Its at this time of year that I think of mwo.
Just longer than 5 years ago I knew I had to stop drinking. I found this site (and one other) but found the courage to post here. Some wonderful people outstretched themselves to me. I will never forget them. On 1 November I set it up and decided that this was the line in the sand moment.
You see, I was a wine drinker. I used to try to fool myself that I was a wine snob.. jeepers how I kidded myself. My honesty was that the reality was that I got to a place where I drank to blackout pure and simple. that was the goal. The fact that I was not in trouble with the law or had not lost my job is irrelevant to my story... my truth was that I drank to get drunk.
The lure of medication to help me enticed me to this site - I guess I had tried a gazillion times to stop (so I told myself) and in my head I *thought* I couldnt do it but even though I ordered Campral I never used it. I think it was a sign that I'd use anything.. ironically I'm against medication (I can see the irony in that) and it just showed me I would do whatever it took for me to get sober. My truth is I knew in my heart I just had to go through my hard yards. I believe that if I had done meds that I would have started drinking again or I'd be addicted to them and unable to stay sober without them and I wanted free of the beast. It was the most frightening thing I've ever done. Never will I fool myself that it was easy for me. Never will I think that it was ok for me to be in the dark place where death felt like a viable option.
So. Here I am today. I have not had one single drink of alcohol. Not one. Five years. Not one day drunk in five years.. not one slip.. not one drop of alcohol. Nada. Zilch. 5 years.
Have you any idea how happy that makes me feel to write that?
In the beginning sometimes staying sober for 10 minutes was hard. When I'd get those darned cravings I"d say to myself.. just dont drink for 10 minutes. Gads... I dont want to go back to that. I remember one day coming onto mwo and some kind person just said to me.. dont think of tomorrow, just dont drink today. I heeded her advice and have done so many times. Its all about today. Sometimes the thought of not drinking forever would really mess with my brain and during those times I had to just think of today. Now to think of it as forever is liberation, freedom and life. I am greatful for that.
I have had someone try to spike a drink of mine. It was kind of odd really. Thing is that when you are sober you cant be fooled. I suspected that this person was shifty and threatened by the fact that I was not drinking.. and when my back was turned.. well... you know how it is. But when I lifted my drink I smelt it. No fuss. Just go to the sink and pour it down. Easy. No. Not one drop of alcohol has passed my lips.
Food is more challenging. I find at xmas time people put booze into food. I dont want to ask "scuze me but is there booze in this" so I just go for things I know are safe.. so I miss lovely looking round chocolate balls (often with rum) and I go for chips out of a packet or a quiche.
Today I am proud of myself. In my life today there will be no moment of recognition that I've done this.. no chip or coin. I have one person who really knows the hard yards I have done but apart from that this will not be noticed by others. But I know what I've done. I know where I was. I know and today I'm proud. I dont want to boast here but I want to acknowledge myself. I remember like it was yesterday being amazed that someone had gone a week without drink. Jeepers, I hoped I could do that. Then those that did 30 days. Many more couldnt or didnt. People came and went here and it was hard work keeping up with it all. By the time I got to about 18 months most people I knew at the beginning had left.. I can only assume why. I never read of people saying.. "I've done 10 months sober and I"m going back to drinking and I"m happy" no.. what seemed to happen was they disappeared and then they come back with the dark cloud over them saying its not good and they have to start again.. when they come back its like that realisation all over that its not worth it. I saw that happen 1000 times if I saw it once. Each time I saw it my resolve hardened. I dont want to go back again.. I know that realisation that for me its just not right to drink not even one drink... I keep that realisation real and current.
You see I've had a number of people say to me (and dont think I have not toyed with the thought myself) that I'm not that bad.. its under control now. I have people who think that in some way this was easy for me.. and they are way mistaken, let me tell you. This was not easy at all. This sobriety of mine is hard fought. That being said, of course there have been moments where I've wondered can I drink again. That is where this site has been good for me.. if you trawl through it wont take you long to find a gazillion times where people come here downcast because they were drinking again. Making that effort to go sober over and over again is something I remember too. Heavens it is exhausting. I tried every which way to moderate.. to cut down. I was fooling myself. The only way I can prevent that from happening to me again is not to take one single drink. And so I dont.
I guess this thinking of mine makes me sound harsh. I say to myself that no matter what I wont pick up a drink. Not for a death or a betrayal, not for anything. There can be nothing that would make me want to drink. I have worked hard to get to this mind frame. If hard things happen (and they have and do) I will live through it sober. If there are things I need to learn, hopefully I'll learn them. I know for sure I wont learn my lessons drunk.
Living sober has its ups and downs, that is for sure. The hard yards of life can be waring. But my decision is final and total. For me there can be no other way. My promise to myself is that no matter what the drama in my life I no longer accept it as an excuse to drink. Drinking was killing me and I'm going to live.. through the ups and downs. Right here. Right now. Right here - sober.
