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Why I want to let go of moderation

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    #61
    Why I want to let go of moderation

    Hi DG,
    I definitely want to go into those situations at some stage and be AF. I understand your sentiment re why put oneself in that situation knowing the dangers. In Ireland and amongst my circle of friends weekend socialising will involve going to bars. While this is not the only way I socialise with my friends it is a strong aspect of it. I don't want to miss out on this aspect. However while I do recognise that under no circumstances can I drink I still want to participate in other ways. I'm not suggesting I will do this today or tomorrow but its definitely a medium to long term goal.

    Thanks
    DS

    Comment

      #62
      Why I want to let go of moderation

      Hi Everyone,
      I think it's time for an update.

      I started this thread back on 9/24/09. As I read over it now, I see that although I "let go of moderation" for a little while, I went back to trying it again. It has worked for a few months, I guess. With a lot of support from this board, and a lot of effort, I have had more AF days than not, and I went quite a while without any bad episodes. But last week I had a bad one. It has shaken me and scared me and made me once again think that I can't trust myself. I don't ever want to get drunk again. But I'll bet I've said that 60 times over the last 20 years.

      On average, I'd guess I've been truly drunk two to three times a year for the last 20 years. Not so bad, compared to a lot of people, I guess. Lots of so called "normal drinkers" do that, right? So part of me thinks it's rational to assume I can go on like this. I no longer believe that I can drink and "never get drunk again". But I suppose I might succeed at keeping it to once or twice a year.

      Nevertheless. These are my two worst fears:

      That the next time, I'll fall down the stairs and hit my head and die.

      That the next time, my kids will see me, and never feel truly safe with me again.


      So I feel like a hypocrit and a fool, but today, I am wondering once again if I can let go of moderation. It scares me to put this out there, because I know I haven't commited to it, and I might find a way to change my mind. But I'm putting it out there anyway. In the name of honesty, and because I feel safe here.
      "When she enjoyed her drinking she couldn't control it, and when she controlled it, she couldn't enjoy it." (from The Big Book)

      Comment

        #63
        Why I want to let go of moderation

        actually sarahsmiles i was just thinking of you today,


        :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

        Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
        I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

        This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

        Comment

          #64
          Why I want to let go of moderation

          And what were you thinking, Mario?
          "When she enjoyed her drinking she couldn't control it, and when she controlled it, she couldn't enjoy it." (from The Big Book)

          Comment

            #65
            Why I want to let go of moderation

            Just wondering how you were havent seen you around in a while & hoping you were good :-)


            :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

            Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
            I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

            This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

            Comment

              #66
              Why I want to let go of moderation

              Thanks!
              "When she enjoyed her drinking she couldn't control it, and when she controlled it, she couldn't enjoy it." (from The Big Book)

              Comment

                #67
                Why I want to let go of moderation

                Excellent post Sarasmiles!

                Your decision to abandon attempting to moderate is a sound one, in my opinion.

                Two things to consider. Firstly, should real moderation be a struggle? There are other things in life I have no trouble moderating, yet the process is effortless. There isn't a constant struggle. Not so with alcohol. In the few times I've successfully moderated, my thoughts were entirely obsessed with the next time I would be permitted to have my few drinks. Like you, I just found it easier to quit altogether. Far less complicated.

                The second point I wanted to raise is something that is often missed by problem drinkers attempting to moderate, namely, the phenomenon of alcohol tolerance. It is fair to say that even moderate drinkers enjoy a pleasant buzz from alcohol. They don't get intoxicated, but they enjoy the pleasurable effects of 1 or 2 drinks. Many of us, however, have consumed such enormous quantities of alcohol that this simply won't work. Where I live, the medical definition of moderate drinking for men my age is no more than 2 drinks per day. If I were to consume 2 drinks, I would not have any pleasurable buzz. Given my alcohol tolerance, it would take about 6 standard drinks to give me a mild feeling of pleasure and euphoria. So while this might be a moderate amount for me, 6 drinks is not only enough to cause damage to my body, but it's also enough to set the drinking train in motion. In attempts to cut back on my drinking, I have often told myself, "I'll stop at 6 drinks". Yeah right! This has never happened. By this point, I might not be drunk, but I am passed the point of no return.

