Your thoughts on resentment.

[coalfire]

hi. I was over on the my story section reading okksladys thread losing . I cant post the link sorry. Maybe someone else could? Anyway she was speaking about how resentful she felt at times knowing that her friends were out drinking and partying but that she couldnt go because of her alcoholism. She really has me thinking because I think she has raised a very important point. Many of us make it past the physical cravings stage. They go in about a month for me. However looking back at all my failed attempts I now believe the resentment factor has been behind all of them. I have been over in the tool box looking at the gratitude v deprivation and the cultivate posts and they do help. However I thought it would be worth asking you folks. You have AF time under your belts. Was resentment a big hurdle for you? How did you get past it? Any and all thoughts on this subject would be very welcome. If I knew about a book on the subject I would buy it. I have recently come to realise that if I am going to make it I have got to overcome this issue and it seems I am not alone. I wonder how many fall at the resentment fence?

[Rusty]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Hi Coalfire!:welcome:

I know what you mean about the resentment feelings....fortunately, none of my friends are big drinkers but I can understand where your friend is coming from....we've already probably been there. I post on the Monthly Abstinence threads....we have one day left on our Jubilant January thread but then we will calling ourselves Focused February. I would ask the people on that thread....there are some longterm abstainers and they are a fabulous group of people....pose your question to them and tell them, "Rusty told me to pose this question to you." You could always ask people on the AF Daily thread....lots of longterm AF people there.

As far as books that address the resentment or the feelings of deprivation when everyone else is drinking and you and/or your friend can't....I just finished reading Allen Carr's "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking." You will probably find it very helpful.

Keep reading and posting!

[greeneyes]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Hi coalfire, that's a really good point. Resentment is/was probably a big issue for everyone and has claimed many good AF runs. I think it is closely paired with deprivation thinking. When one is in derpivation mode, it is like slogging through quicksand.... For me, resentment was put by the wayside when I was able to move past feeling deprived. I fully accepted that I cannot safely drink. Ever. At all. It is what it is. I no longer feel deprived because I know with absolute certainty where it will end up. So without deprivation, there really is no resentment. Hope that makes sense.

[choice]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Hi Coalfire,
I think I would have had resentment if I hadn't really stayed close to MWO and read as much as I could about alcoholism, drinking problem, addictions, etc. Once I got a stronger grasp on what AL was doing to me physically and mentally I felt thankful that I could stop when I did and now try and not deprive myself of a healthy life. When I was drinking I was mostly doing it out of habit and was so confused as to why I wasn't having fun anymore, why was I depressed? why did I have anxiety? I just didn't get that AL was really bringing me down. I am a much happier person now and do not feel like I am denying myself a thing, I'm just relieved there is another way to function and cope, have fun etc. But really without help and support, I can totally see where someone would feel left out and deprived. I think I would have felt things were unfair or something. It's just so amazing to me how AL is glorified it's all a lie. Even the times I thought I had fun I can't remember too clearly. I miss Okksalady, I remember that thread. It is a very good one with lots of helpful advice. :h

[Chillgirl]

Your thoughts on resentment.

"resentment is like allowing someone you dont like to live rent free in your head"

Coalfire - i think being resentment free is the most important aspect of remaining AF in the long term. For me personally i never suffered one single moment of resentment and truly believe this was key to my success. I always felt truly grateful to be one of the ones that "got it" as opposed to the heavy drinkers still out there caught in the trap.

When i hear resentment in peoples posts it immediately sets of warning bells in my head and if its not knocked on the head it builds until sobriety becomes a curse instead of a cure. For anyone harbouring resentment, get it out you system, see it as the destructive element it is and let it go. Its our ego arguing with reality and when we do that, we loose 100% of the time.

[coalfire]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Thanks so much for your replies. It was great to waken up this morning and see them.

Chillgirl I will start with you. You said that when you hear resentment in peoples posts it immediately sets off warning bells in your head. Recovery seems to be series of pennies dropping and this penny is just starting to drop for me. You said if you dont knock it on the head it builds until sobriety becomes a curse instead of a cure. Well I believe now thats the reason behind all my failed quits. I didnt acknowledge/admit my resentment so It did build up to the point where sobriety became a curse instead of a cure and failure was probably inevitable.

Greeneyes you said that you fully accepted that you cannot SAFELY drink ever. At all. It is what it is. Doggygirl has used the safely word too in another thread. She said " I really dont know for sure if I will ever drink alcohol again. There is however one thing I do know. I can never drink SAFELY , ever. I have been looking at the safely word this morning and thinking about how it ties in with resentment. Ok take a look at this.

I resent the fact that I cannot touch an electric live cable because I cannot do so safely.
I resent the fact that I cannot stand in the path of an oncoming truck because I cannot do so safely.
I resent the fact that I cannot walk into a crocodile infested river because I cannot do so safely.

