I?ve just spent a few hours looking over old posts on this site and copies of posts that I put onto the board that got lost. I?ve also been looking at some new posts too. I?m not really part of this community as I used to be but I used to hang off every post on this site 3 years ago.
Well today it is three years without a drop of alcohol for me. Three years ago this seemed like impossibility but it is not, it is real and it is now and I did it and am doing it. I?d say that I did not reach rock bottom but I saw it coming ? I got close enough to get very scared. I know some people have to go pretty low, but I?m a lucky one. Wine was my mechanism.. blackout was my escape. I think I could have gone lower than I did. A big part of me doubted that I could get sober, but it turns out that I am tougher than I thought I was, thank goodness.
In the beginning, I thought, if only I can get sober everything else will sort out. Well, it?s not quite like that, but it sure helps to be sober when the other crap continues!!
So, after three years do you think I can start moderating my drinking? I?ve read so many people who start out from a bad drinking place and then they think, maybe I can start moderating now (usually after 30 days or something) and so many of them I have watched fail. Of my friends who over drink, I think they delude themselves when they ?think? they are moderating, just as I used to. I do not personally know anyone who has done it successfully, long term, and by that I mean 10 years plus. Whenever someone talks about moderating my heart sinks so I don?t talk about it for myself. If I?m honest with myself, I know moderation is too great a risk for me and I never managed it. That core of honesty in me has remained solid and I hold onto it for dear life. I really do not believe that someone who has drunk badly for 10 or more years or who drank to escape emotion as I did can end up doing moderation? I just don?t (please note that I am not saying anything about anyone else, just stating my opinion as it relates to me). If I accept why I drank (and assuming I am right in my underlying reason why I drank) then why would I try a taste of that again as I know where it took me. When I think of moderation I think of that Audrey Kishline woman.. the head of that moderation management group? and what moderation led her to ? it would lead me to the same delusion, I know. I?m still young at abstinence. 3 years is nothing, but its all I?ve got. I?ll feel ok when I?ve done about 20 years, I reckon. (says she hopefully)
I think that I got to a rock solid realisation that I was killing myself and that underneath it, actually I did not want to die, even though I was deeply unhappy. And even this far along on my road, there are still times when things are tough. I?ve had some huge issues to deal with this year, to be frank, but what good would drink do in my situation. Absolutely nothing. A drink or a slip or a relapse or whatever it gets called is simply not an option because it represents a path to my self destruction?. a path that I have decided to alter. Another thing which has altered is my chasing the action. I no longer swoop into rescue mode when friends are in strife.. I no longer try to spend time fixing other peoples problems at the expense of my own. I DO help and I DO listen and I DO act for my friends, but not at my OWN expense? there is a difference. Its like I am seeking the peace now ? not the action.
So what do I do now that I?m sober. Well I continue the work on myself. My diet has remained good. My exercise has become a way of life. Meditation is also part of life. People tell me how good I look now that I?m fit, but I?m more interested in how I?m feeling and that is my focus. The nature of my friendships has altered. I cannot be bothered with meaninglessness anymore (harsh but its where I am). If I know you, I want to know what you feel and who you are and I want you to know the same about me. I?m not interested in superficiality or pretence or the false and fragile laughter of the alcoholic buzz. Actually reading that last little bit I sound pretty intense, which I guess I am. Well, that?s me. Sure there are lingering things that will continue to be issues in my life, but they no longer consume me and I have the skills and strategies to deal with them as they arise. I used to drink to avoid emotion, but that is no longer the case. I can survive emotion and living emotions and dealing with them has made me a better person and I?d like to say perhaps, made me easier to live with. I am not someone who has given this up to a higher power because actually it?s me that has done this, not some abstract power. I take responsibility for getting me into that hole I was in 3 years ago and I?m the one who has climbed out. I don?t think a website can get you sober, or a pill. I don?t think prayer can do it either. I?m not saying that these things don?t have a place for some people, and I?m not saying that finding people on this site who were trying to get sober and sharing information with them didn?t help me cos it did. But it was more than that - much much more.. I can no longer blame anyone other than myself if I drink. I cannot blame God.. or some pill or some website ? I cant even blame an ?issue?. It does not matter how much I learn about brain function or personality typing and believe me, I researched that no end, it?s my actions that matter. If I drink I can only blame me. Similarly, if I?m unhappy then that is something I need to work on. It?s all up to me. This is my way.
