I hate alcohol but just keep drinking. Last night I cheated on my girlfriend when I was blackout drunk...I came out of the blackout and kept going with the other girl...so I knew what I was doing and kept going!! I told my girlfriend first thing this morning and am waiting to see if she comes around later. I have told her over and over that I am sorry and don't know what else to say to her. I love her so much and never ever wanted to hurt her, but I did. And now there is nothing I can do about it. I hate myself. This is not the first time I have done this to a partner. I wish I could just end this all. I wish I could stop drinking. But I can't. I have spent more than 20 years being a drunk. For at least 10 of those I have known I can't stop. I have blacked out more times than most people think is possible. I just can't stop. I lost my marriage to drinking and now I am going to lose the only person I ever really, truly loved. I really hate myself.
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Hi Dove, I'm so sorry your going through this. How awful. Your situation definitely has gotten out of control. Mine did too. Coming here and posting and reading has helped me quit. It is SO hard at times. Everyone here understands that. For today just try and get through the next 24 hours without a drink and take care of yourself physically. Lots of water, whatever food makes you feel better etc. Try not to worry about your girlfriend for today. Or at least don't let it overwhelm you. It is just too big I imagine to handle today. Baby steps ok? My thoughts are with you. Self hatred is brutal. Hang in there we are here to help.AF January 7, 2018 -
Doveagain, I obviously don't know you, but I believe by you being here and as sorry as you are that you are not a horrible person. Your behavior was damaging no doubt, but try to separate that from who you are. I know it's not easy, and you have a lot of work in front of you, but it's quite clear you're sorry for what happened, and that does not make a horrible person. One way or another, you can make it through this.
You haven't been able to quit alcohol in the past, but maybe you can give it a fresh new stab at going sober starting now? Get through today, and please don't use what happened last night as an excuse to drink today. I'm new at this sobriety stuff too, so maybe we can help each other starting now to make better lives for ourselves. What do you say?"Don't be ashamed of your story. It will inspire others".
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo EmersonComment
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Hi Doveagain,Originally posted by doveagain View Post
Sounds like it's time for personal change. What is your next step? Do you have a decent doctor you can talk to about a realistic health plan for giving up the booze?
Take care. G
'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'
Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-Comment
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can't or won't?Liberated 5/11/2013Comment
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No. I don't have a doctor. yes, this has to change. I don't know how to do it. There is another 2 hrs before my girlfriend is off work. I want to hug her and have her hold me and tell her I love her so much.Comment
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The text I wrote to her earlier said that I know I need to quit drinking but I also know I won't.Comment
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DoveOriginally posted by doveagain View Post
in order to quit, you gotta want it, then start making a plan of how to go about it, until you want it, it ain't gonna happen.The booze voice will never want you to quit but it is the YOU who needs to make a move. The booze voice does't give one hoot about your transgressions and never will.Liberated 5/11/2013Comment
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I get it. For me when I was drinking, I would've kept on drinking whatever her response was. If dumped, I would've drank. If relationship kept alive, I would've drank in 'celebration'.Originally posted by doveagain View Post
This pattern of blackouts will continue unless you take drastic action and change yourself. Our drinking gets progressively worse, not better. Jail, mental institution or death are the usual results my friend.
Man, change has to come from us. If you don't know how to do it, why not ask/search around for a Doc as your first step for some advice. A good Doc should have some options for you. Go for it. G
'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'
Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-Comment
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i just wish i could be like all of you that have quit. I wish I was already there. I really don't want to lose her and there is nothing I can do to take it back. She asked this morning how she was supposed to trust me again. I don't have an answer for her.Comment
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All you can do friend is to get yourself right first.Originally posted by doveagain View Post
Edit: Here's a link to our toolbox if you haven't read it before. You might find it useful.
Last edited by Guitarista; November 16, 2015, 05:56 PM.
'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'
Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-Comment
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We all felt that way, Dove. I wanted to fast forward 2 years and just be done with it. The thing is, we all got to where we are the same way you're going to, a minute, an hour, and a day at a time. The first while goes so slowly but after awhile, the time starts to fly because you're really living! I hope your GF gives you another chance - regaining her trust will take time, too. There are some threads here that might be helpful to you - the Toolbox and Newbies Nest. Believe it or not, those of us who have been here awhile have heard stories just like yours. If you want to change, you can. I hope we can help you.i just wish i could be like all of you that have quit.
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Many of us were or are in the same boat, those of us who quit at one time or another had to make a choice. That's what it boils down to, then the work begins and actually once you are sober for awhile, a person can find it ain't that bad not feeling like shit physically and mentally. Stick with us, read, and post. We're here for you if you want to work on getting sober.Liberated 5/11/2013Comment
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she could only trust you again if you manage to get sober. unless and until you do, she's nuts to stay with you. and you know that too. so get help now and sober up- no matter what it takes (e.g., rehab, whatever). lex
ps- sorry to sound mean, but this is the truth and you need to face it. i'll let others on this board be "kind" to you- there's a place for that too of courseComment
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Links to Newbie's Nest and Tool Box are in my signature line below.
My hubs walked out on me Jan 19, 2011 saying he didnt want to be married to a drunk. I begged him for a last and final chance, and day by day I earned his trust back. It didnt happen over night, but it did happen. I wanted HIM worse than I wanted to drink. Thats what it came down to. I know if I pick up a drink again he will be out of here....but you know what? I have NO desire to go back to drinking! It is a relief! I hope you wont let FEAR of it keep you from accomplishing it! I drank for 30 years. I know you can do this. ByrdieComment
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