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    New Here!

    Hi everyone. I've been reading these posts for probably over a year, started the supps. last year and just wasn't successful because my mind wasn't into it. I was trying to force myself somehow, I guess.

    A little about myself - I'm married, have one beautiful 10 year old boy. I've been married for 18 years, been with my husband for approx. 26 years.

    When my husband and I started dating, it was the party scene on the weekends. We partied with beer and other recreational drugs. At one point, cocaine was my addiction until my husband put a stop to that. I wouldn't have been able to say no, but he did.

    Moving into my 20's, continued partying, adding wine to the poison list. Was never a problem as far as obsessions go, but I did drink my fair share. Into my 30's, we added whiskey and vodka as partners to our beer. I found I didn't have to drink as much beer and that was less filling. What a great discovery! Into my later 30's, it became more of a problem, obsession, wanting it all the time. I'm 43 now, and for about 2 years, I've tried off and on to stop, moderate, talk myself into the fact that I'm not an alcoholic, that I'm just like everyone else. Not the case.

    I guess everyone's drinking can come from two sources. Our family genes and our experiences. I would say I'm a combo. There have been many family members that were alcoholics. And my experiences as a young person are memories of never feeling good enough. Always in my older beautiful sister's shadow. Very low self esteem my whole life. In my early 20's, I decided to take a shot at college to become a teacher. Well, I did it getting an A on every single test and class I took. I had to. I had to prove something to myself. But guess what. That didn't solve my self esteem issues. I still didn't think I was good enough. In my mid 20's, I got into a deep depression with extreme anxiety. I became afraid of everyone around me. A severe social anxiety. I got hives from head to toe talking with anyone, especially a superior, or whom I thought was superior. This extreme anxiety lasted a long time, and although it comes and goes, I've done better. Maybe all the years teaching has helped my confidence. But it still lurks around the corner. I think a lot of these issues resulted in my overindulgence and into an addiction. I've just gone 13 days without alcohol. I've done this many times before, but always seem to talk my way out of it.

    I can't talk my way out of it anymore. Something worse than getting a DUI is having your son see you drunk and not trust to be with you alone because he's afraid you're going to get drunk and not take care of him. I hope it's not too late to regain his trust back.

    At work, I'm always in the lead for sick days. That's pretty bad. And I know that other's notice my heavy drinking, and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to be that person. I want to be a good mother and wife. My husband has put up with so much crap such as making him take my son out for a few hours so I can drink. I've had many embarrassing episodes over the years that I hate myself for it.

    I started seeing a therapist and plan to start a new church this Sunday. I need God in my life now, can't do it without him. I want the peace and serenity that I think I deserve.

    I'm scared that I'll get weak at one point and I just will go back to my old patterns and ways. I'm afraid for my health since I've been such a binge drinker for many years.

    Have to go. Hope to hear from you soon.
    Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

    #2
    New Here!

    :hello2::colorwelcome::wave::groupluv: just do your best stay strong and think positive ..you can and will be able to do this .. good luck
    :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
    best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

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      #3
      New Here!

      Thank you for your pretty welcome!!!! I will stay strong and positive. I feel as though I've already gotten support and it feels good.

      j-vo
      Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

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        #4
        New Here!

        Hi J-vo

        I am wondering why you are posting on the long term abstainer thread. Are you a long term abstainer? How and why did you give up coke? You seem to have to have left many holes in your story. Are you AF now? Tell us of your challenges and struggles. We could all learn from your experiences.
        Rest in Peace, Bear. We miss you.

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          #5
          New Here!

          Dear J-vo,
          I just read your story and wanted to say I'm proud of you for coming such a long way!
          I know you said the therapist has helped you. Just curious, did you go to that church you talked about?
          Have you found the peace and serenity you've been looking for? I hope you don't mind my asking but just wondering if you have, is there still something missing?

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            #6
            New Here!

            Hello and Welcome J
            I was pretty amazed when I read your story. So much of it is my life too. Cocaine, anxiety, social phobia; never feeling good enough. I have always led my whole workplace in sick days too. Lousy feeling. I look forward to getting to know you better. Great job on 13 days. I stopped drinking, yet again, at 6:30 this morning, so Day One yet again tomorrow. I have no choice but to keep trying.
            "Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown)

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              #7
              New Here!

              Glad you are here! We can all do this together!
              "I've done it. I don't need to drink anymore. I'm free!"-Jason Vale

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                #8
                New Here!

                I bumped this up because J-vo is 65 days and ready to mod.
                See her ques for long-term mods.

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                  #9
                  New Here!

                  I was bumped up!

                  Well, I feel kind of good about that. Thanks for caring to bring back "my story" from a few months ago. Chief told me to rethink my mod plan because he had read my story. Yes, it's as bad as I remember typing. The experiences are something I never want to have again. When I tried to mod in the past, I'd never had any AF time under my belt. I never had a "plan" in place either. Nor a therapist. I think getting these months AF has made me see the great things in life that I'd let go and don't want to lose again, hence the detailed plan. In my plan, if I break any rules or see that it's too hard to follow, the alarm will go off and it's back to abstinence. I haven't even attempted this plan yet, because no "special" occasions have occured, but I'll keep you posted.
                  Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

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                    #10
                    New Here!

                    sound like a plan just do your best and here we are back in the holiday season ..so test you want test you get .. remember only you can do this for yourself ... and it all up to you how you want to handle them .. so try not to impress anyone but yourself .. and you are the only one that really counts .. when you put all your chips on the table... stay strong and think positive.. good luck
                    :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
                    best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

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                      #11
                      New Here!

                      j-vO Great job on 66 days AF. Good luck on the moderation; I will have to say, if I were going to try modding, I would choose another time of year...it will certainly be a challenge, but with a good plan doable. Best wishes to you, j. Kriger
                      "People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning." Lao-Tzu

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                        #12
                        New Here!

                        Thanks tlrgs and Kriger. Reading everyone's posts makes me nervous and second guess my plan! No, really, I appreciate the strong support here and yes, I need to keep on guard and think things through carefully, always.
                        Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

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                          #13
                          New Here!

                          The question is......Is it worth the risk of going back to where you were?.....and the statistics say you will.....

                          That's all I'm sayin'........just want you to think about it.

                          I'm not trying to change your mind.....it's just that I've seen this before.....

                          We're all with you, no matter what you decide...

                          Don

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                            #14
                            New Here!

                            life goes on,i to have been there and my yungin is in his 20 s now,he still remembers,but he also remembers the good ive done, your child will again have trust gyco

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                              #15
                              New Here!

                              j-vo,

                              Good work with your period of AF days. As you think through your plan, what weight are you assigning to the risk that you will damage the trust to your 10 year old that you write about in your initial post on this thread? I am not doubting the seriousness of your intentions or plans but I share the concern Don expresses. You may be one of the relatively few that can moderate, but you have considered I'm sure that you may not be. Do you want to have the seeds of doubt planted again in your life? Think of what insight you have gained about yourself in these past couple months. Many here can tell you that insight only deepens after 6, 8, or 12 months AF.

                              Good luck, be careful
                              July

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