On being reclusive

[Prodigal Son]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted much in a while. I'm almost 20 months not one drop, so to speak. My journey has been one of self rediscovery, after having neglected it for many years. The good thing is I have gotten to know & accept my true nature for what it really is. I am an independent reclusive person. I'm also a family man, so I'm surrounded my family most of the time, & I like that. But when I have some down times I enjoy my own company, thinking, communing with nature & quiet times at home. What bugs me is I am constantly being invited to parties & all manner of social events. Really I find such situations incredibly draining & stressful. Understand this is how I really am & I'm quite OK with it. But my question is how can I be politely honest with folk who extend invitations to me without offending them or having to air out my dirty laundry? It goes without saying that I used to drink to put me at ease & cover up this side of me when going out.

[Cinders]

On being reclusive

ProdigalSon,

My hubby is just like you. He enjoys the people he works with, he loves his family. He does not like to go to parties and mingle, etc.

He'd rather stay home and work on his property, work on his computers, play music and just be home.

He does not and has never had a drink problem except when others around him drink. He hates drunken behavior. (Lucky for him he married a drunk. )

He just continues to make up reasons he can't go here or there. His true friends know his nature and accept it. He is a good man.

Occasionally he will go to someone's party, or an office do, but we go late and leave early.

It is good you are finding the real you. Don't force yourself to be someone you aren't. As you know, that can lead back to medicating to make it better.

Cindi

[redhibiscus]

On being reclusive

Prodigal son, I appreciate your need for alone time. I too have to have my alone time and with work and other responsibilities, like to stay home the majority of my time off, and don't need alot of activity. I don't see a need to apologize, just say you have other plans. And you do, they just happen to be with yourself. I think part of staying sober is learning to take care of ourselves.

Another thought, it seems that society or the media or whatever, values being busy, busy, busy, going out constantly, partying, being in large groups, etc. We are successful if we have a large group of friends, are on the go, always at a huge gathering, traveling to exotic places, and being loud. It is true we need to interact with others but where is the time for contemplation, quiet, simplicity, just being. We have to do this for ourselves and must if that is our nature. I am not saying it is bad to be busy, but some of us are made differently and have to have that quiet time alone with ourselves and our God.

Just my thoughts and congrats on the 20 months AF.

[Doggygirl]

On being reclusive

PS - congrats on 20 months sober! That is an awesome accomplishment.

I'm starting to think it must be fairly common, for some reason, that us problem drinkers also have a problem with saying "yes" and "no" to requests / invitations. I know I do, and it's something I'm working on.

I realized that many times I will say "yes" to something I would really rather not do, and then feel bad because I either do it with resentment, or I fanagle my way out of it (usually with a lie) and then feel guilty about that.

I am really working on understanding that I really DON'T have much obligation to anyone other than myself and my immediate family. I try to only say "yes" if I can do that whole heartedly and follow through without resentment. I am REALLY working on saying "no" and remembering it's a simple two letter word. I am not obligated to explain myself if I turn down a party invitation. "I can't make it" is enough.

I feel your pain - I too am much happier doing things I enjoy doing in the peace and quiet of my life. I will be glad when I have better mastery of the Guilt Free No!!!

Not sure this helps - but just letting you know that you are not alone!

DG

[Prodigal Son]

On being reclusive

Thanks for the suggestions, support & encouragement, guys. This forum got me started, & I don't feel so isolated when I come here. It feels good to share this situation, which apparently is not unique. Conversations are going nicely, then someone says, "what are you doing Saturday night?" then I think to myself "why are you doing this to me?" A Saturday night alone on the deck watching the full moon & drinking green tea is what I would much prefer. Most long term friends innately understand & respect my wishes, but there are the others that get their back up about it. It's the people who don't know me as well that play on my guilty conscience. So there must be an art to saying the perfect "No", DG. If they don't like it - too bad.

Like Redhibiscus outlines, I prefer to listen to the silence instead of the noise. This is where I find the best ideas, positive stuff & reflection that I need to keep myself balanced.

Cinders, your man sounds like an alright guy!