                So from a purely practical standpoint, our alcohol tolerance is another hindrance that can prevent many of us from moderating.

                Comment

                  #68
                  Why I want to let go of moderation

                  Hi Sarah,
                  Great post, and nice to see you.
                  You've outlined 2 very good reason's for not drinking.
                  Sounds to me like you think you can still control your drinking. Can you? For me, once the evidence that i couldn't moderate was staring me in the face, irrefutable, and duh! so obvious that i couldn't even debate the issue with my alkie mind, well, the battle in my head was over, i stopped, stay stopped, and on with living my life with great pride, dignity, good health, self respect back, and lot's more.
                  I used to drink about 4 litres of wine a day, morning to night. I was way over the limit, but only really felt drunk a few times a year, such was my tolerance. Lucky i'm still around, as problem drinking is a progressive thing, and as we go on, we can likely hit the booze harder and harder.

                  Be careful, and best wishes on your journey. I won't wish you luck, because we make a choice. We, us, you.

                  'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                  Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

                  Comment

                    #69
                    Why I want to let go of moderation

                    Hi Sara. I have so much respect for the honesty you always display here. I like what JB and Guitarista posted - all good points for consideration IMO. A couple more I will add just as food for thought...

                    * I gave up trying to compare my drinking to other people's drinking as any sort of criteria to determine the severity of my problem. I can ALWAYS find some way to classify drinkers so that there are classes in my own mind that are "worse than me." If drinking is causing negative consequences for me, and me alone, then drinking is a problem for me. I HAD to start looking at it that way. For me it's about my consequences - not somebody elses.

                    * Along the lines of the previous point, only YOU can decide how many drunken episodes that you feel awful about are acceptable to you as consequences. Are there any other risks involved besides embarrassment in front of family and possible injury to yourself? DUI's? (not sure what other risks might be present)

                    * From my observation, it seems quite rare for problem drinking to, over time, become less of a problem. It is extremely common it seems, for drinking to become MORE of a problem over time. So if the number of times drinking is a real problem this year is 3, chances are probably high that the number of problem episodes is going to go up and not down over time.

                    What are the reasons again that you really want to keep drinking, considering the risks???

                    I know you will find your way, whichever way that is.

                    DG
                    Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                    Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                    One day at a time.

                    Comment

                      #70
                      Why I want to let go of moderation

                      Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses! It helps so, so much to be encouraged in this direction. I need that. There is only one person in my life outside of MWO who encourages me to abstain altogether. That person is a friend who has a similar drinking problem but has given it up and been AF for 8 months. My husband tells me "you're fine...just be a little more careful", and friends have said, "you don't drink more than anyone else...you just worry about it more". It makes me feel as though those people don't know me. Or understand what I experience. They don't really know that on days when I don't drink, I'm thinking about drinking and fighting the urge. They don't know that when I give in to drinking I feel a compulsion to drink, not just a desire like "gee, I'd like some icecream". And sometimes, of course, they don't know how much I drink, because I hide it. It's easy to be honest here, where I never feel judged and virtually everyone has gone through the same thing.

                      You are right, Doggygirl, I need to stop comparing my drinking to other people's drinking! I am so glad you said that! I know the truth. I know it's a problem for me, with consequences for me and my family. I've always told myself I would never get a DUI, because even when I've been drunk I've known on some level not to drive. But I don't even remember most of what I did or said for the better part of an hour last week. How on earth can I be sure that if that happened again, I wouldn't get behind the wheel? The thought makes me sick with terror. And that's good!

                      You asked, Doggygirl, what are the reasons I want to keep drinking. You probably meant it as a hypothetical question, but I'm going to answer it, since I'm prone to verbosity in my posts! The first reason that comes to mind is: It makes me feel "normal" somehow. I have this twisted notion that it's "normal" to have a drink with my husband, or with friends at dinner. It makes me relax, socially, yes, but really that's not a huge problem for me, with people I like. (And who cares, with people I don't? :H) It's more that it seems normal. My thought is, "how would I say no?" and "would our friends or my husband feel like I was less fun to be with? Would I seem prudish and boring?" I know this probably seems silly to experienced abbers, but that's what's in my head.

                      Also, I romanticize drinking....the glass of wine by the fire or on the porch on a summer night.

