This is a follow up to the other thread i posted, THE PRICE OF BEING NICE.
There are six General patterns of behavior that characterize adult children of alcoholic/neurotic families,These general patterns are not scientifically defined, nor are they entirely separate with little overlapping, Rather they represent the way adult children from alcoholic/neurotic families tend to respond to there world, The patterns are, Caretaker, People-pleaser,Martyr, Workaholic, Perfectionist, and Stump.
THE CARETAKER
A caretaker as we use the term here is not someone who simply cares about other people,Caring about other people is virtuous & wonderful,Caretakers are people who have developed a pattern in which there self image and self esteem are based on how many people they take care of,Caretakers are classic fixers,Come to your caretaker with your problems and he/she will fix them or solve them.
THE PEOPLE PLEASER
A people pleaser is someone who cannot say no,(if i say no,you might get angry at me,if you get mad at me i must be wrong or bad)People pleasers never want to make anyone angry,People Pleasers are very good at doing without,People pleasers are stuffers..they stuff there feelings and needs inside of themselves,Of course this will great deal of internal anger,But people pleasers feel it wrong to show anger,so they turn there anger and hurt themselves,and sometimes it comes out through depression or illness,or taking revenge,or on long suffering.
THE MARTYR
A martyr is someone whose self image and esteem are based on suffering more than anyone else,The more he/she suffers,the better they feel, A martyr doesnt know what life would be like if it wasn't full of disappointments,hurt & disillusion,Martyrs always put other people first, but not in a virtuous way,Martyrs can never put themselves first because they need to let people walk over them.
THE WORKAHOLIC
The workaholic has learned from his family of origin that you are only as good as you can produce, A workaholic finds it extremely difficult to do nothing,By nothing i mean being able to live totally in the present,to stop and smell the roses,to celebrate and interact with people in a meaningful and intimate way,A workaholic selfimage is based on activity,Even when he /she is not working on a project,he/she is thinking about the next project,his/her mind is always occupied with the end results.
THE PERFECTIONIST
The self image of a perfectionist is based always on being perfect,Of course nothing on this earth is ever perfect,so perfectionists set themselves up to live in a double blind,no matter how well you preform,no matter how marvelous your achievement it is never good enough,Most people want to improve themselves that is a natural human trait,but the difference between the average person and the perfectionist is that,while others can celebrate there achievement fully,the perfectionist is never satisfied with what he/she has done.
THE STUMP
The self image of the stump is based simply on survival.Generally a stump has experienced in his family of origin,being ruthlessly being put down each time he expresses an opinion or a need,So the stump learned that survival and safety exists in fading into the woodwork so much that no one knows there there.
Perhaps you will find a little of yourself in each pattern,but more likely you will find a pattern that is you with some smattering of your behaviours in a couple of other patterns,it is important to remember that If you find yourself identifying with any patterns, it does not mean your bad or crazy or anything else,it simply means that the pattern is a habit you learned in order to meet your needs for self image and self esteem,The habit has created consequences in your life.
There are six General patterns of behavior that characterize adult children of alcoholic/neurotic families,These general patterns are not scientifically defined, nor are they entirely separate with little overlapping, Rather they represent the way adult children from alcoholic/neurotic families tend to respond to there world, The patterns are, Caretaker, People-pleaser,Martyr, Workaholic, Perfectionist, and Stump.
THE CARETAKER
A caretaker as we use the term here is not someone who simply cares about other people,Caring about other people is virtuous & wonderful,Caretakers are people who have developed a pattern in which there self image and self esteem are based on how many people they take care of,Caretakers are classic fixers,Come to your caretaker with your problems and he/she will fix them or solve them.
THE PEOPLE PLEASER
A people pleaser is someone who cannot say no,(if i say no,you might get angry at me,if you get mad at me i must be wrong or bad)People pleasers never want to make anyone angry,People Pleasers are very good at doing without,People pleasers are stuffers..they stuff there feelings and needs inside of themselves,Of course this will great deal of internal anger,But people pleasers feel it wrong to show anger,so they turn there anger and hurt themselves,and sometimes it comes out through depression or illness,or taking revenge,or on long suffering.
THE MARTYR
A martyr is someone whose self image and esteem are based on suffering more than anyone else,The more he/she suffers,the better they feel, A martyr doesnt know what life would be like if it wasn't full of disappointments,hurt & disillusion,Martyrs always put other people first, but not in a virtuous way,Martyrs can never put themselves first because they need to let people walk over them.
THE WORKAHOLIC
The workaholic has learned from his family of origin that you are only as good as you can produce, A workaholic finds it extremely difficult to do nothing,By nothing i mean being able to live totally in the present,to stop and smell the roses,to celebrate and interact with people in a meaningful and intimate way,A workaholic selfimage is based on activity,Even when he /she is not working on a project,he/she is thinking about the next project,his/her mind is always occupied with the end results.
THE PERFECTIONIST
The self image of a perfectionist is based always on being perfect,Of course nothing on this earth is ever perfect,so perfectionists set themselves up to live in a double blind,no matter how well you preform,no matter how marvelous your achievement it is never good enough,Most people want to improve themselves that is a natural human trait,but the difference between the average person and the perfectionist is that,while others can celebrate there achievement fully,the perfectionist is never satisfied with what he/she has done.
THE STUMP
The self image of the stump is based simply on survival.Generally a stump has experienced in his family of origin,being ruthlessly being put down each time he expresses an opinion or a need,So the stump learned that survival and safety exists in fading into the woodwork so much that no one knows there there.
Perhaps you will find a little of yourself in each pattern,but more likely you will find a pattern that is you with some smattering of your behaviours in a couple of other patterns,it is important to remember that If you find yourself identifying with any patterns, it does not mean your bad or crazy or anything else,it simply means that the pattern is a habit you learned in order to meet your needs for self image and self esteem,The habit has created consequences in your life.
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