No one could have made me believe one year ago that I would be posting this in the ?long term abstainers? forum, yet that is what I was wishing and hoping for with every fiber of my being. I wanted to be free of alcohol forever, like Brigit, Neil, Mike and so many others I cannot recall. I wanted to start my life over again.
Well here I am after 365 days of sobriety. It is a glorious day for me and yet so ordinary for many who don?t know the misery and shame of addiction. Oh how I still cringe at my daughters questions of how much I have had to drink that day.
For our newbie?s benefit who don?t know me: I have been coming to this forum since March of 06 and initially managed 3 consecutive months AF and of course, true to my nature, I got cocky as hell and fell of the wagon with a flourish. This went on and on with me stringing together some AF days only to fall back into a drunken stupor, blackouts and endless self-loathing and desperately trying to hang on to my job and my public persona.
Even with some AF days I knew that I was on a greased slope to hell as my consumption increased after every stint of abstinence. By that point I suffered from constant pain in the general area of my liver and also experienced acute peripheral neuropathy which was like being eaten alive by a million ants. The sensation was constant and excruciating, day in and day out and yet every afternoon I poured myself another 6 oz. of Scotch to start with, because I ?deserved to relax?. What insanity! Intellectually I knew that I would die in the not too distant future, but I was holding on to the sick fantasy of my being able to moderate like normal people. My heart aches for all the people who are still trapped in the moderation merry-go-round. For the majority of abusers moderation is an unrealistic goal, merely wishful thinking.
I love good food and the appropriate wine etc. and could not imagine how I would function in our society without it. What would I say to my friends? Would they suspect that I am a recovering alcoholic if I stuck to water? In hindsight, they already knew that there was a problem. I may not have slurred my speech as far as I know, but if I reek of booze at 3 in the afternoon any given day, that might be a hint.
Friends, please indulge me for this is going to be long, but I want you all to understand that I was not just drinking, no, I was a hard core alcoholic and I am recovering now. Recovery is possible for you too.
In spring of 06 a number of members here decided that they were going to give Rhonda Lenair a try and some of them came back and were doing miraculously well. They graciously took me under their wings and encouraged me to give this route a try. I owe them all a debt of gratitude. I went to Vermont on June 7 of last year mentally kicking and screaming. I incited every logical reason why this would never work and especially for me. I must have arrived at the Lenair Centre surrounded by an aura of doubt, mistrust and hostility that would have sent any sensitive soul running. My first session was spiritually tumultuous. My first 15 minutes felt like I was living through an internal lightning storm and then slowly, almost imperceptibly, calm settled over me and I went with the flow and started to hear and absorb what was said to me. At night, safely in my bed, again I started to question and analyze the day?s events and worked myself into a full blown anxiety attack, I?m only guessing because I never had one before. I brought this up in my next session and we discussed it and it never happened again. I had to let go and once I did, it all was well.
I left Vermont with hope, enormous respect for events that cannot be quantified and a pervasive feeling of peace. Since that second session with Rhonda I have never had a moment of craving ? ever! I am so blessed.
How does it feel to be sober? Exhilarating, exciting, peaceful, un-pressured, oh, let me count the ways, yet it never feels ordinary, because it was too great a gift bestowed on me to ever become just plain normal. My gratitude is boundless. I never even think about alcohol anymore and it is still all around me. Not once have I opened my eyes in the morning and thought:
?Oh, God, another day?. It?s more like: ?So, what will I do today with all this clarity of mind??
Do not believe for a moment that all my former problems disappeared overnight. I still want to throttle my mate when he pushes all my buttons and makes me madder than hell, but I don?t internalize it anymore, I can let it go. It?s not my fault that you had a bad day. I am not a doormat, I am worthwhile, I am deserving, I am ok just the way I am. I have a right to be here; what I say has importance and I want my contributions duly recognized. I have talents and flaws, idiosyncrasies and annoying little habits and I can recognize both and deal with them unencumbered.
