Good morning, folks.
Here's a topic I've been giving some thought to, and I wanted to throw it out there for your opinion. Before I do, I will preface my question with a little of my history for anyone who doesn't know it. I do that in hopes that no one who reads this will think that I am trying to be judgmental or harsh in any way. Believe me, I have been in the trenches, and I know how hard it is.
I tried quitting drinking on my own starting in 1998, with no program of any kind. I found that I could sometimes make it to 30 days with a HUGE struggle, but not much farther than that. I would always give in and go back to the bottle. Eventually I went to AA in 2000. My first go at AA was fairly successful. I had 9 months' sobriety, but eventually I got complacent and "rested on my laurels" -- and went back to the bottle. From 2000 to 2005 I made several attempts in AA and one in a traditional outpatient treatment center, and never made it past 90 days. I was always daydreaming about a drink, fighting cravings, etc. Finally in the fall of 2005 I started MWO for the first time. I had a good start but eventually failed at this too -- back to the bottle for yet another round of drinking, until I came back this last time, hopefully THE last time. I do feel that things have changed inside me this time around. I feel that I've made a complete shift in my thinking, which is something that I've never done before. I don't find myself daydreaming about a drink, or allowing myself to think about it.
In all those times in the past when I failed, I can honestly say that I knew what I was doing when I took a drink. No one forced me. I was not possessed by some sort of evil spirit that made me buy a bottle against my will. I chose to buy a bottle and drink it. And to a certain extent, those purchases and the subsequent drinking were premeditated acts. I had to go through some sort of thought process -- often an internal argument with myself that lasted for hours -- before making the final decision to go and do it. Sure, sometimes it didn't take hours. It might have only taken 2 minutes. But I still knew what I was doing. I had an urge, I went through some thought process, and I acted on the urge.
So here is the question. Is it fair to call that kind of act a "slip?" Calling it a slip seems to make it sound like I just happened to do it, that it wasn't really a big deal, that it was some benign action and that everything's OK, and it implies that it's over and done with. The reality, it seems to me, is much more complex than that. If I take a drink now, it's much more than a "slip." If I take a drink, I didn't just stumble upon some alcoholic beverage and have it fall into my gullet. I had to go through some process to get to the point of getting an alcoholic beverage in my hand. How did that happen? How did I get in that situation? Did I buy it? Did I end up at a social function I didn't know I was going to? Was I unprepared to deal with that? And if I am so unprepared as to be able to say no to a drink, what am I not doing for my recovery? How committed am I to remaining sober? I know that alcohol is around me all the time -- most of the work I've been doing thus far has revolved around how to stay sober in spite of the presence of alcohol in our culture. My point is that a slip really isn't a "slip" -- at least not for me. It is more aptly called a relapse. Or maybe something else, I'm not sure. But I can't brush it off as just a temporary lapse in judgment and be done with it. No, the world hasn't come to an end if I have had one drink. But my God -- look at what's at stake. Look at where one drink has led me in the past. History always repeats itself. I don't have the luxury of making that mistake again.
Maybe for someone who is trying to abstain for the first time around, and who is early in abstinence, a slip really is a slip. Cravings can come and sneak up on you and hijack your thinking, and before you know it you have a drink in hand. But for me, I have been around this block too many times to not recognize the signs of a slip -- no, a relapse -- coming well ahead of time. One of those big warning signs for me would be that I would start to allow myself to daydream about a cocktail, or a glass of wine, or a nice cold beer. See how the language works: "a nice cold beer." Even using that language gives the alcohol power in my mind. I try and stay away from that. I strike the words "nice and cold" from that phrase whenever I can. Take everything away from alcohol that might make it enticing, and I'm less likely to have a relapse.
Anyway, I'm just curious what your thoughts are. Slip or relapse?
And also: what do you do to prevent it, whatever you call it?
Here's a topic I've been giving some thought to, and I wanted to throw it out there for your opinion. Before I do, I will preface my question with a little of my history for anyone who doesn't know it. I do that in hopes that no one who reads this will think that I am trying to be judgmental or harsh in any way. Believe me, I have been in the trenches, and I know how hard it is.
I tried quitting drinking on my own starting in 1998, with no program of any kind. I found that I could sometimes make it to 30 days with a HUGE struggle, but not much farther than that. I would always give in and go back to the bottle. Eventually I went to AA in 2000. My first go at AA was fairly successful. I had 9 months' sobriety, but eventually I got complacent and "rested on my laurels" -- and went back to the bottle. From 2000 to 2005 I made several attempts in AA and one in a traditional outpatient treatment center, and never made it past 90 days. I was always daydreaming about a drink, fighting cravings, etc. Finally in the fall of 2005 I started MWO for the first time. I had a good start but eventually failed at this too -- back to the bottle for yet another round of drinking, until I came back this last time, hopefully THE last time. I do feel that things have changed inside me this time around. I feel that I've made a complete shift in my thinking, which is something that I've never done before. I don't find myself daydreaming about a drink, or allowing myself to think about it.
In all those times in the past when I failed, I can honestly say that I knew what I was doing when I took a drink. No one forced me. I was not possessed by some sort of evil spirit that made me buy a bottle against my will. I chose to buy a bottle and drink it. And to a certain extent, those purchases and the subsequent drinking were premeditated acts. I had to go through some sort of thought process -- often an internal argument with myself that lasted for hours -- before making the final decision to go and do it. Sure, sometimes it didn't take hours. It might have only taken 2 minutes. But I still knew what I was doing. I had an urge, I went through some thought process, and I acted on the urge.
So here is the question. Is it fair to call that kind of act a "slip?" Calling it a slip seems to make it sound like I just happened to do it, that it wasn't really a big deal, that it was some benign action and that everything's OK, and it implies that it's over and done with. The reality, it seems to me, is much more complex than that. If I take a drink now, it's much more than a "slip." If I take a drink, I didn't just stumble upon some alcoholic beverage and have it fall into my gullet. I had to go through some process to get to the point of getting an alcoholic beverage in my hand. How did that happen? How did I get in that situation? Did I buy it? Did I end up at a social function I didn't know I was going to? Was I unprepared to deal with that? And if I am so unprepared as to be able to say no to a drink, what am I not doing for my recovery? How committed am I to remaining sober? I know that alcohol is around me all the time -- most of the work I've been doing thus far has revolved around how to stay sober in spite of the presence of alcohol in our culture. My point is that a slip really isn't a "slip" -- at least not for me. It is more aptly called a relapse. Or maybe something else, I'm not sure. But I can't brush it off as just a temporary lapse in judgment and be done with it. No, the world hasn't come to an end if I have had one drink. But my God -- look at what's at stake. Look at where one drink has led me in the past. History always repeats itself. I don't have the luxury of making that mistake again.
Maybe for someone who is trying to abstain for the first time around, and who is early in abstinence, a slip really is a slip. Cravings can come and sneak up on you and hijack your thinking, and before you know it you have a drink in hand. But for me, I have been around this block too many times to not recognize the signs of a slip -- no, a relapse -- coming well ahead of time. One of those big warning signs for me would be that I would start to allow myself to daydream about a cocktail, or a glass of wine, or a nice cold beer. See how the language works: "a nice cold beer." Even using that language gives the alcohol power in my mind. I try and stay away from that. I strike the words "nice and cold" from that phrase whenever I can. Take everything away from alcohol that might make it enticing, and I'm less likely to have a relapse.
Anyway, I'm just curious what your thoughts are. Slip or relapse?
And also: what do you do to prevent it, whatever you call it?
Comment