                      But I know in my heart there's nothing "normal" or "romantic" about the way I drink.

                      So thank you all for asking good questions, making me think, and not ridiculing me for continuing to struggle with this for so long!!!!
                      "When she enjoyed her drinking she couldn't control it, and when she controlled it, she couldn't enjoy it." (from The Big Book)

                      Comment

                        #71
                        Why I want to let go of moderation

                        Sarasmiles -

                        I know exactly what you mean about the notion of drinking as 'normal' or 'romantic'. I always think that - I guess I've seen Casablanca too many times. In the end though, all I ended up with was a real guy who dumped me at the airport and a habit or two I couldn't shake . . . .So much for the movie!

                        Comment

                          #72
                          Why I want to let go of moderation

                          Doggygirl;812888 wrote:
                          * I gave up trying to compare my drinking to other people's drinking as any sort of criteria to determine the severity of my problem. I can ALWAYS find some way to classify drinkers so that there are classes in my own mind that are "worse than me." If drinking is causing negative consequences for me, and me alone, then drinking is a problem for me. I HAD to start looking at it that way. For me it's about my consequences - not somebody elses.

                          * Along the lines of the previous point, only YOU can decide how many drunken episodes that you feel awful about are acceptable to you as consequences. Are there any other risks involved besides embarrassment in front of family and possible injury to yourself? DUI's? (not sure what other risks might be present)

                          DG
                          DG-This was an excellent post. Especially liked the comparison comments - so true...bottom line is what are our negative consequences regardless whether we drink less than others. Well said.

                          Funny Girl,
                          Like your Casablanca story! Good stories for Sara and all to hear.
                          :l
                          Eve11
                          "Control your destiny or somebody else will"

                          ~Jack Welsh~:h

                          God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author unknown, :thumbs:

                          Comment

                            #73
                            Why I want to let go of moderation

                            I have just returned to AF after 2 months of trying to mod.I'm scared BUT it is beginning to feel like a huge relief.

                            I think the thing is I like getting drunk and find it hard to stop once i start so sometimes yes i can moderate(1-2 glasses couple of times a week) BUT I always end up drunk at some point - this weekend two evenings in a row.

                            Yes I identify with the worry 'what will me friends/OH think - will I be dull, boring' (something I struggle with anyway) BUT when drinking I worry i was too drunk/did I upset anyone etc etc. I like the point of put me first and my health and don't worry about others.

                            I also haven't had really bad consequences - no drinking every day, all day,health damage,DUIs,bad accidents BUT it's possibly in the post and I have had BAD ENOUGH consequences - weight gain,smoking,drugs, wasted days, wasted money and energy,depression and anxiety worsening. That's bad enough surely?

                            I also really relate to the huge effort to moderate - I started off no drinking in the week at all - then within 2 months I have had 2-3 glasses of wine at least twice within that period.
                            Then at weekends really struggling not to get drunk and stick to 2-3 limit.Once I drink I ALWAYS want to get smashed and drink until 2-3am it's a battle not to. Interestingly when i see one of my good friends - we always drink WAY more than we plan to when we're together.

                            Anyway this is a huge inspiration and a post I will return to again and again - it's day 2 here, I've lost count of how many attempts.I want a better,healthier life and to be happier - alcohol hasn't helped me with achieving any of these things.
                            one day at a time

                            Comment

                              #74
                              Why I want to let go of moderation

                              Bear, only you can decide if your consequences have been "bad enough."

                              What you describe about not being sure what will happen once you START drinking - that would be very concerning to me. That's what my efforts at moderate drinking were all about. RISK. Once I started - who knew where the day/night would go?

                              If the current consequences are not bad enough, trust me. They WILL get worse if you are an addicted drinker like me.

                              Good to have you back with us Bear. Never give up.

                              DG
                              Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                              Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                              One day at a time.

                              Comment

                                #75
                                Why I want to let go of moderation

                                I can relate to not being able to moderate...Lord no's i tried every which way. With me it's starts out with a six pack and then im off to the race's and usually end up in a detox or the hospital, So I just can't touch alcohol! THIS IS A FACT why my mind tricks me into thinging i can is insanity good luck Bear and congrat's Dogggirl on your time.

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