We buried him yesterday.The county coroner had published the required notices for the next of kin and nobody claimed the body.it was just myself and his sponsor,no preacher even,the county doesent pay for those.not much of a sendoff,and not the one david had asked for,A cheap coffin, a backhoe dug a hole,and that was it--another old AA gone, He had been sober over 20 years and in AA over 30,a stern & rigid man who tried to soften his edges and never could. he was a loner,a fringe-er,an isolated man at the edge of life,s good things. he hung in there and in the end hung himself.I dont know why; i cant know. i know there had been a diagnosis of senial dementia,and i know the doctor had added cancer to the list. but i have seen many aa,s deal with such things before....i dont know why david decided he coundent. its not the first time i have seen this in AA. Ive known several people over the years who just up and walked out lifes door one day. Sober,but not happy.sober but not at peace,sober but they died of alcoholism.Our disease dosent need drink to kill us,I wish more folks new that,and appreciated it. Alcoholism is the only disease that is entirely capable of fighting back,of taking care of itself,and of emerging in new places and new forms when it isent properly treated .Thats because of the spiritual malady.Most people think that has to do with prayer or god.it doesent.It has to do with our :spirit: that force which animates,motivates and propels us.As an alcoholic,my spirit is ill,it is flawed.My character,or basic nature,doesn,t work right,At its root, it is a fundamental and irresolvable insecurity....a hole that cant ever be filled.
it is an istinct run rampent,a desperate need for acceptance and love that cannot be met.it hurts,it fills one with fear.The selfishness and selfcenteredness of the alcoholic lies here....we are totally preoccupied with what is going on with ourselfs on the inside.the slings and arrows of experience warped by this need drive us to the fringe,and the voices of the committee in our heads keep us there.we are obsessed with ourselfs,and from this condition of mind...the insanity of feelings gone haywire,we become self-medicators eventually.we discover alcohol or somethink else....and the stuff quiets the voices, provides the relief we,ve never been able to find in any other way.it isent any wonder we drink,or drug the way we do,but i dont think david ever understood his disease,i say that because i watched him struggle with those unresolved issues of his heart for years,his rigidity,coldness,aloofness,isolation and difficulty with other people were a reflection of the pain in his heart......of the disease of alcohol gone deep inside,and still active.Alcoholism dident need david to drink in order to continue trying to kill him,and in the end it succeeded,in the end instead of self abandoned..david abandoned hope...and discovered a bitter end.
Our recovery from alcoholism is done in steps,it is not one dimensional as they say in the AA they have a triangle....recovery,unity,service.You cannot hold back,you must not continue to suffer that shyness,aloneness that overwhelming self in my affairs.you must get involved in groups of people to practice these principals in your affairs,Only totall approach is healing,anything less is little more than driving my disease deep...and if i do that it will continue to eat away,trying to destroy me,it destroyed david,david cannot speak to his experince any longer,i am speaking in his memory,and i think that if david could talk to us today,he,s say understand your disease thoroughly and work the compleate program of recovery.god bless. Taken from wicklow ways Ireland aug 2009.
it is an istinct run rampent,a desperate need for acceptance and love that cannot be met.it hurts,it fills one with fear.The selfishness and selfcenteredness of the alcoholic lies here....we are totally preoccupied with what is going on with ourselfs on the inside.the slings and arrows of experience warped by this need drive us to the fringe,and the voices of the committee in our heads keep us there.we are obsessed with ourselfs,and from this condition of mind...the insanity of feelings gone haywire,we become self-medicators eventually.we discover alcohol or somethink else....and the stuff quiets the voices, provides the relief we,ve never been able to find in any other way.it isent any wonder we drink,or drug the way we do,but i dont think david ever understood his disease,i say that because i watched him struggle with those unresolved issues of his heart for years,his rigidity,coldness,aloofness,isolation and difficulty with other people were a reflection of the pain in his heart......of the disease of alcohol gone deep inside,and still active.Alcoholism dident need david to drink in order to continue trying to kill him,and in the end it succeeded,in the end instead of self abandoned..david abandoned hope...and discovered a bitter end.
Our recovery from alcoholism is done in steps,it is not one dimensional as they say in the AA they have a triangle....recovery,unity,service.You cannot hold back,you must not continue to suffer that shyness,aloneness that overwhelming self in my affairs.you must get involved in groups of people to practice these principals in your affairs,Only totall approach is healing,anything less is little more than driving my disease deep...and if i do that it will continue to eat away,trying to destroy me,it destroyed david,david cannot speak to his experince any longer,i am speaking in his memory,and i think that if david could talk to us today,he,s say understand your disease thoroughly and work the compleate program of recovery.god bless. Taken from wicklow ways Ireland aug 2009.
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