I did a fair bit of research before I started to go sober and most of it suggested that the first three years were the tough ones. I?d agree with that. Sure, getting on top of being able to stay sober has its highlights, but I think the research I read about was talking more about the underlying issues. There have been times of delusion when I thought that now I was sober I could change everything in my life (in a running away fashion ? and much like I used to run to the bottle), but that may not necessarily be the right thing to do. I made a promise to myself at the beginning that I would not make any major decisions for 3 years. I?m glad I kept that promise to myself, because over time I have come to think differently about many things and it all seems to work out in the end. If I stand where I am in my own skin and face myself in all my ugliness, unhappiness, bitterness and despair ? that is where the change needs to occur. That is my truth. And in doing so I have found that I am actually not so ugly after all and I can and am increasingly finding peace.
I truly believe that everyone who comes to a site such as this, or the other sites that are out there knows in their heart what they need to do to fix things in their lives. For me I had to face some deep pain and tackle it long and hard. This is the hardest thing I?ve ever done in my life and the best. It?s not good enough to talk about this stuff, or to read about it.. I just had to do it properly ? and it takes sobriety, time and energy to do this stuff, but doing it has changed me.
No going back for me, no ways. I cannot find the words to describe how much better life is? (note, I?m not saying life is perfect just cos I?m sober, because it is NOT perfect at all) but I can deal with things now. You know, I look at old people and I wonder, was their life happy? If I don?t make my life happy then I can expect no one else to make me happy. My happiness cannot be reliant on someone else because I know I cannot be responsible for anyone else?s happiness. Sure we all have an impact on each other, but you know what I mean. I?d say this is growing up at last. If I spend my life wanting to be someone else, or wishing my life could be different then I?m in a dream. Far better to live MY life as ME and to be ok with it. I?m into DOING things now.. not thinking about them or sitting and wishing.
I had already decided to turn my life around when I found this site. I did not do RJ?s program, but my own. I have not read her book or become a paying member.. to me getting sober was an individual thing just about me.. and what I did was what I knew I should do, not what someone else did.. Similarly I did not do AA. This site may not be the best place for someone, just as AA is not for everyone. Before I started I researched quite a lot. All AA said was ?this is the only way? ? and not having read RJ?s book, I was not clear what was being proposed on this site, but I got the feeling that there was a pill being offered and there was a lot of hope of moderation here. This site was very young and to be frank, it was the people posting that made a difference to me and that was an opportunity which I took. When I started I wanted someone else to have the answer for me but I had to find it in myself. In the end most of my work has been inner work, and to do that I had to stay sober. At its heart, this is a lonely task.. no one can do it for me and I can do it for no one but myself. However, saying some honest things about how difficult that first bit was on this forum in this anonymous way did help me a lot and for that I was glad I posted here even though the offer of moderation on this board was so confronting for me, given how much I disagree with it for myself and for the vast majority who come a website seeking help for over drinking. However, no one could tell me what to do, just as I can tell no one but myself. I will never forget how hard that first bit of sobriety was and I will never forget some kind people (no longer on the forum) who helped me in the beginning. I used to spend time and energy trying to help people on this site to get sober.. as my way of paying it back, but now I just try to say it as it is for me. I can do no more.
Anyway my program to sobriety was
Cold turkey
Honesty
Organic diet
Meditation
Counselling
Inner work
Exercise (core strength, weights and cardio is important to me)
Determination
I did not do meds (I had spent enough years self medicating) I don?t do supplements
I have no need to run into the bottle anymore cos I?m ok. I am alive and happiness is mine to choose. My life is better this way, there is no doubt. Do I miss drinking? NO. I?m living in my own skin and life is much easier this way. I guess I am just continuing to walk away from the insanity that was my life 3 years ago.
