Tail between legs

[Blindspot]

Hi everyone,

I had several years sober - no interest in drinking (that I knew of), didn't resent others drinking, didn't drink on feelings, and was happy as pie.

Then "things" have come up and I have relapsed several times every 3-8 months, for a week or a so each time.

I call these "things" "blindspots" because I don't know what causes them. I think I worked one out after it happened twice - illness - so I can take extra care to look out for that one again.

But with the rest: they just seem random, like I'm not happy or sad or uspet, but like I just drink out of nowhere. I know that can't possibly happen because I go and buy the bottle. But I wish I know why I did, and why now.

I need to work this out, because I will drink a litre of gin/vodka (or more) a day and it's going to kill me, not to mention the horrible guilt of it.

Please, does anyone experience this and what do they do about it?

I'm thinking of practising Mindfulness again, so I can catch any feelings or drinking thoughts I'm unaware of.

Any help gratefully received.

[abcowboy]

Re: Tail between legs

No need for the tail between the legs Blindspot, we've all had ours there as well. You had a couple of years of sobriety so you know it can be done.

I think you're on the right track figuring out the "things" that cause you to want to drink, you've figured out one, now it's just a matter of watching out for rest. But figuring out those causes it just the first part, you'll also have to figure out how you're going to handle them the next time they come around without drinking through them, what will you use when alcohol is no longer an option.

Read around, post, check out the Newbie Nest and all the rest of the threads. I'm sure you'll find lots of support to continue your journey!

:welcome: to MWO!

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

Thank you AB. It all seemed to start with a chronic medical condition - which I still have. I dealt with it cheerily enough sober for a year, then the Dr suggested I try some meds. Every med I tried made me more ill, and/or despressed. One even made me so skinny I was hospitalised with pneumonia. I refuse to touch any meds again after that.

I think I've lost faith somehow in my ability to stay sober, like it's not real because I relapsed. Saying that, I know that partly to be true cos I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, feeling it to be true.

But I do think thre are subtler things at play. Alcoholsm is a sneaky thing. And I need ALL bases covered if I never want to drink again (and I really, really don't). I just need to find out what they are. Acceptance is a big thing for me. If I can accept the feeling or the craving, I know it will pass and I won't drink on it.

Just got to uncover any more hidden triggers.

Thank you for your help and welcome :thumbsup:

[Neo]

Re: Tail between legs

You've done well. I have said on a couple of occassions not to let a slipup go past 2 days. Recovery is quick as you are healthy and sober for along time. If I slip up and went longer like a week, I would be in relapse. I know the last 3 times I quit and then drank for a week, I couldn't stop easy and it went on for a month.

Not only did AL take up valuable time, It drained the wallet as being a smoker it adds up. Last time I guesstimate $40AUD/day to maintain my habit beer & smokes. Not to mention I was starting to use valium in between to control the anxiety and thankfully , last stint was just over a month and it wasn't somewhere I wanted to take the valium and create further problems .The first 7-10 days weren't the most fun quitting again either however, am better at keeping sober now as I've had some really good sober runs

[Orimus]

Re: Tail between legs

Welcome Blindspot! I'm still early in my quit but I have returned to mindfulness practices and have found meditating twice a day, morning and evening, to be helpful. Of late I've been focusing on Heart Chakra Meditation • Yoga Basics.

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

You've done well. I have said on a couple of occassions not to let a slipup go past 2 days. Recovery is quick as you are healthy and sober for along time. If I slip up and went longer like a week, I would be in relapse. I know the last 3 times I quit and then drank for a week, I couldn't stop easy and it went on for a month.

Not only did AL take up valuable time, It drained the wallet as being a smoker it adds up. Last time I guesstimate $40AUD/day to maintain my habit beer & smokes. Not to mention I was starting to use valium in between to control the anxiety and thankfully , last stint was just over a month and it wasn't somewhere I wanted to take the valium and create further problems .The first 7-10 days weren't the most fun quitting again either however, am better at keeping sober now as I've had some really good sober runs

Thanks Neo - I agree, as soon as you can get back on the horse, do. I hate it when I read of people being sober for years, then crashing intto a 10-year relapse. That's why I want to adress this now so badly. I've had too many lapses, and I dread that I'll never get my "forever" sober.

Good luck this time my friend

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

Welcome Blindspot! I'm still early in my quit but I have returned to mindfulness practices and have found meditating twice a day, morning and evening, to be helpful. Of late I've been focusing on Heart Chakra Meditation • Yoga Basics.

Thanks Orimus. How did I get myself so busy that I let meditation and Buddhism go? It was so useful to me too. I know what happened - I told myself I was too ill to do it. No-one who can breathe is too ill to meditate. D'oh. All good wishes to you.

