Be Careful What You Wish For...

[AAthlete]

I was just thinking back to when I was drinking and was remembering all the fantasies that I used to come up with in my mind to make me feel better. In large part, that is why I drank - to become the person that I couldn't be when sober. The illusion was that it WAS all in my mind. I honestly think there wasn't one part of my life that I was happy with - so my fantasy list was pretty all-encompassing:

I wish I had a better physique - of course that would require me stop drinking, exercise and eat healthy;

I wish I had somebody to love & desire me - that would require me to open up myself, be honest with them and myself, and show love back. I needed to learn how to be happy with me first;

I wish I could win the lottery - I certainly make decent money, but pissing it away on booze (and of course the food, snacks, etc. that go along with it) certainly made it seem like a lot less. If I won it, then money wouldn't be an issue;

I wish I was more popular - Alcoholism makes us retreat into ourselves and I lived in my little basement cave feeling sorry for myself. I think I expected people to just gravitate to me - instead of me having to seek them out. Women should love me just because I am me (yeah right)!

As you can see, the list could honestly be never-ending. My point is that I always assumed that if I had those things listed above that then I would be happy... Didn't turn out that way though.... It really did take a change in attitude to realize that happiness comes from within.

Now that I have been sober for awhile, a lot of those things on my list have come true (to varying degrees). You know what, I don't have this deep sense of satisfaction from any of them. They do all work together and help me realize what is achievable, and help to remind me that I need to be careful what I wish for....

Take care.

[on my way]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Wow, that sure strikes a chord here. Time and time again I have said; if I had this or if I could do that, I'd be so happy. The bottom line is happiness can only come from within.
The love and respect of your family and friends helps too. That does not happen when you’re a drunk.

I know I can not truly be happy when I am a miserable drunk. The only reason I drink is to cover up the things I hate and am too lazy to assert the effort to change. Change comes gradually and is well worth the effort and the wait.

God bless you all, nat

[A Work in Progress]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

There's a relatively new area of research in psychology, called Positive Psychology. Scientists are getting really interested in the idea of what makes people happy (as opposed to the usual work in the area what makes people unhappy, and what makes them function poorly, etc.).

There are a lot of preliminary findings, and a few good books out in the popular press about this.

One finding that I think is particularly important is that happiness and well-being come from setting and achieving meaningful goals. In other words, if we have "low self esteem," we can't fix that, and like ourselves better, just by telling ourselves or trying to convince ourselves (by way of internal arguments) that we really truly are good people. Our brains will produce happy feelings for us, when we know we have done something that is in accordance with our own values. So the sequence is:

• know what is really important to you (your values);
• set meaningful goals consistent with your values;take frequent small steps in the direction of accomplishing your goals.

Then, you will feel good about yourself, and your life.

wip

[retteacher]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Athlete:

I can only be grateful, happy, & have a sense of satisfaction if I reflect (meditate?) & allow myself to feel those feelings. When I'm sober for any amount of time, I take it for granted & stop feeling grateful for my sobriety. Mindfulness of all that I have is necessary for my deeper mental, emotional, & spiritual health. I love your threads. Thank you so much, Mary

[periwinkle]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

I wish I could drink like a normal person... Oh yea, I'm not a normal person!

I mean that in a kinda' funny way on one hand, but kinda' struggling with it the past couple days on the other hand.

So where do I go with that one?

[A Work in Progress]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Peri... maybe, go back to your values. What do you value, most of all in your life? What is truly important to you? Where does drinking alcohol "like a normal person" fit in with those values? If it is high on your list of values, and consistent with your other values, then pursue it, unless and until you are convinced it cannot be done... right?

wip

[AAthlete]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Peri, that is the great wish of everybody who has a drinking problem - the ability to control and enjoy our drinking. For me anyway, I had to come to an understanding that goal was out of reach. Never mind that I proved it to myself over and over again by attempting to control it (and even if I did I certainly wasn't enjoying it). I had to understand, in my head, that I cannot drink normally like other people...

[periwinkle]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

WIP and Athlete,
You both honed in on the first part of that. I will take a serious look at that. More in a moment.

For me, when I wrote it though, and the follow up, the part that I was focusing on was the second part. The part that I'm not a normal person.

No, my goal when I set out on this path was that I would moderate. I don't even know what day AF today is. I really don't keep track. If I want to know I have to count it out. I know that I am nearing the end of my 30 day AF commitment. And that my goal was to try to moderate after that.

It just is feel less important to me now though. I feel really good physically and I feel healthier than I have in years. I sometimes don't care if I go on to try moderating or not. I just in the past couple days have something going on in my head though that I am somehow different. that I am not a normal person. I can't seem to shake it. I'm even different than everyone on this board. It seems like if you asked anyone at this stage of the game how many days AF they could tell you in a heart beat. I would have to count it out. It really hasn't been that hard for me to not drink.