About time too
Well today it is three years without a drop of alcohol for me. Three years ago this seemed like impossibility but it is not, it is real and it is now and I did it and am doing it. I?d say that I did not reach rock bottom but I saw it coming ? I got close enough to get very scared. I know some people have to go pretty low, but I?m a lucky one. Wine was my mechanism.. blackout was my escape. I think I could have gone lower than I did. A big part of me doubted that I could get sober, but it turns out that I am tougher than I thought I was, thank goodness.
In the beginning, I thought, if only I can get sober everything else will sort out. Well, it?s not quite like that, but it sure helps to be sober when the other crap continues!!
So, after three years do you think I can start moderating my drinking? I?ve read so many people who start out from a bad drinking place and then they think, maybe I can start moderating now (usually after 30 days or something) and so many of them I have watched fail. Of my friends who over drink, I think they delude themselves when they ?think? they are moderating, just as I used to. I do not personally know anyone who has done it successfully, long term, and by that I mean 10 years plus. Whenever someone talks about moderating my heart sinks so I don?t talk about it for myself. If I?m honest with myself, I know moderation is too great a risk for me and I never managed it. That core of honesty in me has remained solid and I hold onto it for dear life. I really do not believe that someone who has drunk badly for 10 or more years or who drank to escape emotion as I did can end up doing moderation? I just don?t (please note that I am not saying anything about anyone else, just stating my opinion as it relates to me). If I accept why I drank (and assuming I am right in my underlying reason why I drank) then why would I try a taste of that again as I know where it took me. When I think of moderation I think of that Audrey Kishline woman.. the head of that moderation management group? and what moderation led her to ? it would lead me to the same delusion, I know. I?m still young at abstinence. 3 years is nothing, but its all I?ve got. I?ll feel ok when I?ve done about 20 years, I reckon. (says she hopefully)
I think that I got to a rock solid realisation that I was killing myself and that underneath it, actually I did not want to die, even though I was deeply unhappy. And even this far along on my road, there are still times when things are tough. I?ve had some huge issues to deal with this year, to be frank, but what good would drink do in my situation. Absolutely nothing. A drink or a slip or a relapse or whatever it gets called is simply not an option because it represents a path to my self destruction?. a path that I have decided to alter. Another thing which has altered is my chasing the action. I no longer swoop into rescue mode when friends are in strife.. I no longer try to spend time fixing other peoples problems at the expense of my own. I DO help and I DO listen and I DO act for my friends, but not at my OWN expense? there is a difference. Its like I am seeking the peace now ? not the action.
So what do I do now that I?m sober. Well I continue the work on myself. My diet has remained good. My exercise has become a way of life. Meditation is also part of life. People tell me how good I look now that I?m fit, but I?m more interested in how I?m feeling and that is my focus. The nature of my friendships has altered. I cannot be bothered with meaninglessness anymore (harsh but its where I am). If I know you, I want to know what you feel and who you are and I want you to know the same about me. I?m not interested in superficiality or pretence or the false and fragile laughter of the alcoholic buzz. Actually reading that last little bit I sound pretty intense, which I guess I am. Well, that?s me. Sure there are lingering things that will continue to be issues in my life, but they no longer consume me and I have the skills and strategies to deal with them as they arise. I used to drink to avoid emotion, but that is no longer the case. I can survive emotion and living emotions and dealing with them has made me a better person and I?d like to say perhaps, made me easier to live with. I am not someone who has given this up to a higher power because actually it?s me that has done this, not some abstract power. I take responsibility for getting me into that hole I was in 3 years ago and I?m the one who has climbed out. I don?t think a website can get you sober, or a pill. I don?t think prayer can do it either. I?m not saying that these things don?t have a place for some people, and I?m not saying that finding people on this site who were trying to get sober and sharing information with them didn?t help me cos it did. But it was more than that - much much more.. I can no longer blame anyone other than myself if I drink. I cannot blame God.. or some pill or some website ? I cant even blame an ?issue?. It does not matter how much I learn about brain function or personality typing and believe me, I researched that no end, it?s my actions that matter. If I drink I can only blame me. Similarly, if I?m unhappy then that is something I need to work on. It?s all up to me. This is my way.
I did a fair bit of research before I started to go sober and most of it suggested that the first three years were the tough ones. I?d agree with that. Sure, getting on top of being able to stay sober has its highlights, but I think the research I read about was talking more about the underlying issues. There have been times of delusion when I thought that now I was sober I could change everything in my life (in a running away fashion ? and much like I used to run to the bottle), but that may not necessarily be the right thing to do. I made a promise to myself at the beginning that I would not make any major decisions for 3 years. I?m glad I kept that promise to myself, because over time I have come to think differently about many things and it all seems to work out in the end. If I stand where I am in my own skin and face myself in all my ugliness, unhappiness, bitterness and despair ? that is where the change needs to occur. That is my truth. And in doing so I have found that I am actually not so ugly after all and I can and am increasingly finding peace.
I truly believe that everyone who comes to a site such as this, or the other sites that are out there knows in their heart what they need to do to fix things in their lives. For me I had to face some deep pain and tackle it long and hard. This is the hardest thing I?ve ever done in my life and the best. It?s not good enough to talk about this stuff, or to read about it.. I just had to do it properly ? and it takes sobriety, time and energy to do this stuff, but doing it has changed me.
No going back for me, no ways. I cannot find the words to describe how much better life is? (note, I?m not saying life is perfect just cos I?m sober, because it is NOT perfect at all) but I can deal with things now. You know, I look at old people and I wonder, was their life happy? If I don?t make my life happy then I can expect no one else to make me happy. My happiness cannot be reliant on someone else because I know I cannot be responsible for anyone else?s happiness. Sure we all have an impact on each other, but you know what I mean. I?d say this is growing up at last. If I spend my life wanting to be someone else, or wishing my life could be different then I?m in a dream. Far better to live MY life as ME and to be ok with it. I?m into DOING things now.. not thinking about them or sitting and wishing.
I had already decided to turn my life around when I found this site. I did not do RJ?s program, but my own. I have not read her book or become a paying member.. to me getting sober was an individual thing just about me.. and what I did was what I knew I should do, not what someone else did.. Similarly I did not do AA. This site may not be the best place for someone, just as AA is not for everyone. Before I started I researched quite a lot. All AA said was ?this is the only way? ? and not having read RJ?s book, I was not clear what was being proposed on this site, but I got the feeling that there was a pill being offered and there was a lot of hope of moderation here. This site was very young and to be frank, it was the people posting that made a difference to me and that was an opportunity which I took. When I started I wanted someone else to have the answer for me but I had to find it in myself. In the end most of my work has been inner work, and to do that I had to stay sober. At its heart, this is a lonely task.. no one can do it for me and I can do it for no one but myself. However, saying some honest things about how difficult that first bit was on this forum in this anonymous way did help me a lot and for that I was glad I posted here even though the offer of moderation on this board was so confronting for me, given how much I disagree with it for myself and for the vast majority who come a website seeking help for over drinking. However, no one could tell me what to do, just as I can tell no one but myself. I will never forget how hard that first bit of sobriety was and I will never forget some kind people (no longer on the forum) who helped me in the beginning. I used to spend time and energy trying to help people on this site to get sober.. as my way of paying it back, but now I just try to say it as it is for me. I can do no more.
Anyway my program to sobriety was
Cold turkey
Honesty
Organic diet
Meditation
Counselling
Inner work
Exercise (core strength, weights and cardio is important to me)
Determination
I did not do meds (I had spent enough years self medicating) I don?t do supplements
I have no need to run into the bottle anymore cos I?m ok. I am alive and happiness is mine to choose. My life is better this way, there is no doubt. Do I miss drinking? NO. I?m living in my own skin and life is much easier this way. I guess I am just continuing to walk away from the insanity that was my life 3 years ago.
About time too
ray:
?We are one another's angels? 
Your post is wonderful and I feel every word you wrote.
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