[Wildflowers]

Re: Tail between legs

:welcome: Blindspot,

First congratulations on achieving substantial sobriety time. Sorry to hear of chronic health problems. I understand. I too have experienced good periods of sobriety, then binge, then drink daily. My career in drinking has been all over the map for decades. Have drank for no apparent reason. In these times the most helpful thing is to take some sort of action. It appears you accept and are aware of your problem with alcohol. Have you in depth, explored internal and external triggers? Even non alkies, problem drinkers, drink for effect. To change how we feel. This encompasses a broad range of things.

Mindfulness and breathing is a good idea. What other actions can you take? What are you willing to do?

Check your HALTS. Hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Have you tried counseling, meetings, joining and participating in on-line groups, journaling, self care, re-hab? In your deepest self have you admitted that you can't drink like normies? I have, but then get to a point of not caring about self. Like what's the point. Then end up sicker then before. It's like being in a hampster wheel.

Please don't give up!.. That's what your doing now by coming here and reaching out.. Take this one day at a time. That's all any of us has. Hope your tears will stop, that you will smile again soon!.. :hug: Really glad you posted.

Will try & post more, when more comes to mind. This is a good learning topic. The blind spots. Until then here's a post from a senior member with long term sobriety. You may find this post helpful. Taken from Newbies Nest under Starting Out. By: Mario. Also under Monthly Abs, there are pgs of helpful tips- stories. Titled Toolbox.

Good morning nesters. Lovey sunny start to the morning here, I very busy at moment, but all is good in the hood,

Just a thought,
nobody entirely escapes temptation, You must expect it & be ready for it when it comes, none of us is entirely safe, You must keep up your defences up 7 do what your doing that is getting you this far, The first step in dealing with temptation is to see it as clearly temptation & not harbour it in your mind, Dissociate yourself from it, put it out of your mind as soon as it appears, work your tools ,Do not think of any excuses or use any problems/excuses to turn to it, This addiction is a cunning one and we all need to be aware of it.

Have a nice day folks.

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

Thank you Wild.

You have some really good advice. My laspses seem to happen so fast that I'm almost buying a bottle before I know it - very little apparent thought or feeling involved. I hope by cultivating Mindfulness, I will be able to pause in those moments, ask myself what I am REALLY feeing or reacting to, and learn to accept that feeling or reaction.

I don't seem to have external triggers any more (like seeing others drinking), but I hope to use some support to gain insight into internal triggers - whether it's a build up of stress I was unaware of or whatever.

Unfortunately my illness has me feeling tired more often than not - but I could rest, rather than falling down the same rabbit hole.

Done counselling, rehab, meetings, but due to my mobility issues, I think joining you in on-line groups like this will help.

I don't know how to self-care really, especially with my illness (My OH has to cook, I can't shower often).

But YES, I know can't drink like normies and never will. I hear you on thinking what's the point, it's such a battle.

But we've both had periods of sobriety before - we can do it again. :hug:

[mario]

Re: Tail between legs

Hi Blindspot, Well done for coming back, You have already been given great advise above, so just go for it & learn from where you slipped up last time, It didn't happen over night, It gradually creeps its way back into your thoughts telling you you are in control & it be different this time, good luck hope to see you around.

[available]

Re: Tail between legs

Hi Blind and welcome.

a huge congrats on your several years sober. I find the major factor for me in sobriety is to be accountable each and every day. I know if i ever get that thought to drink that i would have to come on here and fess up and to me that is more horrifying than i like to imagine. Even if i dont post i certainly do read and log on here twice a day. I have friends off here who i chat to daily and they have been my lifeline.

We cant do this alone, us alkies left to our own devices will eventually drink. We dont need a reason to drink, we will drink and then suffer the consequences later on, its how our brains work. We need to be around those that understand. Not drinking does not rule my life but i am certainly conscious when i am out and about and always have a plan at the ready to reach out for help if needed.

[Wildflowers]

Re: Tail between legs

How are you doing today?

I felt silly after some of the suggestions. Considering you've had solid sobriety before and sounds like you've been at this awhile. Should have known you'd tried many of these recovery methods-tools. Was thinking today about that strange mental blank spot that AA's - BB speaks of. Confusing for myself. As I'd think I'm cognizant of my thoughts and feelings. I mean nobody's raising the glass to my lips except me. Yet, there have been times I drank for no reason. Subconscious thoughts.

Having had long sobriety before, think I also became complacent. Forgot how ill I became. Will have to always use and be a part of some type of recovery group. Use my tools. My last lapse didn't even last a whole week, cause I became to ill. This last one was a three day binge and I had to stop. It's killing me too.

Yes we can do this Blindspot. Self care can be as simple as brushing your teeth, eating healthier, going to bed early, rubbing hand lotion on. Reading a good book. Smile for no reason. Enjoy bird songs. Practicing gratitude. Ordering a new blouse. Buying flowers. Like Mario said keep repeating what works. Can't let my guard down.

