What was your rock bottom

[Horsegirl]

What was your rock bottom

Great thread, Mario,

Can't say any one incident was my bottom, just was getting very frightened by not being able to stop on my own. I kept telling myself something bad was going to happen and then I would wish I had gotten help when I realized how out of control I was.

I was unaware of it at the time, but I seen something in the writings here and in the AA thread that I wanted. Their idea of one day at a time wasn't just fighting this one day at a time, but learning to deal with life one day at a time. That I guess is what I wanted. I have been in AA for two months now and am so happy and feel so relieved to be there.

Between MWO and AA, I feel like maybe I won't have to have some horrible incident happen in order to save me from myself.

Thanks again for the post,

Always enjoy your posts, Mario

HG

[hippie37]

What was your rock bottom

I thought I'd reached "bottom" on many occasions. But, it wasn't until I had that feeling of, what I can only describe as, a complete void within my soul that I was able to start my own healing process. As a few have described, "rock bottom" is not a place it is a state of being. You don't need to be physically out on the street, homeless or living in squalor and in poor health to reach that place within yourself. Everyone of us is unique and experiences our own pain in different ways and at varying degrees. I could feel immense shame at simply steeling a pint of milk off someones doorstep whereas someone else would not. We each have a different sensitivity to our feelings and how we react to situations. A guy could be homeless and be quite happy with his situation, where I could be living in a house (all mod cons) and feel absolutely depressed and 'trapped'. So it is with this idea of "rock bottom". My rock bottom is going to be completely different to anyone else's. I may of gone through some of the physical symptoms that others have been through. I may have had the same emotional pain as others. But at what level these reach breaking point for me will depend on my own sensitivity. I am aware that most alcoholics and addicts I've come into contact with are highly sensitive people. I think to be honest that's why I drank because I was so sensitive and couldn't deal with my feelings in a healthy and constructive way. I felt I was in a catch 22 for a long time because the more shame I felt, the more I needed to drink. But each time I drank another layer was stripped from my essence that meant I was slowly finding it harder and harder to cope with life. As this process kept repeating itself it was slowly but surely taking me further and further to a place within myself that was stripping me of my soul. I couldn't live my life anymore in the delusion and denial that left me feeling completely worthless and so far removed from the essence of my being. All those previous attempts at stopping drinking were needed in order to get me to that place of complete surrender. I did surrender to a degree at that point but my head wanted to keep me in the delusion. I felt my soul was completely void but my brain was working overtime on trying to make me see that I still had many more drinking days left in me. I just needed respite AGAIN. It was at this point too that I went into treatment to address the behavioural aspects of my addiction.

So my rock bottom came not through me cognitively thinking I'd had enough. NO! it came when I was 'soulless' and felt a huge void in my very being. I wasn't homeless, I wasn't constantly drinking EVERYDAY, I still had people that cared about me, I was still in contact with my daughter (JUST). I just felt void inside. It was that simple.

I was actually at the time looking after a friends house whilst she was on holiday in Las Vegas. I had the house to myself and I drank the place dry and collapsed in a heap on the floor one morning whilst trying to drink a pint of milk. When I came round I just cried my eyes out because I knew I was beat. That feeling will stay with me for a long time because it's where I started to heal from.

My wounds are my gifts to others today because without them I wouldn't be the man I am today. I'm grateful to have had that experience of death - surrender - rebirth. I've never been more in touch with who I am as a person today. I'm a long long way from being complete or whole but that's all part of the journey and I continue to learn more about ME the more I interact and connect with the world today.

I believe that if I hadn't reached that place "rock bottom". I'd be sat here stuck in my delusional little bubble of denial waiting for my next relapse to happen. Yet I'd be convincing you and me that everything was A-OK!

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[gyco]

What was your rock bottom

interesting comments,mario you have come a long way,since you 1st came here,like many others,including myself,i beleive everyone has there opinion on bottom,not that i got there,i no many that have described those days as being good at times,no bills,no tax man,and i could go on,yes the many conditions that come with an addiction,are horrendous,im not drinking rite now,that is all i can do,i cant think of yesterday,it is over and like many have said some horrible memories,lets not forget the good ones,and tomorrow willbe another day,like today,so why worry of tomorrow,the moment i live in is all i got,anything more is to much,one of the things ive lerned of late is,it wasnt the drink,change is hard,change is an adiction as much as the drinking or drugging was,hope it makes sense gyco

[OverIt2007]

What was your rock bottom

Good Topic!

I have had so many "rock bottoms" but the most amazing part of them is that I am still alive!!!

One of several "bad ones". I once passed out driving my car, in the freezing cold wintertime in Michigan. My car went off the road and down into a ditch. It was nighttime and the temperature was in the 0's.

Someone just happened to come along, and pull me out of my car and drag me into their home, and to warmth. My car could have EASILY been covered by snow, and I would have simply died.

Im positive the Good Lord has always looked after me all these years and through all the dangers I put myself and others through. I thank God I have never hurt anyone else, I would have rather died than that happen. For that, I am grateful to be here.

[catch22]

What was your rock bottom

Sometimes i Think to myself i hope this is my 'Rock Bottom' my last drunk how it sent me to a dark place of madness. But i do know i have a short Memory, i got to keep reminding myself that it not ok to drink. I can never say i will never drink again. But i do know i got to that Level you say Mario reaching out for help knowning i can't do this on my own i need to be with people that have the some problem and share face to face.
Thanks for the post Mario.x

[momof3]

What was your rock bottom

I had a series of "bottoms" before I quit for good almost 2 years ago. I had a pretty severe relapse, an all night binge, when I finally decided that enough was enough. I vividly recall telling my husband that if I continued on this path, I would surely die. Whenever I even have a twinge of a craving or thought of drinking alcohol, I can easily recall that moment. I have too much lose.

