Tail between legs

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

Hi Wild,

Good to hear from you,

Yes I can sometimes identify why the feelings are there (in this most recent case it was real obvious).

Sometimes our feelings are about the present situation, but often, as you pointed out, they are linked like a chain to situations in the past or old negative beliefs.

Sometimes it can be really helpful to unravel those old feelings, step outside them and understand them for what they are.

The most powerful thing you can do in the end is to let those old feelings and beliefs go.

Haha, when my OH tried his justifications on me, and I asked him not to, he said "but shouldn't I be trying to tell you when you're wrong, so you don't make the same mistaken belief again?" I said "no" lol.

I pointed out it was "Mindful Self-Inquiry", not "Judging". In the end he understood that I was using him to fess up to, not to be corrected (by *his* version of correct).

I don't need to share all my insights with him (I try to work on myself as a whole, not just with the drinking), but if it's craving-related, then it is safer to tell him about it. He agreed and I *think* he understood then that arguing with me about what happpened or trying to psychoanalyse me would just be counterproductive.

Hope you've had a good week
:hug:

[Wildflowers]

Re: Tail between legs

I wanted you to know I'm still processing this. This is my 2nd read thru. My first thought is, can I borrow "fess up to, not to be corrected". I will honestly give this more mindful thought. Not use this line as a one up. Generally, we don't behave this way towards each other that often anymore.. Been married too long.

Yet, he still thinks I'm in-capable of so many things. Example: He pulls into drive way and see's me beginning to shove non recyclable, extras into garbage. I tell him no, I've got it. Then he wants to tell me again. Not like an argument. But, gawd he annoys me. I mean crap, give me a little credit. You have things in house to attend to. His life long attitude and many time's his actions towards me have been like this. It triggers me. Low self esteem. Has before led me to the bottle. So, I'm going to try "Mindful-Self Inquiry" I feel confused on how to precisely approach this. Think it's feelings of helplessness and not in being in control. UGH.. Yes, I'm probably over thinking this. Then this am he makes this statement that I'm trying to control making breakfast, as he rarely cooks. My reaction is well that's the only place I have any control. Then silence.

See resentment forming. :disgust:
See wildflowers packing a bag and heading to isolation spot in forest. :horse:

Have told SO of cravings, too many times haven't. Who better to have on board than spousal unit. Tho think he gets tired of this. Can't blame him either.

It sounds like you have good, healthy communication, boundaries with OH. Your "Mindful Self-Inquiry" approach is helping both of you.

Life is a never ending process of learning and growth.

Thank you for writing about this. I'm learning. Hope somewhere along the line, able to offer positivity for you to Blindspot.

Hope your weekend has been good. :hug:

[Wildflowers]

Re: Tail between legs

Thankfully, within minutes my resentment turned to gratitude. He offered help, he cooked and I have someone to eat with. Many people have no one.

Still would like time alone in forest. :smile:

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

My OH does the same thing funnily enough. He'll say things like "Don't spill that" or "Make sure you do X". It does sometimes drive me mad, but that's not the healthiest way to respond.

There are two things about this: The past and the present.

PAST: I hate being criticised or seen as incapable (probably goes back to a very strict mum who nothing was good enough for). This is *my* stuff.

PRESENT: My partner really cares about me. He says these things, not to annoy me, or because he thinks I'm incapable, but because he cares and is concerned. I know that to be true because he has told me before how proud he is of my independence etc. And I notice he does little non-annoying things like if he's walking with me and there is a crisp packet on the floor, he'll nudge it out of my way (I'm not steady on my feet due to illness). So he says these things because of *his* stuff - his need to care or be sure of something.

So basically his *stuff* clashes with mine.

SOLUTION: Let it go. You can only change your reponses. Now when OH says something like that, I think of the non-annoying things (like nudging things out of the way when I walk), the fact that he is not my mother and does not mean to treat me like she did, and I can let it go.

[Wildflowers]

Re: Tail between legs

Thank you for breaking this down. Easier to comprehend. Relate to everything your saying. Now will try to get SO to understand. Funny how many of us marry someone like our parents. We all bring our own baggage into relationships. He actually opened up a bit last night and said what was on his mind.

Will continue to work on responding and not reacting. Learned this concept years back in AA and therapy.

I'm so very sorry for your illness. :hug: Very glad you have OH to help you. :smile: Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.

Being ill isn't fun. Am ill to, likely different then yours. One among many things Mom's- Mum's teach- taught, was there's always someone worse off. How right she was. Thinking of this young lad I've met through work with no legs.


I too am quite sceptical of Dr's. Hate that I have to go see a specialist soon. Will try to keep an open mind. Have had my fill of them over the years. Not just self but others.

Thank you for also making me smile a bit. Appreciate. Wished, I could offer help, but too far away. :saturn:

[kuya]

Re: Tail between legs

Thanks Neo - I agree, as soon as you can get back on the horse, do. I hate it when I read of people being sober for years, then crashing intto a 10-year relapse. That's why I want to adress this now so badly. I've had too many lapses, and I dread that I'll never get my "forever" sober.

Good luck this time my friend

I think you may have found part of the reason you keep crashing.........because sometime, somehow, you have bought into a BELIEF system that says this might happen.

Have a think about the period before the first relapse to see if you can track down the source.....it could be as simple as watching a movie or soap where a person in recovery relapsed or a conversation you had or overheard.

The brain is amazing at adopting new positions, even if to our detriment. This is particularly true if your quit felt obligatory rather than your choice.

If you cannot track it down don't worry, simply remember that the thought to drink is simply a desire to change mood.

Try to hold the thought that if you sit with that mood for a while it will shift on its own. In fact it will shift quicker if you simply sink into it.

[Blindspot]

Re: Tail between legs

Thanks kuya,

That's an interesting perspective. I am well aware of how powerful beliefs can be.

I know why I started relapsing - I was on a series of trial medications to try to deal with my chronic illness, but they completely messed up my mind and my body. The final one I tried made me feel suicidal. I dropped to 6 stone, despite eating normally, and ended up in hospital with pneumonia and sepsis. I was in intensive care and only just made it through.

Shortly afterwards, I had many sleepless nights as my cat was ill and I was having to get up and clean up after her at all hours despite trying to recover from the pneumonia, which was still very painful in my back and sides. Then she died, which broke my heart.

Now I know all these things messed me up, but the blindspots happened after this.

I looked back at my old journals about getting sober properly. I had always had difficulty with getting past a month, and then three months. It's a remarkably similar pattern to what has been happening now. Yes, my body and brain expect me to relapse at 1 month and 3 months and have sent me cravings to tell me about it.

So I've actually written my last drink date on my calendar now. I have made it past a month, with some strong cravings. Some were obvious, others I had to sit with mindfully to understand.

I will be particularly watching myself during these first few months, and making sure that i don't drink, no matter what. After that, I hope my brain will understand that I'm really not drinking anymore and it needn't try to trick or tempt me quite so much.

It will be nice to get back to that place where cravings and thoughts are fewer and more fleeting. I have a belief that that will happen, as it did before, so, while I will NOT be complacent about it if it doesn't go that way, maybe that's a good belief to have. It gives me something to aim for now, rather than feeling like I've lost the battle and will not conquer the enemy again.