rehab next week or something else?

[autumn]

Hi Louis,

How you doing today? I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rotten time at the moment. Especially the dark thoughts. Did you manage to get to a Dr? There is not just meds, can they offer for you to see some one to talk about how you feel & to try to help you deal with everything? It all sounds really overwhelming.

Available is right, your ex might be interested once she sees you get yourself sorted. That has to be your main priority, you. You said your addiction pushed here away. So maybe let her have the space she needs, whilst you focus on getting yourself better.

You have only been back for 4 weeks, and I am sure Asia was an amazing mind blowing experience.......in may ways. And I know I felt really flat and very down when I returned back from finding myself in India. It took a while to re-adjust to everyday - so dull and hideous by comparison. I struggled for a bit to re-adjust and get back into a routine. It will get easier.


Please let us know how you are doing. We are all here. When everything gets a bit much for me I put on a relaxation CD and try to snooze. Or at least calm my thoughts. It will pass, I promise.

Kindest
Rachel

[autumn]

Hi Louis,

Just wondering how your doing today. I hope your doing ok. Did you manage to get to a doctor or some one else that could help you?

Let us know how your doing.

Kindest
Rachel

[Louis]

Hey,

i'm ok. I saw doctors yes and therapists. The problem is that i realized so many things the last couple of months/weeks/days about myself. I finally discovered where my addiction also comes from. I've always been running away from myself. From my true self, which i didn't know anymore for 10 years. I started drinking and smoking pot to feel better in a group when i was young, because a lot of people were laughing with me, teachers didn't support me, etc. Since then i began to build a shield around me, my ego, which was not the true person i am. And since then i always ran away from the pain in me. And my girlfriend left me now because she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but i know she doesn't want to be with the false person I am. But now i discovered and learned so much about myself and i also know that all of my actions in the past were from unconscious behavior. I couldn't find rest in my life, and my heart was always closed. I couldn't give the right love to her, not to myself, not to anyone. And now i realize all the mistakes i made to her, that i hadn't respect for her, that i didn't support her, etc. But it hurts me so so so much because the real person in me really loves her, i have the feeling we found each other, but she doesn't want any contact now. So i can not even share what i learned about myself and that feels so hard to me. I wish i could just talk to her, even for 10 minutes.
I didn't go to the rehab, my parents took me to Spain, we have a little house here, and here i am, i didn't drink in 5 days now, i even don't wanna drink, i don't wanna run away from the pain in me anymore, i wanna work on myself, but i don't know what to do with my ex-girlfriend, i can't let her go, every thing i see in my life reminds me of her, and especially the feeling i have that we would be perfect together if i leave my old self behind kills me, because i can't talk to her. I'm thinking about making a video and sent it to her, as a last attempt to show her that i changed, but i don't know.

I still feel bad everyday, but it's getting better, i don't cry the whole time anymore.

Thanks for the support, any advice is welcome.

Louis