They sound so stupid dont they. We wouldnt resent any of those things. We would be so greatful to anyone who warned us and pulled us away.Yet someone warns us about the dangers of drinking when you are an alcoholic and we/I feel resentful. There is an insanity to it isnt there? Greeneyes you said that you no longer feel deprived because you know with absolute certainty where it will end up. This morning this thread sits next to Marios rock bottom thread. Like you said sheri-we have first hand knowledge and experience of the devastation alcohol causes. Heck I even contributed to that thread. When you read this thread and then hop into Marios you can see how foolish resentment is. Ok Im off to read Alan Carr. Thanks for the recommendation Rusty and Sheri. Rusty Im going to join your focused February thread tomorrow and I might ask the folks then how they feel about this.I think this is what AA call a moment of clarity for me. I hope to God I can hold on to the feeling I have this morning. I will be revisiting this thread many times. Anyone else care to post about their resentment feelings/thoughts? Ps choice I am going to pm okkslady and tell her about this thread. She might come back-you never know.

[coalfire]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Oh Just one more thing. I posted an addiction poem in another section. I think maybe it would be better here because it makes you think about the foolishness of resentment.https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...oem-47765.html

[mario]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Hi coalfire i myself have never had any resentment about close friends or other people drinking, For me my sobriety was all about me and making myself a better person than the way i was, Imo the only thing i ask or thing about when i see my relations drinking(they are all heavy drinkers) is why do they bother and i actually feel proud that i dont drink.

[Popeye]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Hello coalfire,

I never really enjoyed the 'fun' part of social drinking. I think I was always more intersested in getting drunk than enjoying a night out. I've never had many friends, though my own choice, (don't ask me why. I don't know) so watching other people enjoying themselves at what I regarded as 'another excuse' never bothered me, and still doesn't, but for a different reason.
I can see how alcohol, if used responsibly, can be a good thing for those who do so, but it's not for me, and I've come to realise that. I can go to parties and celebrations without feeling that I'm missing anything, though I do choose the one's I go to very carefully, but kicking the habit and moving on to other things has been a life-changing experience for me.
It's just over two years since I claimed my life back and I love it.

[RedJib]

Your thoughts on resentment.

I don't feel resentment, either. None of those people who drink AL--whether responsibly or excessively--have got anything to do with my problem. They didn't give it to me; I acquired a terrible habit because I simply didn't put the brakes on, even when a part of me knew that what I was doing was going to bring me grief. I could hardly blame or resent anyone else for that.

That's also why I didn't clear out the AL from our house when I stopped drinking. My spo, family, relatives and friends can and do all drink responsibly. If I were to say "sorry, no alcohol under this roof," it would feel self centred to me. My problem is my own. If they don't have it, why would I do something that lessens their feelings of being welcomed and cared about. They know they get great food, good wine, and happy hosts here; I can't see why I'd resent them or make them change their habits to suit me.

[Lavande]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Coalfire,

I managed to turn any resentment feelings I hadin the beginning into feelings of Gratitude!
I am so incredibly relived & grateful to be in control of my life again, healthy & happy the way I should be
If other people want to drink, let them drink, it just doesn't matter to me anymore.

[eldanielese]

Your thoughts on resentment.

resentment

Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

[Doggygirl]

Your thoughts on resentment.

eldanielese;1056946 wrote: Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

I love that saying.

Coalfire, I also liked your post about things we would NEVER resent (sounds insane to say it) but we have resentment surrounding AL.

I go to AA and in the Big Book, there is mention that resentment is the #1 enemy of the alcoholic. I know I sure drank a LOT over various and assundry resentments over the years. I won't say I never get a resentment, but it's sure an area I'm working on. The serenity prayer and my gratitude list are my friends.

DG

[hippie37]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Letting go of the resentments if probably one of the hardest things to do. We all get that from time to time no matter how sober we are. It's what we do with them that counts.

Most of my resentments stem from old fears. When I find I have a resentment it's usually because someone has 'pushed my buttons'. This usually taps straight into old familiar feelings of not being good enough, of being judged, of being weak, of not being loved etc. etc. All those horrible feelings I used to get that basically said "I don't belong".

It's kind of like having a load of nerve endings and each one is a path to some incident from my past that when people push those buttons It brings about a feeling I associate with that. I know I can't cut out all the nerve endings because I'll end up not feeling anything at all. I Might as well take a load of prozac and have done with it and just numb my feelings. That's no way to live though. For me personally I need to take action with a resentment and talk to someone immediately about it before it gets way out of hand up there in my head!!. I can completely catastrophize things in a matter of minutes. I will say though after 2 years being sober those buttons may still get pushed just as hard as they did when I was drinking. I just don't react as much anymore because the wiring of my nerves is starting to change.

Hope that makes sense!

Many Blessings
Phil

[Mstall]

Your thoughts on resentment.

I just stumbled upon this thread today and so happy i did. I noticed in the last couple weeks that I do feel resentment towards others that can drink "normally", even if it only lasts a little while, that in itself puts me on a very slippery slope.

Thank you all you wonderful abstainers for your words of wisdom that I really needed to read today! I will be talking about this in my AA meeting tonight.