Hi everyone. I've been reading these posts for probably over a year, started the supps. last year and just wasn't successful because my mind wasn't into it. I was trying to force myself somehow, I guess.
A little about myself - I'm married, have one beautiful 10 year old boy. I've been married for 18 years, been with my husband for approx. 26 years.
When my husband and I started dating, it was the party scene on the weekends. We partied with beer and other recreational drugs. At one point, cocaine was my addiction until my husband put a stop to that. I wouldn't have been able to say no, but he did.
Moving into my 20's, continued partying, adding wine to the poison list. Was never a problem as far as obsessions go, but I did drink my fair share. Into my 30's, we added whiskey and vodka as partners to our beer. I found I didn't have to drink as much beer and that was less filling. What a great discovery! Into my later 30's, it became more of a problem, obsession, wanting it all the time. I'm 43 now, and for about 2 years, I've tried off and on to stop, moderate, talk myself into the fact that I'm not an alcoholic, that I'm just like everyone else. Not the case.
I guess everyone's drinking can come from two sources. Our family genes and our experiences. I would say I'm a combo. There have been many family members that were alcoholics. And my experiences as a young person are memories of never feeling good enough. Always in my older beautiful sister's shadow. Very low self esteem my whole life. In my early 20's, I decided to take a shot at college to become a teacher. Well, I did it getting an A on every single test and class I took. I had to. I had to prove something to myself. But guess what. That didn't solve my self esteem issues. I still didn't think I was good enough. In my mid 20's, I got into a deep depression with extreme anxiety. I became afraid of everyone around me. A severe social anxiety. I got hives from head to toe talking with anyone, especially a superior, or whom I thought was superior. This extreme anxiety lasted a long time, and although it comes and goes, I've done better. Maybe all the years teaching has helped my confidence. But it still lurks around the corner. I think a lot of these issues resulted in my overindulgence and into an addiction. I've just gone 13 days without alcohol. I've done this many times before, but always seem to talk my way out of it.
I can't talk my way out of it anymore. Something worse than getting a DUI is having your son see you drunk and not trust to be with you alone because he's afraid you're going to get drunk and not take care of him. I hope it's not too late to regain his trust back.
At work, I'm always in the lead for sick days. That's pretty bad. And I know that other's notice my heavy drinking, and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to be that person. I want to be a good mother and wife. My husband has put up with so much crap such as making him take my son out for a few hours so I can drink. I've had many embarrassing episodes over the years that I hate myself for it.
I started seeing a therapist and plan to start a new church this Sunday. I need God in my life now, can't do it without him. I want the peace and serenity that I think I deserve.
I'm scared that I'll get weak at one point and I just will go back to my old patterns and ways. I'm afraid for my health since I've been such a binge drinker for many years.
Have to go. Hope to hear from you soon.
j-vo
A little about myself - I'm married, have one beautiful 10 year old boy. I've been married for 18 years, been with my husband for approx. 26 years.
When my husband and I started dating, it was the party scene on the weekends. We partied with beer and other recreational drugs. At one point, cocaine was my addiction until my husband put a stop to that. I wouldn't have been able to say no, but he did.
Moving into my 20's, continued partying, adding wine to the poison list. Was never a problem as far as obsessions go, but I did drink my fair share. Into my 30's, we added whiskey and vodka as partners to our beer. I found I didn't have to drink as much beer and that was less filling. What a great discovery! Into my later 30's, it became more of a problem, obsession, wanting it all the time. I'm 43 now, and for about 2 years, I've tried off and on to stop, moderate, talk myself into the fact that I'm not an alcoholic, that I'm just like everyone else. Not the case.
I guess everyone's drinking can come from two sources. Our family genes and our experiences. I would say I'm a combo. There have been many family members that were alcoholics. And my experiences as a young person are memories of never feeling good enough. Always in my older beautiful sister's shadow. Very low self esteem my whole life. In my early 20's, I decided to take a shot at college to become a teacher. Well, I did it getting an A on every single test and class I took. I had to. I had to prove something to myself. But guess what. That didn't solve my self esteem issues. I still didn't think I was good enough. In my mid 20's, I got into a deep depression with extreme anxiety. I became afraid of everyone around me. A severe social anxiety. I got hives from head to toe talking with anyone, especially a superior, or whom I thought was superior. This extreme anxiety lasted a long time, and although it comes and goes, I've done better. Maybe all the years teaching has helped my confidence. But it still lurks around the corner. I think a lot of these issues resulted in my overindulgence and into an addiction. I've just gone 13 days without alcohol. I've done this many times before, but always seem to talk my way out of it.
I can't talk my way out of it anymore. Something worse than getting a DUI is having your son see you drunk and not trust to be with you alone because he's afraid you're going to get drunk and not take care of him. I hope it's not too late to regain his trust back.
At work, I'm always in the lead for sick days. That's pretty bad. And I know that other's notice my heavy drinking, and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to be that person. I want to be a good mother and wife. My husband has put up with so much crap such as making him take my son out for a few hours so I can drink. I've had many embarrassing episodes over the years that I hate myself for it.
I started seeing a therapist and plan to start a new church this Sunday. I need God in my life now, can't do it without him. I want the peace and serenity that I think I deserve.
I'm scared that I'll get weak at one point and I just will go back to my old patterns and ways. I'm afraid for my health since I've been such a binge drinker for many years.
Have to go. Hope to hear from you soon.
j-vo
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