The Beast is still here...

[gyco]

The Beast is still here...

hi chief.i wanted to do a follow up,I have to start doing tht,like drinking,many of us dont look back on the comments we have made,probably because, our brains over the many years of abuse of a substance, has made us like tht,your thread is AMAZING,so is the support from your FREINDS here,,, and you showed a desire to control yourself,does the world stop for us ,cause we cant say NO,i recently went to my councillor,AA did not do the trick for me,,like b4,and the book tells you tht,it does not work for all,and then we have here,note the name ,new,Myyyyyyy WAY OUT,options,i do beleive in my heart,bill and bob who created the program and finished it between 1934 and 1939,there are other outs,not just one,modding is a risk after 10 months tht I had of from sobriety AGIAIN,,I had choices,i did ntohave a problem stopin,just a problem stayin stopped,I also beleive I ,speak for myself,, I , have self will,to say NO, to say I have to get out of this situation,cause it is affecting my will to stay sober,it is but YOUR CHOICE,to say NO,and your choice to go back to the other WAY,on tht note keep the thread going and good luck on your life decisions Gyco another struggling person

[Cinders]

The Beast is still here...

Gyco and everyone else,

Gyco said it well for me. "I did not have a problem stopping... just staying stopped."

I hate this about me. I can go for days, weeks, months and be SO HAPPY I have quit, then one day....

The beast "talks" to me. I listen every single time.

I am one of the weak ones. One of those who let "him/her" take the reins of my life and lead me where they will.

I am a control freak. An engineer, a mathematician, a DBA that "knows" I cannot let anything else rule me but I do.

I hate that about myself.

You guys have figured out the right way to look at this disease. I haven't. I remember the AAAHHHH too well.

So, I keep falling flat on the 230 out of 525. I do.

I am tired of being one of the failures. I really am. Mags called me yesterday and said "Quit beating yourself up."

Well. If I don't beat myself up, when will I quit? If you can understand what I am saying.

I hurt my husband, I hurt my grandchildren, I hurt my parents. I hurt me.

I am tired of it.

Sorry to post a "non" positive thread but that is where I am today. I just want to quit wanting to. I do not do abstaining, be it, food, cigarettes, alcohol, over working, whatever.

Perhaps, truly, I am one of those who will not beat the beast but let him kill me. That scares me but it is a truth that I must look straight in the face of and decide where I want to be.

Love,
Cindi

[A Work in Progress]

The Beast is still here...

Cinders;445505 wrote: ....
I am a control freak. An engineer, a mathematician, a DBA that "knows" I cannot let anything else rule me but I do.

....
I am tired of being one of the failures. I really am. Mags called me yesterday and said "Quit beating yourself up."

Well. If I don't beat myself up, when will I quit? If you can understand what I am saying.

Cinders, truly, I understand where you are coming from. Controlling things feels so familiar. It feels as if we should be able to control our thoughts, our emotions, our impulses.

And being punitive with ourselves feels so familiar. It feels as if we MUST be harsh with ourselves when we fail, otherwise (we fear that) we will fail all the time.

But in these matters, it turns out that paradox is more often true. The more we try to control some things, the more out of control they get. And, the more harsh we are with ourselves, the more likely we are to "act out." To put it another way, The Beast thrives when we are being harsh with ourselves... because it gives him the opportunity to offer us a very seductive way out of the unpleasantness that we sometimes create within our own conscious minds.

In an approach called mindfulness-based relapse prevention, we learn much more about "acceptance" than about "control," and about using self-compassion instead of harshness. We don't use those methods because we are weak, but because they are effective. And the truth is that we have to become very strong to learn acceptance (of our inevitable thoughts, impulses, cravings, emotional lows) and self-compassion.

This is an approach that is receiving quite a bit of support in the scientific literature. It is very helpful with depression and anxiety disorders, as well.

There's a wonderful book that talks about all this, called Mindful Recovery, by Bien and Bien.

wip

[Starlight Impress Forever]

The Beast is still here...

I believe in you, cindi. :l

Mags, your post really struck a chord with me. I`ve never really thought of it like that before, that despite the bottles no longer being in my house, the Beast is still resident and "licking his chops" like the vulture he is by nature, but that is indeed how it is..........