I did not realise it at the beginning because all my effort went onto simply not drinking.. but then the emotional cleansing started. I would summarise most of this journey of mine as a spiritual one. I'm not talking about conventional religion but internal spirituality... and it is ongoing.
Exercise has helped me no end. To get me moving took a lot but I managed it and I know that it is important. I never regret going to exercise but I always regret or notice when I dont go. It is imperative for me.
I am aware that I have not kept up with the community on this site. I have had a look around and there are many names that are new to me. I see that this section of the board is still pretty quiet. But if anyone was around when I used to be here a lot and was wondering how I was going (says she hopefully).. I want them to know that I am ok. The journey of sobriety was linked (for me) with this site. Once I got the hang of it I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to heal everyone else. To give them my hand to help them. Then I got angry... I mean, why wouldnt people just do what I did. Thats when I knew I had more work to do on myself and I started to move away from here. I was unable to watch the volume of pain for that long. For me, that was the right thing to do. I can only do this for me... and to do it for me, I have to listen to myself and act where I need to. You know... I think that when I first 'got it' about sobriety I wanted to help the world.. I went into overdrive trying to pull people along when all along it was me that I needed to work on. I guess many of us might think we can 'be there' for others in this journey but my reality was that I needed to 'be there' for myself for to think that I was worth the effort. That was hard for me. I'm not saying that others didnt help me, you understand.. far from it.. what I am alluding to is the need for us to work internally on this.
I dont count the days or months now. I count the year markers. They say (in research) that at 5 years your likelihood of relapse (how I hate that word) is greatly reduced. I sure hope that is true. For me, though, its my mind set. I need to keep my determination. It must remain real for me. My memory of where I was 5 years ago must not be sugar coated.
As long as I live I will not drink. If ever I think I might drink I'll act immediately.. I'll read my earlier posts which I saved to remind myself where I was and I'll call my trusted friends to help.. I'll go to AA even and I didnt do that. I'll do whatever it takes. The only reason for me to drink would be if I want to die. For it sure was killing me.
I am tougher than I thought I was in the beginning... thank heavens. No going back, no way. I did not do RJ's program, but I did use her site...
My path to sobriety was free... but it was hard work
Honesty
Cold turkey sober
organic diet
exercise
meditation
inner work
counselling
determination
no meds. I'm done with medicating myself.
Thanks if you have read this. For anyone starting out... you have my best wishes. I have been there. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and the best. The task is not impossible. But having started I'd say it is actually easier to keep going forward with this than to go back because to go back I'd have to redo it all again. Life is worth being sober for.. we only get one shot at it.
Best of luck and determination to everyone.
About time too
Just longer than 5 years ago I knew I had to stop drinking. I found this site (and one other) but found the courage to post here. Some wonderful people outstretched themselves to me. I will never forget them. On 1 November I set it up and decided that this was the line in the sand moment.
You see, I was a wine drinker. I used to try to fool myself that I was a wine snob.. jeepers how I kidded myself. My honesty was that the reality was that I got to a place where I drank to blackout pure and simple. that was the goal. The fact that I was not in trouble with the law or had not lost my job is irrelevant to my story... my truth was that I drank to get drunk.
The lure of medication to help me enticed me to this site - I guess I had tried a gazillion times to stop (so I told myself) and in my head I *thought* I couldnt do it but even though I ordered Campral I never used it. I think it was a sign that I'd use anything.. ironically I'm against medication (I can see the irony in that) and it just showed me I would do whatever it took for me to get sober. My truth is I knew in my heart I just had to go through my hard yards. I believe that if I had done meds that I would have started drinking again or I'd be addicted to them and unable to stay sober without them and I wanted free of the beast. It was the most frightening thing I've ever done. Never will I fool myself that it was easy for me. Never will I think that it was ok for me to be in the dark place where death felt like a viable option.
So. Here I am today. I have not had one single drink of alcohol. Not one. Five years. Not one day drunk in five years.. not one slip.. not one drop of alcohol. Nada. Zilch. 5 years.
Have you any idea how happy that makes me feel to write that?
In the beginning sometimes staying sober for 10 minutes was hard. When I'd get those darned cravings I"d say to myself.. just dont drink for 10 minutes. Gads... I dont want to go back to that. I remember one day coming onto mwo and some kind person just said to me.. dont think of tomorrow, just dont drink today. I heeded her advice and have done so many times. Its all about today. Sometimes the thought of not drinking forever would really mess with my brain and during those times I had to just think of today. Now to think of it as forever is liberation, freedom and life. I am greatful for that.
I have had someone try to spike a drink of mine. It was kind of odd really. Thing is that when you are sober you cant be fooled. I suspected that this person was shifty and threatened by the fact that I was not drinking.. and when my back was turned.. well... you know how it is. But when I lifted my drink I smelt it. No fuss. Just go to the sink and pour it down. Easy. No. Not one drop of alcohol has passed my lips.
Food is more challenging. I find at xmas time people put booze into food. I dont want to ask "scuze me but is there booze in this" so I just go for things I know are safe.. so I miss lovely looking round chocolate balls (often with rum) and I go for chips out of a packet or a quiche.
