Alcohol has ruined my life

[Soberistheway]

I don't consider myself to be alcohol dependent, quite frankly, I can go weeks without a drink and don't necessarily desire it. However, when I do drink.. It is to excess. Which seems to be the norm where I'm from (UK). However, my friends all just get drunk have a good night and go home. But I seem to have deep issues with alcohol that cause me to do things I regret whilst I am in almost a black out drunken state, with blips of memories coming back to me the next day but a lot of my memories permanently gone. I am a quiet girl who struggles with social anxiety and making friends, so when I drink alcohol I am naturally very talkative and I enjoy the confidence I get. But it always goes too far. I have slept with two men on separate occasions and don't remember it. I just knew I had done the act, but remember nothing of it. I then have put myself in a risky position walking home miles on my own. the most recent time I was stupidly drunk, having just broke up with my boyfriend, and went back to a guys house. He knew I was drunk as I was sick in his toilet and he was holding my hair back, the next vision I have is waking up the next day half undressed. I walked home crying hysterically as if I had just 'woken up' from my drunken state and realised what had happened. I then (still heavily drunk) tried to swallow lots of tablets in attempt to kill myself because I felt awful about what I had done to my then ex- boyfriend, as I love him and want us to work. My step dad caught me and held me whilst I cried. (I have since began to seek help for this) the guy certainly took advantage, but I'm pretty sure I consented in some way. I don't think it was rape, just a man taking advantage of a drunk and upset girl. But basically, I am now full of self hatred and regret. Especially as me and my partner are going to try again and I have to keep this dirty secret because I know he would not be with me if he knew I had gone out and done that so soon after we broke it off. I want to give up alcohol, as I feel I am not able to control my intake. But it is so hard with the friends and family I have, all heavy drinkers. Work Christmas party is coming up and wine will be on the table.. I just don't know how to not drink in a culture where it is the norm? I feel like an awful person, a slut, an embarrassment who deserves nothing but awful things. Can I really blame it on the alcohol or am I just a bad person? I guess no one can really help me, I just need to vent. Does anyone have any advice about how I can take a sober life? And how I can deal with the feelings of guilt, self hatred and anxiety assoiated with sleeping with men I do not remember. Should I also tell my partner about this awful mistake and lose my long term relationship because of a couple of hours I do not remember? I am at a loss.

[Byrdlady]

Sober, you've come to the right place. There are two links in my signature line worth getting to know. Newbies Nest has people in all stages of quitting, its an active thread and someone is always around to help. It is a great place to get your sober legs. The Tool Box, as the name implies, is stuffed full of information and tools to help you. Anything you can imagine to help is contained in that one spot.
There isnt one of us here who doesnt have regrets about our drinking and the insane things we did. The good news? That doesnt have to be you any more. I didnt know how on Earth I could live a decent life, AL free, but guess what, its 1000 times better than it ever was when I drank. When I came here, I was scared, lonely and just about out of options....today, I am one month shy of 5 years sober. You just never know what you can do til you try!
Im no expert, but I believe that you should keep your transgressions to yourself (regarding your BF), there is NO good that that come out of telling him all that....its all in the past now and you are about to do some real growing! Around here, we do it one day at a time! Hope to see you over in the nest!! We're so glad you're here! Byrdie

[daisy45]

Hey Sober and welcome. Alcohol abuse shows up in so many different ways. For me, once I drink it is 2 bottles almost nightly. No more, no less, but damaging to me. My sister doesn't drink all week, then if she drinks Friday it continues through the day and night until Sunday. Her damage is at the weekends.
You do not have to grab a vodka at 7am to have a drink problem.....it is about how your life is affected by the damage it causes.
I don't believe you are a bad person....you know you are not....you can see what happened, what is causing you problems...,you are not in denial....you came here, didn't you.....lucky you! Time to settle in.....the more sober time you get, those awful feelings you have about yourself will fade out as the sober you emerges, and you start to feel proud of who you are again.
Looking forward to knowing you better.....

[Choices]

Welcome Sober, it sounds like when you drink things get dangerous. (It does for me too). I'm a shy person who also has social anxiety, and can relate to your post all too much. The part that concerns me for you is the blacking out and having sex, and walking home very vulnerable. Really scary stuff. For reasons I'm sure you totally understand. Unwanted pregnancy, rape, disease. Nobody wants any of that to happen to you. Your not a slut or bad person. Put the blame on alcohol. But, it's good your aware that you don't want this to be happening in your life and you luckily can take responsible care of yourself. I wouldn't tell your boyfriend about your story. You were broken up. It will only cause unneeded pain in both of you. It's really your problem to deal with and it's wonderful your here. If you can try not and see it as a dirty little secret, but as a serious red flag to love yourself more.

[little beagle]

Sober is the way for me to live too. I use to have so many regrets. But as Byrdie said, the more sober time you have the fewer regrets. Check out the newbies nest and tool box. It really helped me turn my life around. It can do the same for you. And I had a husband in my life who still drank when i quit. He quit four months after I did. Who knows? You just might start something. For sure YOU'LL feel better.

[Soberistheway]

Thanks everyone!

Thank you for your kind words and for your understanding. It means a lot to me to have support from you and you have encouraged me to get out of my depressed rut and make a change! After all I cannot change the past but I can change the future by cutting out alcohol, working on my relationship and living a safer, healthier and happier life. I think I just need to accept that I'm a quiet person and recognise that I have friends, family and a boyfriend who love me. I do not need alcohol to make friends or 'fit in'. It's going to be hard to let go of my past drunken mistakes but by cutting out alcohol, I can try and overcome them as I know I will never allow myself to be in a vulnerable situation again. Good luck with everything and thank you for understanding. So glad I managed to find this wonderful community!

[Choices]

You sound really good Sober,
The feeling of not fitting in is big, I have that too... but after a while I found that I ended up alone in bad drunken states anyway. Where did all those people I was drinking with go? You are so right when you say the longer you are sober the easier it will be to deal with your mistakes. I found that. You'll do great. You sound like a really smart girl.

[kuya]

Thank you for your kind words and for your understanding. It means a lot to me to have support from you and you have encouraged me to get out of my depressed rut and make a change! After all I cannot change the past but I can change the future by cutting out alcohol, working on my relationship and living a safer, healthier and happier life. I think I just need to accept that I'm a quiet person and recognise that I have friends, family and a boyfriend who love me. I do not need alcohol to make friends or 'fit in'. It's going to be hard to let go of my past drunken mistakes but by cutting out alcohol, I can try and overcome them as I know I will never allow myself to be in a vulnerable situation again. Good luck with everything and thank you for understanding. So glad I managed to find this wonderful community!

It is important that you see alcohol for what it does to YOU!

I live in New Zealand... there is a big drinking culture here too but truly no one cares if you don't drink.

You clearly have an allergic type reaction to it and run the risk that you will come to extreme harm if you drink it.

Ask yourself this...

If you ate brazil nuts for the first time and you got an allergic reaction that risked your life would you be upset that you had to avoid them in the future? Of course not!

Well this is exactly the same.

[Mick]

hiya Sober,I dont really post all over the place ,but I found your post really interesting...The first one was titled ..alcohol has ruined my life,how life had gone pear shaped ...that you needed booze for confidence,had a one nighter with a guy,etc and that basically life was a bag of spanners for you....

Your next post shows a massive positive approach...and that is brill..you cant take away what has been done ,but certainly life isnt over or indeed ruined...you have your health ,sanity,sight,brain faculties...all you have to do is retrain it
Time will not erase but will certainly dilute the past to an extent that it is immaterial..what isnt immaterial is the cause...booze..never forget that..the sobriety path ahead can get tough,at times you will be dying to reach for a bottle of "ah fk it .com" you dont need it for confidence when you are out..be yourself ,your confidence in time will grow too...I am also in uk...so by all means contact me if you wish...get a strategy together with a fall back position...there is a brill piece of work that Mario has reposted on the site called" I am your disease" ..I think it was written by a prisoner a while back..I had a copy of that in my wallet ,and also photographed it on my phone...and in times of being anxious I would read that and reflect plus the friendship and support on here...stick with it you can do it..Cant doesnt exist ..it is can ..with a tea instead of booze...good luck .....happy to help

[JeffRob887]

