Hi, everyone!
So, I battled drug addiction (pain pills) several years ago and ended up losing pretty much everything I cared about. It only took about a year for me, lost my girlfriend, all my possessions, everything. I never had much of a drinking problem, though. I'd just kind of drink socially, here and there.
Well, I entered a treatment program, went through terrible withdrawals, the works -- was so severely depressed -- but then, after the first few days, I started to feel better, and only got happier from there. I remained sober for 2 and 1/2 years. COMPLETELy abstinent from any mind-altering substances, including alcohol. I even went to A.A. I had heard enough stories about ex drug-users who think they can take up drinking to replace their habit and then end up becoming an alcoholic.
Let me also say -- because this is an important aspect of it for me -- that in those 2.5 years, I was the happiest, most stable, most successful, and best dad I'd ever been. I have a 9-year-old little girl and an 8-year-old little boy. I love them so, so much. I have a beautiful house and a thriving business (well, it's thriving a lot LESS now). All of these things I've achieved, and I threw my happiness away accidentally, by choosing to start back drinking. It started because I was going on a date with this girl, and honestly, she was drop-dead gorgeous and I was extremely nervous. I stopped by a local convenient store and got these local pills we have here, called sleepwalkers. They contain phenibut, and they're very strong. They made me feel like the most confident, successful, and cognitively enhanced version of myself. I felt it was the perfect bandaid, and of course, I'd just "do it one night." Well, the next day, I still had some in the bottle, and we were going out again, so I did it again. I ended up doing them for 2 weeks straight, we went to six flags, did all kinds of stuff, and I always had an excuse. Well, I had been an addict before, and I knew I had to stop. So I did. It was awful. 3 days of severe depression and anxiety, from a mere 2 weeks on them!
Anyway, I continued to go back and forth, ya know, going say 2 weeks without, and then I'd justify doing them again (never for 2 weeks again, but for 2 or 3 days), which STILL brought on 3 days of depression and anxiety. I got lost in this cycle...I lost my identity as the good, sober man I felt I'd become. I started having old thoughts in my head again. Eventually I was alternating between Sleepwalkers (Phenibut), Kratom, and Neurotin. All three of these have withdrawal symptons, so I'd try to keep them spaced out, and also throw in sober days. Eventually, though, I knew I had to stop. So I did. And this is when the alcohol began.
I was just SO depressed after coming off all those, I couldn't even find the motivation to clean my living space, or even to enjoy a movie! So I justified drinking for the "first few days" to help stave off the depression. It worked great... I would only drink at night at first, very responsibily, I felt, limiting myself to only after 8pm. I started out only having 3 or 4 glasses of wine. And I was extremely functional for weeks. I still felt pretty happy during the day, and was still performing well at work.
Okay, so this started about 6 months ago. Fastforward to now. I've been drinking anywhere from 10-20 shots of vodka a day. I slowly let myself start drinking earlier and earlier, as I felt worse and worse when I woke up, and didn't feel like doing much until I had alcohol in me. At this point, right now, I need at least 4 shots of vodka to feel like doing anything at all, including getting out of bed. I've been telling myself every morning for the past two months, literally, that I have to quit, but I just kept justifying. Well, I can't justify it anymore. I believe I've developed anemia. Yesterday morning, I suddenly felt very short of breath, and found it hard to breathe, or at least that was the sensation. My chest felt heavy and I felt dizzy, lightheaded, tingly, awful. Then when I went to the bathroom, I noticed I was severely pale. This kicked up my anxiety and made everything worse. I maybe slept 3 hours total last night/this morning.
And then today, I started drinking, and pounded down my typical 4 shots just to feel decent and not depressed, and immediately the symptoms returned. I began doing research and found that anemia can actually be caused by alcoholism. I barely eat a meal a day, and I only drink a couple of cups of water a day, so from what I've read, the combination of malnutrition, dehydration, lack of vitamins/minerals, and alcohol, can lead to this. My stomach pretty much always hurts, unless I'm good and drunk.
But my body is now forcing me to do this. I mean, I can't even drink enough to feel good without feeling like I can barely breathe. So I've been drinking the bare minimum to function, which leaves me feeling not very good, but good enough to move around a little bit and talk to people.
UGH, I hate this! I can't believe I got myself into this, when I KNEW better, after my past! I have friends who still battle with drugs and they always came to me for strength and advice! Actually, my best friend is an alcoholic, who has recovered and returned several times. I was always there for him and felt so sorry for him. Now it's ME! I feel such a fury of guilt and shame, and mixed with the depression/anxiety from tapering down as I have, I just feel awful, constantly! I lay in bed all day. I work from home, so I can get away with that a little bit, but not lately... I've let my business start to suffer, as well as my relationships, and my attentiveness to kids. I feel like such a bad person. And I remember feeling like such a good person only just 6 months ago, before I met the girl. By the way, when we broke up, I got a lose worse, a lot faster.
But ANYWAY, I'm so sorry to tell so much detail... I just know how powerful this is, sharing and everything, it's like A.A. I'm so grateful to have support here.
I have a few dozen Topamax and I was wondering, I know I've read it can reduce cravings, but does it reduce the tremors, anxiety, and/or depression?
I also have Clonidine, which I plan to use once I cut the booze completely out. Right now I'm tapering down as fast as I can. I don't even feel like I'm going to sleep tonight. I'm so lost right now.
Any help will be greatly appreciated. What can I do to alleviate the awful anxiety symptoms and the depression? Those are my biggest hurdles.
Thank you all SO much!