One of the most surprising revelations to me was to find out how very competitive and success driven I used to be and how much I associated my ?self? (as in I) with my career success. I equaled my monetary contribution with what I was worth as a human being. What BS! I have experienced a huge shift in paradigm that I have not actively forced. It just sort of happened. It?s rather scary to come to terms with, because today I really don?t give a hoot if I get to close another deal. I am just happy to get by and I seem to have hugely more important things to do and think about than chase what we erroneously label success. Gee, I said that?
The old Lori would have suffered cardiac arrest when the stock market tanked and parked our retirement savings in the cellar. After the initial shock I just took it all in stride and told myself that it will be fine. I can make due somehow. My range is only working on 2 burners but we still eat delicious meals; the slider is in need of repair but it keeps out the rain, etc., etc.; yet 12 months ago I would have worried myself into knots inventing another excuse to drink.
At first the changes seem imperceptible and at times I asked myself: ?I am sober, now what?? It?s like riding a tsunami wave in the middle of the ocean; if you have no points of reference you might not be moving at all. Only when you spot land you realize that you are going places in a hurry. Recovery is a lifelong journey and once the alcohol is truly left behind it becomes a journey of discovery. So much of us was hidden behind an impenetrable fog of intoxication. Some days I look in the mirror and think what the French would say: ?Lori, je suis ravie de faire votre connaissance?, ?I am delighted to have made your acquaintance Lori?. I know I?m an incorrigible nut case ?lol.
I cannot retrieve the time I have lost, but hell; I can make the best of the time that I have left. Maybe my remaining years will be the best life I can possibly live or it will be merely mediocre; perhaps I had to go through this unspeakable misery to arrive at this point of boundless gratitude. However it will turn out I will walk into my future living one day at a time, pleasant or wroth with challenges. I will be entirely present in the ?now?. To live is to be fully awake so you can feel all there is to feel, love all that can be loved, first and foremost yourself and be passionate about what truly excites you at your core.
If you are still reading you are entitled to beat me with a corn broom - gently.
I have a problem with brevity, but after all I had to cover a lot of years.
Love to all of you, thanks to all of you and Godspeed on your journey.
Lori
Well here I am after 365 days of sobriety. It is a glorious day for me and yet so ordinary for many who don?t know the misery and shame of addiction. Oh how I still cringe at my daughters questions of how much I have had to drink that day.
For our newbie?s benefit who don?t know me: I have been coming to this forum since March of 06 and initially managed 3 consecutive months AF and of course, true to my nature, I got cocky as hell and fell of the wagon with a flourish. This went on and on with me stringing together some AF days only to fall back into a drunken stupor, blackouts and endless self-loathing and desperately trying to hang on to my job and my public persona.
Even with some AF days I knew that I was on a greased slope to hell as my consumption increased after every stint of abstinence. By that point I suffered from constant pain in the general area of my liver and also experienced acute peripheral neuropathy which was like being eaten alive by a million ants. The sensation was constant and excruciating, day in and day out and yet every afternoon I poured myself another 6 oz. of Scotch to start with, because I ?deserved to relax?. What insanity! Intellectually I knew that I would die in the not too distant future, but I was holding on to the sick fantasy of my being able to moderate like normal people. My heart aches for all the people who are still trapped in the moderation merry-go-round. For the majority of abusers moderation is an unrealistic goal, merely wishful thinking.
I love good food and the appropriate wine etc. and could not imagine how I would function in our society without it. What would I say to my friends? Would they suspect that I am a recovering alcoholic if I stuck to water? In hindsight, they already knew that there was a problem. I may not have slurred my speech as far as I know, but if I reek of booze at 3 in the afternoon any given day, that might be a hint.
Friends, please indulge me for this is going to be long, but I want you all to understand that I was not just drinking, no, I was a hard core alcoholic and I am recovering now. Recovery is possible for you too.