Today I am proud of myself. In my life today there will be no moment of recognition that I've done this.. no chip or coin. I have one person who really knows the hard yards I have done but apart from that this will not be noticed by others. But I know what I've done. I know where I was. I know and today I'm proud. I dont want to boast here but I want to acknowledge myself. I remember like it was yesterday being amazed that someone had gone a week without drink. Jeepers, I hoped I could do that. Then those that did 30 days. Many more couldnt or didnt. People came and went here and it was hard work keeping up with it all. By the time I got to about 18 months most people I knew at the beginning had left.. I can only assume why. I never read of people saying.. "I've done 10 months sober and I"m going back to drinking and I"m happy" no.. what seemed to happen was they disappeared and then they come back with the dark cloud over them saying its not good and they have to start again.. when they come back its like that realisation all over that its not worth it. I saw that happen 1000 times if I saw it once. Each time I saw it my resolve hardened. I dont want to go back again.. I know that realisation that for me its just not right to drink not even one drink... I keep that realisation real and current.
You see I've had a number of people say to me (and dont think I have not toyed with the thought myself) that I'm not that bad.. its under control now. I have people who think that in some way this was easy for me.. and they are way mistaken, let me tell you. This was not easy at all. This sobriety of mine is hard fought. That being said, of course there have been moments where I've wondered can I drink again. That is where this site has been good for me.. if you trawl through it wont take you long to find a gazillion times where people come here downcast because they were drinking again. Making that effort to go sober over and over again is something I remember too. Heavens it is exhausting. I tried every which way to moderate.. to cut down. I was fooling myself. The only way I can prevent that from happening to me again is not to take one single drink. And so I dont.
I guess this thinking of mine makes me sound harsh. I say to myself that no matter what I wont pick up a drink. Not for a death or a betrayal, not for anything. There can be nothing that would make me want to drink. I have worked hard to get to this mind frame. If hard things happen (and they have and do) I will live through it sober. If there are things I need to learn, hopefully I'll learn them. I know for sure I wont learn my lessons drunk.
Living sober has its ups and downs, that is for sure. The hard yards of life can be waring. But my decision is final and total. For me there can be no other way. My promise to myself is that no matter what the drama in my life I no longer accept it as an excuse to drink. Drinking was killing me and I'm going to live.. through the ups and downs. Right here. Right now. Right here - sober.
I did not realise it at the beginning because all my effort went onto simply not drinking.. but then the emotional cleansing started. I would summarise most of this journey of mine as a spiritual one. I'm not talking about conventional religion but internal spirituality... and it is ongoing.
Exercise has helped me no end. To get me moving took a lot but I managed it and I know that it is important. I never regret going to exercise but I always regret or notice when I dont go. It is imperative for me.
I am aware that I have not kept up with the community on this site. I have had a look around and there are many names that are new to me. I see that this section of the board is still pretty quiet. But if anyone was around when I used to be here a lot and was wondering how I was going (says she hopefully).. I want them to know that I am ok. The journey of sobriety was linked (for me) with this site. Once I got the hang of it I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to heal everyone else. To give them my hand to help them. Then I got angry... I mean, why wouldnt people just do what I did. Thats when I knew I had more work to do on myself and I started to move away from here. I was unable to watch the volume of pain for that long. For me, that was the right thing to do. I can only do this for me... and to do it for me, I have to listen to myself and act where I need to. You know... I think that when I first 'got it' about sobriety I wanted to help the world.. I went into overdrive trying to pull people along when all along it was me that I needed to work on. I guess many of us might think we can 'be there' for others in this journey but my reality was that I needed to 'be there' for myself for to think that I was worth the effort. That was hard for me. I'm not saying that others didnt help me, you understand.. far from it.. what I am alluding to is the need for us to work internally on this.
I dont count the days or months now. I count the year markers. They say (in research) that at 5 years your likelihood of relapse (how I hate that word) is greatly reduced. I sure hope that is true. For me, though, its my mind set. I need to keep my determination. It must remain real for me. My memory of where I was 5 years ago must not be sugar coated.
As long as I live I will not drink. If ever I think I might drink I'll act immediately.. I'll read my earlier posts which I saved to remind myself where I was and I'll call my trusted friends to help.. I'll go to AA even and I didnt do that. I'll do whatever it takes. The only reason for me to drink would be if I want to die. For it sure was killing me.
I am tougher than I thought I was in the beginning... thank heavens. No going back, no way. I did not do RJ's program, but I did use her site...
My path to sobriety was free... but it was hard work
Honesty
Cold turkey sober
organic diet
exercise
meditation
inner work
counselling
determination
no meds. I'm done with medicating myself.
Thanks if you have read this. For anyone starting out... you have my best wishes. I have been there. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and the best. The task is not impossible. But having started I'd say it is actually easier to keep going forward with this than to go back because to go back I'd have to redo it all again. Life is worth being sober for.. we only get one shot at it.
Best of luck and determination to everyone.
About time too
wl:
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