So, I battled drug addiction (pain pills) several years ago and ended up losing pretty much everything I cared about. It only took about a year for me, lost my girlfriend, all my possessions, everything. I never had much of a drinking problem, though. I'd just kind of drink socially, here and there.
Well, I entered a treatment program, went through terrible withdrawals, the works -- was so severely depressed -- but then, after the first few days, I started to feel better, and only got happier from there. I remained sober for 2 and 1/2 years. COMPLETELy abstinent from any mind-altering substances, including alcohol. I even went to A.A. I had heard enough stories about ex drug-users who think they can take up drinking to replace their habit and then end up becoming an alcoholic.
Let me also say -- because this is an important aspect of it for me -- that in those 2.5 years, I was the happiest, most stable, most successful, and best dad I'd ever been. I have a 9-year-old little girl and an 8-year-old little boy. I love them so, so much. I have a beautiful house and a thriving business (well, it's thriving a lot LESS now). All of these things I've achieved, and I threw my happiness away accidentally, by choosing to start back drinking. It started because I was going on a date with this girl, and honestly, she was drop-dead gorgeous and I was extremely nervous. I stopped by a local convenient store and got these local pills we have here, called sleepwalkers. They contain phenibut, and they're very strong. They made me feel like the most confident, successful, and cognitively enhanced version of myself. I felt it was the perfect bandaid, and of course, I'd just "do it one night." Well, the next day, I still had some in the bottle, and we were going out again, so I did it again. I ended up doing them for 2 weeks straight, we went to six flags, did all kinds of stuff, and I always had an excuse. Well, I had been an addict before, and I knew I had to stop. So I did. It was awful. 3 days of severe depression and anxiety, from a mere 2 weeks on them!
Anyway, I continued to go back and forth, ya know, going say 2 weeks without, and then I'd justify doing them again (never for 2 weeks again, but for 2 or 3 days), which STILL brought on 3 days of depression and anxiety. I got lost in this cycle...I lost my identity as the good, sober man I felt I'd become. I started having old thoughts in my head again. Eventually I was alternating between Sleepwalkers (Phenibut), Kratom, and Neurotin. All three of these have withdrawal symptons, so I'd try to keep them spaced out, and also throw in sober days. Eventually, though, I knew I had to stop. So I did. And this is when the alcohol began.
I was just SO depressed after coming off all those, I couldn't even find the motivation to clean my living space, or even to enjoy a movie! So I justified drinking for the "first few days" to help stave off the depression. It worked great... I would only drink at night at first, very responsibily, I felt, limiting myself to only after 8pm. I started out only having 3 or 4 glasses of wine. And I was extremely functional for weeks. I still felt pretty happy during the day, and was still performing well at work.
Okay, so this started about 6 months ago. Fastforward to now. I've been drinking anywhere from 10-20 shots of vodka a day. I slowly let myself start drinking earlier and earlier, as I felt worse and worse when I woke up, and didn't feel like doing much until I had alcohol in me. At this point, right now, I need at least 4 shots of vodka to feel like doing anything at all, including getting out of bed. I've been telling myself every morning for the past two months, literally, that I have to quit, but I just kept justifying. Well, I can't justify it anymore. I believe I've developed anemia. Yesterday morning, I suddenly felt very short of breath, and found it hard to breathe, or at least that was the sensation. My chest felt heavy and I felt dizzy, lightheaded, tingly, awful. Then when I went to the bathroom, I noticed I was severely pale. This kicked up my anxiety and made everything worse. I maybe slept 3 hours total last night/this morning.
And then today, I started drinking, and pounded down my typical 4 shots just to feel decent and not depressed, and immediately the symptoms returned. I began doing research and found that anemia can actually be caused by alcoholism. I barely eat a meal a day, and I only drink a couple of cups of water a day, so from what I've read, the combination of malnutrition, dehydration, lack of vitamins/minerals, and alcohol, can lead to this. My stomach pretty much always hurts, unless I'm good and drunk.
But my body is now forcing me to do this. I mean, I can't even drink enough to feel good without feeling like I can barely breathe. So I've been drinking the bare minimum to function, which leaves me feeling not very good, but good enough to move around a little bit and talk to people.
UGH, I hate this! I can't believe I got myself into this, when I KNEW better, after my past! I have friends who still battle with drugs and they always came to me for strength and advice! Actually, my best friend is an alcoholic, who has recovered and returned several times. I was always there for him and felt so sorry for him. Now it's ME! I feel such a fury of guilt and shame, and mixed with the depression/anxiety from tapering down as I have, I just feel awful, constantly! I lay in bed all day. I work from home, so I can get away with that a little bit, but not lately... I've let my business start to suffer, as well as my relationships, and my attentiveness to kids. I feel like such a bad person. And I remember feeling like such a good person only just 6 months ago, before I met the girl. By the way, when we broke up, I got a lose worse, a lot faster.
But ANYWAY, I'm so sorry to tell so much detail... I just know how powerful this is, sharing and everything, it's like A.A. I'm so grateful to have support here.
I have a few dozen Topamax and I was wondering, I know I've read it can reduce cravings, but does it reduce the tremors, anxiety, and/or depression?
I also have Clonidine, which I plan to use once I cut the booze completely out. Right now I'm tapering down as fast as I can. I don't even feel like I'm going to sleep tonight. I'm so lost right now.
Any help will be greatly appreciated. What can I do to alleviate the awful anxiety symptoms and the depression? Those are my biggest hurdles.
Thank you all SO much!
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