In spring of 06 a number of members here decided that they were going to give Rhonda Lenair a try and some of them came back and were doing miraculously well. They graciously took me under their wings and encouraged me to give this route a try. I owe them all a debt of gratitude. I went to Vermont on June 7 of last year mentally kicking and screaming. I incited every logical reason why this would never work and especially for me. I must have arrived at the Lenair Centre surrounded by an aura of doubt, mistrust and hostility that would have sent any sensitive soul running. My first session was spiritually tumultuous. My first 15 minutes felt like I was living through an internal lightning storm and then slowly, almost imperceptibly, calm settled over me and I went with the flow and started to hear and absorb what was said to me. At night, safely in my bed, again I started to question and analyze the day?s events and worked myself into a full blown anxiety attack, I?m only guessing because I never had one before. I brought this up in my next session and we discussed it and it never happened again. I had to let go and once I did, it all was well.
I left Vermont with hope, enormous respect for events that cannot be quantified and a pervasive feeling of peace. Since that second session with Rhonda I have never had a moment of craving ? ever! I am so blessed.
How does it feel to be sober? Exhilarating, exciting, peaceful, un-pressured, oh, let me count the ways, yet it never feels ordinary, because it was too great a gift bestowed on me to ever become just plain normal. My gratitude is boundless. I never even think about alcohol anymore and it is still all around me. Not once have I opened my eyes in the morning and thought:
?Oh, God, another day?. It?s more like: ?So, what will I do today with all this clarity of mind??
Do not believe for a moment that all my former problems disappeared overnight. I still want to throttle my mate when he pushes all my buttons and makes me madder than hell, but I don?t internalize it anymore, I can let it go. It?s not my fault that you had a bad day. I am not a doormat, I am worthwhile, I am deserving, I am ok just the way I am. I have a right to be here; what I say has importance and I want my contributions duly recognized. I have talents and flaws, idiosyncrasies and annoying little habits and I can recognize both and deal with them unencumbered.
One of the most surprising revelations to me was to find out how very competitive and success driven I used to be and how much I associated my ?self? (as in I) with my career success. I equaled my monetary contribution with what I was worth as a human being. What BS! I have experienced a huge shift in paradigm that I have not actively forced. It just sort of happened. It?s rather scary to come to terms with, because today I really don?t give a hoot if I get to close another deal. I am just happy to get by and I seem to have hugely more important things to do and think about than chase what we erroneously label success. Gee, I said that?
The old Lori would have suffered cardiac arrest when the stock market tanked and parked our retirement savings in the cellar. After the initial shock I just took it all in stride and told myself that it will be fine. I can make due somehow. My range is only working on 2 burners but we still eat delicious meals; the slider is in need of repair but it keeps out the rain, etc., etc.; yet 12 months ago I would have worried myself into knots inventing another excuse to drink.
At first the changes seem imperceptible and at times I asked myself: ?I am sober, now what?? It?s like riding a tsunami wave in the middle of the ocean; if you have no points of reference you might not be moving at all. Only when you spot land you realize that you are going places in a hurry. Recovery is a lifelong journey and once the alcohol is truly left behind it becomes a journey of discovery. So much of us was hidden behind an impenetrable fog of intoxication. Some days I look in the mirror and think what the French would say: ?Lori, je suis ravie de faire votre connaissance?, ?I am delighted to have made your acquaintance Lori?. I know I?m an incorrigible nut case ?lol.
I cannot retrieve the time I have lost, but hell; I can make the best of the time that I have left. Maybe my remaining years will be the best life I can possibly live or it will be merely mediocre; perhaps I had to go through this unspeakable misery to arrive at this point of boundless gratitude. However it will turn out I will walk into my future living one day at a time, pleasant or wroth with challenges. I will be entirely present in the ?now?. To live is to be fully awake so you can feel all there is to feel, love all that can be loved, first and foremost yourself and be passionate about what truly excites you at your core.
If you are still reading you are entitled to beat me with a corn broom - gently.
I have a problem with brevity, but after all I had to cover a lot of years.
Love to all of you, thanks to all of you and Godspeed on your journey.
Lori
Thanks so much for sharing your amazing success story!:goodjob:
ray:
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