It is interesting to me how everyone's bottom is so different; like an elevator. Some go to the sub-basement while others stop at the lobby. My brother is addicted to pain meds. He was recently evicted from his apartment and has been in the hospital several times this year because of overdoses. He still does not "get" that he has a problem and needs to stop. He continues to blame his plight on everyone else.

[OverIt2007]

What was your rock bottom

Like Momof3, The term "Too much to Lose" rings loud with me too. I think we ALL have to much to lose.

After I became a mother, I realized that this just isnt about me anymore. Its not just me that has too much to lose, its about the well being of my family that has too much to lose too!!

Is that you in the picture running Momof3? You go gurl!!!

[Stargazerlily]

What was your rock bottom

Having used alcohol for 30+ years I have had so many bottoms that I cannot count them. Yet, I have never been arrested, lost a job, been unable to pay bills or had any outward signs of a bottom. I have never drunk all day every day, but when I drink I usually drink till I pass out. It is just my own personal hell, the osing my soul and the essense of self that Hippie describes.

I remember one time as I was waking up in the middle of the night after drinking myself into oblivion, I had a feeling of a dark spirit over me, and I was scared out of my mind. It occured to me that the spirit of alcohol is the dark shadow or dark spirit that separates me from my Higher Power. I consciously used my will to push the darkness away from me as it felt like it did not want to leave. Whew, yet I still drank again.

The last bottom I had was less than a month ago. Did not mean to drink SEVEN martini's, but did. Could not remember the evening and I was out with people for the first time. Felt physically ill and emotionally and spiritually empty, void, except for negativity. What a disgrace, and at my age too. I vowed the next day that I cannot do this to myself again. I deserve to treat myself with love and respect.

Day 25 AF and keeping that experience clear in my mind. Part of this illness is the forgetting of the reality of drinking. For all of us it is just not worth the short buzz of the first drink.

[Trish]

What was your rock bottom

[So my rock bottom came not through me cognitively thinking I'd had enough. NO! it came when I was 'soulless' and felt a huge void in my very being. I wasn't homeless, I wasn't constantly drinking EVERYDAY, I still had people that cared about me, I was still in contact with my daughter (JUST). I just felt void inside. It was that simple./]

[tylyr]

What was your rock bottom

Excellent post - just found it. I too have had many, many bottoms, but I still go back to the wine. I'm not a massive drinker - at least not in the same way as some here - but I know in myself that it's way too much. I have periods of not drinking, and then give in again. Clare, I understand how you feel, I constantly give up and then start again.

[Butterflybe]

What was your rock bottom

Just found this thread and feel so pleased I did as entering Day 3 AF. Reading these posts has reminded me of why I want to beat my alcohol abuse as I know that if I drink again I have too much to lose and I really don't want to lose my family or any more friends because of my drinking! You'd think just 3 days into this journey I could remember why I started, but it seems so much easier to put the reasons to succeed aside and believe I could moderate! No, for me I think it has to be AF!
Thanks to you all
ButterflyBe

[Litre]

What was your rock bottom

I also just found this thread, and I find it interesting just how different we all feel about our rock bottom. I was like Rusty, I had a few glasses with my lunch and left to go to my Dr. Then went to my sisters work. From there we went to her house. Now I left home about 1 pm and got to my sisters house around 5:30. We had a glass of wine and I left. I should have been okay. Now please let me go back a week. I had a lung biopsy, which punctured my lung and was in hospital over night. I was on percisect and then at home oxycoton my spelling is bad, but you got the drift. I had not had any pain killers for a couple of days before I went to the Dr. I left my sisters around 7pm. Here is where I don't remember much. I was found quite a way from home by strangers who called the police. So from there I was taken to jail and had a breathilizer. Still waiting for my court date, but by the grace of God, I did not hurt anyone. The next day I put myself into detox for a week and have been AF since March 17th

[momof3]

What was your rock bottom

This is a very good thread for me to read from time to time to remind me of how powerful and devastating alcohol is.

Another question comes to mind when I read the posts: How many bottoms do each of us we have in us? (before we die; hurt someone else, etc.). It is a bit like playing russian roulette.

[Doggygirl]

What was your rock bottom

M3, I hear this saying quite a bit:

I know I have another drink in me. I just don't know if I have another recovery in me.

I know how easy it would be to drink again. VERY. I just have no idea if I could manage to stop again - especially before serious consequences like the ones described on this thread.

DG

[daybyday]

What was your rock bottom

What a great thread, just read through the whole thing. Thanks for this question Mario.

I have had so many disgraceful experiences with AL for over 30 years, repeated over and over again....falling into campfires, blacking out and being dragged from bar to bar for hours not remembering a thing, violence, driving drunk, yet still functioning at paying bills, going to work, maintaining a home and thinking I "looked" like I had the most perfect life on earth (realize now sober that I probably wasn't really pulling that off as well as I thought I was).....so rock bottom never came from one isolated incident for me.

It recently came when I realized I am about to turn 47 soon. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am the next bottle of wine....that is all I thought about all my waking hours...the next bottle of wine.....There were no longer good occassions where wine may be, it was what occassion can I conjure up now so that we can have wine? Occassions became one disaster after another but the wine was always constant.

I was a really happy free-spirited child although hyper sensitive as someone else mentioned of many addicts. That free-spirit died inside me somewhere a long time ago though in a bottle.

My rock bottom is wanting my spirit and soul back again. I want to be a whole human being again. I want to be Free. :lilangel: