Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

[Bean]

Hi Everyone

Question for you...!

I've been thinking a lot about all the posts on how being long term AF means much more than just not drinking. Now at 70+ days AF, I feel I am sliding into some sort of limbo. The early euphoria of quitting has gone and I am....well, I don't really know...

I consider myself very lucky that I haven't had to drastically change anything to become sober. My friends and family are extremely supportive. I was more of a 'drink at home on my own' type than hanging out in bars. I have found that I really quite like myself now that I don't drink anymore If nothing else, waking up without that unbearable sense of shame, guilt and self hatred makes it all worth it.

I guess I am feeling uncertain about how to keep this process going in a positive way. When you (long term abbers) say you had to change your mindset for the long term, what does that mean to you? How does it manifest? Did you actively do something or did you later reflect and realize that a mental, emotional and spiritual shift had taken place?

Last night I was invited to a party of some people that I don't know very well but I think they party hard. I didn't end up going but I was thinking about how it would be to tell them that I don't drink. I told all my close friends and family when I quit but I haven't been in a situation with acquaintances and having to explain my choice. Something about that feels more 'final' and committed; as in hanging out with people who you have never drunk with versus people you have who know what it does to you and therefore understand why you're not doing it anymore.

Not sure if that makes sense but I'd be grateful for any comments on my ponderings from all you who've already walked the walk!
Have a wonderful AF weekend.
Bean

[JackieClaire]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

Hi Bean,
First of all great job on 70 days AF.

've been thinking a lot about all the posts on how being long term AF means much more than just not drinking. Now at 70+ days AF, I feel I am sliding into some sort of limbo. The early euphoria of quitting has gone and I am....well, I don't really know...
I do know what you mean about the initial excitement wearing off and now having to face the reality of living sober. I was on such a high from being continually sober for I would say about 60/70 days that I came down to earth with a bit of a bump. I mean how could I who had continually drank for too many years to mention live without her old best friend alcohol.

When you (long term abbers) say you had to change your mindset for the long term, what does that mean to you? How does it manifest? Did you actively do something or did you later reflect and realize that a mental, emotional and spiritual shift had taken place?

I'm afraid to say I didn't have a spiritual awakening but very early in my sobriety I cried for the loss of my old life. I grieved for the party girl, the liqueurs after a long wine fuelled meal. In reality there was no party girl she became a stay at home drunk rarely venturing out to party preferring to stay in the comfort of her own home with a trusty bottle or 3 of nice cheap red wine, with a few vodkas thrown in now and again. So the emotional thing went quite early.

So for me it was a totally different attitude. I actually now go out but it has to be for a reason, it has to involve some activity that isn't surrounded by drinking. I can go for a meal as the main part of the evening revolves around the food. I can go to a pub quiz as it's the quiz that's important. I can go to a wedding as it's the bride and grooms day. But I cannot go out to a booze fuelled party. I do not miss alcohol in any way,shape or form but the thing I cannot tolerate around me are drunk, loud , shouty people. They probably remind me too much of myself.

Anyway I think what I'm trying to say is after a while it becomes second nature, I do not take it lightly but it's now only a few moments thought before each occasion and a little planning. My all time favourite is still arrive late and leave early.

[Lavande]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

Hi Bean,

I have to agree with JC - this does become second nature but it takes some time!
I kind of consider myself a work in progress. I'm coming up on my 2 year AF anniversary this month & I'm still changing! I am happy, healthy & incredibly grateful right now. I am actively working on that mental & emotional shift you mentioned. I do lots of reading & listen to some wonderful speakers on the internet & Hay House Radio. I feel like I am moving closer to being my true self for the first time, ever!

My social obligations are few & far between so I have no pressure there. I have to drive myself wherever I go these days so saying no to AL is not a problem. I was an at home drinker too but have found other activities to keep me occupied.

Hang in there Bean ~ things will work out for you as well

[Marshy]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

Hi bean,

Congratulations on your 70+ days! :goodjob:

I went through similar feelings at about five months AF. I was expecting my life to suddenly become perfect because I'd stopped drinking and, of course, it didn't. I did have to put a lot of work in (unlike you, I did have to change a lot of things) and sometimes it seemed like I was slogging away for not very much reward.

Looking back now, things were changing more dramatically than I realised at the time. Other people were noticing changes that I didn't notice (especially, in my case, in my appearance and general mood and personality).

All I can say is keep plugging away at it. You'll be able to look back one day and see MASSIVE changes that maybe aren't apparent now as you're going through them. And the whole business of being around people drinking does get much easier as it becomes second nature for you to not drink.

Bean;1075264 wrote: Did you actively do something or did you later reflect and realize that a mental, emotional and spiritual shift had taken place?

Both! I actively worked/work at improving my life and am now also able to look back and assess how things have changed.

[mario]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

The morning that I decided to stop drinking I actually felt a huge relief flowing through me as I new I had hit rock bottom and I had to stop, I felt very unhealthy,So as well as working on my sobriety I got to work on my diet & fitness,and that's were I focussed most of my new found freedom,I stayed away from social gatherings till I was well into about 3 months,But did go out to more restaurants just for meals & I also went to the film centres, I also found new friends through AA and went on numerous trips into the city just for fun, It was great being around people with like minded personalities, I am still into the fitness and restaurants,one cancelling out the other I personally had not a problem telling people I dont drink and actually feel proud and loud when I say it now most people dont bat an eyelid. I think the more sobriety you get under you the more confidence you will feel and talking to people and living your life alcohol free will just become natural.

[mollyka]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

I agree with all the above. Definitely like anything really, the further away the drinking days go the less they impact on day to day living. Like JC and Mario say, I just won't go 'to the pub' - can't hack it, can't see why I should. Love going out for meals and any good movie comes out I'm now one of the first to see it - wouldn't have dreamt of that back in the day (no bars in cinemas). Hobbies that died a death with my drinking, reading, walking, gardening have regained their attraction. And frankly most of the time drink isn't an issue in any way. If you've people round you who don't pressure you into the drinking lifestyle I think it's very important too. It all comes with time - and yes, like Sheri says, it does take a bit of working on - worth every minute!!
Molly

[Bean]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

Thank you all for your replies. Lots of good food for thought. I know that others have/are noticing the changes in me. Talking to my brother yesterday on the phone (haven't seen him since I quit), he told me he could practically hear the clarity in my voice. That was nice to hear.

And yesterday I ran for 5 miles non stop! I was pleased but not shouting it from the rooftops and when I actually think about it, it's pretty amazing!! I have never run that far full stop. Perhaps I am taking for granted some of the fantastic things I am now able to do as a result of being AF.

And maybe I also feel in this 'normal, routine, limbo-ish' stage because becoming AF has re-aligned me with my true self. I am now back doing all the things that bring me happiness and satisfaction, it's just how it's 'meant to be' so I am not noticing the changes as much because it's easy and just feels good.

I also realised the thing about telling people I don't drink is just trying to adjust to a new identity. Like my mental image of myself hasn't completely caught up yet with the way I now live physically. Several people have told me they are always impressed when they hear someone doesn't drink, and I have always felt that way too. Now I can be the person who impresses!!

As a friend once said to me, "no one ever really admires an alcoholic".

Marching on now and looking forward to hitting the 100 day mark.
Bean

[damo180]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

Hi Bean,

Thanks for bringing this up.
Its just what I needed to read and everyones kind responses.
I have been very much in limbo for the last week or so.
Like you say, the euphoria has gone.
I have done all this hard work and suppose I was expecting everything to be perfect.

Realise now I need to continue to work on this. I also need to remember and appreciate all the good things that are happening in my life.

Cheers
Damo

[Cinders]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

This is a wonderful thread for someone like me who is looking forward to AF, FINALLY, and it helps prepare us short termers for what is coming down the road.

I do appreciate it.

Thank you, Bean, for starting it.

And thank you to all the responders. I have watched all of you for a long time and I know you know of what you speak.

Love,
Cindi

[Doggygirl]

Avoiding the 'dry drunk' trap

Bean, I love all the positive changes as you describe them in post #8.

I was so absolutely stalled as a person emotionally, physically and spiritually from years of daily drinking. I love exploring life now - and finding what has meaning for me on all three fronts. I can absolutely relate to that discomfort at first about telling people you don't drink. That was a Big Deal at one time for me too. These days, it just seems like no big deal to say I don't drink. Because I don't. I don't even want to. I don't miss it. It has no place in the new life I have created for myself.

If you keep going the way you are and finding your deeper sober self, I suspect the time will come sooner rather than later when it just won't be a priority to have concern over what other people think of your drinking status.

Congratulations on your progress and I'm looking forward to helping you celebrate that 100 day mark soon!

DG