Another thing you said really spoke to me.........how when depression and anxiety strike, the temptation to drink can peak. We`ve spoken about this before, and I do think the secret to long-term success lies in us learning to savour living our lives in a sober, not sombre,state.........not always easy.

I think I used to just allow myself to be overwhelmed by the enormity of sobriety and how we can no longer simply "be" as we were before becoming sober. It is no longer a one-off achievement as I used to think.........it`s an ongoing experience. I do feel totally inadequate living this experience, but I now feel the tiniest little spark of confidence telling me that I can do this. It`s going to be a long road for sure.........I need to find ME again........I don`t really know how to, yet I know she lies within me as she has done all along.........

Star x

[xtexan]

The Beast is still here...

This is to Cinders, but it can apply to a lot of folks struggling.

One thing I used to believe with all my heart, that was that I was weak, and just did not have the strength to stop drinking and destroying myself. As I have written many times, it took a very close brush with being dead from pneumonia (because of drinking and smoking) to bring things into focus.

So what I have to say is this. I found that I was ultimately able to strengthen myself emotionally, by strengthening myself physically and mentally. Our bodies, are not separate little pieces of machinery. A brain, a heart, a liver, all being separate little pieces operating independently from each other. Our bodies are a whole, contiguous system.

I found that when I exercised, in a myriad of ways. Running, weightlifting, bicycling, rowing, chopping wood, whatever that thoughts of drinking and thoughts of smoking seemed to magically disappear for a bit. Even in my first week of quitting smoking, I had to stop what I was doing every hour or so, and go outside, and walk briskly outside in the cold air to ?purge the urge? as I call it. I got a pedometer, and starting keeping track of how far I went in my walks. That information, satisfies the mind, that the body is gaining strength and endurance.

It was desperation, to not be dead that drove my efforts. Pure survival. I had come way too close to the end, and something inside down deep said ?Not now, not this way?

Physical strength will give emotional strength to do battle.

I began meditating, at first just a couple times a week as that was all I could handle. Then more as I went on. Meditation, done with the purpose of quieting, and silencing all thought is just as difficult as running or bicycling or weightlifting. It requires little baby steps, and not trying to become a Zen master in just one day, or trying to become an Olympic athlete in one day.

Bit by bit, meditation organizes the thoughts, and gives mental strength. Somehow, by magic, after a while, the physical and mental actions of exercise and meditation give emotional strength. It is just by osmosis somehow, and it is magic.

Mental strength, will give emotional strength to do battle.

So for me, it was not just about supplements (even though I still take them to control anxiety). Funny thing is, that I am slowly using less and less of them over time. Something is happening, over the long haul, which is encouraging, and drives further desire to get even stronger. I am healing.

="font-family: Times New Roman;">So please, do not resign yourself to a philosophy of not having the strength. I did at one time, and almost died in a very unpleasant way. The fact that you are alive, and writing things here, means that you have the desire to get the strength you need to become sober.

I guess the thing I want to emphasize, is that the booze destroys our inner strengths in a global way, and in order to get those strengths back, we have to fight back in a global way. When I realized that, then I could go forward. It may seem weird, that adding a little muscle mass, or having the capacity to walk another 100 yards, or losing a few pounds gives one emotional strength, but it does.

Feed your mind with whatever motivational books or recordings you can find, that appeal. Amazingly, a lot of stuff is free on the Internet. I think R.J. gave some links a while back to the Hayhouse radio series of podcasts, and that is another thing I do that requires not much effort at all. Books and audio programs are like nutritional supplements in their own right. Many times, I have derived strength from the well chosen words of a great author.

You can get strength to win. You can help yourself. Even if the booze has beat the total crap out of you, and you feel all strength is gone, you can start by reading. Just like this post you just read. I get strength from writing things like this. It is win-win.

Be well.

Neil

[Chief]

The Beast is still here...

Cindi,

You are NOT one of the one's who will not beat The Beast.....You are a fighter, a true fighter who keeps getting up when knocked down.....you have proven this time after time.

Please don't allow yourself to have these negative thoughts about yourself.....like Neil said, when you find yourself getting in a funk or catch yourself listening to The Beast, change what you're doing. Go for a walk, get some fresh air, do something that requires effort and a little work to get your blood pumping and your brain working. I know it sounds simple, but it works. I can't tell you how many times I've gone for a run this past week or so when The Beast was on my ass with a vengence......but I didn't drink.