[Marshy]

On being reclusive

Cinders;798674 wrote: Don't force yourself to be someone you aren't. As you know, that can lead back to medicating to make it better.

Wise words, Cindi.

Prodigal - I can't add to the advice, but hope you find a good solution.

[mollyka]

On being reclusive

Prodigal i know what you mean, I love and have always loved my own company, my problem is my husband likes socialising but wants to do it with me and then I do feel guilty cos I am curtailing him, our social life revolves around the pub and I just find that intolerable. As for other people I've no problem making up excuses not to go out but I do feel sorry for him not sure that helps at all just my tuppence worth!

[peacenik]

On being reclusive

when i get invited to shindigs, i take into account who it is and who will be there. i too, am a solitary animal, and prefer being alone. if the company is mellow and i can count on some good enlightening conversation, i will say that i can probably make it (then if i don't, noone feels too bad). i usually say i'll get back to you, and if i don't feel like it, i call back with a "sorry, i have other plans" or a more honest answer of "i really don't feel like being social, thanks anyway".
i find alot of people appreciate honesty about stuff like that. half the time, i think people are doing all this stuff that they really don't want to be doing and inherently understand needing alone time.

[hiddengoal]

On being reclusive

There is something here in what you say for many of us...being true to yourself. Nice follow through on the discovery.

[Prodigal Son]

On being reclusive

Peacenik, you have a good approach to this issue. I will remember your words.

Honesty is the key to being true to yourself. How about "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm afraid I'm not a social animal"

[momof3]

On being reclusive

Hi Prodigal,

I think there might be an "alcohol" component to this (i.e., being in social situations without drinking), but it sounds like most of it is about every day "normal" person struggles.

Have you ever heard of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)? You can Google it and gets lots of information. Here's a wiki link:

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Basically it is a personality assessment that looks at your personality or MBTI type. One of the dimensions is Introverts vs. Extraverts. Introverts are described as those who have a rich inner life, prefer to be alone to "recharge" and find it tiring to be in social situations for long periods of time. It's not that they don't like people; rather they want and need lots of alone time. They also prefer one-on-one or small group conversations over large social gatherings.

They are also more inclined to be reflective thinkers and don't need to "think aloud" like extraverts do. Extraverts dominate conversations. Introverts listen. Extraverts get energized by being around people. Introverts can find extraverts extremely draining. Unfortunately, many of us are socialized to be "extraverts" even when it does not come naturally to us.

Anyhow, sounds like you're an introvert. Sounds perfectly normal to me.

M3

[Prodigal Son]

On being reclusive

Hi M3, thanks for that. Think the introverts rich inner life is me. I have great conversations with myself, I make myself laugh more than anyone else can & I often have solo pep talks that help me to excel at what I do. I've scored ISTP in a Myers Briggs test, which explains a few things.

You're right in that society & the media tends to herd us all toward being extroverted. So I believe many other introverts have/are using alcohol to numb the sensation of being in an ill fitting mould. I'm in my mid forties now & have drank since late my late teens. I guess part of recovery is sorting out that stuff long neglected, & being OK with ones own nature.

[momof3]

On being reclusive

So true, So true.

And, as I recall, the ISTP type in particular is a very small segment of the population.

M3

[looking for peace]

On being reclusive

just the opposite

Dear PS and others, I wish I could be more like you. I get very lonely when I'm by myself. I feel like I need to have a steady stream of plans. We moved to a new city last year and at 49, without little kids, it's hard to meet new people and get invited out by other couples. I miss that alot, although it hasn't been great lately when I want to stay AF. I even find myself to be really jealous when I hear about others' great weekend plans, when I have none.

I've tried to delve into meditating lately...... too scary.... to much quiet time. I don't want to give up on it though, because it's the one thing that may help me eventually enjoy my own company. Any hint on being more like you guys?

[momof3]

On being reclusive

Peace,

It sounds like you like being around people.

There's nothing wrong with that. Have you tried a book club? Other clubs/hobbies? Gym? Church groups? Hanging out in a coffee shop?

M3