Glad you have someone helping you. Hope your feeling a bit better today. :hug:

[southshoregirl]

Re: Tail between legs

I think I've lost faith somehow in my ability to stay sober, like it's not real because I relapsed

I definitely identify with this thread, especially this part. I had over a year sober at one point (this was a few years ago) and when I relapsed after that, I felt like I completely lost faith in AA, myself, sobriety. But with time I started to try to listen to people's stories who had bad relapses, and made it back. I got to know one guy pretty well who had 11 years of sobriety, had a bad relapse that lasted a couple years, and now has 4 years sobriety. It's possible to stay sober whether it's your 1st time or your 1000th time getting sober. There are a lot of people that relapse but have many years of sobriety afterward. I had to learn to pay attention to those stories and try to learn what I could from them. I guess basically there are two questions to ask yourself: 1) how were you able to stay sober before? What worked for you? 2) were there things that contributed to your relapses, that should be avoided (triggers etc)? For me I realized that AA did help me to stay sober, and what led to a lot of my relapses with alcohol was other unhealthy/addictive behaviors (in my case I think that gambling/going to casinos contributed to my alcohol relapse). At a certain point though I think it is important not to dwell on the past too much but focus on how you will stay sober now. Hope this helps.

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

Hi, Thanks for all for your replies. suggestions and encouragement. Sorry, was away for a few days, so not able to reply until now. While I was away, I did my Mindfulness practice, noticing when things annoyed or upset me and tried to analyse those. It was very interesting to trace the feelings and to try to understand why they were there.

The interesting thing about Mindfulness is that it doesn't even matter if your inner belief is true or not - just knowing it is there and what lead to it can teach you a lot about yourself. Eg. I tried to explain to my OH why I felt upset - and it was to do with him. He came up with a load of justifications of his behaviour and how I was wrong. It was quite amusing to explain to him that we might both be wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I 'fess up the feeling and let it go.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to things sometimes - we have different opinions and biases and hot buttons. The important thing is recognising that they are there. I only told him because I wanted him to know I was doing my Mindfulness and trying to prevent relapsing.

Mindfulness is not an argument - it's an inquiry into self. I hope everyone's having a great day.

[Wildflowers]

Re: Tail between legs

Hi, Thanks for all for your replies. suggestions and encouragement. Sorry, was away for a few days, so not able to reply until now. While I was away, I did my Mindfulness practice, noticing when things annoyed or upset me and tried to analyse those. It was very interesting to trace the feelings and to try to understand why they were there.

The interesting thing about Mindfulness is that it doesn't even matter if your inner belief is true or not - just knowing it is there and what lead to it can teach you a lot about yourself. Eg. I tried to explain to my OH why I felt upset - and it was to do with him. He came up with a load of justifications of his behaviour and how I was wrong. It was quite amusing to explain to him that we might both be wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I 'fess up the feeling and let it go.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to things sometimes - we have different opinions and biases and hot buttons. The important thing is recognising that they are there. I only told him because I wanted him to know I was doing my Mindfulness and trying to prevent relapsing.

Mindfulness is not an argument - it's an inquiry into self. I hope everyone's having a great day.

Hi Blindpspot,

No worries on being away for a few days. Everyone has life going on. Writing this as I too sometimes feel obligated to get back and reply to folks. Sometimes I forget that I'm human. Lol... Really nice to hear from you!... Appreciate you sharing these helpful insights and wisdom!...

When tracing and trying to understand your feelings were you able to identify why they were there? Think what you may be saying is that analysing feelings whether true or not, is simply a matter of being aware. After my last lapse I traced my feelings-thoughts back to why did I choose to drink. They led back to past problems in my marriage. Strong feelings of being inadequate. Which set in motion feelings of self doubt, not feeling comfy in own skin. Which led to added anxiety. Which led to anger, poor me, pour me a drink. On top of not feeling physically well.

My ego at times has led to power and control issues. Your right Blindspot, this isn't about who's wrong or right. It's about feelings and thoughts and being okay with them. Then letting them go. Not acting on them with ethanol to numb and escape. Not stuffing our emotions. Respecting our differences of opinions, biases, hot buttons. Even if another chooses to not let things go we can choose to.

Tho my part time feminist ego is a bit amused at reading your amusement in trying to explain to your OH about your feelings. I may be wrong here and that's okay. But, I think woman in general are hard wired to be more aware of feelings than men. Communicating them as well. In my own 33 yr marriage I've learned, that if I push back to much, it's silent treatment. Sometimes just getting my SO to engage with communicating his feelings is like pulling teeth. Learning I will have to be satisfied with just that. No right or wrong answers here.

I wonder what your OH said after you explained the only reason for telling him was that your practicing mindfulness as a preventative tool for relapsing. No expectations if you don't want to answer.

I'm going to take some time processing this. Feel this will be quite helpful for self. I'm reminded to keep my own side of the street clean. Do I want to be right or happy? Letting go of expectations. Many times my SO is right and I learn from him often. Well now that he's matured. So have I. Again I'm going to take what ever time I need to process what you've written.

Thank you for sharing!...

Hope your day and week is going well. :hug: