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    #31
    The Beast is still here...

    Chief:

    Here is my theory, of why these things get us at weird times.
    Just my current pet theory of course.

    I figure that during our drinking days, we drank to cope or to become "sociable" in situations 1 through 525 say. It put an imprint in our brains, that this works as a great survival system emotionally or mentally, since the unpleasant stress, or reduced inhibitions were temporarily suspended.

    So, after our brains and bodies figure out that this system is actually destroying us, we get sober. This may take just a couple of years, or in the more stubborn cases (like mine), over 35 years.

    So then situations 1 through 525 arise, and with that the urge is triggered again. After a while, we get better and better at dealing with the triggers and situations. After a year, or two, or three, we get quite a few things worked out. There are some situations, like number 57 out of 525 that are what I call the "killer" triggers, and they cause a massive storm. Been there, done that many times. So we have to figure out a new strategy to deal with it.

    Brigid may have had the better description, on escaping that number 57 out of 525. As we get each thing in ourselves worked out, then we go on, and are fine for a while until the next one hits. Say number 108 out of 525. Then a storm hits again. We get through it though, by applying things we learned.

    Getting sober is learning how to deal with all those things over time. Learning how to live again, without the crutch of the bottle to tide us over.

    So I fully expect number 238 out of 525 to get me any day now. It will just happen, and maybe the only way I could avoid it, is to stay in my bed and never get out. Well, that is no good, so I got to get with my own program, and do battle.

    It is part of the process what you are experiencing now. We help each other by saying I've been there too. The thing is, your storm right now, is maybe one I have not been through yet. So that is what keeps me on my toes, and drives my determination. We can share these storms here on this forum, and it does help.

    Will I ever get all 525 out of 525 worked out? Probably not in this lifetime, but I can keep on working. I get better at it, every time I fly through a storm. Getting through those hurricanes is rough, especially when you are in the eye, and think the storm is already passed, only to hit the wind going the other way hard.

    But we learn, and the air clears a little more after each one.


    Neil

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      #32
      The Beast is still here...

      Thank you, Neil.....makes perfect sense.

      Don

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        #33
        The Beast is still here...

        hey chief my mother is and has been a sober person by nature her entire life. and sometimes she has fantasies or thoughts of sitting down by herself and drinking a whole bottle of rum. She never does of course.

        I sometimes daydream of smoking cigarrettes, some weird uncosnscious thoughts cause when I am lucid I think cigarrettes are just awful

        it's the mind playing some crazy tricks.

        just let it pass like a fleeting dream
        You can't turn a pickle into a cucumber

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          #34
          The Beast is still here...

          As always, Chief, thank you for your honesty and no bullshit demeanor.

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            #35
            The Beast is still here...

            Don
            you said this...
            then why am I having these thoughts?....and why all of a sudden, after 14 months?....these are the questions I'm trying to figure out......

            this is the nuts of what you need to be working on now. Keep at it... by working on these issues, things change. Face yourself. You are ok and you are strong enough - working on it is working forwards.. and thats the only way to go.

            Brigid

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              #36
              The Beast is still here...

              My dear Don. We've been friends a long time and have been on this sobriety thing for a long time together. You and I and Star. It's never easy. I have written about this several times on long term abs and then stopped writing about it since no one seemed to want to read about it any more. The Beast never goes away. At least he doesn't for me. You know I've been sober for about four years, but I still know the Beast is in my house somewhere. The bottles aren't anymore, but I still know the Beast is.

              He is waiting. He sneaks up on me at night when I am tossing and turning and can't sleep due to anxiety. When I go through one of my depressions, he is licking his chops to pounce on me. And sometimes he just tries a sneak attack for no reason and I have to wrestle him back into his closet. I'm so fucking tired of this. So fucking tired of it. But I know I have to do it and I know I have to do it the rest of my life.

              Don't get me wrong. You know me well and you know I am much happier sober than the life I used to live. I'll take this life any day.

              I know you well also. I know how much happier you are sober. I know you will let this time pass and get through it. You have so many dear friends here who will go through it with you.

              WW is so right. Sobriety brings so many profound changes that we never even expected when we threw away the bottle. I am still feeling so many of those changes. I think that the longer I am sober, the more profound the changes become. Change can be hard to deal with, especially the deep changes. How did we used to deal with hard things in the past? We reached for the bottle. We can't do that anymore so are also learning new ways to deal with new changes. It's tough. That's when the Beast comes in and tries to take advantage.

              He's not gonna get you Don. I know you and love you and won't let him. And I know you won't let him. Call me anytime, buddy.



              P.S. Hi Trixie - good to hear from you xoxo
              Rest in Peace, Bear. We miss you.

              Comment


                #37
                The Beast is still here...

                Thanks, Mags....I'm almost through the storm.....The Beast is still talking, but I can tell he's getting tired...

                I think I've just about got him cornered....

                It means so much to me to hear from people who are farther down this road than I am.....it's not about quitting drinking...it's about learning to live without drinking...

                Thanks again....your the best..

                Don

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                  #38
                  The Beast is still here...

                  [QUOTE=irishlady;443227]WIP, that is so true.
                  It is a good idea to come on here and post about things like this, because otherwise people out there trying to go AF will think to themselves, " why am I the only one having a hard time, the long termers seem to be doing ok. " Well, some days we are doing fine, but there are bad days as well.

                  Hi Don,
                  see this yesterday but could not post im not a long termer.....im glad you posted, no one is going to judge you . you are not going to discourage anyone. i will keep on trying as long as it takes.
                  Irishlady is so right, plus i bet you feel a lot better that you have posted this now, keeping this to yourself is dangerous. i always say to myself this place is a healing place.
                  Dont take this the wrong way i always thought you were super human that you would never let the beast in your thinking thoughts that you dismiss them straight away.
                  Just to let you know you are my Super Hero.
                  re-reading your post something stood out for me it might not be nothing but you say about this person Fil have stop drinking 10years and now he drinks on specal occasion....maybe at the back of your mind your thinking thoughts about him my lead you to be thinking this way...testing the water.
                  I think so long as you are scare that is good think, but excite, my brother uses that one if he has any money in his hand.
                  im glad your your almost through the storm.
                  So long as you dont invite or welcome the beast in your house he will not enter through that front door, even if the door is open.

                  Thank you for sharing this honest post.

                  Take care

                  Love
                  Teardrop.x
                  family is everything to me

                  Comment


                    #39
                    The Beast is still here...

                    Wow, lots of people I really respect here. At only 4 months I think about the issues mentioned here a lot. Some of my friends say they have cut back. Because of me, they took a look at their own drinking. While being supportive, I don't think they really understand like the people here do. I think I'm different than my friends. Some of them don't realize the extent of my drinking. I think I have an addictive personality. Not just to alcohol. I know the Ahhhhh feeling. I know the momentary relief from stresses etc. It is hard to deal with issues in your life without that little relief. I am having so many unwanted emotions going through divorce at this time and I would love to escape them. But I need to understand them rather than flee from them and I have to do that sober. I don't dare have a drink. I know what will happen. I carried a bee sting kit for years and years and finally had an allergy test done. It was negative but the allergist told me to not be foolish and go fishing or hiking somewhere remote without one. The reason was that at any time if I were to be stung, my body may remember and react like it did to that one yellowjacket. It was unpleasant. It was life threatening. So I think that if I were to "test the waters" with a drink or two, that reaction may very well happen to me and I don't want to risk it. My friends ask me will I ever drink again or is this just for now. They make excuses for me. They say they think I drank so much because of my husband. That it is situational and when I am through this divorce and find a new job I will be so much better and I can be a "normal" drinker again. I don't think I was EVER a "normal" drinker. I just say "I don't know right now" but deep down inside I do know. If I try to be what I'm not I'll end up being what I am. I can't do that again. I just can't. I'll probably hang around this forum as long as I can type.