I don't consider myself to be alcohol dependent, quite frankly, I can go weeks without a drink and don't necessarily desire it. However, when I do drink.. It is to excess. Which seems to be the norm where I'm from (UK). However, my friends all just get drunk have a good night and go home. But I seem to have deep issues with alcohol that cause me to do things I regret whilst I am in almost a black out drunken state, with blips of memories coming back to me the next day but a lot of my memories permanently gone. I am a quiet girl who struggles with social anxiety and making friends, so when I drink alcohol I am naturally very talkative and I enjoy the confidence I get. But it always goes too far. I have slept with two men on separate occasions and don't remember it. I just knew I had done the act, but remember nothing of it. I then have put myself in a risky position walking home miles on my own. the most recent time I was stupidly drunk, having just broke up with my boyfriend, and went back to a guys house. He knew I was drunk as I was sick in his toilet and he was holding my hair back, the next vision I have is waking up the next day half undressed. I walked home crying hysterically as if I had just 'woken up' from my drunken state and realised what had happened. I then (still heavily drunk) tried to swallow lots of tablets in attempt to kill myself because I felt awful about what I had done to my then ex- boyfriend, as I love him and want us to work. My step dad caught me and held me whilst I cried. (I have since began to seek help for this) the guy certainly took advantage, but I'm pretty sure I consented in some way. I don't think it was rape, just a man taking advantage of a drunk and upset girl. But basically, I am now full of self hatred and regret. Especially as me and my partner are going to try again and I have to keep this dirty secret because I know he would not be with me if he knew I had gone out and done that so soon after we broke it off. I want to give up alcohol, as I feel I am not able to control my intake. But it is so hard with the friends and family I have, all heavy drinkers. Work Christmas party is coming up and wine will be on the table.. I just don't know how to not drink in a culture where it is the norm? I feel like an awful person, a slut, an embarrassment who deserves nothing but awful things. Can I really blame it on the alcohol or am I just a bad person? I guess no one can really help me, I just need to vent. Does anyone have any advice about how I can take a sober life? And how I can deal with the feelings of guilt, self hatred and anxiety assoiated with sleeping with men I do not remember. Should I also tell my partner about this awful mistake and lose my long term relationship because of a couple of hours I do not remember? I am at a loss.

Your story is like my girlfriend's story. What she did, even if it's the "norm", she decided to quit it. Before we met, she was always invited to parties, got drunk, and got laid in a drunk state. The day after that, she didn't remember a thing. She always felt like she's a slut and a bad person and eventually hit the rock bottom. Well, you can simply, tell your family and friends that you are quitting alcohol and tell them the reason why. Tell them that you don't want to do things that you'll regret especially when you're drunk. You're not a bad person or a slut. This is what alcohol do to a certain individual. So please, if you can quit it, do it. Imagine the risk that you're taking. Well, If your boyfriend truly loves you, he'll understand and surely support you. Same thing as with me when my gf told me everything. At first I was shocked but I love her, what I did was I supported her. If he didn't understand you, maybe your long term relationship isn't worth it. If he left, maybe it's time to focus more on yourself and love more of yourself as well.

[lex]

JeffRob887- I like your writing style- the clarity of it all! Lex

[Change]

Hi Sober,

I'm not sure whether you are still checking the thread or not, but your story about social anxiety and confidence resonated with me. Two months sober and I have realized that what underscored my drinking problem was a complete lack of confidence in myself and a natural reserve that bordered on debilitating shyness (although most people wouldn't know it existed).

On my way to the supermarket tonight, I realized that and I can tell you from experience, that living sober is so much better than living with that crap in my body (which then seeps into my mind, heart and soul). I decided today that in order to deal with my timidness and lack of confidence, I have to challenge myself at least once per day, in a situation that I might find intimidating. This may be something as simple as going to the supermarket, which I could otherwise find overwhelming if I allowed myself to go down that path.

So, what I am trying to say is that it would benefit you to deal with your social anxiety in more productive ways than to drink, because as long as it's there and you continue to drink, it will continue to stay, and you will go around in circles! Previously, in the past, I looked at my drinking only, however, this time I want to look at the cause so that I can heal the cause and stop drinking, and get on with my life

I hope you doing okay. You should think that you deserve more than to put yourself into risky situations