I haven't been reading here or posting here as I should have been for a long time. If some of you don't know me, I am a long time abber - almost three years now with two or three minor occassions which some would call slips but I would not. To me a glass of wine on my birthday with my husband is not a slip - it is confidence and control. But I don't worry about that and with labels. That is another story.
I know I am a very hard core alcoholic. That's it. I don't want to make this long, since no one will read it. cut to the chase:
Since being AF for almost three years the question is, does the desire for alcohol just go away? I guess for some people it does, or at least they think or say it does. For me, it really never has. Yes, it is lower. Yes, I know how much happier I am without it. Yes, I know that for me it is absolute poison which I can't afford to have. No, I never ever want to go back to those driniking days of indescribable pain and of just not being able to live life for a single day - and that unfortunately went on for years with me. The pain was excruciating. Deadly. No, I will never ever go back there again. Never. No matter what.
The strange thing is and which I am still quite surprised at is that I still think about alcohol every day. I take the supplements which are great. i take topamax which has helped me tremedously. I know I am not going to drink today or tomorrow. I certainly wouldn't say I still want to, but I would say I am still tempted every day. It is like this big monkey is with me everyday holding this big flag in front of me every day tempting me. It is always still my choice and I can choose to say no and the monkey goes away for a while. It is not very hard now that I am used to it. I guess what I am saying is that I can control my behavior, but as committed as I am, I still cannot control my thoughts as much as I would like to. I must just learn to live with them.
This is not to say that there is not great joy and comfort in the AF lifestyle. It is so wonderful. My words are only to say that it may take constant vigilance and work. But believe me, it is always worth the effort.
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