                    Thank you for all your wise words. I for one am very grateful for the open honesty.
                    sigpic
                    Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

                    Comment


                      #40
                      The Beast is still here...

                      greeneyes;444711 wrote: I know the Ahhhhh feeling.
                      This struck a chord with me greenie, as I constantly wonder why I crave "Ahhhh" more than others I know. I happened to be cruising around MWO's research center the other day and was reading about amino acids. It mentioned that they are helpful for those with Reward Deficiency Syndrome. Is this the term we should be using when we say we have addictive personalities? It also refers to "winning", which might explain gambling addictions, etc. Just a thought...but it helps me when I take all of my supps/amino acids/All One - to think I may be quieting the voice that is screaming for "Ahhhhhh"!

                      Thanks Don, for this great thread. Stay strong! :h
                      You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and respect. ~ Buddha

                      Comment


                        #41
                        The Beast is still here...

                        That's interesting river. I do think it has a lot to do with amino acids, seratonin, dopamine, etc. Also I would find some bit of satisfaction in sucessfully hiding it, sick as that is (winning). Like I got away with something - while I was destroying myself.
                        sigpic
                        Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

                        Comment


                          #42
                          The Beast is still here...

                          Don, I said it yesterday at the chat sight, you are my new role model. Thanks for sharing- Deb I think I am going to print this out, and carry it in my wallet- and bring it out when I need to

                          dlw
                          DLW
                          Sobriety since October 2008 ( with a few bumps in the road ) - but I am still here, strong and fighting every day for my sobriety!
                          And every day is a challenge - But I am WINNING so far!



                          • Yesterday is History
                            Today is a Mystery
                            Tomorrow is a GIFT

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                            #43
                            The Beast is still here...

                            Hi Don

                            Are you sure your father-in-law really only does have 2-3 drinks? Or can he just control it when he is out with people. Has he been able to do this without lapses?

                            I guess I am a little skeptical.

                            I know a lot of people call this thing the Beast but that is not really a symbol I like to use. To me it sounds perfectly understandable that you would feel like you want to join in with family and maybe a little competitive with FIL. If he can do it why not you?

                            I think maybe some people can make that transition from being a bad alcoholic to one under control, at least in theory it is possible. The question is, how much risk do you want to take? And what does your track record show about the likelihood of success? Your track record shows the chances are low. so then it becomes this idea of taking a huge amount of risk, going against all the things you learned and gained in the last 14 months, for what sounds like proving a point with your inlaws.

                            The consequences of taking that huge risk against what you know about yourself from direct experience are what keep people on the straight and narrow. Sounds like he is taking that risk.

                            For what it's worth, I don't think having a few rum and cokes doesn't make someone manly. It takes a lot of strength to walk away from something you love but which almost destroyed you.

                            Comment


                              #44
                              The Beast is still here...

                              Chief,
                              I am only on day 75 or so; I'm not a long termer by any stretch but I value the content of all these posts by people who are. I need to read things like I have read here to keep me in the mindset I need to stay in. I have had very few cravings in these past 75 days (after the first week or so) but I do know these feelings come from "out of the blue" when they come to me. I hope I am as strong as you are and all the other long termers are to resist when that time comes. Once again I would like to thank everyone here for all the wisdom that is shared- it has been (and will continue to be) the help I need on this journey. My best to you Chief; I'm glad the storm is subsiding for you! Kriger
                              "People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning." Lao-Tzu

                              Comment


                                #45
                                The Beast is still here...

                                Reading the posts in this thread has been inspiring this morning. Thanks for all the openness and honesty shown. I feel a lot stronger today having read them.

                                I've tried recently to look at my drinking from the perspective that I could take it or leave it; hoping in turn that this would alleviate the pressure of 'the beast' in my head. I thought if I was to say I could never drink again the pressures would be too great for me. So I gave myself the option to drink if I so desired hoping that without the pressure of trying to mount up all this AF time it would just come naturally to me and I wouldn't want to drink anyway (which in most cases I don't). But I realise through reading these posts that today I'm not even entering into the battle and as Neil mentioned I may as well be laying in bed with my head under the covers. Admittedly I've had a lot of heartache recently but I know I can't afford to be idle anymore and wallow.

                                Today is a new day for me in my thinking and it's thanks to all of you and especially Don for sharing his 'troubles'.

                                Love and Happiness
                                Hippie
                                xx
                                "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
                                Clean and sober 25th January 2009

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