Back to your replies and the first part of what I wrote. "I wish I could drink like a normal person". Well I don't know what to say about that right now. I suppose if I could I wouldn't be here right now learning all this wonderful stuff about myself.

[AAthlete]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Peri, I don't think you're that different from everybody else - and the fact that it was so easy for you to stop just means that you need to be even more on guard. Yes, I am 'not normal' when it comes to drinking. But that is a personal decision that we all need to make (and live with).

I honestly couldn't tell you how many days I have been sober, either - and once I got started it got easier fairly quickly. But my alcoholism wants me to be complacent - it wants me to question whether I can drink normally because then I might actually try it again just to see.

[periwinkle]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Thanks Athlete, I will keep the complacency in mind.

[periwinkle]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

A Work in Progress;465620 wrote: If it is high on your list of values, and consistent with your other values, then pursue it, unless and until you are convinced it cannot be done... right?

WIP I've reread this a number of times. I'm not getting your meaning here. Can you please elaborate? I have read something nasty into it and I don't think you mean to be nasty.

[A Work in Progress]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

periwinkle;465707 wrote: WIP I've reread this a number of times. I'm not getting your meaning here. Can you please elaborate? I have read something nasty into it and I don't think you mean to be nasty.

Something nasty??? I'm sorry, I can't imagine what! But I'm glad to re-phrase!

Here's how I see it, as I set out in an earlier post in this thread. The way we get to be happy is by behaving in a manner that is consistent with our values. Such as taking care of our family, being healthy, engaging in spiritual practice, pursuing the life of the mind, being physically strong, helping others... those are possible "values." Everyone has their own mix of which values are important to him or her.

Sometimes our behavior is inconsistent with our values, and when that is true, we are generally unhappy with ourselves. That often (but not always) happens with alcohol abuse. For people with serious alcohol abuse, if they are parents, and they attach a strong value to good parenting, alcohol abuse probably conflicts with that value.

On the other hand, consuming alcohol is, for some, a value also. One way that might happen is would a person feels she cannot enjoy conversations with friends (and friendship is high on the list of values) without drinking. OR, a person might feel that being in control of herself is a strong value, something important to her... so, admitting an inability to control her drinking would be painful, at least in the short term, until she came to terms with the fact that all of us have areas in which we do not necessarily function in a perfect way. For some of us, alcohol consumption just doesn't work well, for physiological reasons. Once we accept that, we feel much better, and no longer suffer from the "inadequacy" or feeling of being "not normal."

Sometimes, two important values conflict; in that case, one feels discomfort until one resolves the conflict, and moves on. I thought you were saying that "drinking like a normal person" was a valued goal for you. Something you really want. I was asking: where does that fit, in your life, with your other values? Is there a conflict there, or not? If there is a conflict, how will you resolve that conflict?

Does this help?

wip

[periwinkle]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

I guess I thought you were saying, well then get out there and try to drink like a normal person until you fall back on your ass. Then you'll see that it didn't work and you'll be back.

[A Work in Progress]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Oh, no, no, not like that at ALL! I was thinking that you, like so many here, are in the midst of figuring out, for yourselves, whether or not you CAN "drink like a normal person"! And nothing but our own experience can answer that question...

The part that I was adding is this: I am suggesting that ALL of us might want to keep in mind the question of whether (or not) our own behavior is consistent with our values. If we DO consider consuming alcohol (or trying to be in control of our alcohol consumption) something that is important... or valuable... in our lives, then we should pursue it until it becomes clear TO US that the goal cannot be achieved OR that the behavior is interfering with achieving OTHER valued goals... Just a way to help structure our decision-making.

The people here who seem to be "successful modders" would, from what I can see, be people who have answered that question in a way that fits all of their important values. They can drink, and their drinking does not interfere with achieving other important goals. I, for one, cannot do that. My drinking SEVERELY conflicted with MANY of my own values.

wip

[Stari]

Be Careful What You Wish For...

If only this, then that... Hoo boy, I'm pretty sure we can ALL relate here. And yeah. An aweful lot of those wishful thinkings CAN be answered by being abstinant. Funny how some things on our wish lists just fall into place by NOT drinking. Like having the respect of family and friends... A decent job... Clarity in day to day goings on. Amazing really. Other things we have to learn or relearn. Like how to cope when we don't like something... Be a grown up... Move forward to living in today, leaving our sordid pasts behind.

I'm newly back visiting these forums, which are as AWESOME as I remember them. Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and your honesty. Alcoholism isn't pretty. And uhmmm... NORMAL drinking? What the hell is THAT??? Let's face it. We're NOT "normal"... Never have been... Never will be. THANK GAWD! "Normal" is so over rated anyway... I'd rather think that we, as alcoholics, are over achievers... Not many "normal" people can say THAT now can they?

Almost 2 yrs sober here. So grateful.. Oh so grateful! Never stop trying... NEVER