Advice/links please?

[madonmehndi]

Hi all, I am still really struggling with my husbands attitude to me for the past few weeks, I appreciate that he has been hurt by my past drinking in the respect that he has felt pushed away etc... but really he is making me feel like I was the worst drunk ever, that I was drunk every day morning, noon and night and I have committed mass murder or something! I have asked him if he still loves me and he says he does but thats as far as it goes, he hasn't shown me any affection at all for the past few weeks, he is usually very touchy feely and loving but he is barely kissing me goodbye now He was very supportive in the first month, even bought me flowers and a well done card and said how proud he was of me. I know that I have a lot of work to do to say sorry and to make up for the way I have been but he seems like he doesn't want me to try I feel so lonely and upset, struggling to eat and having nightmares again

I guess I just want to know has anyone else been treated like this after quitting? If you have any similar experience or know of any threads of any please please post and help me, I feel like I am losing my mind

[southshoregirl]

Sounds like a very stressful situation. I haven't been in your position because I'm not married, but I know many others in AA have been in similar situations. You cannot change the past, every alcoholic has done things they regretted and we usually hurt the ones closest to us the most. I hurt my mother very much by my actions when drinking, and even though I apologized to her, I realize that words are not always enough. Me, and many others in AA, have found that sometimes you have to make a "living amends". You are probably familiar with AA's Step 9. One way to make amends is by "living amends", which is just trying to do the right thing, stay sober, prove that you changed by changing your actions from now on. Don't beat yourself up, everyone makes mistakes. Have you discussed this with your AA sponsor? I'm sure she had experiences with making amends to family members as well, sometimes it helps to hear another person's story. Sorry if you already posted about this in another thread, but does your husband go to Al Anon or do you go to marriage counseling together? This might be something to try if you/your husband are open to it. Hope this helps.

[paulywogg]

Sorry this is still going on Madon have you guys sat down and seriously talked about this? I'm wondering if maybe its something unrelated to the drinking,seems kind of odd behavior, did you two drink together? Maybe he feels like he lost his "drinking buddy" if you did,I think sitting down and talking it out would help,also the counseling Southshoregirl suggested might be worth a try big((hugs))

[Pavati]

Hi, Madon:

Pauly asked the question I was thinking. Is he your drinking buddy? Could he be threatened by your sobriety even though he is making you feel bad?

I suggest the long and thoughtful talk with him - let him know how you're feeling and ask him why he is behaving that way. He might not even notice!

One thing has been true for me - my relationship with my husband is much better now as we are able to have rational conversations about our relationship without the drama that our drinking brought to it.

I don't know any specific blogs about what you're experiencing, but if I find one, I'll forward. The Bubble Hour has one on detachment that might help, and they also have one on relationships. You can download through the Podcast app or online at thebubblehour.com

Good luck,
Pav

[actiongirl46]

Hey Madon, just wondering, is this relationship getting any better? You are doing so well!! I feel for you.

[madonmehndi]

Nope = no change but I am still plodding on and still sober - thank you for asking actiongirl46

[Orimus]

Hey Maddy,

First congrats on the three months sober. That's fantastic. Now I'm not married so I don't know what if feels like but I do understand that he, too, is going to need time to adjust to the new normal. How did he handle your alcoholism before you started recovery? I do think the advice already given about having an honest conversation with him about how each each of you is feeling, seeing if he'll go to al-anon and even marriage counseling if he's willing. Or even if he might need/want one on one counseling. I did a quick look in terms of links and found http://alcoholrehab.com/alcoholism/a...-and-recovery/. Hope it helps. <hugs>

[empyr3al]

Re: Advice/links please?

Say this and see if he understands it. "The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust." - Henry L. Stimson

You can change the gender of course but that is a direct quote. Trust if you look at rat studies and socialization change everything in behaviour.