I spent many years drinking, heavily since I was about 23 and for most of that time I didn't want to stop. I got married when I was 20 to a lovely girl and we decided early on to have two kids so that we'd still be young enough to enjoy life when they had grown up and left home. I never likes pubs or clubbing - far too many people and I hated having to stand at a bar waiting to get served - so I spent most of my drinking time in the house. I considered this my right as I'd been working all day and deserved my treat. The weekends were a particular pleasure as I'd go to the booze shop on a Friday night and drink myself silly while my wife went out with her friends. We often got invited out on Saturdays and I'd stay sober until a couple of hours before the event so as not to be an embarressment. This courtesy eventually stopped, as I preferred to get drunk during the day and would often go out roaring drunk and not remember a thing, or just not go. I didn't care one way or the other. I just wanted peace to do what I wanted.
Meanwhile the children were growing up. I'd make time every Sunday to spend the day with my family and we'd have a lot of fun but I never realised until much later that they had come to dread the weekends; particularly Saturdays. I was just a drunk and they hated coming in on Saturdays and seeing me drinking or out cold on the couch at 5 o'clock in the evening. Usually I'd wake up and go get some more and that would be as far as my memories went. Some Sundays I'd wake with burst knuckles - on occasion the odd broken finger and find that I'd punched another hole in one of the doors. I'd vow, every time, that that would be the last...and mean it, but come Tuesday or Wednesday, I'd be back round the shop, salivating profusely and dying to get as much vodka down my neck as quickly as I could. To this day I cannot understand why. I knew drink was ruining, or more accurately, had ruined my life and that of those around me, but I just kept going. I think I thought that that was who I am and that was all there is to it.
Four years ago my first grandchild was born and I made a decision, yet again to quit, but not before I'd wet the baby's head and made an arse of myself for the thousanth time. That's when I found MWO.
To cut a very long story a little shorter, about two years ago I hit rock bottom. I can still feel the crash. I was battered and bruised, begging a bed from my then ex-wife - who never gave up no me - unemployed and drunk. I had nothing and nobody and I just wanted gone.
That was the turning point....
I had an appointment to see my doctor after getting beat up by my very angry son. I decided then and there that I couldn't do this on my own and if there was any help available, I was going to take it. My doctor was brilliant. She set me up with some medication and a counsellor who helped me get a place to live. I applied for every job going and eventually found one; nothing special, but I make enough to pay my way and a little left over - 'Fun Money' I call it - and spent many months working out a way to live as simply and contentedly as possible. Drink had taken up all of my leisure time for twenty years and finding something to fill that time was going to be hard, or so I thought. There have always been things that I wanted to do; learning and finding ways to keep myself healthy and also delving into my spiritual nature, which I must say has been a revelation. It's just a matter of getting up off my arse and making things happen. I have never blamed anyone for my problems and I knew that I was responsible for Me and I was disgusted at how weak I had become.
It's been 23 months or thereabouts since I took control of myself and though I miss a nice cool pint some days, I'm not daft enough to want to get myself in any more trouble.
Everything has changed. My relationships with people, and myself and I'm glad they have. I live at a much more gentle pace. I don't live in fantasy-land any more. I know what's real and what matters. There's come some sort of self-reliance; not in a material sense, but a deeper kind of integity that's giving me new priorities. I have discovered that I can have a good effect on things and that it's not all about me, though only I can sort myself out. It can't be done for me. I can have a good life without drinking and without associating fun with booze. In all my life I have found that most bad things that have happened to me have happened while I was drinking.
I'm genuinely grateful to have another shot at life and I don't want to mess it up again; mine or anybody elses. I still feel like a Newbie. There's still so much to learn about everything that I used to take for granted and I'm having a great time finding out.
Meanwhile the children were growing up. I'd make time every Sunday to spend the day with my family and we'd have a lot of fun but I never realised until much later that they had come to dread the weekends; particularly Saturdays. I was just a drunk and they hated coming in on Saturdays and seeing me drinking or out cold on the couch at 5 o'clock in the evening. Usually I'd wake up and go get some more and that would be as far as my memories went. Some Sundays I'd wake with burst knuckles - on occasion the odd broken finger and find that I'd punched another hole in one of the doors. I'd vow, every time, that that would be the last...and mean it, but come Tuesday or Wednesday, I'd be back round the shop, salivating profusely and dying to get as much vodka down my neck as quickly as I could. To this day I cannot understand why. I knew drink was ruining, or more accurately, had ruined my life and that of those around me, but I just kept going. I think I thought that that was who I am and that was all there is to it.
Four years ago my first grandchild was born and I made a decision, yet again to quit, but not before I'd wet the baby's head and made an arse of myself for the thousanth time. That's when I found MWO.
To cut a very long story a little shorter, about two years ago I hit rock bottom. I can still feel the crash. I was battered and bruised, begging a bed from my then ex-wife - who never gave up no me - unemployed and drunk. I had nothing and nobody and I just wanted gone.
That was the turning point....
I had an appointment to see my doctor after getting beat up by my very angry son. I decided then and there that I couldn't do this on my own and if there was any help available, I was going to take it. My doctor was brilliant. She set me up with some medication and a counsellor who helped me get a place to live. I applied for every job going and eventually found one; nothing special, but I make enough to pay my way and a little left over - 'Fun Money' I call it - and spent many months working out a way to live as simply and contentedly as possible. Drink had taken up all of my leisure time for twenty years and finding something to fill that time was going to be hard, or so I thought. There have always been things that I wanted to do; learning and finding ways to keep myself healthy and also delving into my spiritual nature, which I must say has been a revelation. It's just a matter of getting up off my arse and making things happen. I have never blamed anyone for my problems and I knew that I was responsible for Me and I was disgusted at how weak I had become.
It's been 23 months or thereabouts since I took control of myself and though I miss a nice cool pint some days, I'm not daft enough to want to get myself in any more trouble.
Everything has changed. My relationships with people, and myself and I'm glad they have. I live at a much more gentle pace. I don't live in fantasy-land any more. I know what's real and what matters. There's come some sort of self-reliance; not in a material sense, but a deeper kind of integity that's giving me new priorities. I have discovered that I can have a good effect on things and that it's not all about me, though only I can sort myself out. It can't be done for me. I can have a good life without drinking and without associating fun with booze. In all my life I have found that most bad things that have happened to me have happened while I was drinking.
I'm genuinely grateful to have another shot at life and I don't want to mess it up again; mine or anybody elses. I still feel like a Newbie. There's still so much to learn about everything that I used to take for granted and I'm having a great time finding out.
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