There's been a little talk on the AF daily thread about fleeting thoughts of wanting to try to drink moderately. It got me thinking.
I am feeling quite good today, on day 18. I feel as though something has clicked, and I am beginning to really feel that I want alcohol out of my life for good. I do still have those fleeting thoughts of wanting to try to drink moderately again. But I have been dismissing them, by thinking rational thoughts, like:
I've tried to moderate for years, and although sometimes I can do it successfully, it is a struggle. Life is easier without that struggle. I don't want the question of "when can I drink again?" to take up mental and emotional space in my life.
Even when I've "succeeded" at drinking in moderation for relatively long stretches of time, I have inevitably had slips. Those slips have led to 1. falling down drunk in front of my child 2. picking fights with my husband 3. calling people and forgetting the next day what I said on the phone. 4.Waking up anxious and scared, and wondering how bad I was the night before.
Even when I drink moderately, alcohol effects my moods, my sleep, my energy level, my outlook and my self-esteem in negative ways. I am prone to depression and anxiety. We all know that alcohol makes those things worse.
I am a mother. Childhood is short. I don't want to miss anything.
I've been lucky that my drinking has never led to anyone being physically hurt. It could. If I never drink again, I will never have to live with the horror of that.
Even though I am not certain that my drinking problem would inevitably progress (because over the last 20 years it has ebbed and flowed, risen and fallen so many times, without getting "progressively worse") I am not willing to take the chance that it could get significantly worse, and that then I might do real damage to myself or someone else.
I love my kids more than I love getting buzzed. I'm a better mother when I don't drink. Sometimes I've thought that I was more patient or more fun with my children when I'd had a couple of glasses of wine. I don't believe that anymore. I may have felt better. But I was a little too silly, a little disinhibited. And sometimes I'd snap. I'd snap with irritation, and then wonder if it was because of the alcohol, and feel guilty. Now, sober, if I snap, I can figure out whether or not to feel guilty on the basis of what's happened, and not automatically feel guilty, seeing myself as a drunk.
Sometimes I want to drink to better tolerate the things that annoy me about my husband. I've decided I want to learn other ways to handle that...To talk to him, or take a break from him, or talk to a friend, or come here...Not to blunt and blur my feelings with two or three glasses of wine.
Some people seem to drink in a way that's "normal" and not unhealthy. They drink to enhance a meal or a moment, and not to run away from reality. I'm not one of those people. I have always been someone who drank away tension, anxiety or sadness. I have come to believe that someone like me, who has used alcohol that way for so many years, just isn't a good candidate for moderate, or "social" drinking.
I never want to go through the first week of sobriety again. I hated the moodiness, the cravings, the feeling of being at a loss. It went away, and I don't want it back.
I am happier now than I remember being for a long, long time. And it's only been 18 days alcohol free! I'm ready to break the cycle, of trying moderation again, over-doing it just enough to get depressed and anxious, and then drinking more to try and escape those feelings.
I think I'm done.
I am feeling quite good today, on day 18. I feel as though something has clicked, and I am beginning to really feel that I want alcohol out of my life for good. I do still have those fleeting thoughts of wanting to try to drink moderately again. But I have been dismissing them, by thinking rational thoughts, like:
I've tried to moderate for years, and although sometimes I can do it successfully, it is a struggle. Life is easier without that struggle. I don't want the question of "when can I drink again?" to take up mental and emotional space in my life.
Even when I've "succeeded" at drinking in moderation for relatively long stretches of time, I have inevitably had slips. Those slips have led to 1. falling down drunk in front of my child 2. picking fights with my husband 3. calling people and forgetting the next day what I said on the phone. 4.Waking up anxious and scared, and wondering how bad I was the night before.
Even when I drink moderately, alcohol effects my moods, my sleep, my energy level, my outlook and my self-esteem in negative ways. I am prone to depression and anxiety. We all know that alcohol makes those things worse.
I am a mother. Childhood is short. I don't want to miss anything.
I've been lucky that my drinking has never led to anyone being physically hurt. It could. If I never drink again, I will never have to live with the horror of that.
Even though I am not certain that my drinking problem would inevitably progress (because over the last 20 years it has ebbed and flowed, risen and fallen so many times, without getting "progressively worse") I am not willing to take the chance that it could get significantly worse, and that then I might do real damage to myself or someone else.
I love my kids more than I love getting buzzed. I'm a better mother when I don't drink. Sometimes I've thought that I was more patient or more fun with my children when I'd had a couple of glasses of wine. I don't believe that anymore. I may have felt better. But I was a little too silly, a little disinhibited. And sometimes I'd snap. I'd snap with irritation, and then wonder if it was because of the alcohol, and feel guilty. Now, sober, if I snap, I can figure out whether or not to feel guilty on the basis of what's happened, and not automatically feel guilty, seeing myself as a drunk.
Sometimes I want to drink to better tolerate the things that annoy me about my husband. I've decided I want to learn other ways to handle that...To talk to him, or take a break from him, or talk to a friend, or come here...Not to blunt and blur my feelings with two or three glasses of wine.
Some people seem to drink in a way that's "normal" and not unhealthy. They drink to enhance a meal or a moment, and not to run away from reality. I'm not one of those people. I have always been someone who drank away tension, anxiety or sadness. I have come to believe that someone like me, who has used alcohol that way for so many years, just isn't a good candidate for moderate, or "social" drinking.
I never want to go through the first week of sobriety again. I hated the moodiness, the cravings, the feeling of being at a loss. It went away, and I don't want it back.
I am happier now than I remember being for a long, long time. And it's only been 18 days alcohol free! I'm ready to break the cycle, of trying moderation again, over-doing it just enough to get depressed and anxious, and then drinking more to try and escape those feelings.
I think I'm done.
?We are one another's angels? 
Comment