We all love you, Cindi.....get yourself up and out of this drinking thinking......do not give in....no matter what....

Don :l

[Heavenly]

The Beast is still here...

I agree with Neil and Chief ... Cindi don't give in... I was like you before I eventually gave up ... I was so bad and kidding myself I was moderating etc
You know me from May 2007 when I first joined here and I have had a lot of struggles (let's not go there !) and I am still sober, but you can do it too ... please keep trying ... days af here and there are better than drunk every day....

Even if I caved in now I will be glad of those 18 months and will start again ... just keep checking in and letting us know... I am here if you need to pm me ....

Heavenly x

[SAUSAGE]

The Beast is still here...

Chief
Your post has really helped me - I'm on day 49 Af and struggling with "the beast" tonight - yet had been doing really well over last few weeks. I started my own thread tonight asking for help as I really fancied a drink and someone replied and directed me to this thread and it's helped a lot - thank you

[A Work in Progress]

The Beast is still here...

Fantastic post, Neil. Exercise and meditation are probably the two best "supplements" that anyone could possibly use in recovery... Strengthening our bodies/minds is of maximum importance in this work...

wip

[Chief]

The Beast is still here...

Sausage...I just posted on your thread....

You are in charge of this whole deal......you are.

Don

[LVT25]

The Beast is still here...

I just want to thank and praise you long term af'ers that stick around here and take the time to offer your advice and experience.

:thanks: :thanks: :thanks: :thanks:

[Peacefull]

The Beast is still here...

I can sooooo relate.

[Cinders]

The Beast is still here...

PeaceSeeking,

I am glad you posted this.

I have been reading today all about our addiction and apparently, once we have changed our brain chemistry, and we do, it takes many, many years for it to get back to normal, which would allow moderate drinking.

But, then we are stuck with the original problem that led us to abusing alcohol to begin with.

There is so much out there on our disease but only a few researchers working on it. Really sad when you read that 1 out of 10 adults abuses alcohol.

Of those who do, 40% usually die from the effects of alcohol.

I am so grateful RJ did so much research and I am grateful there are a few out there trying to help.

Glad to see you here and hope you get back to a good long sober stretch. The anxiety from drinking is incredible. I get it, too.

Love,
Cinders

[toughintexas]

The Beast is still here...

Don, you know you've been an inspiration to me, I steal your quote "its harder to keep drinking, than to quit", all the time. I've really had struggles lately, most that read the 30 dy. thread know about it....so I won't go into it....its no excuse anyway! I'm starting AF today, again....lol...I just do great mod'ing, then fall off the bridge, the Beast just takes pleasure in giving me the shove too.... It really does make EVERYTHING worse to have the anxiety of counting drinks, then failing to keep "tabs", and wake up with that utter dread and sickness, and disappointment and shame.... Lordy, waking up sober and popping out of bed, is sooooo much easier! I agree with Neil, as long as I work on my mind and body, not drinking is so much easier NOT to do, if the rest of your "being" is taken care of.... I pray alot, and that helps, I pray for strength, I see the Beast as the Devil himself, so when I start thinking of taking a drink, I immediately try to "pray him away"...the Beast that is.... I tell him he may be evil, and big, and bad, but he has nothing on My Big Guy. I'm still in the battle too, but, this site, and everyone sharing, and helping, will help me be a success...has before, will again... I just wanted to tell ALL OF YOU how much I appreciate this site, your honesty, struggles, and support.....Love you guys a ton and a bucketful! Cindi, you WILL be ok, you "pray it away" too girlfriend! Chief, Bear is "upstairs" pulling for you too, you might just turn a face to the clouds and give him a shout out.....lol.....I'm sure he'd like to hear from one of the guys for a change, Cindi and I have probably worn him out!

[Cinders]

The Beast is still here...

TIT,

You know, whenever I go out back at night and look up and see the Big Dipper, I say Hi to Bear.

You will be great, TIT. You know what you have to do, just like I do.

Let's pray together, girl. We are tough women, both of us. :l

Love,
Cindi