THE PRICE OF NICE

[mario]

Nice behavior eventually has a price for both the nice person and the persons involved with him/her. It is alienating,indirectly hostile, and self destructive because

1 The nice person tends to create an atmosphere such that others avoid giving honest, genuine feedback, This blocks emotional growth.

2 Nice behaviour will ultimately be distrusted by others, that is,it generates a sense of uncertainty and lack of safety in others who can never be sure if they be supported by the nice person in a crisis situation that requires an aggressive confrontation with others.

3 Nice people stifle growth of others, They avoid giving others genuine feedback,and deprive others of a real person to assert against,This tends to force others in the relationship to turn there aggression against themselves, It also tends to generate guilt and depressed feelings in others who are intimately involved and dependent on them.

4 Because of chronic niceness others can never be certain if the relationship with a nice person can endure a conflict or sustain an angry confrontation, If it did occur spontaneously, This places great limits on the potential extent of intimacy in the relationship by placing others constantly on there guard.

5 Nice behaviour is not reliable, Periodically the nice person explodes in unexpected rage and those involved are shocked and unprepared to cope with it.

6 The nice person by holding aggression in, may pay a physiological price in the form of psychosomatic problems and a psychological price in the form of alienation.

7 Nice behaviour is emotionally unreal behaviour, It puts server limitations on all relationships and the ultimate victim is the nice person him/her self.

[Cassia]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Hi mario,

That's a very interesting thread and so much of it is true. If I have a hard message to deliver to a customer I am extra nice so that this deflects some of the anger. Ita defo something to ponder over.

L x

[Horsegirl]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Thanks for this food for thought post. See myself in there somewhere :egad:

Thanks again. I'll think on this some more.

HG

[Brigitte Bardot]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Mario, that was a really great post. In my honest opinion people who are nice all the time kind of frighten me. I don't find that perhaps sincere enough since they don't seem to show any other emotion...but being nice, and pleasant. I may not like when someone is telling me straight up things I have done wrong, but I do respect them for having the courage to tell me in a way that feels like I'm not being attacked. But being too nice can cause nothing but harm, there's a time to be nice..and a time not to be nice, especially when it involves someone with an addiction.

[greeneyes]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Mario, where did this come from? Maybe if I saw it in context (or if "nice behavior" was renamed) it would be easier for me to understand.

[sunshinedaisies]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Have you been hurt by a nice person Mario? I don't really agree with the post at all - I know some genuinely nice people and don't think the list applies to them at all. In fact, some may say that I am a bit of a Pollyanna but I think the post is sad. Just my opinion of course.

hugs to you, Sun XX

[mollyka]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Mario I absolutely think I get what you're saying and I agree. My childhood growing up was always nice. We were expected to be 'nice' to eachother - no real emotions were allowed - that weren't - nice. We as siblings never developed a healthy relationship with eachother because any honest emotions were considered 'inappropriate' - we were the Waltons - yeah right. All the bile and filth that poured out of our family in the last few years IMO were a direct result of never being able to argue the toss on a normal basis. There was no honesty - just 'nice' appearance. When I met my husband and his family first I was horrified at times the way they would pull eachother up on different things, argue, debate, call it what you will - I thought the world would fall apart when they raised voices to eachother - the world didn't fall apart, they are all still pals. I on the other hand have no relationship whatsoever with any member of my family because in actual fact we never had a relationship to base one on.
Just my opinion, thanks Mario
Molly

[Lavande]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Mario, sometimes 'nice people' are totally fake & dishonest people.
You must know my estranged husband!
That behavior caused him to implode on himself last year.

[mario]

THE PRICE OF NICE

greeneyes;1048306 wrote: Mario, where did this come from? Maybe if I saw it in context (or if "nice behavior" was renamed) it would be easier for me to understand.

sunshine daisies;1048357 wrote: Have you been hurt by a nice person Mario? I don't really agree with the post at all - I know some genuinely nice people and don't think the list applies to them at all. In fact, some may say that I am a bit of a Pollyanna but I think the post is sad. Just my opinion of course.

hugs to you, Sun XX

Sheri;1048425 wrote: Hi Mario,

I much prefer to deal with nice people (and strive to be nice myself) and find people who aren't very nice to be alienating, hostile and destructive. I actually think the world might be a nicer place to live if people were a bit nicer to one another, so I'm kind of

Sheri

In this powerful lecture, THE PRICE OF NICE, psychologist and Emmy nominated talk show host John Bradshaw, exposes the hidden and frequently destructive forces behind the fa?ade of being the “nice guy”, a people pleaser and co-dependent. This lecture is for people who use “nice” as a disguise to cover shame. John Bradshaw uncovers the dishonestly, selfishness, and resentments that builds as a result. He explains how to heal from co-dependency.


From our earliest years, we learn that we are rewarded with acceptance for being “nice” at the expense of being denied the expression of our true feelings or being who we really are. Ultimately, we become the actor in a role of being the nice guy or sweetheart. John Bradshaw explains how such behavior can destroy relationships and intimacy by never being honestly connected with others. It creates an intimacy vacuum where the victim is the nice person


In its ultimate destructive form, it erupts into rage or spontaneous acts of violence or it can be internalized in the form of emotional or physical illness. John Bradshaw offers practical insights into how we can learn to be kind but firmly direct about how we feel and find that place in our lives where we can be who we are. This series provides excellent resources and will help the listener understand how toxic, and potentially dangerous, a person who is, on most levels, “too nice,” can be. Ministers, counselors, therapists and anyone in helping professions could gain much understanding from the material found in this series. The problem with being overly nice is that it is a mask for stored internal rage and it is at the same time rage producing.
That's what i was reading & imo being TO nice can be condescending & very patronising,......its a good and intresting read

[catch22]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Very very interesting post Mario, thank you i will read more about this,,
Am a nice person ( and it comes from the heart) but i dont think am a people pleaser plus i have learn to say the WORD NO, now reading this makes me Paraniod
And when i get paraniod fear sets in.........am glad i learning to feel how i feel

[greeneyes]

THE PRICE OF NICE

Out of context of the book, it seemed to me like John Bradshaw categorically defined "nice" as something that is more like a complex behavioral or personality disorder that results in realtionships fraught with fear, judgement, blame and victimhood. So I guess there's "good nice" and "bad nice"

[Mohun]

THE PRICE OF NICE

I'm trying to be "nicer", but being too nice or not honest or going too far. I try to minimize my actions affecting others in a negative way. When I was drinking/hungover, I had little patience for others.