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November 5th

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    #1

    November 5th

    Up late again--but its nice knowing that I will sleep in, but not all day! Ditto to everyone's posts yesterday--except Sophie and the morning thing. I so want to become a rooster--but I am still a night owl.

    We rented the movie "Click" tonight. It reminded me of how I used to (and still do-just not as much) fast forward or pause through life--missing all the really important things--or being there but only running at about 20%. It got me thinking about if there was one thing I could get back because of my drinking, but can't what would it be?

    For me it would be when my kids were infants. I did not drink during the pregnancies, but made up for it almost as soon as we got home from the hospital. Our situation has allowed my husband to stay home with the kids since our first son was born. Since he was home it enabled me to drink myself silly and pass out for bed. He got up for every one of the late night feedings (I can recall only doing it once). I wish I could go back and have done some of those late night feedings. Just me and the baby in the wee hours of the morning. Feeding them, changing them, smell them and rocking them back to sleep. I did these things during the day, but I never was 100% present because of a hangover. Here is the one thing I hear so many new parents complain about--and I wish I had it to do all over again.

    This regret is one that helps me stay sober. They are 3 and 5 now--and I love relishing the laughs, the snuggles and even the crying and fighting and being 100% there. I don't want to miss any more than I already have--no matter how major or minor it may be.

    If you could only pick one--what would you choose to be your "do over again"? Does this help you stay sober?

    Kim
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    #2
    November 5th

    Kim:

    Do overs huh? What we call a mulligan at the golf tee.

    It's complicated, but I guess I would like to do my college days over again. I still look back on those days as the happiest in my life, and wonder what it would have been like to have been abstinent.

    I remember so many good times from those days, partying with close friends. I remember the beautiful girl friends I had, and the happiness I felt being with them. They were drinkers too, back then.

    I was still young, and no way could I have stopped my drinking back then anyway. I had not found a way to deal with my psychological problems in any effective way, as I think I have now. I had not developed the maturity or skills to deal with so many of the things I think made me drink. There is a clear memory of wanting to stop drinking and smoking from back then, so I know it was not all so rosy, but that's how memories are from 25 years ago. You tend to remember the good things, and not the bad things.

    If I had been able to resolve all the deep issues I had, and had known how to be myself without fear, shame, or guilt....perhaps I could have made a go of it. Maybe I could have done much better in my studies, and maybe would have ended up in a better situation than I am now. Maybe not.

    Anyway, the past is the past. I am hopeful, and getting more confident every day, that as I recover, the days ahead will be the best I've ever known. I still have much work to do. No way am I in the clear, and I must constantly keep vigil over everything. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel now, and one by one, those psychological issues are falling by the wayside. At least I can get a grip on the core issues now, and not feel overwhelmed and hopeless. That's a great feeling to have, if just by itself.

    Time to consider the future, and how I can make it better. Best I not dwell on the past, but only remember it as a guide in healing up the damage.

    Be well.

    Neil

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      #3
      November 5th

      Kim,
      I have many things I would change but number one is to have spent more one-on-one time with my Son laughing, listening, and teaching all with a clear mind. I have a great deal of guilt and shame for not being 100% for my Son who is now 32. I was always there but it was with a drink in hand you could hear my every move by the sound of the ice tinkering in the glass. Too many days (years) I must have seemed distant because of the hangovers.
      Neal, you sound like you''ve really had a breakthrough. The past is the past and we have so much to do and be thankful for and we can only do that by staying aware of our weakness. I've tried to understand why I medicated myself so heavily and I just don't get why and may never get it. The important thing is I understood I was slowing killing myself and I'm thankful I still liked myself enough to keep looking for help.

      Well guess I better sign off and go exercise - it's still not second nature but I'm doing it EVERYDAY...

      Take care,
      spacie

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        #4
        November 5th

        Kim,
        Do you know I'm in a phase, where I'm not regretting anything.. because if I changed any of that I wouldnt be where I am now. I"m not saying I WANTED it to be that hard for me.. but it didnt break me and I DID get through it, when I was ready.

        Thats not to say I didnt do stupid things.. I did.. but if I changed any of the past, I wouldnt be where I am now.

        Kim, Neil and Spacie you make this board better, I"m so glad you are here.
        Brigid
        did you notice I had to change my avatar.. cos i feel like I"m no longer struggling out of the pool.. i'm happy.. if that changes my picture will have to change!!!!!

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          #5
          November 5th

          Hello Again

          Hi friends,

          Big surprise I know, but I have been reading fairly regularly trying to keep up with everyone. I have not had the courage to write because the words just don't come easy lately.

          Sober now fifty-nine days and in the middle of separating from my husband of 22 years. We're just too connected by eachothers' abnormal drinking patterns. It's been so heartbreaking and yet liberating all at once. I finally am able to put sobriety first and as awful as it may sound to some, without it I have no hope of a happy marriage. Some may think it drastic but only I know what I've been through, the desparate attempts to save him and myself from demon alcohol have driven me to the brink of insanity more than a few times.

          I now have none of the expectations for him to want what I need. He is free to be who he needs to be and so am I. The kicker? We still are living together in relative peace. The financial horror of it is just now starting to register, but NEVER does the thought of drinking occur to me as a reasonable response.

          I have incredible gratitude for those of you here who have been my constant companions. I have gained a beautiful new friend, Kim, and we help eachother through good times and bad. We are accountable to one another and encourage eachother especially in the meeting department. We both have found our way out, Thank You GOD

          I look forward to getting to know everyone new here and rekindling some old friendships too. Much love and congrats to all who pass through this place.

          Blessings,
          Lori

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            #6
            November 5th

            Lori

            What a beautiful post. You are doing what you need to do for yourself so that you can have a happy life. Without happiness for ourselves there can not be a happy marriage.

            59 days--WOW-and congrats! Digging ourselves out isn't always easy, but always worth it.

            Thanks so much for your friendship, it means the world to me.

            Love,

            Kim

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              #7
              November 5th

              Lori,
              welcome back...

              59 days. great... and sounds like you have lots going on but are making good decisions..
              aint that great
              brigid

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                #8
                November 5th

                Hi all,

                Brigid: LOVE the new avatar and what it means for you.

                Lori: Good to see you!!

                Kate, Spacie, Neil: Hey!

                Kim, and everyone: My do-over, my Mulligan. Well, I'd have to say my 30's. I would go back to where I was about 8 years ago, at least, when I had just barely started to suffer from alcoholism, and say, "enough is enough." I would get it over with, and quit then, on my 30th birthday. (It would have been a waste of time to try before then -- in my 20's I would not have been ready to even try.) I would get on with living my life sober. I would have perhaps married one of the half-dozen or so very eligible bachelors who fell in love with me along the way since then, but I was too f*'d up to really notice they were worth something. (And some of them really WERE.) I would have also quit smoking.

                But hey, what's it they say? Don't cry over spilt milk? I have today. And I can turn things around AS OF RIGHT NOW. Enough IS bloody enough.

                Mike
                "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

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