I actually still live, why don’t just give up the fight and go to sleep forever.

As u can find I posted here 3 years ago when I first started out baclofen. And now 3y later nothing has changed, it only gets worser, I feel more unhappy, and my addiction problem is still the same. So now I really wanna do everything to try to fix it, I have time to do it I quitted my job, and I really really really want to change, but I want this for 6 years or so already.

Maybe i should just start up 15 mg baclofen a day now because i know that helps me with my negative feelings but i dont know now anymore. I feel so bad.

Thanks for any help or advice, feel free to ask me questions and have a nice day.

(also the reason i suffer so much now is because my girlfriend broke up with me couple of months ago after 2y, and i feel so so lonely now and pff. But i know its because i dont find inner hapiness that i suffer so hard, its not about her but it hurts me so much)


Louis

[Eloise]

Louis, sorry you are feeling like this.
Where do you live? It seems a bit drastic to do all the traveling you are bringing up, especially when you are feeling so distraught.

Why not see your family doctor on Monday and discuss openly how you are feeling and let him/her advise what steps to take? I think you do need to seek professional advice and work towards a solution.

I am sure with support you can break this cycle.

[Louis]

Eloise,

i live in Belgium. I talked with my doctor last week and with my mindfulness coach. They both agreed it would be a good idea to go a rehab. Because i'm not able to find a grip on my life now alone. I feel to lonely for that. I just dont know if i really "need" a rehab of 10000 euro's because i drink 2 glasses of red wine or smoke a joint every evening. But its my emotional problems that has to be solved. I dont love myself anymore, and i always look for hapiness in external things. But alone i feel like nothing will change.

kind regards

[Eloise]

Hi Louis- didnt your doctor recommend medication and therapy for your depression and anxiety?
So, you are looking for a rehab that will be less expensive than in Belgium, makes sense but I think travel might add to your anxiety. You might feel even more alone abroad.

You said you tried to quit without success. Ask for Baclofen again?
I managed to quit using the tools found on this site, I drank for a long time. I had to make up my mind I was going to stop no matter what. That took a long time to get there.
If you can stop the drink/ drugs then you can start to tackle the emotional issues.
Ask yourself if you are really ready to stop?

[Louis]

I have baclofen at home. But for some reason i don't wanna take medication again. I have the feeling i need to work on myself instead of taking medication. And i had so many side effects from baclofen. I was so tired during the day and i couldnt sleep at night, i hated it so hard that i stopped taking it.
What do u mean by if i'm really ready to stop?

kind regards

[Eloise]

Well, it took me 7 years to make the decision to quit wine. I wanted to keep drinking without the worry, guilt, ugly overdoing it bagage that came with drinking.
I wanted to be a controlled drinker.
I couldnt imagine life without wine.
I started and stopped sooo many times until I knew my world was going to fall apart if I did not take the lead role in my life.
That is what I mean about being ready to stop. it was a long road for me to finally get there.

Go back to the doctor.... Tell him you need a referral for a therpist... A psychiatrist...Maybe they can start you with therapy and a mood stabilizer.... ?? How about hit an AA meeting just to see what might happen? Could be a first step....?

[Guitarista]

Hi Louis.

Sounds like nothing has worked so far except your time spent in India? Rehab is never a sure thing for us, but you will learn some useful things about yourself there during the program if you decide to go. India and Peru sound like learning experiences too.

Your attitude sounds positive and pro-active about getting sober and staying sober. The rehab will challenge you and take you out of your comfort zone, and getting uncomfortable can be necessary for positive change to happen within us.

But if you feel a psychologist or weekly counselling would be better suited to you to explore some stuff, go for that.

All the best whatever you decide friend. Know that you can get clean, stay that way, and live a happy full life. Go for it. G

[Louis]

Hi to all the people who are helping me,

thank you for your replies.

I decided to go to rehab, i booked my flight to south-Africa next Saturday. Otherwise i will be thinking and thinking and thinking about what to do. Getting sober alone isn't possible for me now, and i have the feeling i really need help. I wanna work on my depression, on my anxiety, and on my addiction. I'm 26y old, i'm struggling now almost 8y with it, all my goals and things i wanna achieve never happen because of my addiction and i'm sick and tired of it. I wanna be happy again, not even extremely happy, just content with what is, but i need to get clean first and work on my emotional issues. After that i can still go to India or Peru sober. If i would go there now i will definitely drink or smoke again.

The reason i don't do it in Belgium (even everything is payed back here so it wouldnt cost me anything), is because i feel like "ok i go on a plane to south-Africa and my plan is to get clean and work on it". If i would do it in Belgium its to close to my ex-girlfriend, its in my language, and i don't know i feel good with the thought that i go to south-Africa to work on it. So maybe for the first time in my life i follow my intuition.

I'm a little scared for what is going to happen. I wont bring my phone or ipad or anything i think because i really wanna disconnect with everything for a while to go really deeper into myself. Going on facebook in a rehab doesn't seem like a smart idea for me.

What i'm also "scared" of if that as u know I tried baclofen 2 times and it really worked. And i read Ameisen his book and i can follow him so hard if he is saying that addiction is a disease and and u also don't take a diabetic patient his medication away and so on. And that he also went so many times to rehabs but everytime he came out the craving came back. But i really want to give it a shot to try it without baclofen. I'm 26y old, maybe if i really try now to get clean and find answers to some questions, it will maybe work without baclofen. And if it doenst work i can try other solutions. I don't have expectations that the rehab will suddenly fix all my problems, but i feel it can't do harm and i can only learn things there.

If u have any comments or advice pleas let me know. I'm still here for a week.

Kind regards

[autumn]

Louis, I was trying to post this (below) for you, just before you posted about going into rehab. Well done on making that brave step. As you say, you can only learn from it. Fingers crossed, we'll be here rooting for you.


Thanks Mollyka, you have just given such sound advice and saved me a whole load of trying to explain, you worded it spot on.

If you have just been traveling you are bound to be feeling really flat and down to be back. But unfortunately this is real life! Maybe it would be a good moment for you to to try take back control.

Louis, I have struggled with Al for years, and was always hanging my hopes on a quick magic fix that would have the answers. This is just in MHO, and I hope it helps.

I have tried many a retreat in India, and others (not rehab, granted) but each one offered spiritual 'fixing' done the meditation/yoga/find yourself holistic treatments galore - retreats to death. I even qualified as a Reflexologist and got my Reiki 1 & 2!! All hoping to be fixed, healed, happy, spiritual.......the list could go on. But none of them 'fixed' my Al problem. They just left me feeling broken and so down and desperate to change.

I was always looking for some thing that must fix me and leave me with answers and to be meaningful. I complicated what should of been very simple.

In the end, my 'magic fix' was reaching out and asking for help from people with tried & tested methods......the Al Key workers and accessing services. And I had to put in the hard work too, who'd of guessed! I had to face up to the chaos my drinking life was causing, and re-train my thinking. This was done by really facing up to my drinking and laying it bare as to where it was going and how it was going to end. It was messy.

So maybe rehab would be a great option to try. I strongly believe in trying anything till you find what works for you, be it rehab, retreat or reaching out. I hope your doing well and this helps. Happy to offer any help I can.

Keep us posted on how your doing, we are all here for each other

Kindest
Autumn

[Louis]

Hey Autumn. Wow your story sounds so familiar to mine. I was even looking up to do Reiki training in india and all these things. But i think i realise that an external thing wont fix my problems. What is it eventually that made the change in your situation? All the other things didnt work. Was it a rehab also? Or which method eventually helped?

Thank you all for the kind words, i feel a bit better.

Louis

[autumn]

Hi Louis,

I think we may have a similar story.

I hit rock bottom big time. There was nothing left to come galloping in to fix me, apart from me. I was offered rehab after having a week hospital detox. But I wanted to give it one last heart and sole quit, actually using all the tools I'd picked up. So rehab for me was only 1 final step away.

I just had to face up to the cold hard facts that had become my car-crash life and change. Every time the urge to drink was there I replayed the final week as to how I ended up in hospital. It is thankfully enough to remind me I don't ever ever want to go back to those days. Life is so much less complicated when you remove Al. It's been a bumpy ride. The other thing I did was to fiercely 'protect my quit' and not put my self in any situations that might compromise it or give me an excuse to drink.

I still want to do yoga daily, I would love to master meditation! And oh do I dream of a beach in India!

Just be very very kind to yourself, Louis. You are doing a really positive thing, but you will have to put in the hard work too. Especially after you come out. There will be so many little changes you need to make and each day is a work in progress. But hang in there its worth it.
Try to take it easy when you come out. I was only in a week, but luckily I could rest as I was tired tearful and quite overwhelmed. Please be prepared, it will pass. I can't rave enough about sleeping and starting to eat properly.

Do you work? Can you take time off? Do you have some one to come home to? Please go easy on yourself this week. Are you flying by yourself?

Hope your doing ok and hanging in there, we're all here rooting for you

kindest
Autumn

[Louis]

Hey Autumn,

i quitted my job 6 months ago to work on myself. I was almost back with my ex-girlfriend. We had a wonderfull time together for 3y, but my addiction and not knowing myself pushed her away. I thought if i travel to asia for 3 months and learn meditation and more about myself that we would be back together. But she realized while i was gone that she is more happy without me. And i can understand it that she finally realize that there is more in life than just me. She is young also and has made new friends and a new life. But now i'm back home since 4 weeks and i can't handle the pain. I feel so lonely, every cell in my body is dying from pain. I cry every single day. I always see the images of me and her from the past and can't stop thinking about us. Thats my main problem now, not the drinking or smoking pot. I feel really depressed, my parents want me to go to a doctor today to take antidepressants but i dont want to. Its strange to tell but i know that she still loves me deep inside but she doesnt want to get hurt again i know that. She has chosen another direction in her life but i'm here now alone and desperate. I wish i could turn back the time. But she doesnt even want to see or hear me now and its so hard for me. I can't sleep also, last night i didnt sleep 1 minute. Maybe tonight i should take half of a sleeping pill. Cause i dont wanna drink or smoke.
But i feel worse and worse and worse, for the first time i really have suicidal thoughts because i don't see any joy anymore in my life. All my joy was with her, we did everything together, we shared all our moments with each other, my soul mate is gone.

kind regards

Louis

[Louis]

Does someone think i can take baclofen for my depression feelings? Or isn't that the right medicin for it

[Louis]

Is there someone who can talk to me on skype or in a chat conversation? I feel really bad i'm serious i don't know what to do all i do is crying how is this possible. I used to be the most positive guy ever a couple of years ago.

[available]

Louis my advice is to go to the drs pronto. You sound severely depressed. Fix yourself first and you never know your ex may want to come back when she sees you are serious in getting your life under control. i wish you the best of luck and please go and see a medical practitioner. Taking anti depressants is nothing to be ashamed about and neither is asking and receiving help.

Let us know how you go please.

Linda